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 try1more
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 4
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Relationship ProblemPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
sorry if this is a bit harsh, but the problem is, you have accepted you have a phobia and are now looking for someone that will also accept that you have a phobia.
which is the last thing you need.
it's just me but whenever i found anything that held me back like that it just made me angry at myself, result i put myself in the position where i had to face it.
worked so far, dont accept a label, it's not incurable unless you are not prepared to face up to it.

i dont know about cbt but i do know fears without foundation will crumble if you face up to them.
it may take several goes but the more you do the further it falls into history as there is nothing to substantiate your fears, so go for it!
only you can do it you cant rely on someone else waving a magic wand, if you are not commited to it you'll fail!

as to getting a date, i wouldn't bother until i had sorted such a problem, this is after all the uk, so they're quite common.
 bootielicious
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 6
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Posted: 9/2/2012 3:28:56 PM
Your poor Mum being blamed for that. If you live in the UK, you would be well used to rain without thunder storms, they don't happen that often. I have to admit that I enjoy a good thunderstorm and think we may have had 2 this year? You should go to Cyrprus where they have the elecrical storms, they are absolutely stunning!

As others have said before me, you need to sort out your irrational fear, as it is obviously impacting on your life and I don't know how you are coping with staying in so much 'just in case' let alone expecting anyone else to cope with it.

We are fortunate enough to live in one of the most placid countries with regards to weather and weather conditions. We rarely have extreme weather, so go see a doctor and be glad you were born in the UK.
 terminal-velocity
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 14
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Posted: 9/5/2012 4:36:06 AM
i am a bit confused, honestyD2012, because really i cant see that this phobia would impact your life that much, it thunders perhaps twice maybe three times a year. the nature of phobias is that the trigger of the fear is a reltively rare occurrence, if it thundered every day, you would soon acclimatise yourself to the fact that you survive them and wouldnt be frightened, so no dont tell her! you could get therapy, and sort the problem out, but i wouldnt expect it to sort out your relationship issues. god we all have our quirks. i met a man once who sucked his thumb, it was strange. in every other aspect he was completely normal, but one soon got used to seeing his thumb in his mouth. so in other words this issue is not preventing you from having a relationship. however reading your response to the posts it does seem that you are defining yourself by this phobia and perhaps that is the problem for there really is no need, you are more than your fears, and before a woman can accept you for who you are, perhaps you should start accepting yourself. i hope that doesnt sound unkind, its not meant to, its meant to let you start recognising some positive aspects of yourself, such as the courage it took to post this thread, most people wouldnt be able to be so honest and frank. i hope that you take this to heart, and feel less depressed soon.
 try1more
Joined: 12/16/2007
Msg: 15
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Posted: 9/5/2012 6:09:27 AM
"Oh and don't go blaming your mum."

sorry mazey but he could be right.
the x and her sister were scared of snakes which went back to their childhood (rural) and their mums reaction to them.
the x said she was scared of snakes "but" when i took her through ashdown forest and showed her an adder she became quite interested in it, her sister on the other hand was quite traumatised just seeing one on tv, she would turn white and freeze up shaking.
just goes to show how differently individuals deal with it.
exposure to an adult displaying fear at the right age can have lasting effects depending on the childs own character/personality.
otherwise agree with what you said, you put it better than me, i'm a bit too economical with the typing at times :-)
 terminal-velocity
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 19
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Posted: 9/5/2012 8:01:16 AM
you know David, or op as you might prefer to be called, i think that it is a bit dangerous posting on this site these kind of questions. none of us are psychiatrists or interested professionals, or have declared ourselves as such - and yet some have acted as if they have this kind of authority. they havent and you should read their posts very critically. many posts have bullied you into CBT and have taken the 'pull yourself together and be a man' approach - and i for one find this outrageous. a wise man, Jung i believe, said that every person knows their own medicine. now we can all fault this aphorism and pull it to pieces but i think here what he might say is, that you know when you want to deal with this problem, and until such point you will have to live with it. i think discovering that this issue isnt really going to be of much concern to the women you date, might help you to resolve your own fear of your fear.

i do also speak from some awareness of phobias, i have one and i sure as hell am not about to reveal it here! suffice to say that it rarely surfaces but when my fear does surface, boy oh boy does it surprise people. perhaps because it is different for men, however, never have i been belittled by anyone when expressing this fear and i have never found that it was an issue which might stop someone from dating me and i cant think why you would either. there are a lot of new psychological theories about phobias, which if you are interested you can read about, http://www.livescience.com/4631-modern-humans-retain-caveman-survival-instincts.html - there is also some suggestion that there is a gene that is responsible. some doctors find that boosting patients serotonin levels help, which is interesting isnt it? i certainly find that my phobia is worse when i am depressed.

it might well hearten you to know that there are methods of ridding yourself of this phobia, as other posters have suggested, however this will not work until you are ready to do so.
 TheRealSoul
Joined: 7/5/2008
Msg: 20
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Posted: 9/5/2012 12:44:33 PM
"You can't get me, thunder, 'cause you're just God's farts! "
 mysteriosa
Joined: 5/19/2006
Msg: 21
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Posted: 9/5/2012 4:15:15 PM
From what I understand, desensitisation therapy works for phobias. I can't imagine that CBT does, unless it is a mild phobia.

I think there are women who would understand your fears but I guess most would eventually get fed up of the limitations. I know someone who is agoraphobic and while one can understand how hard it is for the person, it not only limits their life severely but means everyone else has to revolve around that person's needs. It would be best for you and a future relationship if you get help to tackle the phobia rather than just try to work round it. You already know that working round it isn't helping.

Good luck!
 terminal-velocity
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 22
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Posted: 9/6/2012 12:23:21 PM
mmm jac-the-gripper. we have all heard of desensitisation, and it probably does work to an extent, but can make the phobia worse. it is interesting op that you said that after your cognitive behaviour therapy sessions you felt worse. the trouble with phobias and the treatment thereof is that they are irrational, and it isnt helped by the fact that people are still stuck in the freudian mindset which suggests that a phobia is caused by some trauma in your childhood. a rational sensible approach to a phobia might make sense were the feeling locked in some sensible process, but it isnt, there is some suggestion that it is an atavistic response to our environment.for example horses are terrified of snakes, horses bred in captivity having had no contact with snakes, happen upon one and are duly terrified. this is not a learnt response, this is a response that is somehow imprinted in their brains as they develop in the womb. somehow they have a picture wiggling about in there that says 'be fcking terrified when you see this thing wiggle' and they are. this response saves many a horses life, and makes for interesting analysis of quite what can be imprinted in our brains prior to actual life. so phobias may well be just this, some people have retained this imprinting in their brain, they are scared of things that can cause seriuos harm. interestingly the majority of phobias are found in wome, this because it is thought it was more important for them to have this heightened fear to protect their children. most people are not frightened of inanimate objects like cars, despite the fact that these objects statistically can cause them more harm. many people can be desensitised but as many not, and really running away from spiders, hiding ourselves from thunder and avoiding mice is not that difficult and one can live with it!
 terminal-velocity
Joined: 8/31/2012
Msg: 23
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Posted: 9/7/2012 6:05:24 AM
yes, jac the gripper i can! though it should be obvious. phobias are not as easy to treat as this forum might suggest. one of the difficulties is distinguishing between a fear and a phobia. i myself was treated by a psychotherapist who attempted desensitisation, and it did make it worse. instead of actually requiring a stimulus to give me phobic anxiety i was able to hallucinate and imagine it all by myself! great! i think that is worse. many people are treated and feel somewhat better and then the phobia returns. my mother who is also phobic, though with a different phobia, has received treatment for about thirty years, she is marginally less anxious, though by no means cured. if you note the op began his thread by discussing whether his phobia would or would not be a deal breaker in terms of relationships. i would say not, very simple. it has never stopped anyone from dating me, has it stopped anyone dating you jac? there has been alot of advise on this thread, all of it well meant, as has mine been, but really i think that if professionals can actually make the matter worse, as the op suggested happened to him, what chance have amateurs got?
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