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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > withdrawal into the man cave or over?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 2
withdrawal into the man cave or over?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Can't say.
could be either.

The thing to go by.....is if he continues to date you.
If he doesn't make the effort to drive and see you....
then you have your answer.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 4
withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 8/31/2012 9:27:18 PM

I know he was a little too fresh out of a failed marriage,


BINGO!

All divorces and final dealings take emotion.
So it is never wise to get involved with someone who his going through this stage as you will see emotion that makes no sense to you.

Right???

Let him go.
He has to finish this, and it is best that he do this on his own.
YOU CAN NOT help him through this.
HE has to do it on his own.

When he is finished, and if you relation ship is strong, then he will be back.
Find something else to occupy your time in the meanwhile.
 AllAboutSports
Joined: 8/10/2010
Msg: 6
withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 8/31/2012 9:42:24 PM
Really?I love the support women show for each other,but i feel its false...I think him living with you he seen haits that he may have missed before,and although he is in custody in court,he just wasnt happy with the current situation.he was depressed because he wasnt happy but was too nice to tell someone.hes using this case as an excuse,but he possibly wants to see whats out there for him as a single guy...most divorced guys I know become serial daters...and it may have been you bringing up the house buying and things and he just went along with it,women tend to hear what they want to hear.Im sure your a great woman.......but most divorced guys dont jump right back into relationships...even after a long marrage and soliditiy......if it left bad,they want sex,the different body type than the ex...aka,if she was small he will want bigger,if she was big he will want smaller,if she was a brown haired woman he will go for blonde ect ect....but most guys arnt into the marrage or steady rightout of that.they want to leave their socks on the floor,play video games until 4 am if they want...get dressed and go out to feel desired,watch porn without feeling guilty or like they have to sneak around....dont have to answer to anyone.trust me,many men make mannnnny sacrifices when they get married,and when its over,they wnt room to be themselves,or in some cases find themselves.Im sure again your a great woman,but he took the gentleman route,and he may still be friends,to ask for more this soon,as most women want that security,will have to wait unfortuntly.....if it ws about getting his life together,he would have asked you if you were interested in joinging him,the fact he didnt speaks volumes...im sorry but i hope this helps rip the band aid off.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 8
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withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/1/2012 12:17:40 AM
OP: I don't see your BF's behaviour as 'withdrawl into the man cave". I think that is diminishing what is really going on for him. He is going through a really hard time, a crisis. The root of depression is a profound sense of hopelessness. This divorce is probably bringing out the worst in him and his former partner. And more importantly it is extremely difficult as a parent to see how a divorce affects your children. In my view, this is a vey bad time in his life and he needs unconditional support. Sometimes, that means, being emotionally generous by not placing demands on him to attend to your needs. It's a risk you take, but I think it's worth it.

I have learnt over time, that the measure of the quality of a good relationship is NOT based on the good times, the happy bits. In my view the quality of a relationship is based on how you navigate the ebb and flow of conflict, unmet needs and changing needs.

If you had depression or were ill, wouldn't you want his unconditional support? This isn't a forever situation, it is a temporary situation, one that merits, compassion, sensitivity and generosity of spirit.
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 9
withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/1/2012 12:18:33 AM
He moved out. Not a good sign. He's not good at telling the truth. He's deceptive. If I move in with a woman, I guarantee you'll have a ring before we live together or within 3 months tops. Honestly, the decision to cohabitate is tougher then getting engaged. If I share my space with you, why not just get married?

He's an ass and you're gullible.

Move on.

But what do I know? I've been married 3x:)
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 10
withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/1/2012 12:19:43 AM
Its a nice guy wasting your time.

Don't over analyze this and try to see the good in him.

You're gonna get hurt.
 TasmanianDance
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 14
withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/1/2012 6:05:14 AM
OP according to your profile you are Seperated not divorced. No wonder the guy got the cold feet. Moving in together or buying a house when one of the parties is still married is a big NO NO!!!!
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 16
withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/1/2012 6:46:18 AM

.I think him living with you he seen haits that he may have missed before,and although he is in custody in court,he just wasnt happy with the current situation.he was depressed because he wasnt happy but was too nice to tell someone.hes using this case as an excuse,but he possibly wants to see whats out there for him as a single guy...


I have no clue that "seen haits" means, but for some reason, you seem to putting blame on the OP while excusing the man. Despite the fact that he was just out of a relationship, it was unfair of him to move in with her without knowing what he wanted. HE should have examined his status and questioned whether he was ready for another relationship. The OP seems to know what she wanted, and still wants, in a relationship.

Maybe the guy took advantage of her moving in to share expenses while he made up his mind what he wanted to do, eh?

At any rate, they are both grown-ups, and though you say he took the "gentlemanly" route, a real gentleman wouldn't have moved in so soon.


if it ws about getting his life together,he would have asked you if you were interested in joinging him,the fact he didnt speaks volumes.


Not necessarily. Although I agree that he is most likely looking for a way to end it to salve HIS conscience, moving out or creating a new space to think out what one wants does not always mean that the relationship is over; sometimes, it means just that--thinking life over and considering what one wants. In my present relationship, I have done that twice; we do not live together, but things have happened to make me withdraw to consider what I really wanted. Both times, it turned out that I still wanted him. If I had not had the time alone, I very likely would have ended the relationship because "things" would have been too much in my face.

OP, no one can answer your question on his motives. In reality, only time will tell. Your decision is basically how much time you will give him and if he totally backs out, whether or not you will let it go.
 AnAustralianWoman
Joined: 4/26/2012
Msg: 21
withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/1/2012 9:48:52 AM

We moved in together about 6 months ago
...And then we have...

but a few months back he started pulling away
...So this is not a 'recent' happening, as it seem's to have been going on not long after you moved in with each other.
There is a lot to digest here...He is going thru a divorce, you both have children, but it seem's his children do not live with you both however, your children do. You are also speaking of marriage/house hunting after just one year of being exclusive?
I think thing's are moving way too fast and you need to back off a little.
I feel for you having your man leave the nest, but I gotta say he need's 'time out' to think thing's over.
Let him know you are thinking of him and are there for him and that you will leave him alone to sort his head out.
Allow him solace in his man cave, and don't hinder him.
I know it's hard and I wish you the best of luck.
 EG63
Joined: 1/13/2010
Msg: 25
withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/1/2012 11:53:49 AM
OP - What if being separated or recently divorced or the man cave or everything else suggested so far has nothing to do with your current situation, but your guy has been blackmailed by his ex wife plain and simple? Could it be that a lawyer suggested him to move closer to his daughter or lose most of his parental rights?

Think about it, everything begins with a child custody battle in court...!

It will not be the first time that an ex wife threatens to not let a father see his own children for whatever reason, in your case the two of you have been living together for quite some time. The fear that another woman can replace the birth mother in the heart of the children, sometimes drives usually reasonable women to act like complete idiots. Custody is not set in stone yet and she can do just about anything she wants without repercussions.

In a child custody case a judge will look first at the child best interest, period. A father that lives one hour away with a new family has zero to none chances to win a custody battle that entitles both parents to a 50-50 custody arrangement. Any lawyer will suggest to to what your boyfriend did for the sake of his case in court and the love for his daughter.

Seems to me you both need to work on get better at communicating to each other and spend less time on assuming things, not to mention learning where the relationship speed brake is positioned as you are running way too fast. Thoughts of marriage and buying a house together is way premature at this point in time. Best of luck.
 EG63
Joined: 1/13/2010
Msg: 27
withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/1/2012 1:18:46 PM

However, if this guy were still interested in maintaining a relationship with the OP, he would have explained this to her. It seems obvious he wants out of a situation he got into too soon after his marriage ended.


We don't know but what OP has told us, before jumping to conclusions it would be great to hear what boyfriend has to say about this. We can make some deductions but there is no room for "obvious" here, while "too soon after" is so tightly relative to an individual personality and situation that isn't worth really discussing it.
 Out_of_the_Ash
Joined: 3/1/2009
Msg: 28
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withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/1/2012 5:24:26 PM
Man, I wish MY boyfriend lived only an hour away.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 29
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withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/1/2012 6:45:33 PM
He is doing exactly what so many separated guys do when they start dating someone before they're officially divorced and over all of the crap they have to go through.

It's all fine and dandy to have a girlfriend for awhile to fill the time and the empty space, but when they get down to the nitty-gritty stuff like divorce hearings, custody, child-support, living arrangements, the ex having a new boyfriend, etc., reality comes crashing in, and all their mental energy is exhausted dealing with all of that, they don't have anything left to give a girlfriend, so they flake out. Truth be told, they really don't NEED a girlfriend during all the turmoil. They SHOULD be spending time alone dealing with the reality of their new life.

This is why, as I have said so many times, it is just not a good idea to get involved with someone "separated" until the divorce is final and all the dust is settled. This is a very typical case, based on my own experience and the experiences I've heard from others.

What to do? You could wait it out and hope he comes back, and he might. But what YOU need to do is to just leave him alone. Give him the time and space he needs right now. But be cheerful about it, at least to him. He could come out of this thinking you must be one of the most understanding and supporting women on the face of the earth. If you whine, complain and act shrewish about his time away, then you're just one more reminder of the most miserable time in his life that he's going through. His life right now is about HIM, not you, unfortunately.
 FishOwl
Joined: 12/13/2008
Msg: 30
withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/1/2012 9:05:15 PM
Okay, let's figure things out as well as we can:

Point: He is taking treatment for depression. Not good for him. Depression is really a number of things wrong, I went through it, well not "it," I had my own because everybody's can be different. I was lucky enough to beat mine without drugs. Now, you say that his circumstances have changed, this may have changed his depression, activated different areas of the brain and changed his condition. In short, he may need a different workup and new meds or a different pattern or whatever is found.

The difficult part, I hope not, will be convincing him of that.

This has nothing to do with the "man cave" thing, it is a lot different and could be more serious. What is your relationship with his doctor. If he won't listen to you, you might have to go to his doctor and explain the change in his behaviour and let the doctor address it. That way you have sounded the alarm and are leaving treatment to the professionals.

When and if this is the reason, he will have you to thank for his recovery. Could things go wrong? Yes. When I was depressed I was in a highly suggestible state; who knows what is going into his head and bypassing the critical function. Because of this high suggestibility, I would keep in contact with him, continue to inquire how he's doing, where he is in the process, how his kids are,etc. Also, don't forget to tell him that you are in his corner and that you still love him. This will implant in his brain and let him know he is not alone.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Could you also tell me how he found a woman like you. I'd say you were gold but you are worth a lot more, never forget that.
 RERE1026
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 34
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withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/2/2012 12:51:59 PM
Perhaps it is only your half of the equation that perceived it was SO GOOD. Think about it.
 Peppermint_Petunias
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 35
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withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/2/2012 1:04:45 PM
Only an hour away??????

Good grief.

Thats just the time a reg church service, dance recital,work drive,My LOCAL Whole Foods drive , aerobics and yoga class is and I bet if you both want to carry on with WHATEVER you can.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 36
withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/2/2012 3:38:26 PM
Catch is, there's separated and there's separated. . . . When I left my first marriage, I was separated for three years before I could afford a divorce. But I was *done* when I walked out the door. My second? I got left, and my support group promised it'd be five years. . . . I screamed THAT'S NOT FAIR. And it isn't. But it's true, alas.

There's this awful/destructive (to self and to others) period when the next warm body is *proof* you're a winner. Not.

Hard to tell, here. He certainly jumped too fast, and so did you. Take some time out and think about what you really want long term, and if he's it.

Good luck!
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 37
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withdrawal into the man cave or over?
Posted: 9/2/2012 5:17:36 PM
He's in shock. His family was kidnapped, its difficult for him to make arrangements with the perps. Lots of people are attacking him for things that were not worthy of being imagined. Not sure if that's the best bf/gf situation but none of us stay in those moods all day long.
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