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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Caught in the middle. HELP!      Home login  
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 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 3
Caught in the middle. HELP!Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
there is a good chance shes gonna try to get involved with you just as a way to get back at her ex, your friend.

stay out of it man. she may be your friend too, but what has she ever done for you? you say her ex has helped you out in the past, he may be your real friend, and her just a friend by virtue of dating him.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 7
Caught in the middle. HELP!
Posted: 8/29/2012 1:29:48 AM

I'm one of her managers and at work we've always promoted a sense of unity and even somewhat of a family, where when one of our employees has any kind of problem they can come to us to talk. Our friendship evolved from strictly manager/employee to a genuine friendship. We party together and I hang out with her and her friends on most weekends.
And the situation you are now in is exactly why it's good to have some boundaries between work and personal lives.

I agree with the other poster - you can be supportive of both but just make it clear you aren't going to take sides. Or you can tell both of them that you don't want to discuss it. I've had to say that to friends in the past "I understand your pain but I'm just not the person you can talk to about this." Surely they both have other friends they can call on?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 10
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Caught in the middle. HELP!
Posted: 8/29/2012 3:28:35 AM
When discussing their problems with them, do not ever use information you have about one, when talking to the other. For example, do NOT tell the gal that the guy had expressed a desire to dump her much earlier, especially since it has no bearing on the present situation. There is no reason to tell either friend, anything you think you know about the other one, in order to be a good and supportive friend to both of them.

Instead, stay 100% in the here-and-now. Help them with questions that lead them to what they want to do about how they feel and what they want from life, rather than telling them what you would do, given what you think you know. When one of them asks you what the other one did, or wants, or why they did what they did, gently suggest either that they ask the other person themselves, or more accurately, suggest that it no linger matters, since they are broken up. I would also suggest that you say flat out that it would be wrong, and probably misleading, for you to tell either one what you think you heard or kn0w about the other, because this is very much more true than you realize right now.

A good example of something you think you know, which very likely doesn't mean what you think it does, is this bit about the guy saying early on that he wanted to dump the gal.

People say lots of things they actually don't mean, in the way that they say them, especially things like that. It's very possible that what he should have said, is that he didn't want to dump HER, but that he wanted to escape some tension-provoking aspect of their relationship without at the same time losing access to the gal herself. If you tell her now, the exact words you remember him saying, you wont be telling her factual information at all. You will instead, be causing an increase in misunderstanding between them, caused in large part by your own misapprehension of the original conversation.

So stick to what's going on right now, with both of them.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 13
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Caught in the middle. HELP!
Posted: 8/29/2012 5:25:23 AM
put her number into your phone so you can NOT answer it when she calls.........

after awhile she will stop calling. In other words stop putting yourself in the middle. She is "calling"
you.... how easy it is to avoid her !!!
You do not even have to say a word.

If you ever run into her, say you got some messages from her but have been busy, plannned to call back
but been so bisy and then quickly remove yourself from her presence.
This is a no brainer.
easy as pie.

Why are you putting yourself in this? It's none of your business.
Stop responding to her and it will be done.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 14
Caught in the middle. HELP!
Posted: 8/29/2012 6:18:03 AM
I had a rule that I applied to my good friends, to my brother, to those guys that are very close to me, and that is, not going after their exes. They split, that is their business and they know where I keep my loyalties.
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 15
Caught in the middle. HELP!
Posted: 8/29/2012 6:37:46 AM
I've actually known her longer than I have known him. She's a girl I work with so I see her several days a week. I'm one of her managers and at work we've always promoted a sense of unity and even somewhat of a family, where when one of our employees has any kind of problem they can come to us to talk. Our friendship evolved from strictly manager/employee to a genuine friendship. We party together and I hang out with her and her friends

This situation shall be a test of your maturity level, social skills, professional abilities and character, pardner...
It won't be the first time something like it happens to people around you.

Now you may understand some of the basis for those "no office fraternization" guidelines in the employees handbook of many companys.

As another said, do not get involved with that woman, you can just listen to her issues and better understand what may be going on, but do NOT insert yourself anywhere into the matter...

 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 17
Caught in the middle. HELP!
Posted: 8/29/2012 6:56:06 AM
Caught in the middle eh?

Not a good place to be.

Why don't you inform your good lady friend that the position you are in is not conducive to remaining friends with either of them. Find someone else for her to talk too. Someone who has the experience of a breakup and can guide her towards recovery.

YOU being in the middle is NOT a good idea for you, your male friend or your female friend.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 22
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Caught in the middle. HELP!
Posted: 8/29/2012 10:07:37 AM

My guy friend did her wrong, but he's still my friend, and has helped me out when I needed it.


My female friend is feeling torn to pieces, and she wants me to help comfort her, but I dont know how to give her the right support if I'm still hanging out with her ex.

I was once with someone who betrayed me very badly; one of our mutual friends in particular tried to keep both friendships even though she was well aware of his lies, cheating and manipulation. She didn't let me talk about my ex to her; I believed that she wouldn't talk to my ex about me. I tried for about a year to maintain this friendship, but in the end I couldn't because it just seemed to me that if she accepted such unethical behavior from friends, then she wasn't someone I could trust. I don't know all the ins and outs of how your friend did his girlfriend wrong, but I can certainly understand your discomfort with the situation. So, other than letting you know how it might feel from your friends' side, I have no real good advice to offer.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 24
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Caught in the middle. HELP!
Posted: 8/29/2012 12:30:25 PM
No they didn't, you jumped right in there to comfort her, I don't see why you couldn't have not taken sides and still be their friend. He has no reason to keep dating someone he wanted to stop seeing, I don't see how that's being bad to her. She chooses to cry on your shoulder knowing full well that he's your friend too. Stop pretending you aren't taking her side and maybe for your own benefit and stop thinking he's done something wrong to her by not wanting to date her anymore. Tell them both you want no part of it and surely you have other things to do & say when you are with one of them.
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 26
Caught in the middle. HELP!
Posted: 8/29/2012 2:41:53 PM
Op, you seem like a pretty decent guy. I just wanted to say that just because your management allows you to date other employees, doesn't remove your legal responsibilities and potential liability. Many a friendship has gone sour and the last thing you need is to have a lawsuit on your hands for allegedly violating the legal boundaries that are in place.

I'm really surprised your management is willing to expose itself to that risk but I urge you to be a little more circumspect about such situations in the future. I'm not saying don't date, or don't form close friendships, but just be a little more aware of what could go wrong.

For example, if this woman senses you are siding with her ex, and then you have to make decisions in the workplace that she isn't happy with, she could easily say 'this is because I dumped his mate'. Then you have a whole lot of mess on your hands.
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