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 venomac1
Joined: 8/11/2011
Msg: 4
Help - Custody IssuePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I would say if there is no safety issues involved let the child make the choice. If you force him to live with you and he wants to be with his dad he will only end up resenting you. My son chose to live with me as soon as I got my own place after my Divorce, my daughter just recently moved in with me full-time. I know it has broken my Ex's heart so I encourage my children to go spend a couple nights a week with their mom, if they choose to it is up to them, neither me or the Ex force them into spending time with one or the other. To be honest, the Ex has spent more time with them since they both came to live with me than before, they go out to dinner with her more and shopping trips and such. I can just give them a more stable living environment right now(she works A LOT), I cook them supper in evenings and they have more normal life like before the divorce.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 8
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Help - Custody Issue
Posted: 10/16/2012 7:10:28 PM

Honest answer, if you get divorced your kids will never see you in the same light or trust you the same way again, I was one of those kids and I'm about to become one of those parents.

This might be YOUR experience, but it is not the experience of everyone touched by divorce.


When there is an absence of danger to the child, and isn't to the detriment of the child; the only reason a parent would insist on having primary control of the child is for purely selfish reasons that has nothing to do with the kid and everything to do with the parent's BS issues.

Ok.. I had to think about this because my first response was to call BS on it. Now, ignoring the fact my ex was physically abusive towards our oldest child, and over the years been emotionally and mentally cruel to him, the reason I got full custody is because my ex spends about 50% of his time travelling due to his chosen career. My #1 NEEDS stability and consistency due to medical needs, and being shuffled back and forth wouldn't have worked for him. Not to mention that when my marriage ended I moved back across the country to where I'd grown up and to where I had family and friends to help support me and mine during that time. I had nothing in the city we'd been living in... no home, no job, no friends or family. It was far more important for the spawn that we be somewhere safe for all of us, and I don't mean safe in the sense that we were in danger either.


As a young male matures he needs the bonding experience of a strong and responsible male to emulate. You can do research on this (there's a lot) to show how important it is for a young male to have his father close in his life.

The "responsible male" doesn't have to be the child's father... sorry. My ex is not a good role model and the lessons he'd teach would be ones not worth learning. He has a way of brainwashing them on insignificant crap, I can't imagine what it would be like on the important stuff.


It really doesn't have anything to do with you and everything to do with the male offspring's desire to model themselves after the father. This is quite natural.

Mine do not wish to emulate their father. He is full of conspiracy theories and they just laugh at him.
 greenIsis777
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 11
Help - Custody Issue
Posted: 10/26/2012 12:39:39 PM

Although, it is not legal for him to decide this,


It kind of is, I live in canada and have a 13 year old with the exact same agreed custody arrangement as you. If you go to court or even mediation the judge will talk to tour 14 year old and pretty much let him decide where he wants to be, short of his dad being an unfit parent.

If it were me and my son said this I'd say 'go ahead.' then I'd think 'ok, even though your dad cooks you meat and I give you tempeh and soymilk - your dad has you doing chores all the time and lays around and watches golf non-stop and has grouchy fits with you out of nowhere.... ok let's see how long that lasts!' It wouldn't last very long. I think you'd be surprised how fast your son would probably return, though it may take 1 or 3 or even 6 months.

and may I ask what the difference is if things have always been 50/50? Isn't he still going to be spending the same amount of time at each house anyway? and think about this... do you want him to build up resentment toward you for the next 2 years until he is able to legally make his own decision and then move? sometimes as parents we just have to swallow our pride and trust our kids
 karenl0523
Joined: 5/16/2007
Msg: 12
Help - Custody Issue
Posted: 11/2/2012 10:57:58 PM
My son was never really threw this , but I am single mom and the dad eventually disappeared on his visitation , so eventually I mean the child knows what he wants and who he wants to be with , keep the faith it will work out ok , just hang in there , kids are pretty smart to :)my son has not seen his dad in 2 years and he is 16 years old to .
 hamster55
Joined: 12/4/2011
Msg: 13
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Help - Custody Issue
Posted: 11/13/2012 8:56:16 PM
Hi I am a single dad with joint custody, but I am the primary (girl 12 and boy 8). The kids live with me. and only see her 3 out of 4 weekends. So this is the problem, kids don't want to live in 2 homes cause first of all its tiring, confusing, and it makes them feel diferent. Kids are best served by being in one home to live, because then they have one set of rules, and one way to be brought up. This is the bigest problem I have, and even though they only see mom 6 days a month, its still very confusing for them, and even harder on me in trying to raise them. We ere 50/50 at one point but it it was worse for them. But I give mom complete access any and all times. Good luck.
 letshavefun28217
Joined: 5/28/2012
Msg: 14
Help - Custody Issue
Posted: 11/14/2012 4:47:00 PM
always sole custody until they reach 18 or the money stops
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 15
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Help - Custody Issue
Posted: 11/14/2012 8:08:50 PM
God people create their own problems. The kids live in the same neighborhood regardless of whose house they happen to be staying at. I don't blame the kid for hating the going back and forth because it would drive me crazy as an adult.

Your son is 10, he wants to spend more time with his dad. If you were in any way worried about the kids being with their dad I presume you would have fought for sole custody to limit his time with the kids as much as you could.

I would also recommend trying two weeks on two weeks off because the back and forth would be reduced but here's the thing.

The younger child is 10, the older they get the less time they are going to spend with their parents so one way or the other you will need to adjust the relationship you have with your kid. My daughter's 1100 miles away at school and I talk to her so much I feel like she's still here.

Look back at your posts, you behave as if he is going to take the kid halfway across the country and you're never going to see him again. This is only a problem if you make it one. By even wasting time thinking about whether he had this idea himself or it came from his dad is buying trouble. And again, you need to focus on this isn't that big a deal and you aren't in any way losing your child if you change your situation to two on two off or even if he is at his dad's weekdays and your place on the weekends.

The latter you might find would actually be better for your relationship with your son because you would get him during fun time and dad would have him when he has to get to school and all that fun as hell parenting stuff.
 letshavefun28217
Joined: 5/28/2012
Msg: 17
Help - Custody Issue
Posted: 12/11/2012 9:22:43 PM
that statement was how i feel but rather how woen tend to play the game. most do everything to alienate the husband until it is time to pay for college etc. and fyi i paiid till my oldest was 23 yrs old to help pay for college. when she was close to graduation i found out she had been on a free ride the entire time. tell me her mom didnt put her up to this.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 19
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Help - Custody Issue
Posted: 12/16/2012 3:48:53 PM
Having been the stepmother and in the middle who gives a F? If the other person is trying to manipulate, so what? I would love to go back and not pay attention to anything my stepson's mother did other than when I needed to pick the kid up. Don't waste your time worrying about your ex's motives. The guy above, if you wanted your kid to be taken care of and she was, who gives a crap what your ex was up to, no one put a gun to your head.

Your ex's motivations don't mean anything, you can't control it, you can only control what you have in front of you and thinking about the ex in these terms is counter-productive and only drains your energy and makes you angry.
 ohwhynot46
Joined: 6/28/2009
Msg: 20
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Help - Custody Issue
Posted: 12/16/2012 6:57:51 PM

that statement was how i feel but rather how woen tend to play the game. most do everything to alienate the husband until it is time to pay for college etc. and fyi i paiid till my oldest was 23 yrs old to help pay for college. when she was close to graduation i found out she had been on a free ride the entire time. tell me her mom didnt put her up to this.


You are certainly entitled to feel as you do, but your statement is that that is how women play the game. Really? Ridiculous! Do you also believe that men play the game of spouting off how cs is meant to cover ALL expenses? Of course they don't, but lousy men who need to excuse their lack of parental responsibility do, in numbers at least equal to the women you decribe. To assume that her mother "put her up to" accepting monies for college whilst receiving funding completely ignores all the additional costs of college (moving in, traveling back & forth to home, classroom supplies, etc.) in addition to ignoring that an 18 yr old does not need to be "put up to" anything at all. Were your daughter able to bank some of the monies you provided during her college years, well, good for her, and I fail to see why you would deny her this opportunity you were able to provide.

Far too often it is the bitterness toward the ex that prevents one from doing/accepting that the results were indeed for the child.
 Quadbravo
Joined: 3/16/2012
Msg: 21
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Help - Custody Issue
Posted: 12/24/2012 6:12:42 AM
He's just a boy that wants time with his dad. He never saw the drinking problem as you did and you cannot expect him to. Give him the freedom he wants and he will respect you much more. I have three children and all returned to me full time as their mother sought to shut down any visitation with me. It will backfire if you hold on so tight it hurts. Imagine going back and forth yourself. It sucks. You know it does. Just leave the schedule open and he will come over when he wants, not when the clock strikes some absurd time. This is eventually what happened with us and three children. Granular times and schedules are just too demanding. We would just call once a week or so. No pressure. Let him call the shots for a while and see how it goes. It's not like he's going to stop talking to you. You made your preferences known when you filed. He is now making his known at an early age. If you shut him down now, I assure you he will get his say someday and it might be worse. Let it go and just be flexible. It also sounds like you're down and stressed which is additive to his potential rejection of you. That's not good and I don't think you're seeing that. No one likes to chat with people if they are in a bad mood, pensive or stressed. Try to joke a little with him and hug him when you can. Make cookies for him. Certain things moms do cannot be done by dads and vice versa. Do what you do best and be content with that. He is a boy and needs a father's influence more as he grows. That's normal. Likewise with your daughter spending more time with you. Dad isn't a cheerleader and probably doesn't like shopping. Relax a bit on this and just assure him you love him....no matter what.
 Quadbravo
Joined: 3/16/2012
Msg: 22
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Help - Custody Issue
Posted: 12/24/2012 6:15:58 AM
Oh, and btw, I would never take your children to a therapist unless they were amenable to that. In every case I know, and I know more than 4 families who did this, it made matters much worse. Most kids are tired of talking about it and focusing on this horrific hurt. Going to a therapist continues a focus on a negative that everyone wants to forget. Live a good life and spend you time doing constructive things.
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