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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > I would really appreciate any help      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 urgal2416
Joined: 1/15/2012
Msg: 1
I would really appreciate any helpPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
So sorry for the length

My friends have tried to give me some advice for this issue. I think that because they are so close to me it’s hard for them to remain impartial…. So I’ll let you good POF folks have a crack at it. Hopefully a couple of you will be brave and read this long mess. lol I bit of background info first. :)

-I divorced my husband 4 years ago, I left him (no cheating or abuse existed but I had other issues)

-My husband met me when I was a size 14, married me when I was a size 18, love me still when I was a size 24 (though he told me he was concerned for my health and tried to get me to lose) I started working out 4 months ago and I am now a size 20 (my goal is size 12/14)

-He tried to get back with me a few times for the 1st year, I always pushed him away. So of course like any normal person/man he moved on, which is normal.

-I have worked on my issues through counseling and have gone from being suicidal 3 ½ years ago, to loving life and all that it offers. (I still struggle with body image like many women, working out is helping that)

-My ex has always let me know (his family told me also) that he never loved anyone as he loves me. That although he cared for the 2 girlfriends he has had since our divorce; it was never the same as he and I. I have always felt the same about him, that he is and will forever be my soul mate. I know that we would do anything for each other.

So here comes my issue (s) I have healed myself in many ways, I am a person the often gives advice to other people, but this problem I have I just can’t work out on my own. Here goes …….

I know my hubby wants be back (for argument sake, just believe this as fact please.) The thing that bothers me is that I have not had a boyfriend since our divorce. I have had a few coffee dates. Made- out with one guy and had only 1 one-night stand. I did meet one very nice man, but because he was looking for true love, I stopped seeing him because I couldn’t give him my heart. I didn’t want him to waste his time. Of course being a bigger gal, it’s hard to find men that wanted to date me.

My ex has had 2 semi –long term relationships (both about a yearlong each) not to mention a couple short relationships too. I feel like a loser because I didn’t have a boyfriend, that he is worth more because he found other people to love him (as I type it, I know it sounds awful, but it’s still bothers me) I mean what does this say about me? Who in the hell is divorced for that long and doesn’t have a bf?

Part of me wants to wait until I lose all my weight, get a boyfriend (only so I can say I had a boyfriend) then after I break up with my bf I can go back to my husband (if he still loves me) that would be an awful thing for me to do to a person. I can’t do that! So my other choice is to (if all works out) is be back with my love, knowing that he had sex with at least 4/5 people. ME only 1, 5 to 1, he wins! Wow this sounds so bad….lol I know …. Help.

(ps, we tried to get back together once after he broke up with his 1st gf but I pushed him away because I told him that I knew that when he was having sex with me he was thinking of his thinner ex who never had any kids and had a better body. He told me it wasn’t true but I never believed him)

Thanx to all who were able to survive this post-I really appreciate all comments and advice.



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 brisco414
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 2
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/1/2012 1:02:00 PM
I think you need to continue seeing a therapist -- or get another one. You have a long, long way to go by what I'm reading. I'm sitting here "typeless" as to how to respond appropriately.
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 3
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/1/2012 1:02:15 PM
For me it would be good to know why you divorced - what issues you both had before splitting - and if any of those issues have been resolved.

Also if you feel you need to date others, then that's what you should do. As long as you are honest about where you stand (whether you are looking to date casually, or whatever exactly you want - be straight about it so that the guys you are meeting have the option to decline should they not want the same). You have done this somewhat so you should have a better idea what you want but if you need to date more, then go ahead.

I will also say that your worth is not measured by the romantic relationships you find/have/maintain. For instance, the person who's left may date and get involved with a person or people to get past being left - but it doesn't mean they are with the right person, or that they are happy or even loved. It certainly doesn't mean they are more worthy of being loved than anyone else.

You being single longer may be a side effect of your second guessing your step to leave that relationship - or it may be because you'd rather work on yourself so you are a better person to date. Love yourself - all else is an extension of that. Also - it doesn't matter how long you are single if you haven't met someone that works for you. Ideally you should want to stay single unless/until you meet someone right for you.

Without knowing anything else, that's all I got. I have to agree that you aren't exactly ready for anything hugely serious, whether it's an old or new prospect.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 4
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/1/2012 1:10:45 PM
People have weight issues because they have emotional issues.
Many hide behind the weight as it keeps them safe.
That sounds like you.
Good that you have noticed this and are moving forward with counseling.
You still have a long way to go.

You pushed your husband away because of your issues.
He still cares for you, yet you feel because he has been with other women you should have the same playing field whereby you should be with other men.
That is just fvcked up thinking.
Keep up with the counseling.
Discuss with her/him your self esteem issues and keep working on them.

Whatever has caused you to feel this way is really ingrained.
I see that your are looking at Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
I hope that helps.

I feel for your ex.
You are really causing that man a lot of heart ache.
Maybe it would be best that you cease all contact with him until you fix your own issues.
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 5
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/1/2012 1:59:50 PM
I knew that when he was having sex with me he was thinking of his thinner ex who never had any kids and had a better body. He told me it wasn’t true but I never believed him)

You clearly have a self-fulfilling prophecy and this is your doing, nothing to do with your former husband.

What you're fearing about your Ex husband, your building and pushing him away.

Deal with your issues first as going back to him right now, is only a recipe for disaster.
 VB_Mermaid1974
Joined: 2/2/2012
Msg: 6
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/1/2012 7:05:43 PM
I think that you still have issues to overcome. You should continue therapy. It is not normal to think that you need to have as many sexual partners as he has had. That's just crazy, it's kind of sick actually and it in no way sounds like you are ready for a relationship with anyone, especially your ex husband.
 urgal2416
Joined: 1/15/2012
Msg: 7
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/1/2012 9:02:39 PM
Wow, alot of good advice and alot to think about. Looks like although I have come a long way, I still need some work. I know that my thoughts are twisted and I have to fix this. btw, my ex has no idea I still love him, but I think, I'll work on myself a bit more. One thing I know about therapy, it works :)

Its funny, I didn't really see how "off" my thinking was until I saw it through everyone elses eyes. One again, thank you.

Friendly-Liz
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 8
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/1/2012 10:31:53 PM
Tomorrow never comes. Waiting to lose the weight is an excuse. The weight is an excuse to push people away.

You said several times in your post you push people away. You need to find out why you push people away? What hurt you so bad that you think a man can't love you and want you for who you are and no matter what weight you are.

Sex is not a game to keep score. You pushed him away he had no choice, but to try and move on to something else. these other women have probably suffered because he is thinking about you when he is with them. you are letting you mind create problems. While he was holding you and kissing you and loving you, you were thinking he wants something else instead of enjoying him. Something in your past is holding you back.

I would get a refund on the therapy I think you only skimmed the surface. Face the truth and enjoy the rest of your life. You probably don't have to do it alone either.
 urgal2416
Joined: 1/15/2012
Msg: 9
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/1/2012 11:17:14 PM
Again, thanx, @Debydu-z No refund needed. I got help on other issues. We never covered this one. So I will go back. Just thought I could save the $70.00 co-pay by getting advice on here. Ok Ok didn't work. There I go being cheap. lol
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 10
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/2/2012 8:32:56 AM
Get thee to a nunnery.

No offense, OP, but really, you sound like like an adolescent. You are keeping relationship scores and your fantasy to find a boyfriend and THEN go back to your husband is convoluted. It sounds as if your biggest goal in life is to be able to say "neener-neener."

You also say,
Part of me wants to wait until I lose all my weight, get a boyfriend
Again, no offense, but your weight is not what is keeping you from finding a boyfriend.

Here is my heartfelt advice:

1. Forget about dating for the present and forget about getting back with your ex.

2. Work on YOURSELF--lose weight, meditate, and find out why you are obese. Work on those issues and come to an understanding and peace with YOU. Your outer self reflects your inner self, and your inner self is highly conflicted.

3. Continue counseling. I have to say, though, you do not sound like a woman who is loving life--you sound like a woman who has unresolved issues that aren't going to be resolved soon.

4. Be alone until you like being alone and enjoy the company of yourself. Find your self worth and know that it doesn't depend on your ex, a boyfriend, or evening the score.

Then, venture out into the dating world.
 urgal2416
Joined: 1/15/2012
Msg: 11
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/2/2012 9:16:03 AM
Again, good advice, Look I understand my post was really long, but I wish people would read the whole thing. For example the part where I wrote, "I would have a boyfriend then break-up with him" that was just a bad thought. come on we all have thoughts that are not healthy (some more than others) it's what we do with these thoughts. Do we act on them, or do we realize they are not healthy and seek help (which I have done)

And yes, I am still OBESE, but I have lost now 25 pounds, started 4 months ago, I'm doing it differently this time.
Doing it slowly but surely.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 12
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/2/2012 9:41:41 AM

but I wish people would read the whole thing. For example the part where I wrote, "I would have a boyfriend then break-up with him" that was just a bad thought. come on we all have thoughts that are not healthy (some more than others) it's what we do with these thoughts. Do we act on them, or do we realize they are not healthy and seek help (which I have done)


I did read the whole thing and I saw where you said that "a part" of you wanted to do this; that part of you is still talking and still wanting!


And yes, I am still OBESE, but I have lost now 25 pounds, started 4 months ago, I'm doing it differently this time.
Doing it slowly but surely.


When I was 43, I weighed 250 pounds. It took me two years to lose 100 pounds. My weight loss was an outward show of the changes on the INSIDE, so when I speak of these issues, it is from experience. When I truly began to like myself, I lost the weight and kept most of it off. Over the years, I have gained a pound here and there and they began to add up, so several months ago, I began exercising and decreasing calories. I have lost about 15 pounds, but even before I lost them, men were still attracted to me because of my attitude and energy.

I applaud your weight loss and I hope that you stick with it, but even more so, I encourage you to find your true happiness--and that should not and will not center on a man. It will come from inside yourself.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 14
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/6/2012 7:38:00 PM

I have had a few coffee dates. Made- out with one guy and had only 1 one-night stand....
we tried to get back together once after he broke up with his 1st gf but I pushed him away because I told him that I knew that when he was having sex with me he was thinking of his thinner ex who never had any kids and had a better body. He told me it wasn’t true but I never believed him.


I guess you know the saying "What's good for the goose is good for the gander." Besides that, you divorced him 4 years ago-your decision. Who he sleeps with is none of your business. Keep your prying nose out of his bedroom, and stop keeping a score card. You sound like a psycho when you do that.

I don't understand what the purpose of the post is or what you're asking. It sounds like you want to get back with your ex, but any time he wanted to get back with you, you pushed him away. Then you come up with a scheme to get a boyfriend and dump him when your ex becomes available. None of this makes any sense. Do you or don't you want your ex back. and if so, why?
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 15
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/7/2012 2:20:28 PM
I feel like a loser because I didn’t have a boyfriend, that he is worth more because he found other people to love him (as I type it, I know it sounds awful, but it’s still bothers me) I mean what does this say about me? Who in the hell is divorced for that long and doesn’t have a bf?

Stop comparing yourself to him, & this is not a competition! I've been divorced for 17 years, raised my kids alone & have never had a serious boyfriend in that time. It never was an issue to me, raising my kids was my priority. Why do you base your sense of self worth on having a b/f?

Part of me wants to wait until I lose all my weight, get a boyfriend (only so I can say I had a boyfriend) then after I break up with my bf I can go back to my husband

This is so cruel, why do you want to use a man like that? What if he falls for you, have you no regard for a persons feelings? That is so shallow & cruel to use a man for bragging rights. That is the stupidest reason I've ever heard of to want a b/f! Do you think that's fair to a man who may like you, or fall in love with you? That's a terribly dishonest way to start a relationship! You need to lower yourself to being a FWB, or worse, a FB, since this is all you believe you are worthy of. Then the man knows you can use each other for sex only, so his feelings don't get involved, as they will be hurt, since your reason for having him in your life is to "say you had a b/f". Then you plan on dumping him.

ps, we tried to get back together once after he broke up with his 1st gf but I pushed him away because I told him that I knew that when he was having sex with me he was thinking of his thinner ex who never had any kids and had a better body

How do you know this? Did you ask him? You need to go back into therapy & work out your remaining issues. Why do you & your ex compare how many others you've had sex with? Neither one of you has moved on, since you sure talk about intimate matters like your sex lives!

You shouldn't date anyone, as you are looking to use a man, then return to your ex. You have low self esteem & low confidence. Keep working out & losing weight, & get back into therapy, you need it.
 urgal2416
Joined: 1/15/2012
Msg: 16
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/12/2012 7:09:24 PM
After reading what I wrote I am somewhat embarrassed (sitting with red face lol). I am happy that I wrote it because it was something that I needed to work out. It was not going to be resolved by keeping those negative thoughts in my head. It was when I actually said them out loud and wrote them down that I was able to really “SEE” I’ve done some self work and (smacks head) I got it.

This is what I have learned:

My dating life (sex life) or lack thereof has nothing do to with my being a worthwhile person. If another person dates a lot, it does not mean that they are better or worse than me, just different. Perhaps they are at a different stage in their life. Maybe they should be dating, maybe they shouldn’t. It has not a damn thing (lol) to do with me. People date for different reasons. Some to curb loneliness. Some in hopes to find a mate.

I didn’t date because it wasn’t my time. That’s all. It is not because I wasn’t good enough. I had other “things” within me that I needed to take care of first.

I know that I will eventually find “ONE” that loves the whole of me that is “LIZ” that will encourage me to be healthy and the best that I can be. He will accept and love my little flaws and I will feel the same for him. Now that “ONE” maybe my ex-husband or it could be someone totally different. In the mean-time I will continue living life to the fullest and healthiest. Well thanks again everyone. Time to go do my exercises. :)
 urgal2416
Joined: 1/15/2012
Msg: 17
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 9/13/2012 11:51:08 AM
I guess people are not reading my last post in this forum. :(. lol I guess I have been guilty of this too when I respond to others, I onluy read the original post and then I comment.

@Abelian, I really like what you wrote....... thanks ")
 Madisonman0326
Joined: 7/17/2012
Msg: 18
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 8/25/2013 6:04:39 AM
It appears you were in an unfortunate state of mind last year and, if I were your BF, I'd be a bit concerned you'd be planning to blindside me with a spontaneous break-up. But, consider this: your ex-husband didn't treat you with the respect you deserve. Is there any greater insult to a woman than infidelity? By your own admission, he was carrying on with several women outside your marriage and yet you long to be back with him. Why? He obviously doesn't respect you. The issue isn't necessarily his behavior, but your reaction to it. A woman with healthy self esteem would have left him after the first instance of infidelity...one and done, so to speak. If you want to break this unhealthy pattern, you need to examine why you so desperately want to stay with a man who has demonstrated, time and again, that he's unwilling to be faithful. He may tell you he loves you, but his actions clearly show he can be callous and selfish and he doesn't care if his behavior wounds you. The woman I see in your profile is an attractive, intelligent and witty woman who deserves an honest, faithful man. When you find him, please don't sabotage the relationship by pursuing your cheating ex-husband. You deserve to be happy.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 19
view profile
History
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 8/26/2013 12:39:33 AM
Never mind playing tit for tat OP. You hubby might not be as cool as you about having another even though it's "allowed" since you are single at the moment. Do you really want to risk that?

Stop playing games with the poor guy. He loves you. Accept that he does and get yourself as healthy as possible so he can love you for a long time.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 20
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 8/26/2013 9:45:52 AM
Msg 24- Madisonman0326: Are you reading the same post everyone else is reading? Didn't you see the part in the opening post, where the OP stated: "I left him (no cheating or abuse existed but I had other issues)"

And did you also miss the part where she said: "He tried to get back with me a few times for the 1st year, I always pushed him away. So of course like any normal person/man he moved on, which is normal." In other words, he started dating other woman after they broke up and the OP indicated to him they aren't ever getting back together. So how did you come up with the cheating rant?

Now, a question for the OP: How do you know how many women he is/was dating, and why would you keep track of that? Like another poster stated: that's none of your business. If a mutual friend or relative is keeping you informed of his dating life, tell them you don't want to hear of it. What good does it do to know of his dating escapades?
 urgal2416
Joined: 6/3/2013
Msg: 21
I would really appreciate any help
Posted: 8/26/2013 10:00:52 AM
um, Did you guys see that post was from year ago? Also please read message 21 that I posted. The old post just somehow got resurrected again lol. Totally different person a year later. Now, not 100% better but 95%. Which is pretty darn good ;)
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