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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?      Home login  
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 worthwaiting4
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 1
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What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I have been dating a man for around three months. When we started dating he suggested that we not see or talk to anyone from this site and concentrate on getting to know each other one on one to see if we have a stronger connection outside of attraction. I agreed and we have been having a wonderful time. He refers to me as his girlfriend and does not have a problem with introducing me to friends and co-workers.
I recently realized that it seems the only one that has been fulfilling the one on one obligation was me. In his defense, he stated that he still gets notices on his phone when someone contacts his POF.... and he got curious one night as to whom was interested...He says he did not contact anyone but was looking.
When we discussed this, he told me that he was not interested in dating anyone else but wondered about what it would be like. He also stated, that being on the sight only proved to him that he wanted to pursue us and for him this is part of the process.
We talked and I informed him that I am completely comfortable with us slowing down and dating others... he said he does not want that and that he was going to take his profile down.
Problem is this.... I put a header on my profile that reads I am dating a nice man and would rather not be contacted at this time.... it has been a week and he has done nothing with his profile. I am getting the feeling that he does not want to commit to the process but wants me to.... so I took it off today.

My question is this.... guys!!! Do you relate to this process? Do guys need a commitment from a woman first and need extra time to decide if they want to commit.... or is that a want your cake and eat it too?
In a outsides man opinion.... should I cut him some slack.. or tel him we should both date others? I do not want to force him to take his profile down because that will just leave a window open for deception..... I would like to be on the same page however... we are either BOTH dating or looking or we are not!!!
 worthwaiting4
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 2
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What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 9:13:32 AM
Thanks for the information.... but my question is more geared to the men.... would like to know if it is part of their process of pursuing relationships. Although you have some good advice, we just do not think like men and therefor, we tend to want to make the worst of their actions.
I will however, take some of your advice and not try to over analyze this and try to just enjoy our time together.
 worthwaiting4
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 3
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What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 9:14:36 AM
Thanks for the information.... but my question is more geared to the men.... would like to know if it is part of their process of pursuing relationships. Although you have some good advice, we just do not think like men and therefor, we tend to want to make the worst of their actions.
I will however, take some of your advice and not try to over analyze this and try to just enjoy our time together.
 worthwaiting4
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 4
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What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 9:17:18 AM
I wouldn't worry about your profiles here, but DO pay attention to how you both are getting along and more specifically how attentive he is and how he treats you.


Thanks Janet... great advice..... I will do just that!!
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 5
What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 9:24:54 AM
we have been having a wonderful time. He refers to me as his girlfriend and does not have a problem with introducing me to friends and co-workers.
I recently realized that it seems the only one that has been fulfilling the one on one obligation was me.

Relax and understand that you found him here, and likely so did others. Communicate your feelings but don't pressure him much after 3 months, he could disappear like many do.

IF you find proof that he is seeing someone else after he *swore* he isn't, then you might let him know you are considering the Mrs. Bobbitt solution...



(jk)
 worthwaiting4
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 6
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What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 9:26:14 AM
Use your common sense, how is dating others a good process for pursuing a relationship with one person?


I guess my real question is not so much if dating others is a a good process.... but is it a process for men to take a last check before he pursues something on a more deeper level?...
 worthwaiting4
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 7
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What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 9:41:52 AM
My ex husband, who is a great guy just not for me, and my boyfriend who I love dearly DO NOT think any thing a like.

Use your common sense you are 47 not 17. What does your gut say?



RockabillyPaGirl
I guess if we could believe everything that comes out of a guys mouth we would never have ex husbands now would we.... I may not be 17...Missy... but I do not need advice on how to deal with an on-line stalker..... hence your previous post.. I am not on here looking for attention...like how to deal with an obvious problem that I can just delete... nor to fill a friendship void.... I am trying to ask a genuine question that was address to GUYS...
Whom rather you realize it are not think a little different than we do.... not wrong.. just different.
 worthwaiting4
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 8
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What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 9:51:58 AM
lol...Thanks for the advice Tall .... I do not want to pressure him at all... I just would like to make sure we are on the same page. If he needs sometime to date I completely understand but I get the feeling that he might not be being honest about his feelings because he does not want me to date. He was in a bad marriage for over twenty years... I would rather he date now then feel like he jumped into a relationship too soon and always feel that he might have missed out on the dating scene... Trust is a big issue for me... I can handle him dating but not deceiving me just because he is afraid I might meet someone "better" while he is taking the time he needs... that would ruin any chance we would have at this and I think we have a pretty good thing going.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 9
What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 10:22:15 AM

We talked and I informed him that I am completely comfortable with us slowing down and dating others... he said he does not want that and that he was going to take his profile down.



I do not want to force him to take his profile down because that will just leave a window open for deception..... I would like to be on the same page however... we are either BOTH dating or looking or we are not!!!


I am getting mix signals as to what YOU want. If you told me that you would be comfortable with both dating others, why should he take his profile down? It sounds to me that you two have some communications issues stemming from some misunderstood expectation. Cut the crap. Cut the expectations and simply talk and then agree to something.

If both of you want to keep your profiles in POF, why not indicate that you are in a relationship and you are here only for the forums. If you cannot agree and execute that, then just agree to either date others, or terminate the relationship.

I am for instance started to see someone. It's cooking quite well, so I told her that I come here to the forums and that on occasion I respond to people here, or check what some poster's profile looks like. I also indicated in my profile that I am not interested in dating anyone.

You could do something similar.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 10
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What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 10:39:16 AM
You seem hell bent on rationalizing his behavior every which way to Sunday.

No, a guy who's all in with you does not leave his options open. He comes after you with everything he has and makes it clear that YOU are the one he's after.

Both men and women can respond here, and it is against forum rules to polarize threads.
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 11
What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 10:39:52 AM
Dating other people is fine AS LONG AS THE OTHER PERSON KNOWS. That can't be stressed enough to people on this site.

But it depends... If you're just looking to date and not end up with a relationship, then it's perfectly fine to date other people, but if you're looking for a relationship, you're looking for something serious, it's better to focus on one person at a time
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 12
What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 10:40:24 AM
Just a note, OPie: on *these* forums, we don't get to specify *gender* of replies. You just get to take it as it comes.

I will say that over a lifetime, I've met and been involved with a ton of males, and haven't found two that thought the same about things, evah. So I think you're on a pretty hopeless quest.
 meowkatt2012
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 13
What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 12:04:16 PM
If I am dating someone & I am talking to guys on here to me its just as being not really connected. As if he's doing the same. Its addicting to chat to the opposite sex when u are bored. But if im trying to really get to know someone which is on the same page w that & after our dates is o. Here chatting with women its not a good way to start & it may be too hard for him to ever start. I never look at who they've matched me with or look at. Profiles & just send out lots if messages. If a guy has been doing this nightly for years its becomes what he does. I feel he wont stop.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 14
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What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 12:24:45 PM
When someone tells me to take down my account or hide it or whatever, that's when I know to move on. I don't care to date a guy who is that insecure or sneaky or thinks he knows what I should do with my time. If I wanted to cheat, I'd find a way and be much more cleaver about it then still having a profile up that he could see. Since I don't want to cheat, either I'm trustworthy to someone or I'm not. If he's going to look for trouble and follow my account and tell me what to do, he's not worth it.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 15
What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 1:31:50 PM

this may seem like a stupid question..but how soon did u start banging him? ie: 2 dates in? 3 dates in?

I agree, that is a stupid question. Makes NO difference when two consenting adults begin having sex. Plenty of relationships begin with first date sex, plenty begin with no sex for extended periods of time. Some last, some do not.

My question is this.... guys!!! Do you relate to this process? Do guys need a commitment from a woman first and need extra time to decide if they want to commit.... or is that a want your cake and eat it too?

I'm not a man, but if a man wanted a commitment from me and didn't offer the same? The only commitment he'd get from me would be me telling him adios.

In a outsides man opinion.... should I cut him some slack.. or tel him we should both date others?

By cutting him slack, you mean you won't see others, but he can. I suppose if that's what you can live with, go ahead. (If he's dating others, why bother with him at all? Doesn't really read like you want that type of arrangement.)

I do not want to force him to take his profile down because that will just leave a window open for deception..... I would like to be on the same page however... we are either BOTH dating or looking or we are not!!!

There's your answer. You are either both exclusive or you aren't. JMO
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 16
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What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 3:42:38 PM
You know right about 3 months in a new relationship if the WHOOPEEEEEE!!! of the sex/excitement can last don't you?


. but is it a process for men to take a last check before he pursues something on a more deeper level?...

^^^^^^^^^^^
He is seeing if someones grass is greener/hotter.



You sound like a "will do for now". UNLESS a better offer comes along.
After all it's been 3 months.

You both have profiles so you can't object to it now, can you?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 17
What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 4:31:08 PM
I'm a guy. And I like to treat others like I would like to be treated. I would like those others to treat me the same way. Simple. Easy peasy. And I figured that out by the time I got to Grade 1. And yes,I'm serious. If you don't like what he is doing, tell him. If you accept what he is doing, (no matter how you feel) than he'll keep doing it.

This ain't rocket science.

Honest.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 18
What is a healthy process? To date or not to date others?
Posted: 8/29/2012 5:08:02 PM

Op my advice is this. STOP STALKING HIS POF PROFILE. All it will make you do is over analyze everything, make you clingy and paranoid, and push him away.

My profile is still here. Yes it is marked not looking and hidden but it is here. My boyfriend still has his up too. He still gets the weekly here's your matches emails like I do. I do not know what his profile says right now. I do not know if it is hidden.

But you know what I am not worried about it. I see him on his days off. I am the one sleeping in his bed the weekends he is off and during the week an extra day. I am the one who he calls/texts on his breaks from work. I have met his family... friends.. and etc. He is the one talking plans for the future. (ie concerts, trips etc) So I could care less what his Pof account says.

I agree with this.

When someone tells me to take down my account or hide it or whatever, that's when I know to move on. I don't care to date a guy who is that insecure or sneaky or thinks he knows what I should do with my time. If I wanted to cheat, I'd find a way and be much more cleaver about it then still having a profile up that he could see. Since I don't want to cheat, either I'm trustworthy to someone or I'm not. If he's going to look for trouble and follow my account and tell me what to do, he's not worth it.

This too.
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