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 Aries_328
Joined: 10/16/2011
Msg: 3
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is this a valid request?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
Avoid anyone that uses manipulative devices as a means to show how much you care.

He is testing you. He is testing your vulnerability as well as your inclination to being controlled. I wonder if he even knows he is doing it... Sometimes its just a persons character and they do these things without any thought to what they are doing.

Best to not find out. It bothers you because it is controlling and manipulative and makes no sense at all. Go with that. Won't take long until someone better comes around. :)
 billingsmason
Joined: 2/3/2012
Msg: 4
is this a valid request?
Posted: 9/30/2012 11:05:41 PM
trick? ^^^ wtf?

Not a reasonable request...... controlling and weird.
What was his reasoning? To be like him? To make a stand against FB? Paranoid of being tracked?

Next he will want you to move far away and drop contact with friends, family....
get out while you still can.
People amaze me.
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 5
is this a valid request?
Posted: 9/30/2012 11:23:52 PM
You're not making a big deal out of this. He's attempting to exert control over you, and you both haven't met yet. Block the nut and move forward.
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 6
is this a valid request?
Posted: 9/30/2012 11:54:29 PM
everyone has talked about the possibility of this guy just trying to be manipulative and controlling, so i will talk about another possibility. perhaps this guy just really doesnt like facebook? my personal opinion is that facebook can definitely be strenuous on a relationship. in fact, my wife left me to be with someone who got in touch with her on facebook. maybe the guy youre talking to had a similar experience and hed not like to repeat it?
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 8
is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/1/2012 12:08:15 AM
shakti: perhaps he just wants to see her views on it before he puts the time and effort into dating her? i could see that being a possibility. since neither of us knows the guy in question, none of us can honestly say we know what his motivations are.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 13
is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/1/2012 1:11:50 AM
I hate Walmart..

would it be a valid request to expect all men i date to NEVER shop at Walmart?

tell him to grow up!
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 17
is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/1/2012 5:57:07 AM

started talking to this guy and things seem to be going well. we start talking about our beliefs and how we see things. the fact that i have a facebook account comes up and he tells me that he doesnt have one because he dislikes it. he then asks me if i would delete my account for him. i tell him no, because i keep in touch with a lot of my family that way. he tells me time would tell if it would work if i follow along with his thinking and delete my facebook.

You haven't even met and this person and he already seeks to control your behavior.


is that a reasonable request?

No.


am i making a big deal out of nothing?

No.

You need to recognize signs of controlling behavior early and decide if you want to put up with it. You do not know this bloke and I'm assuming you haven't even been on a date yet and he has no right to impose his view upon you.

He sounds like a wanker to me. I certainly wouldn't have the gall to make such a demand.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 20
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is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/1/2012 7:19:18 AM
OP you said on post 1 you started talking to him

started?
and he asked you to delete your facebook for him?

can you not see the writing on the wall?
the one in big red letters that says: control freak?

ughhhhhhhh

stop talking to him, he is trouble.
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 23
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is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/1/2012 1:05:26 PM
Not only that, but I would not ask anyone I am in a relationship with to delete any account that they have.....that would be up to them, and not me!

Just as some insist or wonder why, if in a relationship, one would still have their POF account, and as I have said all along......There are ways to limit who sees you on any social network, and ways to limit your information and degree of friends and family that you want knowing your business and/or not! I choose not to do facebook for my own professional and business reasons, but that is my choice and not a forced one, even if others might think that it is.

Life is to short to let others intrude in you life all the time, and I find it better for all of us to evaluate who is in your private life, why, and how you can be in charge of it. It is bad enough that our government intrudes as they do, and many of our employers, so why would so many let acquaintances, friends, family, and others do it with them? I am much more into knowing and controlling who and what is open for others to see and know.

As far as I am concerned, to each their own, and I should have the same ability to allow and not allow who I let in my life or not!

cd
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 26
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is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/1/2012 1:55:20 PM

Thats your opinon. To others, social networking sites are the quintessential example of drama.


No, that's not an "opinion" - it is a verifiable fact. It's like saying "knives are responsible for killing people." Facebook is a tool - any drama you get from there comes specifically from the people that you choose to associate with. Anyone that has said they have had no drama don't associate with people with drama, or don't cause it themselves. Anyone that has, has either caused drama or associate with people who do.

Since Facebook is a tool used by people, there is literally no possible way to get around this or say "it's an opinion" because it, quite simply, isn't.


Personally I wouldn't date anyone playing on facebook, there are plenty of other options for family photo sites that don't expose the kids and others with sensitive jobs etc...


There's a little something you may not have heard of called "privacy settings."

(also, how can someone posting on a public forum daily complain about people posting on Facebook, which you can set to private?)
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 28
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is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/1/2012 2:11:41 PM
So this woman is talking to this guy from a public dating site I'm guessing, where I'm also guessing he had a picture up. And he'd have a problem with his picture being posted with her on the Internet, on Facebook, which isn't public unless the person toggles it to such. Wonderful bit of logic there, lotustemple. So, you're saying he's either married or insane then? Thanks for being rational and agreeing with everyone!
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 30
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is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/1/2012 2:30:30 PM

I think for someone you've never met to ask you to stop doing ANYTHING you normally do is a bit of crossing the line of boundaries.


This is pretty much it. And on top of that, having an irrational dislike of something with such a wide range of uses shows a bit of reasoning difficulty/lack of mental stability. If he just asked, "if you have Facebook, could you not post pictures of me or tag me in stuff because (of reason that doesn't include me being married/having a girlfriend)," that would be reasonable, but saying she can't have it at all shows a gigantic danger zone that you need to get away from.

"Hey, do you have a car? Get rid of it or I won't date you!" That's literally the level of request he's asking - it's ridiculous.
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 31
is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/1/2012 3:27:03 PM

The best advice on here, believe that! Trying to test and see how easy you are to control IMO.

My thoughts too.
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 33
is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/1/2012 3:41:56 PM
Really--you have to ask if this is a valid request?

If his request is valid, it is just as valid for you to ask him to create a FB account because YOU do LIKE the site.
 H0wAboutIt
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 35
is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/1/2012 6:53:14 PM


started talking to this guy and things seem to be going well. we start talking about our beliefs and how we see things. the fact that i have a facebook account comes up and he tells me that he doesnt have one because he dislikes it. he then asks me if i would delete my account for him. i tell him no, because i keep in touch with a lot of my family that way. he tells me time would tell if it would work if i follow along with his thinking and delete my facebook.
is that a reasonable request? am i making a big deal out of nothing?

That's a big boundary crossing. That shows he doesn't care about your happiness or relationship with your family. A big red-flag. It will start with facebook, then your email, then your cell phone, going out after 8pm, and before you know it you'll be telling your friends how the mark on your head or your black eye was because you keep tripping over the toys from the one of the six kids he's going to make you have just so he can keep you in house *cough* arrest *cough*

You shouldn't even be adding anyone you date as a friend on facebook unless they were one already. That just leads to problems and too much information being unveiled this early in the game.

He's a control freak. Part ways immediately if you know what's good for you.

Remember: In this case, what you have on your facebook page regardless of content is none of his business. If you're married on the sly, have multiple partners, pics of you in compromising positions, and this guy sees it -- it's open season on you. It'll morally justfiy his position making your request for space null and void because you clearly can't be trusted.

If anyone asks about your facebook account or the URL - tell them no, period. Not "I don't have one" because if you're caught you'll look like a liar which isn't good. Just say no.
 LGG62
Joined: 9/9/2007
Msg: 36
is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/2/2012 12:09:18 PM
The Pig is right. Facebook doesn't MAKE a person cheat. It's just another avenue of hundreds for people who would cheat anyway to use. But I'm glad you're an expert, since you watched an unbiased TV show about it.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 37
is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/2/2012 12:11:40 PM

in fact, my wife left me to be with someone who got in touch with her on facebook. maybe the guy youre talking to had a similar experience and hed not like to repeat it?

Ah, but that is a people problem, not a Facebook problem...
Suppose your wife left you for someone she met in a grocery store? Would you be pushing any new female interests to stay away from grocery stores?


Facebook is not responsible for "never ending drama", either. It's the people.

THANK YOU!

LOTS of people use Facebook as a means to stay in contact with friends and family. Heck, tons of business entities and various community or special-interest organizations have Facebook accounts.


Would she be willing to get off the site due to reasons she didn't bother to ask about? Nope it was all about her.
*************
Hahaha! She's never even met the dude!! All about her? He's the one asking her to change things in her life. Seriously, unbelievable.


unbeFREAKIN'lievable,even.

As far as him having a sensitive job-so what? She can't "friend" him because he's not ON Facebook. Is there some way some "Big Brother" entity can go thru HER and sniff out a guy that she's exchanged a couple of emails with, and then tell the world about his sensitive job? Maybe he could just ask her to wear a tinfoil helmet when she is on Facebook keeping up with friends and family...


Maybe he doesn't like it because photos and info of them together being posted ad infinitum on the internet is compromising to him


She has been "talking" to this guy...not "dating" him. I'm not able to determine from the word "talking", if they have even MET in person. I would certainly call it a fair request, were they ever to GET in a relationship-if he asked her not to put his picture or information about him on her FB page.
LOL, I have a facebook page, some of my friends on that page are representedby pictures of a dog, a rose, an organization logo....


I think for someone you've never met to ask you to stop doing ANYTHING you normally do is a bit of crossing the line of boundaries. You haven't even met him yet. Ask him if he would mind not masturbating as you dislike it and see what he says.

Does that also apply to people we've never met blasting away on a forum trying to shame people into deleting their Facebook accounts?


controlling personalities start with little things sometimes, this didn't even seem all that subtle

***********************
The best advice on here, believe that! Trying to test and see how easy you are to control IMO.

that's pretty much what I thought, too.


there is a valid issue here
I saw a series on marriage on tv and they said statistically facebook is responsible for alot of adultry nowdays leading to divorce


Again, this is not a Facebook or PoF or Yahoo chat problem, it is a PEOPLE problem. People committ adultery with
people they meet at the grocery store, at the PTA meeting,in church even. Yes, I have no doubt that FB, AFF, PoF even, can expedite and facilitate people who have intent to stray from their marriage vows. But this is not the fault of the website.


The longer people point the finger at the wrong issue, the longer the real issue will go unaddressed.

Indeed...but I often wonder if people simply do not have the GUTS to face the real issue??? Rather than look at the HUMAN reasons that their marriage or relationship failed, how much easier(and more emotionally comforting!) to blame something else.
Cindy O
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 38
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is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/2/2012 12:33:11 PM

If I wanted to cheat, I could cheat without Facebook or the internet. Temptation is all around us everywhere.

The longer people point the finger at the wrong issue, the longer the real issue will go unaddressed.


Exactly. If someone isn't going to cheat, a naked woman could attempt to backflip on top of their **** while they were tied down and they'd still dodge it somehow. "Temptation" is pointless - either you will cheat given circumstances or you won't. "Avoiding" cheating because the circumstances don't present themselves is worthless, the issue is the mentality, not the action.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 39
is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/2/2012 1:21:05 PM
Today is Facebook, tomorrow, your friends and who you are ALOUD to call, then your bank account, then everything you do.

Like others said, controlling personalities start small, they even tell you that they are transparent with their things and claim to tell you all, when if fact, they have their little secrets as well.
 webmdtech
Joined: 12/5/2008
Msg: 40
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is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/2/2012 1:40:45 PM

oh and the funniest story they told--a couple was cheating online and it turned
out they were TALKING TO EACH OTHER and did not know it---when they
found out who they were talking to they immediately divorced


Aweee, it sounds like "If you like Pina Coladas" song.
 BlokeInSydney
Joined: 5/7/2012
Msg: 41
is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/2/2012 3:10:30 PM


oh and the funniest story they told--a couple was cheating online and it turned
out they were TALKING TO EACH OTHER and did not know it---when they
found out who they were talking to they immediately divorced


Aweee, it sounds like "If you like Pina Coladas" song.

Only in the Pina Colada song the reaction was exactly tho opposite. I never did get that song how the couple didn't rip each others' head off when they walked into the bar when they discovered they were each cheating! lol
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 43
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is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/2/2012 5:54:06 PM

Why should this be such a novel concept.. seriously?


You forgot the PRIVACY scapegoat, in which people that "big brother" would never have the slightest interest in, and who never would do anything that would interest perspective employers or insurance companies or whoever in the slightest, worry about a what-if of Facebook deciding to single out to show them the information they have set to "private" in their account.

Facebook tagged me in Pizza Hut yesterday; the insurance company is going to buy that info directly from Facebook and deny me life insurance because I was around fatty food! The tinfoil hat crew's newest demon is social networking.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 48
is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/3/2012 7:25:28 AM
OP
thank you for the additional info.
Not to put thoughts in your-or anyone else's!- mind, I saw the FB question as probably the most universal and common denominator that people could identify with, since so many people of all ages and from many walks of life happen to have FB accounts.

It is interesting how many people were able to extrapolate/predict OTHER controlling and/or isolating attitudes,ones that the OP is now revealing.

For the people who have had spouses or SOs leave them, expedited by FB or other social networking, dating, or chatroom sites...I am heartbroken for each and every one of you.
Perhaps it would be fair to say that the internet made it easier to cheat or represented a greater temptation, but so do a lot of things in the modern world.

I wonder-for those who attacked the OP, the OT, or Facebook, just how desperate for a relationship they are, that they attack people who refuse to kowtow to a demand that is clearly an indication of controlling behavior? Really? Were a potential dating candidate to demand of those people that they stop having friends(OK, maybe THAT WOULD be easy for some!), or drop other social/recreational/hobby activities that the dating candidate "doesn't like"-would they comply?
Cindy O
 abmccray
Joined: 8/3/2008
Msg: 51
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is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/3/2012 1:06:59 PM

well you guys can say and think what you want but people who counsel married couples disagree...who would know best...


No they don't.

Or, more specifically, you typically have two types of marriage counselors; those that think it is the goal for the two people to remain married, no matter what, and those that will counsel a divorce if that's the best course of action for the two people involved.

In the first case, the "goal" is for the two people to stay together, no matter what. So, in doing this, they would counsel away from anything that causes temptation, that would include social media sites, bars, whatever - and to fill that time with more family association.

That "goal" is not the current topic of discussion - it is if social media site -causes- the issue, which is obviously for anyone with connecting brain cells, not true. And the former would agree since they read the same psychiatry/psychology books I had to, on top of even more - cheating is a decision made in the mind, and that decision is the issue, not the action. Thus, anything they use to express the action that they would already do is irrelevant.

As for the latter group of marriage counselors, see the paragraph below. Knowing this, instead of ever saying "Facebook is bad" - the focus would be on fixing the mentality that makes someone attempt to flirt with and cheat with someone else within the marriage (and if it can't be fixed reasonably, advising to end the marriage). They may advise to not use the site and other things WHILE making progress, but that is only because they are in the process of fixing a mentality in itself; it's no different than telling an alcoholic to avoid going to bars for a period of time.
 H0wAboutIt
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 52
is this a valid request?
Posted: 10/3/2012 10:09:35 PM


Tell him yeah sure and then have it hidden so noone who is not your friend can search for you and see his reaction.


That's called playing games and stringing him along. His response when he blows up will be even worse the longer one waits. The goal should be to get out.
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