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 timeforall
Joined: 8/26/2012
Msg: 1
How many regret marrying their spousesPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I know that most of us divorced may, in retrospect, be bitter. But, I have read at least thirty to fifty percent of women out there had real doubts about marrying their husbands and may never have loved them to begin with:

(1) Did you ever regret marrying your spouse, and how many years into the marriage?
(2) Were you truly ever in love with your spouse, and how long till that love died?
(3) Would you choose a different partner if you could start all over again?
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 2
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 11:01:09 AM
(1) Did you ever regret marrying your spouse, and how many years into the marriage?
Overall, no. My marriage taught me a lot about myself and high lighted my strengths and my weaknesses. Following my divorce, I took time to think about the weaknesses and to recognize that had I been stronger in these areas, it likely would not have got as bad as a did. I don't regret marrying him although I know it was a complete mistake to have done so and I categorically knew it was an error about three years in.

(2) Were you truly ever in love with your spouse, and how long till that love died?
Hard to answer because he was not the man he presented as being. I don't mean he hid parts of his identity, I mean his entire identity was false.

(3) Would you choose a different partner if you could start all over again?
Isn't that what we are doing here ?
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 3
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 11:05:49 AM
1-no - 15yrs
2-yes-my love never died,, my wife did
3-no- but life tells me I have moved forward,,and I'm ready for someone new and exciting
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 4
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 11:13:53 AM
Yes a few years into the marriage. I was in love with him, but it was very different from my first marriage. He was a closed person pretty much a loner.

I would not change what I went through. We adopted a son together and I never felt he didn't love the son I already had. We had a daughter later which extended the marriage. I divorced him while we were adopting 2 more children and ended up adopting them on my own. Basically he thought the adoption would hold the marriage together.

I love my kids. They are the best kids in the world. They have good hearts and are very loving. Without the ex I would not have them so the 23 years was worth it.

I would not have married him if I had known the truth about him. Sex and attention dwindled after we were married. It was a lonely marriage.
 NCnavetG8r
Joined: 9/7/2012
Msg: 5
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How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 11:15:05 AM
Interesting question.

First wife, no. Wouldn't have my wonderful children if it hadn't been for her. She was one of the most selfish people I've ever known, but damn we made two brilliant and beautiful kids! I wouldn't trade them for anything, even the 7 years of misery. Yes I loved her very much, but I was one of those "love is blind" people and never wanted to admit to myself she was a taker. After the divorce, and some counseling, I finally realized just how miserable I'd been.

Second wife, without a doubt. Looking back, it was a mistake and done for all the wrong reasons. I cared a lot about her, in fact I'm pretty sure I loved her, but there were signs during our 2 years of dating and especially one huge red flag right before we got married that I should've known it was destined to fail. Should've walked away right then, and I probably would've walked away if it hadn't been literally the day before the wedding when I found out what I found out. Of course I'd probably be dead now because her lesbian girlfriend would've killed me for breaking her heart, but that's another story.

I'm not sure if that answers your chronological questions exactly, but it does answer the subject line question.

NC
 zippytwo
Joined: 6/7/2006
Msg: 6
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 11:38:53 AM
No, I don't regret marrying my ex. I did love him and it wasn't until about 25 years into our marriage I came to realize how selfish he was. People would point things out to me that he would do and I'd think, well, that's just him. I realize now my love for him started waning at about year 15. One night he was sitting across from me and I wondered who the heck he was. He had another life I wasn't a part of. We did nothing together. In almost 30 years of marriage we'd taken one vacation together. I started to see life beyond my kitchen. And it was pretty exciting.

If I hadn't married him I wouldn't have my children, and that would be a shame. My kids are great people. We were great parents together. It seemed once the children grew up and left home, there was this great void that we couldn't fill.

I've always wondered why once a lot of people get married, the relationship starts to slip. I guess there are a lot of reasons. I know people who lived together for 20 years, had their family, etc. Then decided to get married and 6 months later they break up. Why?

If I were starting all over again, which I am, of course I'd choose a different partner. Like someone else posted, isn't that why we're here on POF?
 softshoe100
Joined: 8/3/2011
Msg: 7
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How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 11:52:46 AM
Lots of regrets,not my children. The 2 biggest changes in life are when you have children and when they grow up and move out.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 8
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 11:54:04 AM
Tough questions. I sometimes wonder if I ever really loved my ex--I wasn't ever really attracted to him, so what I felt for him was definitely not "passionate" love.

It's a moot point, though, b/c whatever I felt early on quickly gave way to the realities of living with him. I do not regreat the marriage--it gave me three beautiful children whom I love with all my heart, right? So how could I regret that?

I don't even regret the time I spent in what I knew wasn't a good marriage--it wasn't a bad one, and I always find ways to be happy.

I'm happy now, too, so I do not regret divorcing him, either.

I guess I'm lucky to be adaptable.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 9
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 12:53:37 PM

Did you ever regret marrying your spouse, and how many years into the marriage?


First marriage was when I was 18, it lasted 10 years.
Did I regret it ... YES.
Two weeks after it happened I knew I made a HUGE mistake.
(My mom wanted me to marry the ministers son, and I wanted to please her. I was young a stupid.)
However ... I have 2 wonderful children from that relationship.

Second marriage was when I was 31, it lasted 20 years (till my divorce).
Did I regret it ... No.
That marriage happened WAY too fast.
I should have taken the time to figure out who I was before I jumped in again.
Again ... that netted me another wonderful son.
I learned A LOT in that relationship.


Were you truly ever in love with your spouse, and how long till that love died?


I never loved my first husband.
I did love my second husband.
It took a long time to fall out of love with him.
I needed to address my abandonment issues in order to do so.
As I said ... I learned A LOT about myself in that relationship.


Would you choose a different partner if you could start all over again?


If I had to do it again, I would not have married the first husband.
I would have waited until I figured out who I was.
And I would not have married the second husband either.
But I'd like to keep the kids.
They are amazing!

I would have waited until I met someone who was normal, and had no issues.
 1964armymom
Joined: 7/18/2012
Msg: 10
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How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 1:34:12 PM
(1) Did you ever regret marrying your spouse, and how many years into the marriage?
No, I do not. We had a good life together until the last few years. 17

(2) Were you truly ever in love with your spouse, and how long till that love died?
Yes, I did. And it was a slow death over several years. Broken trust, and his anger and bitterness. I still care about him, and hope he gets help. But I had to completely remove myself from his life for my own wellbeing.

(3) Would you choose a different partner if you could start all over again?
There are certain things I watch for. Any signs of anger/bitterness/selfishness.
I'd like to find someone different yes.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 11
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 1:55:06 PM
I do not regret marrying my husband at all. Something changed at the 10/11 year mark that we didn’t work through, and we got divorced. I wanted to work full time and he said I couldn’t. Simple as that. Lots of pain, but that was the issue that we split on.

I loved him and I suppose I still do to some extent. Our lives have taken different directions and we do not belong together any more.

Your last question is hard. I can’t think of anyone I would have rather married. I wish that HE had not opposed my working and had been supportive of it. Maybe he wishes I had not insisted on it and could have been happy being a stay at home wife and mom for the rest of my life. But, no I don’t know anyone who was overall better than he was.

Oops, I forgot marriage #2! Hahaha. Yeah, totally regret that. He was bipolar-I with psychotic features, and periodically violent, eventually involuntarily committed for a period by his business partners. I didn’t know until we got married because we had seen each other only every other weekend (custody schedules). I can count a gajillion mistakes I made in marrying him- all boiling down to haste. But it was a very short marriage, planning the separation and his moving out at about 6 months. I don’t even count that one because there was never a real marriage there. Bless him for teaching me to take my time!
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 12
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 5:56:05 PM
I don't regret marrying #1 and #2 at all. They're my kids' dads and yes, I loved them both. #3 I regret as one might regret getting a face tattoo while drunk ;) I liked his looks -- I was 43 and thought I was getting "old" and no one else would want me (boo hoo, poor me lol). He asked me to marry him, so I said yes. I didn't really love him and knew within 2 weeks I'd made a huge mistake. The sex was bad. He was extremely selfish and he was dumber than a stump.

As far as choosing a different person over my 3rd husband, in retrospect, I should have gotten some therapy for the self-esteem issues I had at the time and not taken that last trip down the aisle.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 13
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 10:35:01 PM
(1) Did you ever regret marrying your spouse, and how many years into the marriage?
I was married for 25 years before filing for divorce. Most of my marriage was good. I have no regrets about the marriage, but I do regret aspects of the divorce because of how it affected my sons.

(2) Were you truly ever in love with your spouse, and how long till that love died?
Yes, I loved my spouse...very deeply. We were best friends and fell asleep every night holding hands. When I would wake up, look beside me and say, "I choose you." And this went on for nearly 21 years...right up until the day he said to me, "I need to tell you something. I am gay and in love with someone else. HIS name is..." His being gay was not nearly as devastating as learning he loved someone else, but it was as if a switch had been flipped. That he had pursued a secret life was enough to kill the marriage. Still, we stayed married (but separated) for 4 more years while our sons finished high school and I did not date anyone until after I filed.

(3) Would you choose a different partner if you could start all over again?
Since I am divorced and my ex is gay, of course I will find a different partner when/if I start all over again. And will it be the same? No. But could it be better? Yes. Will it will last a lifetime? I hope so...but that is me, I am a hopeful romantic.
 mjinict
Joined: 8/13/2008
Msg: 14
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How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 10:49:09 PM
Wow, smart blonde. That's really sad. I'm wondering if he ever made comments about homosexuality during all the years of your marriage. Strange how he could be so close to you for so long but be gay.
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 15
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 11:04:15 PM
^^^Let's just say it explained a lot when he did come out. He came from a very strict upbringing...his family disowned him when he came out. Keeping that secret for as long as he did caused him to be depressed, have cluster headaches and ulcers...I am very glad that he finally came to terms with his orientation and I bear him no ill will because of it...I know what it cost him.
 Giggles10000
Joined: 6/17/2011
Msg: 16
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 11:22:47 PM
My gut reaction was to say...no... cause without the people in my life I wouldnt be who I am now and I like who I am.

However, I can say that I never really loved my first husband, I was dating him and found out my father was dying. I do have two great children, I wish he had been a better father to them cause they deserved so much more than he ever gave them but he was a better father to them than his had been to him.

I felt trapped in the marriage, he continued to do things to keep me trapped and it pretty much killed everything inside of me. We slept in separate beds the last five years, it was like walking around numb all the time. At the time I met him I was who he needed in his life, so to say I would chose differently would have made his life so much worse and I cant think that way. He had a troubled childhood and never really understood life, he wanted to put our kids and I on shelves versus allowing us to live but it was due to his own view of love as suffocating. I never doubted he loved me, he never dated another person after we broke up, he just had a selfish view of love, I was no longer a person, I was simply his wife. If something happened it wasnt that it happened to me--it happened to his wife and that upset him.

My second husband was so perfect in so many ways, we just knew what to do to make the other person happy, but when our infant daughter died 45 minutes after being born and his 34 year old sister 6 months later, the damage from his childhood of abuse resulting in him trying to kill himself and being diagnosed as bi-polar. Hate for everything was what he chose to cling to then, he was angry about it and used the things that happened as an excuse to keep from getting healthy, he preferred the misery in so many ways...I don't think the love died, it just wasnt safe to be with him, he made life choices to continue to do things that in a state of manic resulted in the destruction of our lives, I had two kids, I almost died from cancer and had no desire to spent the rest of my life trying to keep out of the gutter, I told him I was going away from the edge and building strong roots so that if something bad happen I didnt get swept over the edge again and he had a choice to either make a life with me there or one on his own...he chose not to get well.

No cause I feel that so much good came out of all that bad...Im happy with my life. I am happy with who I am. I have peace and so many have such wonderful lives and hate everything about it.
 _shakti_
Joined: 7/5/2011
Msg: 17
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/6/2012 11:48:14 PM
I've never been married, despite being asked twice and having another bf say that that is what he was leading toward with me. And no, I don't regret it.
 aussiesealady
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 18
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/7/2012 2:10:39 PM
I loved being married and certainly do not regret marrying him.
He was and is a lovely man.

If I had my time again would I marry him? Absolutely. We had some great times.

Interestingly he certainly is not my preferred 'type'.
Never has been nor have I ever been his 'type'

He is now with a woman who is his 'type'.

If he turned up at my door asking for assistance would I give it to him.
Absolutely.

Would I want him back. No.
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 19
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How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/7/2012 3:20:58 PM

(1) Did you ever regret marrying your spouse, and how many years into the marriage?

1st spouse: Yes, and no. We had 2 beautiful children, so NO in that regard...I don't regret having them, but I said "I do" knowing that I was not in love with him....and knowing that he probably was not in love with me either. We were both 19. He couldn't afford to go out on his own....and I "wasn't allowed" to be out on my own unless it was with a Husband...or an "adult relative". Alas....I was a "nice girl"....and "nice girls" did NOT leave their parents home to get apartments of their own....or live with girlfriends. My family had actually "chosen" a husband for me, but I escaped...narrowly...having to marry a man almost twice my age who because he was financially well off, and frankly....could deal with my IQ. (Intelligent women were highly frowned upon in the 1960s)
2nd spouse: Yes, I think I was in love with him....but honestly...I'm not sure. I was divorced with 2 children....had hopes of having more children...and he was not only a good father....he was a good father who had custody of his 10 yr old son....which was nearly unheard of in the 1970s. We were married for 25 years.....but I remember telling him when he asked me what I wanted for our 10th Wedding Anniversary....I replied..."A divorce???" He thought I was joking. We're still best friends, NO intimacy.....but I wouldn't pretend that what we ever had was really a "marriage"...it was more of a "business partnership".

LOL! Did you bump your head??? Yes, I'd certainly choose a different partner.....but I still don't think I'd ever do it all over again. Some people are just NOT cut out to "be married"....and I'm pretty sure that I'm one of them....no reflection on men.....I just don't play the role of "wife/child" well...and that's essentially what marriage is all about.
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 20
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/7/2012 3:52:27 PM
As a widow(25 yr marriage),and coming from a family where all but one are still with their first spouse(and th one who isn't was widowed before she was 21!) I can't speak to regret...

But I have to make the observation that if 30-50% of "women out there" regret marrying their spouses, that leaves from 50% to 70% that DON'T regret it.

What is it you are trying to "prove"-OP? Or perhaps better wording would be "what are you trying to convince yourself of?
Are you trying to somehow comfort yourself by positing that a significant number of women marry men they don't love? Are we including cultures where arranged marriages are still fairly common?

Why in the world are you trying to find out how many women "regret" marrying their husbands, how many had serious doubts about marrying their husbands,how many "may have never loved(their husbands) to begin with"?
Are you trying to convince yourself that your ex never loved you, that you are somehow a "victim" of social customs and conventions? Have you recently experienced a rejection that you believe was based more on external circumstances,rather than face up to the idea that a woman just wasn't interested(or lost interest) in you?
Are you eying a woman who has a spouse and trying to convince yourself that it's somehow OK to pursue her because so many women (supposedly) don't love their husbands?
Let me make this observation. Marriage-as it says right in the religious marriage ceremony-is not an estate to be entered into lightly. I would certainly HOPE that people give VERY careful consideration to the depth of committment they are making when they marry!
I also realize that my response is not exactly in the format you wanted, but I do not think it is "off the topic". I'm curious about the motivation BEHIND your questions.
Cindy O
 WeebitRusty
Joined: 9/25/2012
Msg: 21
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/7/2012 4:52:40 PM
^^^^ Bang on Cindy, my thoughts exactly. OP will be using this for fodder for future posts. Someone is not happy with their lot in life and needs to blame someone...women. I've seen this in the OP's other posts.

We all made choices, all of us. Some of our choices worked out well, others not so much. But wanting to lay blame on a gender is somehow immature, pointess and pathetic.
 timeforall
Joined: 8/26/2012
Msg: 22
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/7/2012 4:59:30 PM
For those who freely shared, thank you. For those who used this thread as one more opportunity to bash the male gender, you may want to do some research in this area. Those statistics I cited were not made up in a vacuum. The facts are many women have doubts about the guys they marry before they marry them, many of them never in love to begin with. Everybody has their own reason why they got married when they did anyway.
 oskiesmom
Joined: 4/27/2012
Msg: 23
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How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/7/2012 5:48:50 PM
1) Did you ever regret marrying your spouse, and how many years into the marriage?
Yes. I was too young and too immature. I found out that I really didn't know him until his family started moving down here. The marriage lasted for about 7 years; I was over the drugs, the booze, and his family members taking advantage of us.

(2) Were you truly ever in love with your spouse, and how long till that love died?
I don't think I truly loved him; I thought I did, but when we split, I was happy again almost immediately.

(3) Would you choose a different partner if you could start all over again?
Absolutely.
 WeebitRusty
Joined: 9/25/2012
Msg: 24
How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/7/2012 5:51:08 PM
I don't think this was in any way a thread bashing the male gender. I think any woman that posted on here also realizes that she contributed to her divorce/divorces - it's not all one sided. They may not want to admit that on here, but I'm sure those that are divorced know full well what part they played in the demise of their relationship.

I'm sure many men didn't marry for love either or had doubts, or just plain married for the wrong reasons. It's sad to think that this is happening today as well as yesterday and days gone by. I guess the thing to do is learn from it and not carry the crap into another relationship making the same mistake again and again.

As for using this thread to bash men, this coming from someone who finds women his age dowdy, wrinkled and just plain old looking....I find that odd.

As to the original question, I married because I loved him. It lasted 30 years and other than a few ups and downs that every normal long term relationship has - I wouldn't change a thing.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 25
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How many regret marrying their spouses
Posted: 10/7/2012 6:22:31 PM
I've been married twice and regret both. I regret most choices in my life so I take responsibility for that.
First marriage I was 18, much too young to have married. First year was wonderful though and I have many good memories. Marriage lasted 5 years and last 2 were horrible.
Second marriage never should have happened and was bad from the start. It lasted 10 years but produced 3 wonderful children.
Not sure I was ever in love with either man. I came from a very dysfunctional childhood and spent my whole life looking for someone to love me.I wish them no harm no matter how bad the marriages were and hope they feel the same.
I admire and envy people who got it right. I was always envious of people who knew they loved their spouse, it was so hard for me to know, to not question.
I have tried to start over with totally different partners yet I'm still single. Sometimes what looks different is exactly the same.
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