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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Difficult decision concerning my mother......      Home login  
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 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 1
Difficult decision concerning my mother......Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I've been on POF for two years now, many of you know that I was raised by my grandparents.
My mother and father are both alcoholics.
My father will soon have his 38th year of sobriety, I am so proud of him and thankful that he came back into my life.
He lives in North Carolina (as does most of my family on his side), we talk every Sunday and have become close, but he isn't an option for frequent face to face visits or chats because I am in Alabama.
My mother stopped drinking, but turned to pills.
She lives close to me, but being around her or having her in my life means a lot of pain and drama.
About a year ago, she started cutting back on the pills enough that I started talking to her again.
It was long before she spiraled back downward and overdosed, nearly killing herself.
A month ago, her roommate called me in a panic and I drove to her house and spent a long night making sure she didn't die (she refused to let us call an ambulance).
She has called me three times since, swearing she'll never do it again, she's learned her lesson, she want's to see me and my children.
I keep putting her off.
I'm torn.
I am 44 and have been through this with her all my life.
I love her, she's my mother, but I know by now this will never end.
She's going to end up doing herself in one day for good and it's heartbreaking for me to get close to her and keep having this happen.
As a mom, I know I can't bring my children around her if she's on pills.
Do I agree to at least meet her for lunch, take my kids to see her only after talking to her to make sure she's sober, but otherwise keep her at a distance?
or do I end this on my end and cut her off?
No pity party here, this is a hard choice to make and advice/thoughts would be appreciated.
 LinuxD
Joined: 12/6/2008
Msg: 2
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Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 4:45:54 PM
Walk til she is clean and sober. I am an adopted child and had a relationship with my birthmother. i ended all contact with her 6 months ago after another of her nasty blow ups. It simply is not worth it for your sanity nor for your childrens sake.

Tell her to sober up ,then you will see how things go.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 3
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Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 4:52:57 PM
Why didn't you call an ambulance? She couldn't stop you, she sure wasn't making rational decisions, so if you really wanted her to get some help or at least have to face up to her choices, you should have called the ambulance. Let professionals do their job, you are just enabling her.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 4
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 4:56:07 PM
onereallytallguy- I would regret it, and hence the difficulty.
How many chances do you give someone?
This isn't just about me anymore, my children are old enough now that I can't keep things from them and no matter how much I love my mother, can I put them through the same cycle I've been in for so long?
If I reach out to her and she starts getting high on pills yet again, I would be knowingly setting myself up and my children up for disappointment.
As for the issue or where she's getting them, it's incredibly easy these days, people doctor shop or find a friend of a friend to supply them.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 5
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 5:02:03 PM
daynadaze- A lot of people think this, but you are wrong.
I'm a nurse and I know how it works.
She was high and close to out if it, but if you call an ambulance and the person is conscience enough to say they won't go, they can't be forced to go. She's done this enough times that I know this for a fact.
The last time she did this, she wasn't conscience when they arrived, was taken to the hospital, her friend call me and I drove like a bat out of heck to get to her, as soon as she came to, she pulled out her IV, put on her clothes and walked out with me begging her not to.
Know what you are talking about before you criticize.
 wackadoodledoo
Joined: 4/14/2011
Msg: 6
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Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 5:08:31 PM
OP, sometimes one must make difficult decisions regarding family members. IMO, it sounds like this is one of those times. You have the right to have some beauty and peace in your life. You cannot control your mother's behavior. Nor can you ignore it. It should no longer have an adverse affect on your life or your children's life. Let the struggle belong to your mother, She is the only one that can change her behavior. It will not be an easy road for you, but, in the long run, it may be the best road to follow.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 7
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Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 5:11:29 PM
I do know what I'm talking about, but I can see that you have no intention of seeing anything past what you want to hear. When it comes to addicts you can love them to death or you can hand them the ball and make them responsible for their actions, which in this case was to call an ambulance and step back. She needs professional help, what you can do is give her the chance for that, otherwise you are just enabling her. I don't know why you felt a need to **** slap me, but you asked for opinions, I gave you my honest opinion and yes I have been in the same type of situations.
 tampasmiles
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 8
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 5:14:23 PM
Maybe your state is different...but daynadaze is correct...at least for Florida... you can call the police and they will bring an ambulance...and get a marchman or baker act on her. I had one of my close relatives taken to the hospital for taking too many arthritic pain killers/energy pills..and he was very conscience and kept for 5 days..and wanted to leave...and it was the best thing to do for him...
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 9
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 5:25:53 PM

Difficult decision concerning my mother......


Not really. Especially when you actually come to the conclusion that this person is an addict FIRST, and anything else,well, it will be second. Call her Mommy all ya want, she's still an addict. Go talk to some professionals and join a support group for family members of addicts/alcoholics. It's the only decision YOU really need to make. After that, it's up your Mom, the alcoholic/addict.
 softshoe100
Joined: 8/3/2011
Msg: 10
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Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 5:32:24 PM
You can't fix her no matter what,she is an addict. Only she can make the choice to change. You have to make the rules as to what your willing to put up with from her.
 Phil_an_derer
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 11
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 5:33:42 PM
I stuck with my mother until the end, my sisters did not......their choice wrong or right....I never gave up on her and my son at the young age of 8 said to his grama as she was dying...."I don't want you to leave yet grama"....and she died holding his hands....after that I never talked to my sisters again....I think what if that was me would they just walk away....
 vancitygurl78
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 12
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 5:52:50 PM
I'm sorry to hear what ur going through but seriously, ur 44, when will u stop caring for ur parents?

How long are u gonna baby sit ur mother for? She's the one who chose to be an alcoholic, and now on pills. She's obviously not mentally stable and either u give her an ultimatum or admit her to rehab. Cuz it's going to always be a vicious cycle with addicts.
 NOCLOWNING
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 13
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 5:55:28 PM
I am so sorry this is going on in your life. It has to be really hard.
You should keep your kids away from her. They dont need to see it. She has choose to live that life style. I think, you are the only one that could answer, if you should end things with her. You deserve, to be happy. Your mom, shouldnt be bring you down.
Have you tried to talk to her, when she is sober? Let her know, you cant take much more. And you are gonna cut her out of your life. If you do cut her out of your life, could you live with that, when she does, do herself in? Has she tried to get help?
You are right, I have sisters and brothers that are E.M.T's, You cant force someone to go to the hospital.
I wish you and your family the best of luck with her. Hope she does stay sober.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 14
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 5:56:55 PM
My first husband was an addict mostly to pain pills. He had a painful disease and had 3 doctors prescribing, plus stole them from customer's homes. I was a party girl, but no real physical addiction. I surely over did it on weekends.

We both quit and went to meetings. After 3 months he started again. I had to chose. I let him go. He tried to come back but I told him he needed a year clean on his own before I would talk to him. He died a year later. My sponsor and I dropped a one day key chain on his coffin before they buried him. "Some people have to die to get a day clean"

I never went back and remained clean. I also had to walk away from my family, they actually kicked me out because I was clean. They all drink or are addicted to something.

The reason it hurts is so you can remember the pain and never go back and never do that to your children.

I am sure you don't want you children to see their grandmom die. So just tell her to call you when she gets a year completely drug and alcohol free. Then you don't have to make the choice. She will make the choice every day. Most likely she will choose to use. If you are around her then you will see she rather use then be a mom or grandmom. that would be nothing, but pain for you.

You have to accept she may die that way, but it is her choice. You have to choose if she is going to drag you and your children down with her.
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 15
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 6:33:28 PM
1) no one fixes what ain't broke. you mom's life ain't broke...for her. she gets her addiction, she gets her attention from you, and she gets her savior (again, you). She's the child making the mess, you're the adult cleaning up after her.

2) some addicts are just dumb, they have to hit the rock bottom to realize there is no place to go except off the drugs. not switch to another addiction (in their minds, its a solution to the real problem, and that is the problem of being them, every day). is it hard to see them fall? yep. and sometimes they don't survive the fall, either. but...

3)you can't make people think anything other than, what they want to think. if someone wants attention and stops getting it, then they stop doing what denies them their attention, and find something else to get it back. your mother may do that. she may not. but there's only two people you need, you can, you are able to help. one is you, the other is/are your children. you can help yourself b/c there is no one else you can help. you HAVE to help your children, since they are too young to do it themselves.

4)do what's best for you and your kids. by default, that will become the best for your mother, who, frankly, needs to grow up. the state may step in to help her before its too late. or, sadly, her demons may take her....but...that will be her choice, no one else's.

so long as your mom has an enabler, however, guess what makes the most sense for her? to take advantage, that's what. its called tough love for a reason.
 _Meta_Man_
Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 16
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 6:53:31 PM
You need ALANON not POF. Try http://www.intherooms.com there is a lot of recovery there.
 warmheart050
Joined: 2/4/2011
Msg: 17
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Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 7:20:23 PM
hmm im sorry this is happening to u,IMO I would seek help from proffessionals on what u should do, maybe just maybe seeing her grand kids will make her want to get help,thats a big maybe because addicts are very selfish people,thier in thier own world,I hope all goes well for u :)
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 18
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 7:38:00 PM
daynadaze- I don't want to slap you. I asked for people to respond and you did.
I'm not sure what state you live in, but here in Alabama, a patient has the right to refuse treatment, not only that but if a medical professional does anything with a patient refusing, they can charged with assault, be sued and lose their license.
Once again, as a nurse for 16 years, I know this for a fact.
As far as enabling my mother, I have never provided her with pills or alcohol, or even taken her to the doctor to get pills.
I'm not going to do anything to help her destroy herself.
I was only having lunch with her now and then and taking my children along sometimes, but it looks like I'm going to have to stop doing even that.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 19
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 7:43:55 PM
NOCLOWNING- Thank you for understanding. Some people have assumed that I enable my mother. I have never helped her get high on anything ever.
I just thought I could have some time with her now and again and maybe my children too.
My mother has been through rehab 5 times. She won't willingly do it again, I've asked.
Someone suggested I commit her, the problem with that is eventually she will get out and she can be very vindictive.
Also, you have to go to court to commit someone and that's a lengthy process.
I have looked into all options and I'm running out of things to do to help her.
It might just be time for me to step away.
Maybe she will stay sober, but I doubt it.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 20
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 7:49:18 PM
warmheart050- Thank you. Several people including you have suggested I seek help through support groups such as al-a-non.
I've never been big on group therapy situations, but I think I'll take this advice.
It can't hurt and at least I'll find people who know what I'm going through to talk to.
 Hotmerlot
Joined: 10/9/2012
Msg: 21
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 8:24:56 PM
All of these options are difficult and and this will be a painful choice. You need the support of folks that have been in your shoes. You sound like a lovely person and you don't deserve to be in this position. Someone suggested Alanon, that is a great idea. I hope this works out.
 bamagrl68
Joined: 11/14/2010
Msg: 22
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 9:55:38 PM
janem- My mother called me tonight, not long after I started this thread.
She was in a state, saying that her room mate took her cigarettes. Chances are she misplaced them and I told her I was not going to leave home past 10 at night and drive across town to bring her any.
She then proceeded to guilt trip me about not calling her.
I reminded her that I had tried to talk to her before about how it felt for me to have to keep bearing witness to her self-destructive behavior.
She asked about seeing my children and I told her no, not until she quit over medicating herself.
She then laid yet more guilt on me about how my brother and sister have given up on her and I'm the last one left.
I refused to back down, I told her I love her and always will, but I can't stand this anymore.
Then she said to me was that she guessed her room mate was right and she's worthless, we hate her and she wished she would just die.
I said well I don't want you to die I love you, I just can't be around if you are going to stay high all the time.
I told her if she would take the medication as ordered and not use it to get high, I would visit her.
She told me she was going to call welfare and ask for help, as we have all abandoned her and hung up on me.
Janem, you are right she is so manipulative and I honestly feel like she could care less how much she hurts us all.

Lord, I'm so tired. It's late and I'm going to bed soon.
I consider many of you great people and I ask that you keep us all in your thoughts, especially my mother.
 AJ2517
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 23
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 10:06:42 PM
Bama, never been in your shoes but you standing your ground after this last episode was what needed to be done.IMO......The merry-go-round never stops when enabling.......I know one thing, you should be very proud of you in how you handled it this last time...I am sure you probably still feel lousy no matter what but in reality, you took a huge step for the one person that matters most: YOU!!
 MutedEnthusiasm
Joined: 7/8/2011
Msg: 24
Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/25/2012 11:30:35 PM
Msg: 3: If she were to die tomorrow and you hadn't made the effort, would you regret it?
OP: I would regret it, and hence the difficulty. How many chances do you give someone?

Bamagirl, I think when we imagine the passing of a loved one, nothing matters more urgently than sharing our love with them before they go. When they go on living year after year though, inflicting their pain upon us, we need a more comprehensive strategy for our survival and that of our children.


OP: She told me she was going to call welfare and ask for help, as we have all abandoned her and hung up on me.

Could there be a kernel of an idea there – that if she goes to a social agency for help, that you would be willing to meet her there, circumstances permitting? If a social worker (or rehab worker, for example) could verify that she was present and sober, would you consider going to visit her, possibly in the presence and supervision of that trained professional?

It would amount to a supervised family visit, more or less – not usually done with adult children but often done with younger children and their estranged biological parents or grandparents. In this way, you verify the safety of the visit before you or your children show up. And she is provided with some incentive for staying sober, at least for a few hours. Just an idea.
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 25
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Difficult decision concerning my mother......
Posted: 10/26/2012 7:34:42 AM
I have never had any experience with this but from what I have read about AA, addicts are supposed to take recovery day by day. Perhaps you should look at the situation with your Mom the same way.
If you want to see her call her that day and confirm she is sober then meet in a public place like a park, mall or ice cream parlor.
She may finally get it through her head that in order to be a part of your life she has to maintain a form of sobriety. Or maybe she never will but it keeps your and your children's lives far more drama free. I would also inform her roommate that if your mother is OD'ing or having an episode to call the police or an ambulance, not you.

Kudos to your father for maintaining his sobriety for so long, that is quite and accomplishment and gift to himself, you and your kids.
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