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 Teabone3
Joined: 4/27/2012
Msg: 1
Help with RelationshipPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
So my girlfriend cheated on me 3 days after valentines day. By cheating I mean dancing with a guy and making out. She at first told me about it when i felt off about her. She told me she had danced with a guy. I told her it had to be more then just dancing for her to tell me that she danced with a guy and felt guilty about it. She then opened up to saying they had kissed. I didnt ask if it went any farther than that and she didnt say it did.

I instantly forgave her though it really hurt me to be honest... I noticed that she still eyes guys infront of me, generally people much taller and such. She had once told me she only dates taller guys. She's 5 10.5

Recently she had dumped in the beginning of summer, saying she felt thats what I wanted. Which to me was completely out of no where since i felt things were going fine. We soon after agreed to continue dating though it wasn't official for the longest time. I asked why she broke up with me she maintained she felt its what i wanted and also added that she doesn't plan to get married anytime soon and isn't in for anything as serious as such. Though i never once stated thats what i was looking for anytime soon.

She also has girls nights out quite often, which generally involves her male friends. I started having guys nights out but we dont invite our female friends to them.

I have to also admit that there is a big age gap, she is much younger.

What should I be expecting from a relationship like this? I can tell shes still looking for the attention from other males because she will make an effort to look at guys of her general interest to make sure they have noticed her.

I'm not controling in the sightest.. not even jealous type either. If I was I would have left her the day she cheated. I just want to know... is there a future in a relationship like this?
 onewayoranuther
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 2
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 12:01:10 AM
You are not her boyfriend. She is not in a relationship with you.

She is your girlfriend. You are in a relationship with her.

You are her squishy

I just want to pet you.
 1uniqueblend
Joined: 8/29/2009
Msg: 3
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 12:58:12 AM
Dump her before things get worse.

I imagine you probably thought of one or more of these possibilities:
1. She doesn't really care about you for whatever reason, but hasn't found a way to shake you. (obviously dumping you wasn't enough).
2. She's probably done more than just kiss a guy, but doesn't want to tell you (so she'd rather avoid it, & essentially get away with it, by dumping you).
3. Maybe she's trying to give you an excuse to dump her (i.e. "girls nights out quite often"), but you haven't picked up on it.

Regardless of whatever you may have speculated about this, the trust is obviously gone. Find someone else who you can trust. Good luck.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 4
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Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 12:58:51 AM

What should I be expecting from a relationship like this?


More of the same. Yes, of course there is a future in it. It's not a remotely enjoyable future, but there is one.

Since it bothers you that you are only really a close friend of hers and nothing more,it would be logical for you to set aside any thoughts you've had about this being serious. If you want commitment, you have to ask for it,and when you don't get it, you have to move on to another person,until you do get it.
 0ldhag
Joined: 1/8/2012
Msg: 5
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 1:48:03 AM
Why would you want a relationship like this, is my question?

Who cares if it will last or not (althought probably not), but why wouldn't you want a loving relationship where both parties are interested in only each other? Or where there is enough repect for each other that you don't cheat? Or that she doesn't dump you out of no where for stupid reasons?

Why would you settle for a relationship that you have to question?

There is nothing real in any of that. Go out and find a girl who truely loves you and who doesn't play games..
 amohsin8
Joined: 9/6/2012
Msg: 6
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 2:17:45 AM
No, there's no future. She's clearly not invested in the relationship. I'd dump her like yesterday's newspaper. You should have ended the relationship as soon as she admitted to cheating. You're still relatively young, don't waste the last years of your twenties on someone who doesn't really love you. You deserve better.
 RUNisFUN
Joined: 9/14/2012
Msg: 7
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 3:13:58 AM
Sorry to say this but...your gf is the wrong girl for you. If she was to do the right thing, she would break up with you to seek someone else. Instead, she went ahead and kissed another guy while being in a relationship with you. That is a red flag bigger than the state of Colorado. Not sure if you saw that coming but she obviously did not view you as a potential in her eyes. No need to be upset and no need to be mad. Just leave her alone from now on. If you want to add a closure, tell her it's not going to work and you have to go your own ways.
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 3:20:34 AM
She is not ready to settle for one guy.

PERIOD.

Young and pretty..Shes is shopping around.

You do the same.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 9
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 3:21:34 AM

I have to also admit that there is a big age gap, she is much younger.
Much younger is subjective but as you are 27, for me, much younger would be 18-22. I am sure you can understand that 18-22 is not an age where people are committing to one another and settling down, generally speaking.
Whatever age she is, think back to when you and your friends were her age. Chances are you didn't know who you were as an individual then, let alone what you wanted out of life. You might have thought in some naive way that you knew it all and had it all planned but over the last 5 years or so, you likely realize and accept that what you thought you wanted was a long way from reality.
She's a young woman still. She's learning about herself, changing rapidly as she learns more about herself and adjusting her moral compass so rather than it being based purely on the logic ingrained by her upbringing, it is now being tweaked by her personal experiences - good or bad.
You are a little further along in that self-discovery process than she is. Approaching 30 you might be looking to settle in a relationship and have a better understanding of loyalty, commitment and compromise. Quite simply, she's still at the beginning of that path.
I think you are looking for a relationship but she's not so sure. She likes the concept and she likely cares about you but she's not fully convinced that, if she settles with you, that she hasn't missed out on someone or something better. She's of an age where she'll get lots of attention based on how she looks vs who she is, and she quite enjoys that, hence her checking out other men. Likewise, she wants to feel like the young woman she is and have time out with her friends away from the watchful eye of her parents (and you) who expect her to behave in a certain manner which perhaps she's not quite ready to, all of the time.
In my opinion, she's just not ready for the level of commitment you would like her to give. That's not necessarily her fault in the way one could expect from a woman approaching her 30's. it's simply immaturity. And although she might understand what is required in an exclusive committed relationship, it's one thing to know it and another thing to live it before you are fully ready.
Is there a future in this relationship ? That depends. It depends on how close she is to understanding that she needs to make a decision in terms of wanting the relationship or wanting more freedom to explore her option. It depends on whether you are willing to let her continue to discover who she is knowing that you might not like the answer. It depends on if her cheating was a one off for some sort of internal validation which she's now got and won't need again. And it depends on if this incident snapped her into focus and realize what she has with you or if it was fun and exciting despite the guilt. It also to an extent depends on her reasons for telling you - did she do that to transfer her guilt onto your more mature shoulders in order to escape having to deal with the consequences of her actions by handing the decision making to you or did she tell you because she really wants to ensure that you know she regrets it and didn't want this to bite your relationship in the butt, later down the line.
In your position, you have to decide what you are willing to accept from her and what you are not. And in understanding that she is not at the level of maturity and commitment that you are, you need to consider if you think the risk of continuing with her is worthwhile.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 10
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Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 5:21:31 AM


. I just want to know... is there a future in a relationship like this?


From what you say... I feel there is not, unless there becomes some tragic turn of events in her life
where she needs and wants rescuing. In normal situation this girl is not someone you will have a good future
with... and in the event tragic situation unfolds, she will just use you until she can come out of her situation.

If smething tragic happens to YOU, she will be gone. She is not girlfriend material... she is maybe not going to be for a longgggg time, if ever.
Move on and save yourself the problems and drama.
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 11
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Posted: 10/12/2012 6:06:56 AM
bah, you guys are just FB's, enjoy the sex but don't expect her to be faithful or to be your "girlfriend"

Realize she has you on the back burner...

Enjoy it for what it is or move on and find a true girlfriend...
 jrzygirl43
Joined: 9/6/2012
Msg: 12
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 6:21:52 AM
You are the only one in this relationship...she knows she can dump you and get you back when she wants...just move on she's not the one and doesn't see you a more then just a FWB. She cheated once, she'll do it again.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 13
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 7:37:57 AM
The writing is on the wall. Maybe you should get some glasses.
 sexandthepof
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 14
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Posted: 10/12/2012 7:57:56 AM
Why would you like to have a relationship with someone who does not like one with you? She even told you she only dates taller guys. Maybe at the moment she cannot find any taller one to be with, so she just stays with you off and on, so she would not feel lonely, until she finds one who is taller. For some people looks and height are important. It's just their preference. You cannot blame them.

I don't really know how tall you are, I don't take what people say in their profile, but you are young and handsome, and from what you say in your profile you have a good job and have a good heart, what are you worrying about? Leave her, move on. Find someone who is shorter than you. There are plenty of girls who are 5'3 to 5'6 and beautiful and have good heart who knows. They will be comfortable with you because you're taller than them. It may sound vane, but it is true most girls want taller guys. What can you do? Just find shorter girl, then you don't feel bad that you are shorter than her.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 15
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Posted: 10/12/2012 8:48:15 AM
She's telling you very clearly that she wants to be single.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 16
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 9:41:44 AM
I'm not controling in the sightest.. not even jealous type either. If I was I would have left her the day she cheated. I just want to know... is there a future in a relationship like this?


I don't think you can call it a relationship until you've had the exclusivity talk with her and you've both agreed not to see other people. From what you've told us, it doesn't appear that she's committed to you.

Continue to see her casually on her terms if you want to---however, if I were in your position, I'd cut her loose completely and start dating other girls closer to your own age.
 Arata_na_Yoake
Joined: 1/25/2012
Msg: 17
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 10:24:04 AM
This relationship seems to be lacking, in every sense of the word. Break up with her now and save yourself from a bigger (and eventual) heartbreak later. Best of luck man.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 18
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 10:34:01 AM
I get a kick out of how people label me a dating 'doormat' because I drive drunk female friends home from the bar without getting (or expecting to get ) any. This dude has footprints and skid marks all OVER his back.

Dude, you got no future with this chick - both of you need to grow up a lot - move on.
 pescando75
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 19
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 10:53:45 AM
She had guilt about sleeping with someone else and broke it off with you as a result is how I'm "reading between the lines." I doubt it was a dance and a kiss if she felt guilty about it. And you instantly forgave without even knowing what you were forgiving. Get away from her. Doesn't sound like your self esteem is that great and I doubt this young thang is going to help matters in that department. Plus, being young isn't the time for long term committed relationships. She wants to sow the wild oats a bit, sounds like. You want a relationship. Two different places.
 AnnB72
Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 20
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 11:00:17 AM

You are not her boyfriend. She is not in a relationship with you.

She is your girlfriend. You are in a relationship with her.


I agree with this. ^^^
You are Mr. Right Now, and although she may be trying to be with you, it's quite clear her mind is elsewhere and she hasn't the maturity or experience yet to make a coherent decision about commitment.
 tararp
Joined: 10/7/2012
Msg: 21
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 2:36:12 PM
The age gap is probably the biggest problem. People are in different stages of life at different ages. She is not done with the thrill of other men giving her attention and looking at her,which is something younger girls absolutely crave. I'm guessing shes in her early 20s?? I suggest moving on finding someone worth while.
 MetalVixxn
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 22
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Posted: 10/12/2012 4:17:51 PM
She doesn't care about you - at all.
And breaking up with someone when they cheat on you does not make you jealous - it means you have self-respect. I suggest you get some.
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 23
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Posted: 10/12/2012 5:46:13 PM

bah, you guys are just FB's, enjoy the sex but don't expect her to be faithful or to be your "girlfriend"

Realize she has you on the back burner...

Enjoy it for what it is


This works if you keep your feelings check , but since it hurt you when she told you ... little late ..!
better get out
 greenIsis777
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 24
Help with Relationship
Posted: 10/12/2012 5:57:07 PM
sounds to me like she's not ready for the type of relationship you want.
 RedDelPaPa
Joined: 5/21/2011
Msg: 25
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Posted: 10/12/2012 7:03:00 PM
My advice would be this. Obviously, you still like her. So, silence is golden. Don't tell her a damn thing. Not a word. Next time you see her at the end of your meeting, just smile, turn away, and disappear. Let her have herself a good alone night in the near future wondering what happened to you. Politely disappearing will make her think you've moved on to bigger and better things and that you're having more fun now than you were with her. She won't like that. It will eat at her at least a little bit.
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