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 Darkhawk36
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 2
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would this be a dealbreaker? Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Personally, I would never advocate nor push a woman to have an abortion. But then again, I'm not a woman and it's not my body. Would I like to know? Probably, I suppose, because it is something that could shape the woman's present-day views and if you want to be in a committed relationship with someone that would be something you would need to know if order to fully understand that person.

Would it be a deal-breaker for me? If it were something brought upon like rape, incest or health of the mother, then absolutely not, it would definitely not be a deal-breaker for me. If it were something where she was young and stupid and got pregnant, it wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker for me, but I would inquire further. If she used abortions like contraceptive after-the-fact, then I'd tell her to hit the bricks.

For me, the issue is definitely more grey than black-and-white.
 Darkhawk36
Joined: 5/16/2009
Msg: 5
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would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 2:51:09 PM

Here's what I think -- and I'm catholic. Maybe not a good catholic.


You're a recovering Catholic. ;)
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7
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would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 2:57:50 PM
The fact that two people decide to try dating each other, in no way gives either one the right to access the other one's entire life history. I don't care what your politics are.

There's no point to your asking if it is a deal breaker, you have proclaimed that it is for you, in the thread opener.

I suggest that if you are paranoid that a woman will sneak into your heart and only then reveal something that disturbs you that much, then put it in your profile in large letters, and make sure all women you date read it first.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 9
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would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 3:06:29 PM


If the girl you were with withheld the fact that she had an abortion years earlier would that bother you?


no it would not bother me. I have never had an abotion either.... for some it would be a deal breaker, as it maybe for you.. if it is, no use in punishing her verbally... just move on !
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 10
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would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 3:07:55 PM
Unless I am the father of the child that the woman is pregnant with, it is none of my business, and her body to deal with as she deems right for her. And if I am the father, my rights would not extend to her not being able to handle her body as she wants to, unless the courts say differently because I took it that far.

As the one who impregnated her, I should at least have the chance to share my feelings, thoughts, and desires, but once done, it is still her body, and her choice. I would hope that my wishes would be taken into consideration, but I have seen far to many males that thought they had no real responsibility for that impregnation, and feel used and abused if the woman wants to keep that child, and they have you pay for it for the next 18 years.

Both sides of this, keeping or terminating, should be done between the two involved, and decided upon mutually.....but.....in the end the woman's body overrules what the man may want to have or not have. If they disagree, that is what the court system is for, and counseling for all involved.

What they did in the past is their business, and what they do with me, is also my business.

cd
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 14
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 3:21:27 PM
You have very strong feelings towards abortion.
You are entitled to your feelings, BUT ... you are NOT allowed to push your feelings onto someone else.

You have to understand that there are always two sides to every coin.
Because a woman decided to have an abortion ... there may be a very good reason for doing so.
And it is not for you to judge.

If a young mother kept a child, when she was in no position to do so, then that will not affect just one person , but two.
If a young mother took a child to term, and then adopted the child out, then there will be some residual mental damage.
There are soooooo many scenarios, that you cannot label this as a black and white answer.

So I would first come to terms with the fact that EVERYONE is in charge of their own life.

So don't ask.
 TC2u
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 18
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 3:34:54 PM
It's private, unless they share it. If you're going to use everyone's past as a deal breaker, you've got a long wait for a perfect woman. Religious or not, "judge not, less you be judged" applies at all times. Why don't you tell us about your past.
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 19
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would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 3:41:25 PM
[If the girl you were with withheld the fact that she had an abortion years earlier would that bother you?]
Error in logic-if she withholds the info, you never find out and never suffer the feeling of being appalled.
The only person you have the right to judge is the person who you used to be.
One day you may be less sanctimonious and look upon this Topic in a different light.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 21
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 3:42:08 PM
I think it's more important to know if she currently has kids or plans on, or doesn't plan to have kids in the future. That's more important than knowing what happened in the past if it doesn't affect the current time or future. But with that being said, abortion is one of those hot topics that causes a lot of emotional sparks and people feel very strongly about. So for a relationship to work, the views of both people should be on the same page in that regard. I can see it being a deal breaker if a guy is strongly pro-life and found out that his girlfriend/wife had an abortion that wasn't mentioned previously.
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 23
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 4:00:15 PM
Her past choice with regard to how she responsibly handled her body medically is none of your concern, particularly if all you're going to do is shame her for it; in which case she should know your extreme view point against a women's right to choose before she engages in a relationship with you.
 1964armymom
Joined: 7/18/2012
Msg: 25
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 4:19:09 PM
OP - there was a time in my life that I felt like you. When I had to make a choice, I choose adoption.
As the years went on, I watched loved ones deal with this and with the aftermath.

No one should judge another, you don't know what circumstances can happen.
In time you will learn compassion.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 28
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 4:34:05 PM

But the question, is it a potential dating partner or boyfriends right to know such information or is it reasonable to expect that this type of information is past and private??


Do you actually believe you have "rights" to know someone's past????? I mean seriously, do you?????? Like from the time they are conceived????? Cause you talk like it. If I was a woman dating you, I honestly would kick your bum to what I call reality. And the way you talk about YOUR "beliefs" it looks like I would be doing a lot of kicking.

You OP, have again confirmed my belief that those that NEED to "follow" where shortchanged in the "thinking on their own department" thus your NEED to be TOLD how to act and when to do so, all in the name of some "God". I honestly believe that more than half our problems are caused by our different "religons" out there, causing more prejudice than we could ever imagine possible. John Lennon was correct in his writing and singing.

Oh,short answer. NO, I, as a male, do NOT have a "right" to know everything from some potential's "past". Funny thing is though, because of the person I AM, people have no problem confiding in me,,,,,,all on their own accord. Ya see, despite what some believe here in these forums, I can see things at times, differently than what I personally "believe" or "know",and with it "understanding" which you have shown you do NOT HAVE. Just using YOUR OWN words here to back up my statements,,,,


As someone who has very strong views against abortion I would be appalled if I learned of something like this. I don't think I could continue a relationship with a woman who took the life of her own child. For me it's unfathomable that a woman would do this for convenience and I want no association with a woman who thinks this way. However, I realize it is my individual opinion.


I wonder, what YOUR "God" is thinking right now reading these words????? Especially when you type "no association"?????? I would suggest copying these words and put them in your profile. It will at the very least help you keep those unwantables away. Seriously. Do it. For the sake of others.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 32
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 5:00:08 PM

Op isn't religious, if you bothered reading his profile before speaking out.


So he states on his profile,and we all knowwwwwwwww that profiles never lie????? :) Quacks like a duck, swims like a duck, looks like a duck,,,,,I'm betting it's a duck.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 34
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 5:10:25 PM

Do you actually believe you have "rights" to know someone's past????? I mean seriously, do you??????


Interesting... does a woman have a right to know if her suitor has been in jail in the past ? and what the reason was ? ... maybe she'd like to know the guy was a gigolo or a pimp in Nevada ... she might want to know that the guy has a history of physical abuse... I guess, in your opinion, they don't have the right to know any of those things as long as it is in the guy's past. Seriously ?
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 37
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 6:04:30 PM

Msg 34: Interesting... does a woman have a right to know if her suitor has been in jail in the past ? and what the reason was ? ... maybe she'd like to know the guy was a gigolo or a pimp in Nevada ... she might want to know that the guy has a history of physical abuse... I guess, in your opinion, they don't have the right to know any of those things as long as it is in the guy's past. Seriously ?


I was thinking the same thing. It's a Catch 22 situation. If a woman who previously had an abortion feels it's her right to keep it a secret, how would she feel if she was dating a guy who had a criminal record and/or a violent past and kept it a secret, but she found out through some other means? Would she feel it's none of her business to know what the guy did in his past and ignore the information?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 40
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 6:18:06 PM
Apples, oranges guys. Honestly.


If a woman who previously had an abortion feels it's her right to keep it a secret, how would she feel if she was dating a guy who had a criminal record and/or a violent past and kept it a secret


Morals??? Ethics???? Legality???? Which way are we gonna go here?????
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 42
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 6:19:58 PM
I'm sorry, OPie, *why* you need this info for an intimate encounter escapes me. . . .

But if you think women have abortions for *convenience* you don't know much about women OR human beings. I'd suggest you change your field of study, you are going to be a horror show.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 43
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 7:29:41 PM
Pure and simple-an abortion is a medical matter and in the US we do have some right to medical privacy. I'm not talking about HIPAA or some entity using healthcare insurance financial records to do an end run around it.

Nor am I going to get into morals,etc.

At its' core, an abortion is in fact a medical procedure that is legal(with some time constraints),and no one is OBLIGATED to share their medical history with anyone but the professionals caring for them.

As for the criminal history thing...that may concern a persons' well-being or safety, or have an impact on long-term economic/financial/practical matters should the relationship become serious-particularly if the person is carrying a record of a felony conviction. Comparing an (inarguably controversial) medical procedure, to a felony conviction, is in fact comparing apples to oranges.

Now-if there is a medical history of a communicable disease or infection,that goes to another category/principle. People should NOT conceal a medical matter of that nature from an intimate partner. In fact, right here in midMichigan someone recently was prosecuted for keeping his HIV-positive/AIDS status from sexual partners!

But abortion, unless something went horribly wrong, so as to affect a young womans' ability to safely bear children, I cannot understand why a woman would go around sharing that information. It is a private matter. And I'm fairly certain that there are women in this world who have actually had an abortion, but have since become anti-abortion. So just because a new gf says she is "anti-abortion", doesn't mean that at some point in her past she may have had an abortion. A subsequent vow to never do it again, and adoption of an anti-abortion stance AFTER having an abortion, I think may be more commonplace than we might realize.
Cindy O
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 51
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would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 9:46:04 PM
I would not date someone who was against the personal rights of someone else getting an abortion. I could have never had one, but that doesn't make me better than someone who has and it's totally none of my business. So my answer would be that I would need the man to tell me about his feelings about this, and while I could pass his test as I've never had an abortion, I would not want to date him because our opinions would be too far apart.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 54
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/4/2012 10:28:26 PM
OP: so basically, if you read most of the answers here, as a man, you have no right to judge a woman one way or another based on her actions, despite how you may feel about em. typical. stand by your guns. if you dont approve of this sort of thing, and it means that much to you, dont date her.

abortion isnt a dealbreaker for me. however, i am aquainted with a woman who has had 3 abortions with her current boyfriend. its pretty much taken the place of reliable birth control for her. so, like everything else in life, id look at it on a case by case basis.

for the people who say people should announce all possible dealbreakers immediately to avoid people who feel differently from us, imagine that first date. just list off all the stuff that irks you and see how long she sticks around. we learn people as we go. no rational person would expect someone to list all dealbreakers up front. especially when you consider that some situations you have no idea how you would feel about them until youre forced to do so. for example, MADD, mothers against drunk driving, was started by someone who lost a loved one to a drunk driver. (if i remember correctly) i doubt they would have felt so strongly against the issue without their loss.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 57
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would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/5/2012 4:23:48 AM
Pinky, I don't see anywhere on this Op's profile where he is "on her [sic] looking for sex."

What he asked, specifically, was if he had the right to know a woman's complete sexual/medical history as a part of dating her, in order to be sure that his abhorrence of abortion would not be disturbed.

This is why I replied as I did. Your response ignores the facts.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 58
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/5/2012 4:36:02 AM


Not really a catch 22, more about which things you have a right to know about and which things you don't.


Being a pimp, gigolo or prostitute in Nevada is not illegal. Shouldn't a man or woman be interested in knowing about such behavior from a potential partner ?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 61
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/5/2012 6:36:56 AM

As someone who has very strong views against abortion I would be appalled if I learned of something like this. I don't think I could continue a relationship with a woman who took the life of her own child. For me it's unfathomable that a woman would do this for convenience and I want no association with a woman who thinks this way. However, I realize it is my individual opinion.


You're entitled to your own beliefs. If this is important to you, put it in your profile and be done with. That way, all the pro choice, all the women that at one point of their lived did have one, or even the ones that decided to have it, yet still be pro choice, will stay clear of you.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 63
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/5/2012 7:27:34 AM

My mother had an abortion, should I hate her?


This is a very interesting statement and it made me think because that happened to my mother as well. Here she had 4 children, some grand children, she was practically menopausal and with some health issues, so if she took a baby to term, it may kill her, or debilitate her for the rest of her life. So she made a choice, even though she is a very religious person. Should I hate her? Should she hate herself?

I don't think so.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 68
would this be a dealbreaker?
Posted: 9/5/2012 7:14:14 PM
As someone who has very strong views against abortion I would be appalled if I learned of something like this. I don't think I could continue a relationship with a woman who took the life of her own child.


Since you're not looking for a relationship and are seeking women for intimate encounters, I fail to see why this should even be a concern for you.
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