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 AddCatchyNameHere
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 1
Open Relationships: The best of both worldsPage 1 of 9    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
I've been thinking a ton lately, and after trying the conventional way of relationships (I was married... didn't work out so well) and taking an honest look at human nature, I think society and religion teaches that monogamous relationships are the way to go, but I'm not so sure. I think open relationships combine the best parts of being single with the best parts of being in a relationship. It's definitely not the norm, but I just think for some people, it's an amazing alternative to a "normal" relationship, as long as there are certain guidelines. I'd love to hear opinions from people on the subject.
 AddCatchyNameHere
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 2
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 4:56:12 PM
Ok but lemme ask you this: do you have more than one friend in life? I bet you do. I bet you have some acquaintances, some friends, and one BEST friend. Does that make you shallow that your "friendship" needs aren't all met by one friend? I don't think so. I think different people bring different things to the table. But still, you have a best friend. One that's far above the rest. One that knows you on a much deeper level than all your other friends. We all see how in a friendship-type relationship, it's totally fine to have lots of friends to help out with our many needs. But then we look for an exclusive relationship, and we wonder why in the longrun, they just don't work out most of the time. Marriage ends in divorce over 50% of the time, and even when it doesn't, people are often unhappy and basically roommates. Maybe they aren't out having sex with anyone else, but their heart certainly isn't with their mate. I don't think it's shallow to have an open relationship. I think the level of trust needed to keep the heart invested in a relationship like that is so deep that it makes the relationship WAY stronger if done correctly. I believe that one person cannot fulfill all our needs, whether it's friendship or a romantic relationship. Still, there's a hierarchy. One friend is above the rest...
 FlaxenBlonde
Joined: 12/16/2010
Msg: 3
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Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 5:00:17 PM
This is wrong on so many levels. With this thread, you're simply trying to get approval from others. Do what you want to do, but own the results.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 4
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 5:05:57 PM
~OP~ While an open relationship wouldn't work for me, I know a few that find great value in their open-relationships. Much like a I know a couple of poly-households that work far better than many hetero-monogamous relationships I've witnessed (and/or been in.) All people are different and I think relationships are best defined by the individuals involved, rather than by some perceived social more ("norm.") And I completely agree with your analysis of society/religion dictating that monogamy (and even marriage) is the "right" way to be when in a relationship which includes love/sex/etc. If you're simply seeking sex outside of the confines of a LTR loving relationship, you may do best with a woman who's open to swinging. That makes a little more sense to me than simply going out and having sex with multiple parties (I don't know why this makes more sense to me, it just does.) At any rate ~ if you feel as you state here, you really should see if the practical application is what you think it may be. JMO
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 5
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Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 5:06:04 PM
both worlds? what worlds are those?
the legal world of divorce
and
the medical world of psychotherapy?

lol
 notdating-forumsonly
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 6
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 5:07:55 PM
This is a re-write of another thread he ran on the same topic. All he did was to take out the massive negativity. A second thread on the same topic cannot be posted.


both worlds? what worlds are those?
the legal world of divorce
and
the medical world of psychotherapy?

lol


Now THAT's funny.
 tygerpawn
Joined: 6/10/2012
Msg: 7
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 5:14:03 PM
What??? are you serious you think its the best of both worlds? yeah okay
maybe in Utah but in the real world most cannot handle it, I certainly dont want to share my partner or be shared.
 AddCatchyNameHere
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 8
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 5:18:33 PM
False... I'm not looking for approval. I'm looking to see if I've missed something here because this makes so much sense to me, and I'm wondering why it's so simple for me to see and not others...
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 9
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Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 5:28:45 PM


because this makes so much sense to me,


reminds me of when the kids were young... son would throw on a blanket and climb a tree
thinking he could fly,... because he saw it on TV and thought it would be a great idea and made so much
sense...
till he fell and broke his arm.

One good case of the clap or some lifetime herpes will set you straight and all of a sudden
will make more sense to NOT get into all this
 AddCatchyNameHere
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 10
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 5:36:43 PM
One of my specific rules would be that the only time protection isn't used is with my girlfriend. That also serves to make things more intimate between us and sets her apart from all of the rest...

As for making so much sense, why do you think normal relationships fail? Reason # 1: complacency. People hide behind "commitment" and get lazy. The very thing we go for (because as humans we strive to be comfortable and to not be pushed) sows the seeds of the failure of our relationships. But in an open relationship, complacency would be far less likely to happen, because if I get lazy and stop trying, guess what? Other people that my girl is hanging out with are still trying. So eventually I look real bad by comparison. People quit in relationships. They stop trying. I don't think it's because they didn't find the "right person". I think it's because they're using the wrong method. So many people cheat anyway. I'm saying it seems like human nature, but nobody wants to say it because it sounds "wrong". So we do it in secret and lie and deceive our partners and rip their hearts out instead. But at least we weren't" supposed" to do it, right? That makes it so much better. Yeah right. It's the romeo and juliet effect. As soon as something is forbidden, human nature is to want it more.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 11
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Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 5:38:55 PM
all sounds kinda selfish, heathen like and self absorbed....
but hey...
your mind is made up so go for it and you will be back here in time listing all the reasons it'
was a bad idea...

and then also maybe have some morals develop...
lol
best of luck to you !
 BLONDE_ANGEL845
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 12
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 5:41:38 PM
as long as he can get women to go along w/ it, he will get away w/ it...
 FlaxenBlonde
Joined: 12/16/2010
Msg: 13
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Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 5:53:51 PM
Hey, you've got your mind made up. Why argue the point with others? Just do what you want to do BUT don't expect everyone else to agree with your view of how multiple partners is so much better. And oh my, how generous of you to not use protection with your # 1 girlfriend so she'll be set apart from the others. Pure hogwash.



So we do it in secret and lie and deceive our partners and rip their hearts out instead.


Maybe you do, but don't try to put everyone else at your level in order to validate your behavior.
 tampasmiles
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 14
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 5:57:57 PM
Sounds like your definition of an open relationship is the same as casual dating...with one person you like more than the rest. As long as no one is ready for a committed relationship it would work but at one point someone will rock the boat...for sure.
 radiumdecay
Joined: 5/26/2009
Msg: 15
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 6:08:23 PM
Having floated at the fringes of a few open relationships myself (as insider and outsider) I can say that to work, open relationships require a certain set of personalities and values that most people don't have, and that looking at open relationships as 'the best of both worlds' is the path to disaster. As verygreeneyez puts it, open relationships are hugely dependent on the individuals involved, and people in such a relationship have to be tremendously mature, like-minded, conflict-resolving, and emotionally stable. Sure, it can work for some people, but rules and agreements are only the very tip of the iceberg when it comes to the day-to-day emotional workings, and like any relationship, a lot of energy has to be invested in avoiding the downsides, vice exploiting the upsides.
 OKgirl529
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 16
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 6:08:25 PM
If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 17
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 6:09:30 PM
It's something I've heard some people swear by but it never really sounds very convincing. I get the impression that one partner drags the other one into it more often than not.

I had two girlfriends in college who knew each other. Everyone said they were cool with the situation and everyone wound up getting hurt anyway. The vast majority of people are simply way too insecure to handle something like what you describe, OP. Even most of the ones who say they can.

If you can find other ways to make each other feel valued, appreciated and loved, maybe it can work out? Why not?

Good luck with that.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 18
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Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 6:09:53 PM
Sounds really disgusting to me, but hey if it's so simple for you to see how great it would be, go for it.
Everyone has different morals, standards and expectations so not everyone is going to see things your way.

I'm sure there's a girl out there who is gonna feel soooo special because she's the only one you don't use protection with.
LMAO so simple for me to see how stupid that sounds... (see what I did there...)

Good luck!
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 19
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 6:16:24 PM

But in an open relationship, complacency would be far less likely to happen, because if I get lazy and stop trying

OP? I have to wonder how many relationships (REAL, long term, committed relationships) you've had. Unfortunately? Open marriages are just as likely to become stale as monogamous relationships. The sex may remain lively, or livelier, but the relationship with the SO? That'll be NO different than a relationship within the confines of monogamy. There is only ONE way to keep a relationship from complacency and it's NOT by having sex with multiple partners. It's time, energy, effort, and commitment to keep the complacency at bay. Now that you've posted more than the original post? I think you just want the benefits of a LTR without the responsibilities that go with that. JMO
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 20
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 6:26:29 PM
Sounds to me that you can't manage to be faithful to a girlfriend so you are finding a way to get around it without being called a cheater...
 scottey63
Joined: 3/8/2008
Msg: 21
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Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 6:40:27 PM
Yeah, and it gives you justification for screwing around. What a deal!

You can rationalize any concept you want into "making sense". And comparing sexual relationships to platonic friendships in this context is comparing apples and oranges in my book.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 22
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Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 6:45:54 PM
I tried it briefly long ago. In addition to rapidly concluding that it wasn't for me, I also came to be of the firm opinion that a so-called "open relationship," is functionally identical to two people having an FWB with each other. Not worth the work of setting it up, really.

Literally every person I've ever known or heard of who claimed to live in one, eventually came to realize that they really weren't trying to build a life with their "open relationship" partner at all. Not to mention, that every couple was subject to repeated instances where one or the other thought they'd found their "REAL" love after all, and ran off with them, only to return when that fling failed.

While they are having fun, though, the "open relationship" people are always bubbly and upbeat about the whole thing. As soon as one or the other found that the other partner was regularly unavailable to them, because they were having a sexual fling with someone outside of the "relationship" (while they themselves were not having the same "luck"), it fell apart.

Primary tell-tale sign that you are fooling yourself into buying into something you don't really want: you start working on persuasive arguments to give to other people, about why this way is superior to the old style way of doing things., and talk a a lot about how happy you are with your choice. People who ACTUALLY enjoy their lives, just quietly go about living them.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 23
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 7:04:59 PM

I bet you have some acquaintances, some friends, and one BEST friend. Does that make you shallow that your "friendship" needs aren't all met by one friend?


But, I am not having sex with my best friend or any of those other friends that meet other relationship needs. Yes I still have a "best friend" who is not my SO, and other friends that I spend time with, but a sexual relationship is something completely different. Not really interested in a relationship where there are multiple sexual partners and I think most people feel the same way.


I believe that one person cannot fulfill all our needs, whether it's friendship or a romantic relationship.


Sorry if one person cannot meet your romantic relationship needs, perhaps you are not mature enough for a relationship.
 AddCatchyNameHere
Joined: 7/23/2011
Msg: 24
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 7:20:12 PM
I really appreciate all the input. I know most people aren't in agreement with me, but I appreciate people taking the time to weigh in on the topic. I guess for me the main difference between this and FWB is that with FWB, there isn't that deep connection that there is in a relationship. You're just friends. There's no commitment (as everyone laughs because I just used that word). There IS commitment involved in an open relationship. Ultimately, I'm looking for her HEART to be committed to me, and mine to her. How many relationships out there involve people who don't cheat, but their hearts aren't in their relationship either? Is that commitment? How about pornography in a relationship? Is that ok? You have a guy looking at another girl having sex, and he's getting off watching that. Maybe she's not literally in the room with him, but SHE'S the object of his passion at that moment, not his girl. But I digress. Anyway, I think passion would be so much greater when there's something to make it so that the effort has to be kept up and people can't be lazy. I think trust would be DEEPER if I have to trust that my girl isn't giving her heart away to someone else.

And one more thing. Yes, I want to have my cake and to eat it too. Selfish you say? Ok. But ultimately, people in a monogamous relationship are selfish too. We wouldn't get into a relationship at all if we didn't think it'll make us happier than being single. We aren't out there being martyrs for other people. At the end of the day, we are all selfish. We pursue our own happiness, even in unselfishness like charity for example: we give so we can help others, and as a consequence, we end up feeling better about ourselves. Selfishness even in apparent unselfishness.

80% of men cheat. If there's an 80% chance of rain, I'm bringing my umbrella. Or maybe I'll just accept that it's probably in the weather's nature to rain that day, so I'll make allowances for what's statistically going to happen...
 Lilbitofsugaandspice
Joined: 6/30/2011
Msg: 25
Open Relationships: The best of both worlds
Posted: 9/14/2012 7:26:31 PM
I think what your saying is you want a safety net so in case you feel like cheating she will not walk away from you. How can you be totally committed to the woman if your going into the relationship saying its ok for me to cheat if I feel like it and you cannot leave me now for that because you gave me permission.
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