Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Dating someone who isn't put together      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 5
Dating someone who isn't put togetherPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
OP you described me,, I am a good with me,,, the rest can move on..............
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/10/2012 12:18:46 PM
I've "gone out with" people with huge issues, but won't let it progress beyond that. So I guess you can say that the OP's statement was right in that someone like that is typically just for "fun" (and despite what is said, crazy women aren't better in bed, by any means).
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 7
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/10/2012 12:19:42 PM
What some people qualify as a 'Train Wreck' could be something as vain as being left-handed. Love is blind to such matters; at least most of the time.

Some issues can be covered up, some can be medicated, a lot of them are sadly, ignored. Being honest about handling them is the best policy - say what you feel, ask questions, TELL them what you are afraid of. My Ex was an Epileptic that was medicated and qualified to drive a car; I'd be lying if I didn't worry about her having a seizure every time she got behind the wheel. Some things you can live and work with, others are a no-go.

If you want to practice dealing with baggage; there's still foster kids out there with serious problems that need temporary homes.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/10/2012 1:29:08 PM
msg 1...
some people are in it for the short term, the evening and really do not care how screwed up someone is...
if they are crazy, broke, sickly, jobless or have high drama at home.

Is it fun? could be for some... if its not for you don't do it.

Just depends on what someones looking for. Some dating don;t have a shot in hell to date anyone seriously and they know it and will take on anything or anyone for the night.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 9
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/10/2012 1:52:40 PM

Is it just "for fun" to date someone knowing that they have personal matters that have not been worked through?

What's "fun" about dating someone with personal matters?

I'm talking about things that would most likely prevent them from having a healthy serious LTR


Such as; mental health, physical health, financial, career, and family related issues
I have taken a great deal of time, effort, energy to deal with my own issues and I take a very serious view of my health/fitness in order to remain health-problem-free. I wanted someone who had done the same work on their own self. I dated one person who had a mental problem (bi-polar) and it was simply too messy for my personal tastes. I give kudos to those who wouldn't mind these issues in a spouse, but I'm not one of those people. JMO
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 10
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/10/2012 2:15:12 PM
When answering the OP's question,try to remember that he is 23. With that, I would love to hear from him what he considers " not put together"???????

And yes OP, there are people out there that don't mind "dating" for the "fun of it", no matter whom they are dating. Could be for the sex. Could be the free meals. Could be the company. Could be numerous reasons, along with the numerous nutbars out there. Our world is full of em.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/10/2012 2:29:48 PM
That would certainly depend on numerous variables such as why the person is having mental and/or physical health issues, financial, career or family issues. Someone could be a train wreck today but if met a year before or a year after some type of medical event, for example, they would appear a totally different person. To a degree, seeing how someone copes with adversity from the get go could actually be enlightening, illustrating whether they'd be dead weight or positive contributor of solutions.

If someone is taking steps to get their act together it would be the other person's prerogative whether to date only "for fun," or to wait and see if they might be worth hanging around for. Someone who is doing nothing to fix things I suspect it'd be better off taking a pass. I told my daughter for years, why date someone that you know you don't want long-term, adults have trouble controlling who they fall for; why start seeing someone and then have to endure the mind and heart fighting over staying or walking away from that train wreck. Adults should avoid the same thing. If someone is unsure of their intentions or knows they are just dating for fun they need to be sure the other party knows that there is no long term or relationship in their future.
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 12
view profile
History
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/10/2012 5:01:31 PM

I'm talking about things that would most likely prevent them from having a healthy serious LTR
Such as; mental health, physical health, financial, career, and family related issues

I'm not sure any of those things automatically take a person out of the running for a "healthy, serious LTR". I suppose it would depend on the severity of each item you've listed - someone who suffers from SAD is probably a better relationship bet than someone who's schizophrenic and refuses to stay on his medication. By "financial/career-related issues", do you mean they sleep on the street and sell drugs to survive or do they simply lack a job in their chosen field at this moment in time? This question, as asked, seems unanswerable, at least to me. The way the question is presented, it looks to me as if you are taking people out of the 'relationship-appropriate group' based on your expectations, not on what they might actually be suitable for.

Ultimately, I guess it all depends on whether you are good with a fun-filled, non-serious relationship with people that you think are unsuitable for more.
 mark777771
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 13
view profile
History
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/10/2012 5:36:51 PM
well when find someone who has no problems let us all know.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 14
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/10/2012 5:54:25 PM
There are a world of nut bars out there.
Are you asking if you should date these nut bars even though they are not long term potential?
If you want the drama ... well then ... go right ahead.
Just don't get attached to any of them.
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 26
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/11/2012 3:12:15 AM
I've come across people who complain about the problems that people have in life, yet exhibit the selfish, narrow, fearful, dangerous nature of their soul that would prove more destructive than anything that you have described. You are the problem you describe if you really do date people with significant problems, "for fun."
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 27
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/11/2012 3:26:17 AM
I have worked with several middle to high functioning folks with down syndrome who are happily married -- and one with a child. I have worked people in treatment for Schizophrenia who have solid relationships with their kids and take them to and from school and manage families. I know cancer patients who are in relationships. I know people who have had family problems and live independently of their family, as those problems have nothing to do with who they are unless they're a deadbeat parent or an abusive spouse. (I'm one of those people whose family and extended family are dysfunctional, but I live independently of that dysfunction and have created a sound family for myself through insurmountable odds and had to travel to do it.) Financial problems are temporary unless you're a useless deadbeat (and I mean the people with cash who refuse to pay for the debts or the children they sired and have absconded all responsibilities that they're responsible for incurring.

I'm appalled at the lack of empathy exhibited here (and elsewhere, for that matter). I don't how the apathetic souls expect to have a relationship without some level of sacrifice, compromise, and hard work. Relationships are work. Sound relationships are always mutually earned.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 28
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/11/2012 6:34:23 AM

I'm appalled at the lack of empathy exhibited here (and elsewhere, for that matter). I don't how the apathetic souls expect to have a relationship without some level of sacrifice, compromise, and hard work. Relationships are work. Sound relationships are always mutually earned.

^^ Me To
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 29
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/11/2012 7:20:59 AM
Problem is you see such things as problems & most likely why a LTR alludes you. Your defining 99.9 % of the population & judging those for it. What you see as issues most others see as living their lives. Try as you might you can never avoid all of the above & it's unrealistic to equate a healthy serious LTR with it.
 irish_smackie
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 30
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/11/2012 8:19:35 AM
Mental health issues, addictions, and *certain* health issues are absolute deal-breakers for me. The other things may or may not be, depending on the severity and nature of the problems.

If this makes me "intolerant", so be it. I am a compassionate person, but I spend my life taking care of others. I don't want to caretake in my private life to the extent that I am completely drained.

 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 32
view profile
History
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/11/2012 1:59:35 PM

I'm appalled at the lack of empathy exhibited here (and elsewhere, for that matter). I don't how the apathetic souls expect to have a relationship without some level of sacrifice, compromise, and hard work. Relationships are work. Sound relationships are always mutually earned.


I spent my first 24 years dealing with a schizophrenic relative in the house, and still have to slightly worry about it cropping back up due to her going off her meds, daily. Having met other people with similar, serious mental illnesses, and having dealt with that type of thing on a day by day, personal basis - there's no reason I would purposely want to add that kind of burden to the rest of my life when I could just as easily find someone else without those problems.

There's a big difference between serious mental illnesses, financial problems, etc. and the imaginary fit into the labels like "spot the narcissist!" or "self diagnosed aspergers" that people put on people that exhibit certain personality trends. Serious financial/mental issues are a huge burden to deal with that exhibit in ways you don't see "from the outside," and there are enough people that don't have those issues to date that you have no reason to HAVE to choose to date someone with those types of problems.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 33
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/11/2012 2:10:44 PM
What I have issues with,, is the generalization of OP questions..we all have issues,, so how do we as society cast stones,,

OP,,below, if that is your position,, I don't argue it,, I just disagree with the generalization,,because bad things happen to good people,, and at least,, they deserve a chance to explain them selves, IF they choose too..and IF someone chooses to listen..
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 35
Dating someone who isn't put together
Posted: 9/11/2012 4:09:52 PM

Sometimes it's fun to date these kind of people, because they know they don't have as much of a chance in the dating pool, so they're more desperate, & are more willing to put out, etc...

so what you are really saying,, that is the best you can do,, now if your better than that,, why would you want to take advantage of some one,, you pick who you are,,
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Dating someone who isn't put together