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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Backing off without scaring him off completely?      Home login  
Joined: 8/18/2012
Msg: 4
Backing off without scaring him off completely?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Did he at least give you a reason why he can't commit?

Was it the "I'm still married even though it's over but I'm still waiting for the paperwork excuse ?"

Do you even know his version of why he is separated ?

Do you know not being available because of his marriage is baggage ?

Do you know you are so wonderfully polite ?

Do you know you and Michael McIntyre could be twins ?
Joined: 8/18/2012
Msg: 6
Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/16/2012 2:08:21 AM

but he said she found our POF messages and went mad

If he still lives with her that might have happened though it's doubtful. i can't imagine he's stupid enough to stay signed in or leave his password lying around. If he is that stupid it might be best if you used small words when talking with him LOL

Honestly why would she care if she was seeing someone else.

If he doesn't live with her I'd say he's outright lying and i think you should move on.

Nothing that made much sense to me

You couldn't absorb it because you were reeling or you couldn't absorb it because he told the story badly ?

Maybe i just keep meeting the wrong types, or maybe God has something else in store for me :)

You're the best judge whether the others you dated were the wrong type and of course you're right they were since you no longer date any of them.

I thought you were non-relgious?
Joined: 12/16/2010
Msg: 9
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Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/16/2012 6:40:04 AM
I'm a little confused as to why you think so little of yourself that you would participate in a relationship with a married man. You have all the answers. You can see that you are being used and yet, you want to know whether you should still contact him. Simply amazing.

Here's a little summary:

1. I met a guy on here over 2 months ago.
2. He's separated but has no baggage. (Every human alive has baggage or they've somehow lived in a bubble.)
3. Two weeks into courtship he lets you know the two of you have clicked so fast but he's not ready to commit.
(translation--- he gives you a compliment plus dangles the possibility of a relationship with him if only he were able to commit--- poor fellow, he's a "victim" in all this)
4. He sees you a fortnight or about every two weeks ( he can manage sneaking away from his wife a couple of times a month without raising too much suspicion--- why? because they are not really separated)
5. His wife is with another man & yet, she becomes jealous and angry when she sees emails between the two of you. (Ask yourself, "does this seem logical?" She saw the emails because they live together as husband & wife. Convenient how she is painted as the villain isn't it?)
6. He can't get a divorce because of financial reasons. (Hmmm, guess he had to switch his story & supply an excuse to ensure that he could still use you without you wanting the relationship to proceed as it normally would between two people who are actually available -- meaning two people who are single, not just separated. Separated means still married.) I'll just bet you've never been to his home -- that's because his wife lives there.

This man is probably shaking his head in wonder that he can get what he wants from you, that you believe the lies he manufactures PLUS even though you are an intelligent young woman, you choose to ignore just how lopsided this whole thing is.

Question: What could you possibly get out of this long-term?
Answer: Heartache, low self-esteem, & the knowledge that you made it possible for this man to cheat on his wife.
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 10
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Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/16/2012 6:40:46 AM
OP, your title of this thread confuses me. According to you, this man has told you that he isnt interested in something serious and he calls you when it is convenient for him, so why are you worried about scaring away a guy that isnt really interested? I think you need to be real honest with yourself here and recognize what is really going on here, you are a convenience for him at this stage nothing more, nothing less. Dont fool yourself into thinking that you will be able to make him jealous, he isnt that invested in you to be jealous. I have to ask, have you slept with him?
Joined: 9/9/2007
Msg: 11
Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/16/2012 6:43:13 AM

I found out he wasnt actually getting divorced due to "financial reasons"

So he's obviously staying married for awhile. Personally, I don't want to date a married man. I want someone who is available to commit to me and legally marry me when/if we decide to, not "Oh, we have to wait while I file for divorce." It's possible that the divorce is delayed because of financial reasons, it does happen quite a bit these days. But there are some red flags for me that seem like he has no intentions of getting divorced and he is just cheating on his wife:
* "my wife got my POF password and saw our emails"--my POF account gets logged out within a few minutes. Sometimes when I go to reply to a post, I get logged out and have to copy my post and log back in before I can paste it and post it. So I'm not buying that she was able to get into his messages, unless he walked away from his computer and she jumped on it immediately. And why would he allow her to do that in his presence?
* You only see him once every couple of weeks
* You said that the reason he gave for not committing didn't make much sense to you (go with your gut)

At best, he's married but legally separated and can't commit to you. At worst, he's married and cheating on his wife ("I've never met anyone I clicked with so fast," "You had such an impact on me" are common phrases from cheaters to get you to think they are falling for you so you will fall for them as well). In either scenario, I'm not seeing how this turns out well for you. I would suggest that you don't have contact with him until he gets a divorce, and gets through the emotional rollercoaster that will follow. If you insist on going forward with him, keep an open mind, but not so open your brain falls out.
Joined: 5/19/2005
Msg: 12
Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/16/2012 7:25:22 AM

2 weeks into our courtship he had the conversation with me that he "wasnt expecting to meet anyone he clicked with so fast, but hes not ready for commitment just yet" - he told me to take it as a compliment that I had such an impact on him.

This is a get out of a relationship free card. He's still married, he's looking for some fun because apparently he
can't or has no intention of getting divorced, and he has no intention of becoming serious with you.

It's not a compliment, it's sort of like a coupon grocery stores hand out...everyone who shops there gets one.
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 13
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Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/16/2012 9:44:06 AM
You make an assumption here that may not be valid OP......when you say that he does not want you!! It is his current situation that he does not want, and you entered his life during that time, and that is not all about you, but much more about the situation.

Why not respect this man for telling you how he feels, and giving him the time to solve all those problems and feelings involved during a separation and divorce. Why not enjoy him, and not just be his sexual escape, and tell him that when he is ready, you are interested in trying, if you are then ready. Being supportive and enjoying someones company, does not have to mean sex and bedding each can be a real commitment to wanting more, when more it right for the both of you.

Now, playing these games of holding off with calls and texts, sending messages that have to be read between the lines, and playing hard to get, will not work with most sophisticated men, and will hurt and confuse those men that are in pain and suffering from a failed marriage and/or relationship. He needs time, he needs support, and he needs companionship, and if you need that too, enjoy him as someone that could be more when the time is right. If you need more now, let him go, and understand that your needs and his needs are not in the same place right now, and it has little to do with want and desires, and much more to do with timing.

Joined: 2/14/2006
Msg: 14
Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/16/2012 10:56:19 AM
Messages 7&9 set of my BS detectors...not at you, OP! but at the BS this guy is throwing at you by the shovelful.

You seem like a lovely, sweet girl who believes the best of people, but if you are going to do online dating you are going to need to get a few street smarts or you are gonna wind up getting hurt badly. Much as I believe the Universe looks out for good people, you can't leave it all to some higher power. You do have to learn to look out for yourself.

You are just a piece of ass on the side for this guy- I bet he still lives under the same roof as his wife and as long as he can find sweet, trusting girls to give him a little extra romance, that marriage isn't going to end anytime soon.

Why wouldn't you want to scare this guy off? He's going to waste your time and screw up your head. Scare him off. Immediately, if not sooner.
Cindy O
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 15
Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/16/2012 11:22:08 AM
Oh. He's still married and living with her (or at least she is over quite often. Red flag? YES.)
Why oh why do people string us along with the details on these things when asking a supposed simple question? Uggh!
You need to think more of yourself than settling as the "option" for a married man. OK?? Who wants that?
I think you knew what you were getting into. There's the door. Exit now.
Joined: 10/12/2012
Msg: 17
Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/16/2012 6:11:52 PM
I am feeling he is in a partnership perhaps and I would be calling his landline if you have it. As for commitment, it is way too early and you dont have any guarantees with love anyway. It is all a gamble. He may have others on the go as well. WHo knows? You are wise to keep your options open. If he is really available and keen he will make an effort to contact you again. To find someone you really like, from a dating site, is rare and you were lucky I guess.
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 18
Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/16/2012 7:09:53 PM
OP God does not intend for you to date a married man, God is sending you a message through your brain but you are not listening. And I realize you're not religious but I am referring to your post where you said God has a plan for you.

Seperated people are married people. Even newly divorced people (including myself) shouldn't be dating for quite some time after the divorce. You will end up with a broken heart.

Go on and read her stuff, it's good and it will seem like she's talking right to you.

Good luck!
Joined: 4/4/2007
Msg: 19
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Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/16/2012 8:27:36 PM
You seem like a very sweet girl and you're a cutie on top of it. You deserve much much better than this guy. I know it's hard to forget someone you really like (even if you know deep down he's no good for you!) but I think it would be best if you just let it go.
Good luck to you ;)
Joined: 1/26/2012
Msg: 20
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Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/17/2012 12:04:23 PM
Good response!
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 22
Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/18/2012 7:47:52 PM
You are a beautiful, intelligent, single woman and deserve much, much better than him.

Please realise this.
He is still married. AND only got married very recently.
He will NOT leave his wife. He has already told you that.

So if you stay the best you can expect is to be his at call mistress and heartache.
You deserve much better.
And he deserves to be able to sort himself out without your assistance.

There are wonderful men out there.

I know it does not seem it at times but in reality you can take your pick.
You are the one with the power and you have handed over all power to him for nothing.

Wake up and realise you deserve better.
Joined: 9/30/2012
Msg: 23
Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 10/19/2012 5:47:39 AM
You are very young so you may not realize this yet, but if a man REALLY is into you, your lighthearted response is NOT going to keep him away. Move on...he is married and that in itself is much baggage for a woman your age.

Good luck
Joined: 6/23/2014
Msg: 24
Backing off without scaring him off completely?
Posted: 11/15/2015 3:41:32 PM
WOW!! Could you be any harsher!? I mean, I completely get your point! I think we all really do but...UGH! That was brutal!
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