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Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Not getting past the first date.      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Robin.Doeve
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 1
Not getting past the first date.Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hi there, I'm sure this has happened to everyone before, but I'm just wondering:

I've gotten a few dates through here, and they all seem to have gone pretty well...or at least I thought so.
However, with all of them they all just disappear after the first date! Once or twice, I never really minded, but every single time? Every single time I've always been told how beautiful I am, and they go out of their ways to plan this amazing date, but I never hear from them again afterwards.

Am I doing something horribly wrong here? I'm just really curious to know, that's all. :)
 Maybe_Have_Some_Faith
Joined: 8/18/2012
Msg: 2
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/3/2012 9:39:28 PM
Lifes a **** and then again you could be meeting guys looking to get laid and since they didn't it's goodbye.
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 3
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/3/2012 9:40:50 PM
Without actually being there on the date to see how things transpired, it's difficult to say exactly what you MIGHT be doing "wrong", if anything.
However, to speculate, with you being 22 and highly attractive, it could be that the guys you are going out with are hoping/expecting to score with you right away, and, assuming that they aren't scoring and you let them know that they won't be, that could be their reason for passing on another date....thinking you will be too much work for their tastes.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 4
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/3/2012 9:46:31 PM
I have to wonder what sort of guys you are choosing to date if they all fade to black after a first date persumably without what they are looking for. I am guessing these are all guys who are your age and mostly looking to explore thier options and they probably have plenty of options with other women. You can read that as the cream of the crop most desirable guys you can find on here.

Be patient not all men are single minded you will eventually meet someone who wants more than what you are not offering on the first date.
 Robin.Doeve
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 5
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/3/2012 10:00:05 PM
[ quote ] Without actually being there on the date to see how things transpired, it's difficult to say exactly what you MIGHT be doing "wrong", if anything.
However, to speculate, with you being 22 and highly attractive, it could be that the guys you are going out with are hoping/expecting to score with you right away, and, assuming that they aren't scoring and you let them know that they won't be, that could be their reason for passing on another date....thinking you will be too much work for their tastes.

I have definitely speculated that with a few, but unfortunately that is simply not what I'm looking for.

[ quote ] I have to wonder what sort of guys you are choosing to date if they all fade to black after a first date persumably without what they are looking for. I am guessing these are all guys who are your age and mostly looking to explore thier option and they probably have plenty of options with other women. You can read that as the cream of the crop most desirable guys you can find on here.

Be patient no all men are single minded you will eventually meet someone who wants more than what you are not offering on the first date.

You're probably correct about that too, but I honestly wouldn't mind if someone confesses they are seeing multiple people. In fact, it would probably make my life a tiny bit easier! :)

But thank you for that, it has gotten me a little wary on going on dates again, but I suppose I shouldn't stop trying.
 H0wAboutIt
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 6
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/3/2012 10:02:13 PM


I've gotten a few dates through here, and they all seem to have gone pretty well...or at least I thought so.
However, with all of them they all just disappear after the first date! Once or twice, I never really minded, but every single time? Every single time I've always been told how beautiful I am, and they go out of their ways to plan this amazing date, but I never hear from them again afterwards.


Uhh the poster who said "you're highly attractive so chances are guys are just looking to score". Way off the mark, buddy. Looks aren't everything. Physical attraction is only 20% of the battle. 80% of it is personality and chemistry.

Now -- let's get to the heart of this:

The real question is what happens on this date. Are you being critical of these men? making demands? coming on too strong by talking about relationships/marriages/exes? Are you talking about sexual history? If so, then there is a good chance this is why...

Chemistry: Laughing? touching? good eye contact? conversation flowed smoothly without awkward breaks (versus healthy silence)? If a lot of this was absent then there you go..
 Robin.Doeve
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 7
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/3/2012 10:10:09 PM
You are very correct about the physical attraction, thank you for that!

And most definitely not to all of the above. Relationship talk of any sort (sexual history, marriage, exes) is something I never, ever reveal, and most definitely not on the first date. Also, upon meeting the first time, I am terribly indecisive so I don't think I'm demanding. As for critical, I can't really make judgments on someone I just met.

As for chemistry, I do laugh and hold eye contact a lot, though I never really touch because I keep to myself a lot. The conversation usually is good, I always get told I have a great sense of humor and whatnot.

Oh god, I think I have all the basics down, should I worry yet?
 Robin.Doeve
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 8
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/3/2012 10:19:40 PM
Of course you can ask!

Usually with body language, or facial expressions. Since I was young people had told me I had this "look" in my eyes that says it all. I try not to resort to physical contact too soon, but perhaps that is a mistake.
 beneboo
Joined: 6/8/2012
Msg: 9
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/3/2012 10:28:20 PM
^^^ No, don't resort to physical contact too soon just b/c you want a second date. If he's a gentleman, he won't expect anything on the first date, whether it be kissing, blowing, rubbing or f*cking. People who are worth waiting for will respect your boundaries and comfort.

Don't compromise your comfort zone for some guy you don't even know.
 Sailing78
Joined: 3/13/2011
Msg: 10
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/3/2012 10:47:55 PM

Also, upon meeting the first time, I am terribly indecisive so I don't think I'm demanding.


How terribly indecisive? For me, a person who can't express an opinion, make a decision, come up with a plan, etc is a turn-off.
 H0wAboutIt
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 11
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/4/2012 3:41:24 AM


You are very correct about the physical attraction, thank you for that!

And most definitely not to all of the above. Relationship talk of any sort (sexual history, marriage, exes) is something I never, ever reveal, and most definitely not on the first date. Also, upon meeting the first time, I am terribly indecisive so I don't think I'm demanding. As for critical, I can't really make judgments on someone I just met.

As for chemistry, I do laugh and hold eye contact a lot, though I never really touch because I keep to myself a lot. The conversation usually is good, I always get told I have a great sense of humor and whatnot.

Oh god, I think I have all the basics down, should I worry yet?



Sounds like you're doing everything right. "indecisive" - so there's a window for him to take the lead. Good.

Could it be the type of guys you're falling for?
 CaptainA.D
Joined: 6/10/2012
Msg: 12
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/4/2012 5:58:10 AM
The world of online dating is an interesting place. You can chat,email even talk on the phone with someone here, you still don't know that person until you actually meet them IRL. I've met some crazies before and now kinda weary bout this thing. This site should not be an only resort to meet others. Sometimes we have to suck it up and introduce overselves to people in person. Im still working on that, pretty gals intimidate me.
 grove_22
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 13
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/4/2012 6:48:02 AM
I will repeat what I mentioned in another thread about the same topic.

I think most of the time there isn't a second date. Even when the first date goes well. Some personal examples. A woman agrees to go out on a second date. Then cancels at the last minute. Another woman texts me after the first date saying "I had a great time". Yet when I called her the next day she didn't return my calls.

Sometimes the reason why there isn't a second date has very little or nothing to do with you. The other person may decide that they are not be ready for or available for a relationship. They were never seriously that interested in dating to begin with. They are married / in a relationship. They went out with someone else that they considered to be a little bit more attractive etc.

Also some people are impatient and/or have very high expectations. If there isn't instant "major fireworks" or you don't exactly match a "built up fantasy image" that they formed from the text /email / phone conversations, profile, and/or photos, they will quickly lose interest.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 14
view profile
History
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/4/2012 7:09:13 AM
OP, you do have a gorgeous face, but the one full body picture you have makes you look overweight. Many guys complain that the women they meet are heavier in person than they were led to believe.

Only you can know if this is a possibility.
 YAMACANMECRAZY
Joined: 9/7/2012
Msg: 15
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/4/2012 12:40:51 PM
OP you are kidding yourself if you think you have 'a look' that tells it all! Men are not mind readers. If you are interested tell him.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 16
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/4/2012 1:29:45 PM

I am not talking about giving the guy a blow job in the parking lot...

Sheesh--
Touching an arm or a knee,
or a good night kiss.


This is right on the money. If the girl that I am meeting with does not react to touch, I will simply assume she is not interested and more than likely there will not be a second date. Also, I usually see if she is kissing material. Again, if there's a rejection there. There will not be a second date.
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/4/2012 9:20:01 PM
Men don't keep their options open if they truly like a woman. And I think the OP looks just fine, but don't expect men in that age group to want to commit as it is rare.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 18
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/4/2012 10:15:25 PM
~OP~ I don't even like the comment I'm about to write, but I do feel it can and does happen (oddly.) I seriously doubt you're doing anything wrong. I'll bet your doing everything too right!! And that equals? Intimidation. Yep, I'll bet you're out and out intimidating to many men (and maybe even a few ladies.) There is something about a beautiful woman that can, and often times is, intimidating. I think you're gorgeous (and I don't mean that in some weird way, you look like someone my son would have been nutz over ) ~ and I'll bet that's thought quite often of you. Add the fact that you're likely very engaging in person and you just may have the recipe for the "i-factor" happening. When you finally meet a truly confident man (not one who simply pretends he is) you'll not have to wonder this anymore. JMO
 Robin.Doeve
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 19
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/4/2012 10:39:49 PM
Thank you so much everyone for your feedback, and verygreeneyez that was quite a lovely thing to say!

I suppose I do worry a little too much, it's all about having fun and if there is someone who truly wants to pursue me, great! Thanks everyone for getting a bit of insight, I truly appreciate it.

Just don't give up, I suppose :D
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 20
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/4/2012 11:12:28 PM
I don't agree with you Green Eyes - men don't pass on second dates with a woman because she looks sooooo good that they are intimidated. Men are more likely to be too intimidated by a woman's looks to ask her out in the first place. They are more likely to not ask a woman out for a for a second date if her attitude/personality/behaviour is so bad that she is no longer all that attractive or she is giving them no indication that she has any interest in them or because they think she might be a wack job and they are afraid she might go all Lorena Bobbitt on them if she had the chance.
 arwen52
Joined: 3/13/2008
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/4/2012 11:25:44 PM
I'm not meeting anyone that I *want* to have a second date with, so yes, it's happening to me, too, but I'm okay with it.
 Lionesse19
Joined: 3/30/2012
Msg: 22
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/5/2012 5:02:55 AM
If you really look like your pics then it is hard to believe that you are here on this site for a start and that you dont get second dates unless you are stating upfront you are not into sex until later in the relationship or some such. If you are having sex then that is all they wanted and if you are not into it, they are moving on perhaps. Do you speak for any length of time with these guys before meeting? On the phone in person? Guys on cyberspace sites are often just looking for the quick hook up.
 YAMACANMECRAZY
Joined: 9/7/2012
Msg: 23
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/8/2012 2:18:01 PM
if there is someone who truly wants to pursue me, great!


This is what you learned ??? Really - Let the men pursue me ? Well you are cute so as long as you have the goods you might as well. But don't complain about missed second dates when it's obviously not up to you.

And Dino is 1000% correct - No man will miss a SECOND date because a woman is too good.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 24
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/8/2012 2:59:16 PM

No man will miss a SECOND date because a woman is too good.

True.
----
Robin - The guys in your peer group are only a few years removed from being those kids that used to punch girls in the shoulder because they were confused about why they wanted to kiss girls when you could give them 'cooties'.

Guys in their early 20s are pretty much as awkward as teenagers, they just have alcohol now to make them feel like they ARE doing killer dance moves. The more handsome 'players' are hitting on women for 'status', and notches on a bedpost. "Long-term" means nothing aside from 'it's something that girls like to hear'.
----
My best guess is that is you are giving indicators that you are more serious about your relationships - either you don't want to have sex (which is a perfectly fine choice ) or you want THEM to commit to some sort of relationship. If they are amongst peers (out 'with the boys'), you will NEVER get them to admit to committing any such thing. Cut and run is common among plenty of guys not interested in anything meaningful. It all about a maturity level, and unfortunately online dating is full of immature people - of ALL ages.

Weeding out the bad guys is a skill you will develop over time - you shouldn't have to worry about guys approaching you, so it's going to be more about the first couple of conversations / interviews to find out what their level of maturity is at. Instead of just listening to their stories - challenge them - ask them opinion questions that makes them think about more than a two-second 'yes' or 'no' answer. Do that when they APPROACH you - before you give them a phone number or any type of date. Guys that are 'playing' will get flustered quickly. Saves a lot of wasted first dates.
 _gjetost
Joined: 8/23/2012
Msg: 25
Not getting past the first date.
Posted: 10/8/2012 3:00:51 PM

Without actually being there on the date to see how things transpired, it's difficult to say exactly what you MIGHT be doing "wrong", if anything.
However, to speculate, with you being 22 and highly attractive, it could be that the guys you are going out with are hoping/expecting to score with you right away, and, assuming that they aren't scoring and you let them know that they won't be, that could be their reason for passing on another date....


This answer from a previous poster seems a likely candidate. It well could be something else, but it does seem to be a pattern. On occasion, things happen-to everyone. But if it seems to be a large percentage of the time, then take a step back. As a check or sorts, you might consider asking a close friend of yours who knows how you come across to others to see if you are acting in a certain way or saying things in a manner which comes across of off putting to these guys. Listen to what they might say.

If not, then you might want to reconsider how you selecting these guys and work on that a little.

Hope things improve.
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