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 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 1
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Did I ruin a good thing?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
A guy approached me to chat on POF months ago and we began to talk on the phone, then met in person. Although it said on his profile that he was just looking for friends, he said that he was open to a relationship. Ever since we first met, we had chemistry. When he kissed me after our first date, he said that he just couldn't help himself, it felt so natural, and it did to me as well. Seeing as though we lived just over an hour away from each other, and I have a daughter I retain custody over half the time, we only met every other weekend for dates, but talked/texted about every other day for months. After about three months, things became a bit hot and heavy while making out in his car and he asked me to a hotel. I refused, and later told him that I do not have sex with anyone outside of a relationship. He explained that he was not ready for that, and I told him that was fine. However, two and a half months later, he was still saying things like, "I don't want to be alone with you because we might have sex, and I don't want to confuse things." However, he was still taking me out, we were having a great time, and he insisted on paying for everything even though I offered. Then one night he had to end our conversation because he had plans with his son, but said he would text me the next day. He didn't text me for four days! At that point I realized he wasn't even close to liking me enough for a commitment, so I ended things, and thought I could be friends with him. Eventually it came out in conversation how much I missed him, and he expressed in detail how much he missed me. However, I still got the impression he wanted to stay in dating limbo. This was months ago, we haven't spoken since, and I can't stop thinking about it. What was so wrong with making me his girlfriend if he cared about me? He said it was the distance, but I don't see the big deal. I have been taking it real personal, feeling like he didn't think I was good enough, but should I? Is this typical of divorced men? Should I have waited longer?
 cozykitten
Joined: 9/1/2010
Msg: 2
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Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 5:44:16 PM
If it was meant to be, it will be. No I don't think you ruined a good thing, that's obvious when he didn't want to commit. I'm glad you stuck by what you wanted. Women need to do that more. Know what you want and don't go back on it.
 OOhMeeOhhMy
Joined: 9/17/2007
Msg: 3
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Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 5:49:27 PM
I am not sure how it is a good thing if it wasn't what you wanted??? you had chemistry with someone who just wants to date... you want a relationship... move on... it is ok to like and want someone and not be with them.... you have to do what is going to work for you....
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 4
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Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 5:52:08 PM
"After about three months, things became a bit hot and heavy while making out in his car and he asked me to a hotel. I refused, and later told him that I do not have sex with anyone outside of a relationship. He explained that he was not ready for that, and I told him that was fine."

Where's the good thing? You are not on the same page, he was clear about what he wants, you were clear about your boundaries. When you compromise yourself because of, well for any reason, you'll regret it. He's not ready for a relationship, he's ready for a hotel key....that's a good thing?? You know otherwise, don't second guess yourself. You shouldn't give him a second thought, honestly.
 _Meta_Man_
Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 5
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 5:52:18 PM
the guy cared about you and about himself. He never lied to you and didn't really play you. You made a good choice with him and I am sure you grew and learned a lot even if it hurts. Sometimes things don't work out. You don't really know what's going on with him you have to let go of that.

you should not take it personal though and beat yourself up about it. We all have a tough time with this but if you internalize failed attempts in ways you shouldn't you are going to end up shooting down the successful ones you want. You did not fail in this one at all. You picked a good guy to take a chance on be grateful!
 bucsgirl
Joined: 5/13/2006
Msg: 6
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Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 5:52:32 PM
ugh...slow computer
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 7
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 5:53:11 PM
Nobody can get inside the head of this fella for you. You didn't do anything wrong to set your boundaries and stick to them. However, he ALSO didn't do anything wrong to hold you at arms' length. That's essentially the same as respecting your boundaries, so don't worry.

When people back off on you like that, it doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong with you (or even with the other person). At a bare minimum it does mean the other person wasn't ready to make the next level of entanglement, and that's okay because you just can't ask somebody to give more of themselves that they aren't willing to give freely.... although it does seem he had a lot of mixed feelings about it.


because he had plans with his son, but said he would text me the next day. He didn't text me for four days! At that point I realized he wasn't even close to liking me enough for a commitment, so I ended things

He could have merely forgotten. People with lil' kids are busy. Besides, as you have informed us, he already told you that he wasn't ready for a commitment so WTH are you even talking about with the big realization?? You seem *maybe* a lil' too quick to assume the worst. You ended it in a big huff, or you just ended it?


he was still saying things like, "I don't want to be alone with you because we might have sex, and I don't want to confuse things."

I don't know the context of these statements. Was he volunteering the information or was it an answer to one of your questions?

His divorce may or may not have been a factor.


vvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
EDIT

That statement was in response to my suggestion that we watch a movie at his place, which we had done once before, no sex, but a lot of making out. He insisted on taking me out instead, paying for both dinner and mini golf.

Well then, I will say that you shouldn't be doing a lot of making out with a guy if you have no intention of getting into bed with him. It's almost cruel!!!


My issue is that all the other guys I have gone out with on here are so quick to want to have sex and it's a huge turn off for me. This guy actually wanted to take me out, get to know me, and have fun. I found it wonderfully refreshing. I haven't experienced that since before my daughter was born six years ago. That's what bothers me most

Oh I see. Well that sucks but things turn out that way sometimes. Chin up there will be other nice people out there and you will find them.
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 8
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Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 6:04:19 PM
That statement was in response to my suggestion that we watch a movie at his place, which we had done once before, no sex, but a lot of making out. He insisted on taking me out instead, paying for both dinner and mini golf.

My issue is that all the other guys I have gone out with on here are so quick to want to have sex and it's a huge turn off for me. This guy actually wanted to take me out, get to know me, and have fun. I found it wonderfully refreshing. I haven't experienced that since before my daughter was born six years ago. That's what bothers me most.
 SpittyKitty
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 9
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 6:04:56 PM
It's nice to know that there are decent people out there. Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean that either of you were deficient or wrong. Both of you were respectful. It's too bad you live so far away from each other.
This is a pitfall of dating long distance. I wish you both the best.
 NCnavetG8r
Joined: 9/7/2012
Msg: 10
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Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 6:06:37 PM
First off, and hour is not that big of a deal. For crying out loud, I drove over an hour to work and then over an hour back home, 5 and 6 days a week for almost 4 years. So that's an excuse, not a legitimate reason. Being divorced is really irrelevant. This sounds more like he's just not emotionally ready to enter a relationship with someone yet. Which I find odd since it sounds like you two actually do already have a relationship. You just haven't verbally acknowledged it. If you require a formal commitment of some kind before allowing sex into the relationship, that is 100% your right. And it's also 100% within his right to not commit to a relationship he's not emotionally ready for. But, like I said, it sounds like you actually already have a relationship, maybe he's just scared to admit it? Have you two talked candidly about what a relationship is to each of you? I mean there's several definitions of a relationship.

What this all sounds like to me is, you want a commitment from him, he isn't ready yet, but you're both dying to hop in the sack because you both find each other sexually irresistible. If this is the case, I kind of admire the guy for being honest with you and sticking to his guns. I mean he could be a jerk and lie to you and say he wants to be committed to you just to get in your pants. From reading these forums, it sounds like that's what you get from the majority of guys here on POF.

I'd say your choices are:
1) Get over him because he's not ready for a committed relationship.
2) Change your mind about requiring a commitment, call him and bang his brains out.
3) If you can't change your mind about requiring the commitment and you REALLY like the guy, let him know you're willing to be patient with him. AND REALLY be patient with him. Although no one here on the forums can tell you when he'll be emotionally free for you, so that's asking for a lot of patience on your part.
 Mzee184
Joined: 4/16/2012
Msg: 11
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Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 6:23:49 PM
No you did not ruin a good thing. You probably would have just led yourself on if you kept seeing him. It is good both of you were clear about what you wanted and what your boundaries were. More people need to do that.
 Maybe_Have_Some_Faith
Joined: 8/18/2012
Msg: 12
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 6:50:18 PM
Well if you consider seeing a guy who lived an hour away once every two weeks who didn't want to make the commitment you wanted a good thing then yes you ruined a good thing.
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 13
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Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 6:56:46 PM
Thanks, although we never really talked about the definition of a relationship, I think my best bet is option number one. Even though he mentioned the distance was an issue, I got the feeling he was scarred to commit because of his divorce. He told me that his ex-wife was the only person he had a serious relationship with, and she had problems that didn't surface until after they were married. He didn't say so, but I got the feeling he associated negative things with being in a relationship due to this experience. I don't know if he'll ever get over that, as much as I wish he would. :-(
 moutainbreeze
Joined: 10/19/2011
Msg: 14
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/8/2012 7:14:23 PM
he was very clear, he wanted you for sex. He said openly that he did not want to be alone with you because he intended it to lead to sex. You continued to refuse to be his free mastur.bation doll. So he found a woman that would hook up with him for sex. He just does not want to go out alone. You are a convenience, nothing more. When you would not ride his ego both literally and figuratively, he got bored and moved on to easier prey. Sounds like a sociopath to me. Be glad you got away. Now have enough common sense to stay away.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 15
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/11/2012 12:06:17 PM
He is just in a different place. Many divorced men don't want to be in relationship. He wants his cake. Stand your ground if you want a commitment.
 uarealoser
Joined: 9/5/2012
Msg: 16
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/11/2012 12:28:14 PM

Although it said on his profile that he was just looking for friends, he said that he was open to a relationship.

A profile is not like the side of a Cheerio's box.
There is no guarantee what is on the outside packaging is contained in the box.


When he kissed me after our first date, he said that he just couldn't help himself

If you think about it, that's a really stupid thing to say.
But if you positively respond to it, then it indicates that you are interested in him, and most especially interested in something physically intimate with him. You've just let him know you are open to sex. After that it's just a matter of "when."

Sometimes people don't know what to say but they have to say something.
It could have been worse.
It could have been "well...that sucked."


What was so wrong with making me his girlfriend if he cared about me?

He wanted you to want to have sex with him, have sex with him, take responsibility for it, and then go away.
Not to mention, no one can make you their girlfriend. That is totally up to you to act like a girlfriend, how you define it. And the purpose of dating up to that point is to communicate what your definition of girlfriend is, so he knows how to understand what you are doing, and what it means to you.


Is this typical of divorced men?

This is typical of dating online. Based on the OP, from either your or his perspective.


Should I have waited longer?

It's really arbitrary.
The same result would have occurred.
 JDC1993
Joined: 7/14/2012
Msg: 17
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/11/2012 2:48:24 PM
He wasnt looking to get into a relationship.
He might have liked you but he also wanted to keep his options open.
 RUNisFUN
Joined: 9/14/2012
Msg: 18
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/11/2012 4:26:35 PM

My issue is that all the other guys I have gone out with on here are so quick to want to have sex and it's a huge turn off for me.
It happens. If they treat you well and respect you as a person, then they won't rush to have sex. If they want to start a relationship, they probably won't even date you from the beginning. The men who don't mind starting with a relationship with you...are the ones you might not be interested in.


This guy actually wanted to take me out, get to know me, and have fun.
Some men have their own strategies to get women. They portray like they are interested in you but won't commit unless they are with a woman worth committing.

It is smart that you set your boundaries early.
 H0wAboutIt
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 19
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/11/2012 6:25:59 PM


we only met every other weekend for dates, but talked/texted about every other day for months.

This was actually a good thing..absence makes the heart grow fonder...




However, he was still taking me out, we were having a great time, and he insisted on paying for everything even though I offered.

What's the problem?


<div class="quote">
Then one night he had to end our conversation because he had plans with his son, but said he would text me the next day. He didn't text me for four days!

Four days isn't that long. You could have waited....But, let's be real..whether you want to admit or not you didn't dump him because of the four days. You dumped him because you couldn't wait for him to commit...resentment and confusion was building up over time.

Here's the deal: You rushed things with a guy who has commitment issues ..who also rushed things (sexually).. more than likely the refusal that night in the car damaged his ego and made him weary of commitment. It's your body and you have a right to say no. But, unless it was for religious reasons and you're waiting until marriage (in which there would be that understanding) ..which is ideal... You didn't say you weren't active..you told him you're open to it when there is commitment...(difference)..You did have the dude wait wait three months... most guys would think you weren't all that interested or had some other hustle going on elsewhere........All you said was if you make me yours, I'll give you some.. so his interest dropped too

You both should have waited and taken things a lot slower..
 boaterguy7
Joined: 5/24/2011
Msg: 20
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/11/2012 7:31:25 PM
You never ruin something by standing by your principles. Never.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 21
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/11/2012 8:04:46 PM
Maybe he had no desire to commit because you have a child, and he doesn't want to play daddy to a kid that's not his, and most people know if there's kids involved, the guy/woman is at the bottom of the priority list. That means it would never work out anyway.
 TantricJedi
Joined: 2/22/2012
Msg: 22
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/11/2012 8:51:04 PM
Your vagina ain't no holy grail either.
 Lilbitofsugaandspice
Joined: 6/30/2011
Msg: 23
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/11/2012 9:35:37 PM
[Maybe he had no desire to commit because you have a child, and he doesn't want to play daddy to a kid that's not his, and most people know if there's kids involved, the guy/woman is at the bottom of the priority list. That means it would never work out anyway.]

If he had a problem with a lady with kids, then why would he date her? Sounds like he put her at the bottom of his priorities himself, was not her doing.
 callme_names
Joined: 9/3/2012
Msg: 24
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Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/11/2012 10:06:15 PM

After about three months, things became a bit hot and heavy while making out in his car


???
You are making out in his car after 3 MONTHS of dating and you don't think you had anything going on?
How long does it take for women to realize, they "may be" in a relationship? 15 years?
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 25
Did I ruin a good thing?
Posted: 10/11/2012 10:16:18 PM

What was so wrong with making me his girlfriend if he cared about me?


what's so wrong with having sex with the guy that you really liked and felt great with ??


He said it was the distance, but I don't see the big deal.
'

well, there's the answer to your question...


distance can be a killer.... heck... i don't know how far in the boonies you live OP... but if I take a woman as a gf... i wanna actually spend time with her,,,, on the weekends and even during the week...
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