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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating      Home login  
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 Tryns
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 1
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at datingPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I'm the kind a guy that wears his heart on his sleeve. That's probably a good thing when you're in a committed relationship with someone however my issue is early on when you're first getting to know someone.

For example, I started chatting with someone a few weeks ago and we just had our first date last night. She is EXACTLY what I've been looking for in a match for a long time. We really hit it off, we talked, we laughed, we found out we had even more in common than we thought, we were a little touchy feely w/each other (hand holding that sort of thing) and the night ended with us kissing for a bit before we called it a night.

Here's my problem. I don't want to freak her out by trying to push things too fast or come on to strong...but it's hard because we have such great chemistry.

So how does a guy like me who is a "wear your heart on your sleeve" kinda dude keep from screwing this thing up? We've already set up another date for tomorrow night and I really want to make sure I don't do/say something stupid that would make her uncomfortable or feel pressured to make things "exclusive" or anything like that, but sometimes my mouth engages before my brain has time to process the consequences of what I'm saying!
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 2
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Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 11:59:44 AM
Either she likes you as you are or she doesn't, the only way to screw it up is to ask how to act like someone else and try to fool her. If you are both yourselves and are attracted to each other things will work out, if things weed you two apart, then it wasn't a match. You are asking for some magic formula that doesn't exist. People could tell you how to play games and make moves to get laid, etc., but if in the end what you really want is a good match, then be honest, open and if it doesn't work out don't go bashing & blaming, just except that it's harder than it looks to find a good match.
 Outsideofthebox1
Joined: 8/18/2012
Msg: 3
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 12:07:05 PM
Well man, wearing your heart on your sleeve and acting a fool are 2 totally diff things.. Behave with your heart on your sleeve, but use your logic when expressing yourself.
 Tryns
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 4
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 12:10:36 PM

People could tell you how to play games and make moves to get laid, etc.,


Yeah I'm not really looking for a hook-up here.....I'm looking for a serious relationship.


Behave with your heart on your sleeve, but use your logic when expressing yourself.


Intellectually I completely understand this and tell myself that over and over.....it works sometimes....at other times not so much.
 JustMary65
Joined: 5/26/2008
Msg: 5
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 12:21:55 PM
Best advice I can think of is just go on the date and enjoy her company---don't play anything out in your head---just go and have fun.

When you over engineer anything it becomes a problem---just savor the moment until the next date and so on. Take this time to get to know her and let her know you. It's not a race to the finish line----take a deep breath, smile and enjoy.
 ShelbySask4friend1
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 6
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 12:32:48 PM
You have already made your first two mistakes , by doubting yourself and posting here for advice...
I think if the first date went over as well as you said, I do not think you will have a problem.. 2 weeks and 2nd date, I would maybe relax with the exclusive talk, or pressure, though if she is right for you , she will feel the same way...
 Tryns
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 7
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 12:38:43 PM

doubting yourself


Yeah I think you hit on something here. I do kind of think she is a bit out of my league which has sort of caused this weird anxiety thing I have going.
 NCnavetG8r
Joined: 9/7/2012
Msg: 8
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Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 1:06:45 PM
Just be yourself. I don't know why you think this lady may be "out of your league", but remember, she agreed to the first date, and now a 2nd date. Apparently she doesn't feel you're "out of her league".


but I suck at dating


Tell me about it! It's been 7 years since my ex and I split up. I feel so clumsy at this dating thing, and constantly afraid I'm going to say or do something wrong. ugggggg!
 Tryns
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 9
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 1:08:33 PM

You're an executive and you're used to being someone's boss, if you want something done you're used to snapping your fingers and having other people do it. If you have a graduate degree normally that means you have a higher intellect and think faster than many people around you as you patiently wait for them to catch up. You want this to be THE chick, but...


You should have your own show....you kind of hit the nail on the head with that. In fact one of the most common phrases from my ex was "I'm not one of your employees". It is difficult at times to move from boss mode to non-boss mode especially when in stressful situations. This is something I've worked on since my divorce. It's funny, all the qualities that can make you successful in business are often the qualities that can quickly doom a relationship.
 Outsideofthebox1
Joined: 8/18/2012
Msg: 10
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 1:12:38 PM
Just step back and look in, just as you're about to let something spill out that might be emotionally ahead of the situation? Look in, and examine it all... you'll see if its right. if the timing doesnt line up? Breathe instead...
 _Meta_Man_
Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 11
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 1:13:23 PM
you are looking at it the wrong with with the out of your league thing. You think very highly of her but you don't think very highly of yourself...therefore she's out of your league. Stop vomiting on yourself. You better just focus on you, how you feel and what you are doing. Don't worry about her just go and enjoy her and be honest with her. And don't look to her to pump up your ego that's going to blow things up in the end.

Honestly man I'm right now trying to figure this last one out myself....don't sleep with her but turn her on so she knows you have it in you to make her wiggle. If you really like her then sleeping together is just both of you trying to control an outcome and get somewhere that doesn't really exist. Relax and take your time....but don't let her think you are a lightweight either make sure she knows you are hot as hell for her but you also want to build something with her. Good luck!
 pescando75
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 12
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 1:17:19 PM
"Out of your league" is an excuse to give yourself an "out" and avoid rejection.
Stop playing self-psychologist and just go out and have a good time.
 Archangel_07
Joined: 6/21/2010
Msg: 13
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 1:27:17 PM
Don't play it cool. If you do, you're lying to yourself and you are lying to her as well. Just be you, you don't have to go flashing, flexing, showing off, rich. When a genuine female likes you, she likes you for who. Not for your bank account and not for the car you're driving, not even the big house that she wants someday. Maybe the gold diggers may use you for that but genuine females like a man for who he is.
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 14
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 1:46:42 PM
OP,, forget playing it cool what ever that means,,, All I can suggest is be yourself,, as now is not the time nor is it anytime to change your personality,, Follow the flow of the conversation,, your a guy,, you will pick up the clues if your new girl is interested,,

As the night goes on,, assuming your in a somewhat quite pub,, intimate setting,,You might want to say,, what your looking for in a woman,, and ask her what she is looking for in a man,,,You might find that you agree or disagree,, but the point is,, it is a topic,,as well as you will get to learn about her and her you,, BUT never be what she wants you to be,,just be yourself..and what I men by that,, don't agree if things aren't true about you just to get on her good side,, because in the end,, all will fail,, good luck,,
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 15
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 1:51:59 PM
Try not giving a f vck.

Let it rip, let it be. Eventually she is going to have to like you for who you are. And by playing this cool bu ll sh it, if she likes you, it would be not you but this thing. But also, she may not like you because all she is seeing is some fake, version of you.

Go have a good time, and if both of you make fools of yourself. Then you're into something.
 Quasimodo11543
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 16
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 1:53:32 PM
Just date the girl and be yourself. Whatever happens, happens. Fearing failure is the worst thing you can do. Moving in too fast will freak most people out and rightfully so. This is currently infatuation, use your head and just play it by ear.
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 17
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Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 4:17:17 PM
You're thinking way too far ahead. You don't control how things go or if a relationship will DEVELOP or not. Don't think in those terms. Yeah I know you have that tingly feelings, which are good, but can make you trip up by being too overwhelming so I think that's what you mean by playing it cool.

You need to think of this as someone you enjoy spending time with. PERIOD, right now that's what it is, you don't know what it may be next week or in two months. All you can do is be in the moment, in other words think in the present, not in the future any further than looking forward to spending time with her again. That's it, don't let the tape in your head try to fast forward.

I've had more than a few guys that get gaga over me right off, they call a lot, and when I've met them they're just all over me. All of this makes me uncomfortable, they are WAY too familiar when to me they're a few emails and phone calls above a complete stranger. I cut it as short as possible and leave and never meet up with them again. But that's just me, however I think it makes most women uncomfortable when the guys do that.

I think you just have to take it as it comes with this lady, and try to read her body language, if she's enjoying herself and feels comfortable, then great. Then you can plan on going out again....then again. When you're with her, totally focus on getting to know her, fully enjoy every minute you spend with her and don't entertain any other thoughts, like I can't wait for her to meet my parents, I'd love to take her to the company Christmas party.....and so on. I can usually tell if someone's really into having a pleasant conversation with me or is playing a tape in his head and is somewhat distracted.

I'd enjoy it, take it for what it is, and know that you don't know or have control over what happens next.

I hope that helps! I think you sound like a great guy.

Oh..and don't tell yourself you suck at dating! That's self-defeating and you don't want it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Quash any negative thoughts you don't want to set yourself up for a sucky experience!
 larissan04
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 18
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 4:44:22 PM
Why don't you treat her like the women that you don't really like? Think about it, we humans all seem to have the same dilemma. If we like someone, they don't like us back, and if we don't really like someone they won't leave us alone. Lol! So, why not treat her the way you would treat a girl that you aren't all that into? Don't take things so seriously right now. Just try to have fun and don't talk about marriage, babies, or life insurance. Let things happen naturally instead of tying to push things to go the way you want them to go. Don't call her all the time, and above all else, don't try to monopolize all of her time. You should have your own life and not make her the center of yours.
 Dare to
Joined: 2/11/2009
Msg: 19
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 7:03:22 PM

I've had more than a few guys that get gaga over me right off, they call a lot, and when I've met them they're just all over me. All of this makes me uncomfortable, they are WAY too familiar when to me they're a few emails and phone calls above a complete stranger. I cut it as short as possible and leave and never meet up with them again. But that's just me, however I think it makes most women uncomfortable when the guys do that.
Yep.. Me too.. He could be the nicest guy on the planet.. But if he's all over me from the get go and planning out our life together after the second date then he'd scare me to death... I'd also have thoughts like "If he can fall for me this quickly without even knowing me, he doesn't really care who i am.. He just wants "someone".
 m8t
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 20
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 7:11:44 PM
When its right you both know; when its wrong everyone knows.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 21
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 8:15:16 PM

Why don't you treat her like the women that you don't really like?


Right on the money!
 pene69
Joined: 1/21/2010
Msg: 22
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Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/8/2012 10:23:54 PM
NO, NO ,NO!!! DO NOT TREAT HER LIKE YOU DON'T LIKE HER, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF SHE PLAYED YOU OFF LIKE THAT?? She already said yes, and you eben have a 2nd date, so she obviously lokes you, so just go with the flow, and see how things go, you never know, this might turn out to be a wonderful thing you two got here =) GOOD LUCK, AND BEST WISHES FOR YOU BOTH!!
 onewayoranuther
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 23
Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/9/2012 2:55:20 AM
I am having the same issue OP (different but the same fears about opening my mouth) but I guess you really just need to take it slow. Make sure she is what you want before making any hard core decisions.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 24
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Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/9/2012 4:14:33 AM
You're freaking yourself out because you're getting way ahead of yourself, idealizing her and getting wrapped up in fantasies.

It's been one date, so you don't even know the woman.

Keep your feet on the ground, stay in the moment, and focus on being and having fun on your second date.
 pamela19555
Joined: 8/21/2009
Msg: 25
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Trying to play it cool.....but I suck at dating
Posted: 10/9/2012 4:48:54 AM
Just be honest with her, tell her "you where your heart on your sleeve " and if you get to pushy too fast or come on to strong...for her to let you know, then she should be comfortable telling you to slow down or if she's comfortable with the pace to proceed happily. To pushy and to strong can come off as needy instead of enthusiastic, so be careful on that note....sounds like a great start.....good luck !!!
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