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 Abbxo
Joined: 8/29/2012
Msg: 1
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So I met my fiancee on this site approx 3 years ago. We dated, moved in together and last December got engaged. 2 weeks ago she broke up with me saying 'she cares about me but doesnt love me anymore'

Her issue is basically that I have a bad temper and she's afraid things are going to escalate and get worse. Possibly physical. Also she's tired of all the fighting and verbal abuse, etc, etc. Now I have accepted that I need to address this issue and have begun seeing a counsellor about it. Problem is at the moment she wants nothing to do with me or our relationship. She moved out, I have moved back home. We talk briefly every couple days mostly about furniture or the pets we had which are now in my possession. Now I don't want to sound**** or arrogant but when we werent arguing I was probably in line for boyfriend of the year award. I treat her like gold. She has everything she needs. I go above and beyond to do things for her....even if its something as small as cleaning her car or doing her laundry for work cause she exhausted from working 14 hrs a day. Now I know there are not many guys out there who would do all these 'little things' for their girlfriends and in my opinion she's not looking at this whole relationship objectively. She's still just angry about all the times I get upset and lose my temper.

I'm trying to piece everything together and see if this relationship is repairable. I love her to death and want to spend the rest of my life with her. She at the moment seems content. I do send her letters reminding her of how much she means to me, etc but most of them go without a response.

If anyone has any advice or been through something similar I would love to get some opinions.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 2
Break ups
Posted: 9/18/2012 1:41:17 PM

Her issue is basically that I have a bad temper and she's afraid things are going to escalate and get worse. Possibly physical. Also she's tired of all the fighting and verbal abuse, etc, etc. Now I have accepted that I need to address this issue and have begun seeing a counsellor about it


OP I read all the things you do for her,, did you know they are worthless,, if can't respect the woman you love,, I mean really she fears you,, you give her verbal abuse,, whast next,, anger in rage and hurt her,,, Bud,, you may love her,, but your anger drove her away,,no person deserves what your dishing out,, I'd say follow though with getting help,, good luck,,
 OKgirl529
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 3
Break ups
Posted: 9/18/2012 1:42:14 PM
I just went thru a similiar situation. My boyfriend of 2 years...became verbally abusive and was slightly physically abusive on a few occasions. We broke up and I moved out. That wasn't our only issue though..he never worked and I paid for everything. If he would get help for his anger issues, and get a job, then I'd consider getting back with him. However I think he's still too immature at the moment and blames it all on me.

I'm not sure what advice to give, maybe show her the proof that you're trying. Send her flowers or something. If she still doesn't come around, just move on and learn from your mistakes.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 4
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Posted: 9/18/2012 1:48:52 PM
You mean, except for the fact that you're abusive, you're the perfect boyfriend?

Yeah, makes sense.

Find a therapist. Work on your anger issues. Stop being in denial. Leave her alone.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 5
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Posted: 9/18/2012 1:49:24 PM
It doesn't matter how many nice things you did for her, the abuse cancels it out. Abusive people never seem to get that. They think if they're nice sometimes people should put up with the abuse.
I ended a relationship last year because of this. (No physical abuse).
He kept saying (like you), "But most of the time I'm a great guy". And he was. But 5-10% of the time he was an idiot and it didn't make up for the other 90%.
Go get some help. Then find someone else. You've ruined this relationship.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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Posted: 9/18/2012 1:51:36 PM
I'll add my vote to what rdcnorm said.

Another way to put this is, that it's very important as part of your work to improve yourself through counselling, that you fully realize that no one can buy back failures and bad acts, by performing nice acts for someone.

It isn't so much that your nice acts were meaningless per se, as that they have nothing at all to do with whether or not you are acceptable as a mate for someone.

Quite literally, you can not buy love, you cannot buy trust, and you cannot buy forgiveness of transgressions. So stop thinking or talking about how you are "boyfriend of the year" when you aren't threatening to harm someone. You are not that at ANY time, if you are not that ALL of the time.
 FairOaksChick
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 7
Break ups
Posted: 9/18/2012 2:08:31 PM
Just had three of those types of relationships in a row. From what you wrote, I am very sorry to say, but it is over. 95% of the time, these guys were GREAT, loving, helpful, everything one could ever want. Unfortunately, the other small percent of the time, was having to deal with their anger and verbal abuse. Over time, one becomes less hopeful that the guy will change. After a while, one realizes that she is no longer in love anymore. Once one realizes that, the relationship is over.
 Abbxo
Joined: 8/29/2012
Msg: 8
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Posted: 9/18/2012 2:08:43 PM
Good advice and opinions from everyone. It's hard to look at your own relationship objectively. As I said I have already been seeing a counsellor for the last 2 weeks. I just wish I realized the issue before it was too late. Unfortunately communication was not her strong point so it took her walking out on me to understand that.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 9
Break ups
Posted: 9/18/2012 2:21:16 PM

Unfortunately communication was not her strong point so it took her walking out on me to understand that.

Something to consider,, It's very hard to communicate with someone who yelling at them,, then add if your not yelling,, she may have feared that you would,, so with that volatility,,she might have been afraid to open up to you..
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 10
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Posted: 9/18/2012 2:25:52 PM
I voted to keep this thread because, OP, you REALLY need to understand how messed up your post is. You seriously need therapy because:

Now I know there are not many guys out there who would do all these 'little things' for their girlfriends and in my opinion she's not looking at this whole relationship objectively. She's still just angry about all the times I get upset and lose my temper.

If that is truly the way you think, you are not ready for a relationship with anyone.
No one deserve to verbal abuse. All the little rewards and favors you do, doesn't cut it. EVER.
I wouldn't put up with it.


If anyone has any advice or been through something similar I would love to get some opinions


You betcha, I had a woman verbally abuse me, ONCE. She was dead to me afterwards. This is something I have zero tolerance for. Try a little friggin empathy and put yourself in her shoes for a second.
 Abbxo
Joined: 8/29/2012
Msg: 11
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Posted: 9/18/2012 2:27:37 PM
valid point. yet she would open up other things. which i guess is why i never got a read. she called me yesterday to vent about her job. can you see where i maybe getting the mixed signals?
 Abbxo
Joined: 8/29/2012
Msg: 12
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Posted: 9/18/2012 2:35:03 PM
bmore_goat:

you obviously need to read everything again. I completely empathize with her. I realize my issue and have already begun taking action.

I was just looking for advice from people who have been in similar situations. I want to know if this is repairable or if the damage has been done. I realize what I need to do for myself. I just want to know if there's anything to do for us. I obviously love her to death but feelings have been hurt.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 13
Break ups
Posted: 9/18/2012 2:51:23 PM

yet she would open up other things. which i guess is why i never got a read. she called me yesterday to vent about her job. can you see where i maybe getting the mixed signals?

Venting over a job, is slightly different ,, I am guessing,, and I could be wrong,, you listen,, but don't pay attention,, the other side is when you are both talking about life between you two,, that is when you blow, as she may be saying things you just don't want to hear or accept,, sometimes people do that because of ego,, not wanting to be wrong,, or always right,, bud I have no clue why you explode,,these are just ideas,, but the issues are deeper than her,, it's your issues,, as you agreed they were,,,
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 14
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Posted: 9/18/2012 3:15:12 PM

Now I know there are not many guys out there who would do all these 'little things' for their girlfriends and in my opinion she's not looking at this whole relationship objectively. She's still just angry about all the times I get upset and lose my temper.

Doing nice things for someone doesn't give you a free pass to treat them like sh*t other times. You need to get help with your issues, and stop expecting other people to let you off the hook because you "do such nice things for them" when you aren't beating them up verbally.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 15
Break ups
Posted: 9/18/2012 3:50:26 PM

Now I know there are not many guys out there who would do all these 'little things' for their girlfriends and in my opinion she's not looking at this whole relationship objectively. She's still just angry about all the times I get upset and lose my temper.


No she is not angry about all the times you got upset, she is simply done. You have successfully killed her love for you with you behaviour. I know you think that all the "little things" make you special, well they don't. Almost every man I have spent any amount of time with did those little things for me as I did things for them. It is called an adult relationship.


I do send her letters reminding her of how much she means to me, etc but most of them go without a response.


She is not responding because she has said all that she wants to say to about the matter. You need to leave her alone, continue your anger management courses and move on. But please stay away from other woman until you have your anger under control. You have acknowledge that you have a problem, now deal with it instead of inflicting in on someone else.

Leave the poor woman alone, she was brave enough to leave, she has told you how she feels now accept that and move on.
 prettyflowers
Joined: 7/16/2012
Msg: 16
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Posted: 9/18/2012 4:06:17 PM
Fix yourself friend....And do it as fast as you can!!! She is smart..She is looking down the road. And there are plenty of men who clean out their ladys cars and do laundry...Which is a trust thing. You are NOT unique...Get your S**t together. You have a monkey on your back...No, you have an ape on your back...Get rid of it, or you will be alone.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 18
Break ups
Posted: 9/18/2012 5:51:36 PM
And I think people underestimate the severity that emotional/verbal abuse can have on an individual's self-esteem.

I read that, and know your right, I have met so many women over the course of my life time,,It's terrible to see the self-esteem issues so many women have had to deal with over their life time,,.. yes they allowed that abuse for their own reasons,,as well as so many are looking for healing , closer and growth,,.. It just sucks for the nice guys out there willing to help work though those issues with a woman,, it's fun so to speak,,but it's like so many good men have to take that extra step and say,, hey I am not him or them,, and we may lose a wonderful woman because of what that had experienced and can't let go of,, so OP,, let your girl go,, so she can be the wonderful you know she is,,don't harm her anymore,, that would be you first step to recovery and getting help.. it starts with you...
 Abbxo
Joined: 8/29/2012
Msg: 19
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Posted: 9/18/2012 7:00:39 PM
motown_cowgirl:

If you actually read my comments I never "blamed her" for anything. She never communicated with me the issue so how am I to know there is one? I take full responsibility for my actions. I don't blame anyone but myself for her deciding to leave. I was simply saying I wish it could have been brought to my attention before the damage was done. As some other people have said, perhaps it was out of fear I would "blow up" or over react to her trying to talk to me. I don't know, I'm not her. Obviously now that I know it's an issue I have been working through it and getting the help needed.
 Abbxo
Joined: 8/29/2012
Msg: 20
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Posted: 9/18/2012 7:02:35 PM
There were no red flags. The week before was my birthday and she was as loving as she always is. Even looking back, nothing noticable had changed.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 21
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Posted: 9/18/2012 7:52:12 PM
No amount of sucking up after being abusive is worthy of acceptance. No amount of counseling is going to do any good as long as you are thinking this should make up for what you've done to others and get you a free pass. Leave her alone, do the work on yourself and don't bother to try to con a con. Until you are going to therapy because you want to change and actually do all the hard work it's going to take, don't be in any position where you can abuse someone again. There are tons of nice guys out there who do nice things for others and never abuse anyone for any reason, don't kid yourself.
 Abbxo
Joined: 8/29/2012
Msg: 22
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Posted: 9/18/2012 8:00:36 PM
GroovyDaze:

Completely agreed. It's not time to get into another relationship. I fully intend on continuing to go to counselling for a while and focus on stuff like getting a new job, etc. I merely created the account to come on the forums. If you check my profile is hidden. Figured I would just fill it out honestly because one day I might be ready and decide it's time for another relationship. Now is definitely not the time.
 bikeman1467
Joined: 9/22/2009
Msg: 23
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Posted: 9/18/2012 8:53:58 PM
Can't say I have had any very similar experiences.
My advice is:
1. Respect her breakup decision and her space.
2. Work on you anger issues for YOURSELF and not your X.
Only then can you get any sort of relationship closure while you are investing in yourself. Only then can you realistically pursue developing a successful relation with any woman.
Frankly I wouldn't tolerate verbal abuse from my partner no matter how "nice" she was before she turned on me.
 bmore_goat
Joined: 4/8/2009
Msg: 24
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Posted: 9/18/2012 11:16:14 PM

you obviously need to read everything again. I completely empathize with her. I realize my issue and have already begun taking action.

I was just looking for advice from people who have been in similar situations. I want to know if this is repairable or if the damage has been done. I realize what I need to do for myself. I just want to know if there's anything to do for us. I obviously love her to death but feelings have been hurt.

Dude, I've read everything you said. Twice.
You need to UNDERSTAND what I wrote. And you need to grow up a bit. Being in a verbal abusive relationship is SHITE. More than you can imagine.
I also said I also said I was once in her shoes. So once a person on that side of the fence finally makes the break, they are SOOOOO done.

You begun taking action? Two weeks of counseling is a minute start. Another start is being mature enough to know when to give up toxic behavior. Part of that is to give someone else peace of mind.
Expecting your victim to give you another chance is a child's way of thinking. No one owes you a relationship. Having a GF is a privilege, not a right. The minute you treat someone like shite, you lost all rights to be in their life.
You love her to death, so what?
Take control of your life in the long term and say good-bye. Even if she reaches out to vent about her job, it's just her way of reacting in the toxic cycle you two have been feeding off in the last 3 years.

Two whole pages of people telling you to leave this woman alone, yet you still feel you need to give it a go once more despite her objections just because "you realize what you need to do for yourself".
You need to realize what to do for HER. Part of being an adult is thinking of other people sometimes.
 mark777771
Joined: 4/22/2012
Msg: 25
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Posted: 9/19/2012 7:38:13 AM
if she cares about the relationship at all I would suggest counseling. If she wont even consider counseling to me it would be a clear indicator that she doesnt want to repair or even work on the relationship. The thing I notice in a lot of these forums is that most people dont even want to work on their relationship once there are problems. Since the letters have no restponse I would suggest finding another woman. Learn from this relationship. Don't repeat the same mistakes. Go find another woman who will appreciate being treated like gold, obviously this one isnt interested in moving on with you. I also would suggest not spoiling the next one initially, find out if she really likes you, not your money. Good luck
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 26
Break ups
Posted: 9/19/2012 8:08:35 AM
if she cares about the relationship at all I would suggest counseling. If she wont even consider counseling to me it would be a clear indicator that she doesnt want to repair or even work on the relationship.

Wow!!! sounds like your putting the blame on OP ex-girl friend,, I'd say, she stayed way to long in the first place,, and OP has the issues from what I read thus far,,his ex girl friend is saving herself,, and good for her..


Don't repeat the same mistakes

That I agree with,,


Go find another woman who will appreciate being treated like gold, obviously this one isnt interested in moving on with you. I also would suggest not spoiling the next one initially, find out if she really likes you, not your money. Good luck

I would guess OP ex did appreciate what he has done for her,,what she didn't appreciate is the abuse, and no one in their right mind would,, that is why his girl left.. This is just my openion,, treating a woman right and doing things for her is not spoiling her,,whats it's showing is you appreciate her and love her,,it's the abuse that got OP in trouble,,and that will happen again if he doesn't get help for Himself,, without bringing others in to the mess,, that responsibility rest solely on him..
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