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 AUTHOR
illness and forming relationshipsPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Hi All,

Any advice would be appreciated.

I have had various health issues, mainly a kidney transplant, but for the last few years I have been fit and health, and an active guy, and unless your naked with me or I tell you, your just wouldn't know!!! Its described as hided disability.

Despite this I believe I'm fairly sane, I have a good job, well educated and live in a nice area. Before I was ill I never had a problem meeting women and forming relationships with them. Being ill was a real a knock to my confidence, but mostly recovered. I know how to talk to women and can read the signals, but my illness has been a real put off when it comes to forming a relationship, something I expected, but I did't see it being a issue for so many women.

My biggest dilemma, is when to tell a girl about my health issues!!!

I have tried being up front, tell them on a first date, but that usually scares her off. Not a big surprise!!!

I have tried putting it off till a third date when things were going well, but that has ended with them getting an emergency phone call, or pretending that it wasn't an issue, (but there eyes usually give it away), then ignoring the text/phone call.

And I have tried not telling them until we got back to her/my house for the first time and have then been accused of not being honest.

Really not sure what to do anymore, these are not one off incidence, I have been on a 14 dates in the 16 months where something like this has happen and its really starting to effect my confidence!!!
illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 3:12:40 AM


My biggest dilemma, is when to tell a girl about my health issues!!!


Unless you think she has romantic intentions Never.
You can't know that in 3 dates imo.



If you're fit and healthy now and all's ok, why would you need to tell someone so soon? I appreciate that you've been through a lot, but, unless this defines WHO you are, then I wouldn't tell someone until you're further in to a relationship. For me, personally, it wouldn't make a jot of difference, but I am wondering why you feel the need to be so 'honest' so soon?

^^^^^^^^^^^

How is that even relevant to now ( just dating) if you are indeed healthy?

Which in my opinion that picture of you is not the picture of fitness and health..Posing with beer at a bar and you have /had health/kidney issues would TOTALLY turn me off.

illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 3:26:42 AM
Well peppermint, I have talked to my doctor he doesn't see me drink as problem, as long as its not excessive, and just like everyone else I need to let off a little steam every now and then. But thanks for the confidence boosting comment really appreciated!!!
illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 3:42:13 AM

Well peppermint, I have talked to my doctor he doesn't see me drink as problem

^^^^^^^^

Then you need a new doctor imo.

Don't pose with booze or * whatever *if you don't partake in it a lot.

Your picture speaks a thousand words.

I thought my point of view could be helpful, but keep on doing what you are doing if thats working for you.
 flaneur001
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 5
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illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 4:54:10 AM
OP,

I'm not sure I fully understand - do you have any post illness health issues? If not I don't think you really need to say anything.

I have had kidney issues since childhood culminating in numerous surgeries. I have a scar from my right hip to my left hip and another scar over my right kidney. I have one functional kidney. I have zero health issues. The only time these issues come up is when someone sees my scars and asks about them. It has never been a dating/relationship dealbreaker.

If you have on-going health issues or mortality issues then the women you date have the choice to not go down that road.

Also, you may think it's your kidney issue that is turning women away. It could be like many of us on dates, it's just not a good fit/match for various other reasons.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 6
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illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 5:05:33 AM
If you are in fact fit and healthy, then you are not disabled... your issues more of your making or an excuse than reality if in fact your fit and healthy.

If you health problems involve issues where you cannot do normal things, then you are in fact not fit and heaklthy... take one side or the other.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 6/8/2011
Msg: 7
illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 5:11:43 AM
I'm thinking the same as the other comments. If you aren't on dialysis now, how is it something that affects your dating life? You'll probably get a good ten years (is that correct?) out of that kidney, so I don't see how it needs to affect your dating and forming relationships.

For now, no one needs to know unless you want to share it or these other healthy issues you mentioned are obvious and affect things. So you get intimate, so she sees a scar, so you say you had a kidney transplant. It's no biggie unless you are looking at marriage. It's a big deal in your life to have a new kidney ... I have a friend who went through this, so I understand all that comes before and will come after, but just date and have fun and enjoy this new freedom. Relationships are going to be much shorter than the functional life of that kidney, so don't worry about the what if's and the future. Those things will fall in place when and if the time comes with which ever particular girl you happen to be dating at that time.

Get out there and enjoy your dialysis free life :)
 irish_smackie
Joined: 3/13/2012
Msg: 8
illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 5:54:19 AM

Hi, No dont tell them on the first date anytime after the third is OK but before you make a move on her. Have you tried dating women with disabilities? you would be on an equal footing then.


I agree with this post. In reading some of the other responses, I'm not sure everyone is aware of the long-term implications of a kidney transplant, but I think it IS important you allow women you date the opportunity to make an informed choice before they (or you!) are deeply invested.
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 9
illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 6:36:21 AM
Unless there is some behaviour you feel the need to 'excuse' with the background of your illness, I see no reason in telling anyone until much time has passed. It would come across as lame to me if some guy told me within 3 dates that he felt the need to tell me about some illness that he has long since healed from...I mean if you can drink in moderation, then why are you feeling the need to discuss this?

I know what a life changing event does to soemone, and when I discuss those moments in my life, it is when people are talking about life changing moments, needing inspiration or talking about the will to survive...it isnt something I lean in close and tell any jack or jill I meet? Too much too soon would be my thoughts. Or Id think he was trying to win me over with sympathy.

Just take what happened and carry the life lessons you got from it close to your heart. If it made you appreciate life...well, then appreciate life! No need to tell everyone you meet all about it right away.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 10
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illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 6:57:57 AM
OP
If you had a kidney transplant, I would think your concerns would lie not so much in that your handicapped...
but in the medication you take to prevent rejection and the issues with that... and immune system,
possibility of disease, namely STD's both coming in and going out.
I would not consider you handicapped, but some real issues with meds you take to prevent rejection
of transplanted organ...

drink? are you crazy?
why would you do that or anything that had the possibility to effect your kidneys?
geeeeesh
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 6/8/2011
Msg: 12
illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 8:46:48 AM
pheonix_55:

Omg ... I would be tracing and kissing that scar idly on a regular bases if it represented something that saved my love one's life, that give me the time I had with that person.

X sounds like a mean, nasty ***hole.

Blessing to the new boyfriend for taking some of that away, and I'm glad you met him.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 13
illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 11:58:11 AM
I am at a loss as to why a kidney transplant is considered a health issue?

I have no spleen, no appendix and no tonsils ... is that also a health issue?

Can someone enlighten me?
 ARTSYLADEEEE
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 14
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illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 12:24:48 PM
Why are you dating such shallow women? You have healed and moved on, no brainer. So there's a scar, everybody has something, scars or invisible issues, none of us is perfect.
 ARTSYLADEEEE
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 15
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illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 12:46:58 PM
The real question your partner should be concerned about is whether or not it is contagious. Kidney failure is not.
 ARTSYLADEEEE
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 16
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illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 1:05:31 PM

I'm more concerned about the women on here with mental issues


Obviously in your eyes this is exclusively a female thing. No woman was ever shot or beaten to death by a mental man, were they?
 ladyc4
Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 17
illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 1:21:12 PM
OP
If you are not experiencing any significant limitations,if it isn't expected to interfere with your ability to function and/or the expected length of your life, I don't see why it even has to be brought up until you are dating someone toward something serious.

LOL-transplant? I have TWO brains, and quite frequently one is lost and the other is out looking for it. I've been this way since childhood and it has never stood in the way of romance...
Cindy O
 moraima
Joined: 6/26/2005
Msg: 18
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illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 2:34:26 PM
"I have tried being up front, tell them on a first date, but that usually scares her off. Not a big surprise!!!"

Are you sure the women aren't just looking for an excuse not to have a second date.

Did you make it sounds scary, or did you tell it just as you did in OP?

I personally was very sick when I was mid 20's. It was never an issue for me. I didn't harp on it. Just went on living my life. In fact it made me stronger. I have know many people in a similar position to you OP. Never once have I heard any of these people say if scared people away.

On a first date, if people tell horror stories about their ex, they likely aren't getting a second date.

On a first date, if people tell horror stores about their health issues, they likely aren't getting a second date.
 ARTSYLADEEEE
Joined: 9/7/2011
Msg: 19
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illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/12/2012 2:45:33 PM
Good point Moraima. How much detail did the op get into when telling her about it? Some people are turned off by people who obsess over health. Not saying they are right or wrong, since they prbably don't know the extent of what the op went through, but there are some people who obsess over their health, many times over minor issues.
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 6/8/2011
Msg: 20
illness and forming relationships
Posted: 10/23/2012 10:06:49 AM
U make it entertaining:

I'm sure others closer to the situation could add more, but for my friend, there were side effects with her daily anti-rejection medication and the kidney started to fail again after 10 years, which starts a life style of in home or dialysis at a center, waiting for another transplant, and all kinds of other issues. Just dialysis at home was difficult for her because she had to be home every 4 hours to do it, or pack up and take all of the equipment with her and find the most sterile place to do it. There's a port in your belly ... all kinds of inconvenient aspects for the person to deal with, but of course, when it's keeping you alive, it just beomes a way of life.
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