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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Take a chillpill or valid cause for stress?      Home login  
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 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 1
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Take a chillpill or valid cause for stress?Page 1 of 1    
I've been friends with a guy for 4 years and we are now 2 months in a relationship...It's great. He's lovely and sweet and caring.....

I'm trying to figure out if I need to take a chillpill or if my "concerns" are valid....I'm especially looking for an outside opinion since I feel after a spate of relationships that didn't work out including one long term one of not so long ago, I'm wondering if perhaps this is clouding my judgement/ causing me to feel more stress than I should over the "issue".

We're both people who are busy up to our eyes and as a result we tend to run late for each other so I can't make any fuss over that but there's a pattern emerging where we make plans and a few hours before the fact (often when I am on my way) he changes the plans. I can tolerate a change of plans with a couple of days notice. That can happen but when I'm expecting for example a quiet night over drinks with my boyfriend and suddenly he's drinking with his mate and wants me to meet the two of them (I'm aware that there is a major positive in him wanting me to meet his best friend but I was exhausted and had looked forward to the quiet drink for the whole week). Another example is where I am supposed to join him in the city where he is working....he tells me I have an option between friday or saturday....granted friday was a bit tricky but he kept claiming I could choose...then this afternoon basically takes that option away from me....there's a few examples like this and I find I get very stressed and frustrated when plans get changed on me last minute this way....

Keen on your opinions!
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 2
Take a chillpill or valid cause for stress?
Posted: 10/19/2012 5:40:36 PM
The obvious would be, did you have a calm and effective talk with him about your feelings on this subject? If so, what's the result?

One would think, knowing someone for four years and in a relationship for two months, there would be discussions.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 3
Take a chillpill or valid cause for stress?
Posted: 10/19/2012 6:08:50 PM
In a perfect world it would be wonderful if the other person was considerate of the others time.
That would be ideal.

You can talk to him about it, absolutely.
Let him know that you find last minute changes stressful.
Maybe you both can work out a gameplan.

From what you know of him, has he always been like this?
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 4
Take a chillpill or valid cause for stress?
Posted: 10/19/2012 6:12:14 PM
Overall it sounds like you aren't a priority for him, which may just be him not moving from friend to lover quickly enough in your relationship dynamic. He gave you an option between Friday and Saturday - it sounds like you didn't give him a definitive answer? Eventually other plans were offered up to him for one of those nights so he made the decision for you?

You need to talk to him about it. You've known him for four years, it can't be that hard to just have a discussion can it?
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 5
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Take a chillpill or valid cause for stress?
Posted: 10/19/2012 7:08:28 PM
Irish Eyez -Yes I messaged him and made my thoughts known in a polite fashion. You're right re given we know each other 4 years...that does help...I'm just trying to make sure I'm not getting myself confused given it's not an awful long time since I got out of a longterm relationship...I'm doing a double check to see if perhaps I'm overreacting? Given the responses it seems people seem to think I have a point that is worth discussion....

U make it entertaining -from what I know of him yes this is his way of doing things...which didn't impact our friendship at all but it would probably drive me up the wall if it went on too long in a relationship!

Gcdeb -I hadn't given a definitive answer because I was waiting on him to give me the definitive plans and I needed to check out how I would make it down to him -eg car or take a train.

Hayden -thanks...and he pretty much said this too :)

notdating -I think you're right ;)

annwyn -I mean that he had left it up to me and then this afternoon said it would be better if I went down tomorrow because he would be exhausted from his work....
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 6
Take a chillpill or valid cause for stress?
Posted: 10/19/2012 7:09:10 PM
from what I know of him yes this is his way of doing things...which didn't impact our friendship at all but it would probably drive me up the wall if it went on too long in a relationship


Wow.


.he tells me I have an option between friday or saturday....granted friday was a bit tricky but he kept claiming I could choose...then this afternoon basically takes that option away from me...


That one's easy.

It was Friday, and you did not put forward any suggestions; so he did.

If you DID tell him you wanted Friday prior to *cough* Friday; then excuse my ignorance based comment.

Seems like you two just need to learn (ok teach) each other how to respect each other as significant others.

It seems that "chilling" for him, involves his buddies. For you; "chilling" seems to be best done with one person. You're going to have to do both; or get one to forget what they like for the other person (what good is that though)

May work....may not.

Bon chance....
 NCnavetG8r
Joined: 9/7/2012
Msg: 7
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Take a chillpill or valid cause for stress?
Posted: 10/20/2012 10:26:32 AM

It may just be that he's a bit more spontaneous and you may simply like clarity and sticking to a plan, or at least having clear expectations. Simply share this with him. So many problems result from one person never being aware that there was ever a problem.


^^This X1000!

People have different personalities. You need to talk to this fella sooner than later about this. He may be a very spontaneous type personality and not even realize he's switching plans on you and upsetting you. To him it's perfectly normal and just the way he takes life moment by moment, flying by the seat of his pants.

If you're the type that needs careful planning ahead, and consistency to be comfortable. The two of you may not be good for the long term. I think I'm somewhat like you are. I like plans, and changes at the last minute can be a little stressful. I can take it once in a while, but if someone consistently does this to me, then I'd never work between us.

I'm not sure if you can take a chillpill. People who have this type personality are just that way as far as I know. You can't really change who you are. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

Another thing you really should consider. If you've had a long day and really just want to relax for the evening, tell him that. Don't agree to meet him and his buddies at the club if you really don't want to. That's only going to cause resentment in the long run. Just tell him you're not feeling up to the club scene on that particular night, and that you think you're just going to go home and have a glass of wine and watch a movie. Maybe he'll get the point and decide to come be "at home" with you.

NC
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