Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Should I date someone who has been sober for five years      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Should I date someone who has been sober for five yearsPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
It depends.

There is no guarantee that he won't drink again. But then, there's never any guarantee with anything much, anyway.

I'm a member of AA myself, and I met my boyfriend about two years ago when I was five years sober. If anything, my program of recovery is helping me with respect to having a healthy relationship.

However, some people in AA are truly recovering, and others are still pretty crazy. It all depends on what they're actually doing. Some of my friends in AA I would have dated in a heartbeat, if we were attracted to each other, and others I would stay far, far away from.

I know this is probably not very helpful. But it's pretty much as with every other person. You really have to get to know him, slowly and over time, to see whether he might be a match.

If you want to understand the program better, go to some open AA or Alanon meetings. If nothing else, it will give you an idea as to what he ideally should be doing, and it might make it easier for you to recognize whether he's actually doing it or just giving it lip service.

Good luck!
 1388SmartBlonde
Joined: 5/15/2011
Msg: 3
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/28/2012 8:56:41 PM
Five years sober is a good sign....it means he is committed to having a better life. My dad was in AA for 26 years and was a loving, devoted husband to my stepmom who he met while in AA. Make sure he stays grounded in the program and you can attend Al-Anon to show your support and gain insight into his recovery.
 Paddy_o_Lantern
Joined: 5/24/2012
Msg: 4
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/28/2012 8:57:33 PM
I'm not sure why you think this guy is so special. You look like an attractive woman and are apparently picky about who you date since you are ruling out anyone with less than a batchelors degree. Maybe you should also be ruling out anyone with a history of addictions as well.

Keep in mind OP if you are going to remain a Social Drinker ( as your profile states ) that could be a problem with an alcoholic who wants to remain on the wagon. Ask yourself if you are prepared to never drink in front of him as a show of support for his problem with alcohol.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 5
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/29/2012 4:58:48 AM
All relative to the person that has quit drinking. Some people,after going thru the initial trauma of quitting, get up and carry on with their lives with very little judgement or comments along the way. Others, well,they sometimes believe because they quit they can start preaching and telling others the "evils"of alcohol. I've seen em both.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 6
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/29/2012 9:31:23 AM
s a former alcoholic really done?

1. No such thing as a "former alcoholic."
If he identifies himself as an alcoholic, he is an alcoholic for the rest of his life.
2. Can't say if he is "done." Too many factors. That's why they say "one day at a time."
Will it raise its head in other ways even if he never drinks again?

Google "dry drunk."
If drinking was a type of coping mechanism, it is unlikely he can be mentally/ emotionally healthy until he addresses his inability to deal with certain situations that triggered his drinking response. He needs to learn a new way of living. Until then, it is unlikely he will be a good candidate for a satisfying relationship.

For most people who adopt a 12-step program, it is a lifetime commitment.
You can consider al-anon (for loved ones of Addicts, etc.) if you decide to become involved. Or even try a meeting to get a sense of his mindset.
 MaccaFan
Joined: 3/2/2008
Msg: 7
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/29/2012 1:27:10 PM
An alcoholic is never "done".
They may be in recovery but they are always only 1 drink away from a relapse.
Some have many years of sobriety under their belts..but most do not..

Do your homework, there is much info online and many great books out there about alcoholism.
You'll find the answer there...
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 8
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/29/2012 1:29:47 PM
In my personal experience with an ex who'd only been sober for 3 years, I'd advise against it. People with addictions are wired differently than those of us with no addictions. As an example, my ex didn't handle stress very well. And I mean the most minor stressor would send him into a tailspin. I was always concerned that he start drinking again if life got too stressful. They may not all be like this, but most of them are very manipulative and good at putting their personal spin on things -- telling half-truths, etc. Just pay close attention if you choose to move forward with this guy. As for myself, I couldn't put up with the constant drama he brought into my life.
 Plenty_of_FreeTime
Joined: 10/26/2011
Msg: 9
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/29/2012 2:13:15 PM
I was a pretty heavy drinker at one time,quit over 20 years ago and haven't had a sniff since!
So YES it can be done and one can be sober and very happy without any form of alcohol!
I know to some, 5 yrs. doesn't seem like much,but to the guy the OP is referring too,it IS.
I say give him a chance if he's someone you are really interested in pursuing.
 ohenryx
Joined: 3/12/2010
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/29/2012 2:13:36 PM
"Dry alcoholics" tend to be very rigid. They do not relax and have fun, at least not very often or very well. I understand why, but it does not make for much fun to be dating one.

They tend to be quite dogmatic in their belief systems as well. They are not likely to change their opinion about anything, ever.

(All above based on my personal experience, no scientific basis.)
 Gwendolyn2010
Joined: 1/22/2006
Msg: 11
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/29/2012 2:34:08 PM
OP, one of my best friends is married to an alcoholic. (I haven't seen her for awhile, but unless he is dead, they are still married).

He has been sober for a very long time and continues to go to meetings. It has not ever been a problem for them. she also has a glass of wine (in his presence) and not only has he never joined her, but has never criticized her for doing so.

I won't say that it is "no" problem, but that doesn't mean that there will be a problem. The question is how much of yourself are you willing to commit to someone who is an alcoholic?
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 15
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/29/2012 4:11:58 PM
I met my second husband....just into his sobriety at about the 6 months point...He was only 27 then.
I was naive and had no idea about..."alcoholics"..."dry drunks" or whatever.
He stated he simply had quit drinking because he had a couple impaired charges...lost his license and he was just a bad drunk! He never went to a meeting or in the 17 years together did he ever have a drink!
We socialized with people that drank(we met playing ball)...we went to dances,bars, parties...
Just wasn't a big deal for him...He would sometimes stop off and buy me a bottle of wine...
But....I understand others can't be around alcohol...ask him!!
 funandfloating
Joined: 10/12/2012
Msg: 16
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/29/2012 5:07:53 PM
There are no guarantees in life and whether it is drink or anything else you take your chances. We cant say what he will or wont do. If you have gone out with him four times then you must like him and you can only get to know him by seeing him again.

You can imagine why he is divorced. IF you feel there was domestic violence then I would be forgetting about him if it were me.

I had to to do that with a lovely guy who was a gambling addict and a heavy smoker. Unless he goes into rehab nothing will change but he would not face up to the fact he had a problem and I didnt want to get further involved.

Plenty more fish in the sea as they say.
 AlfredoDP
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 17
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/29/2012 5:42:33 PM
Drinking, like smoking, is an addition, a friend.
Are you better than a glass of wine? If so, he will no longer drink.
 Moonchild51
Joined: 3/11/2007
Msg: 18
view profile
History
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/29/2012 5:49:55 PM
OP five years is a helluva long time as some others here have said! I say give him a chance. Our society actually "promotes" drinking. In my biz, I find it at almost every function. Ever sit with someone and not have a drink and they ask you why not? Ummm.. don't want one? Oh c'mon, everybody needs to loosen up? This is what our society has come to and god help those who fall under its spell and self medicate. I think if he hasn't drank in five years, there is a great chance that he has faced his demons and now processes his stresses in other ways. Good luck to you, hope it all goes well!
 SmileBB
Joined: 10/1/2008
Msg: 19
view profile
History
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/29/2012 8:06:32 PM
You're probably better off with an AA than you are a "Normie". Normie's usually don't look at themselves and live with their defects. AA's remain keenly aware of themselves and how they act and think. If you wouldnt have known he's an AA unless he told you so he's probably a pretty safe bet. The best one's remain Anonymous and share neither pride nor guilt of being an AA with "Normies." That being said; watch for changes if he ever severs connection with AA for an extended time.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 20
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/30/2012 8:18:57 AM
I wouldn't say you are any better or worse with an alcoholic because he's an alcoholic per se. I dated an alcoholic for about 4 years. He is a good guy but it didn't work in the end. Had nothing to do with him being an alcoholic. There is a saying in AA... "once a pickle, always a pickle." There is no cure for alcoholism.

He may or may not "fall off the wagon" eventually. A lot of alcoholics do at some point; it is typically a part of the recovery process to think that since they have achieved some level of success in self-awareness and control, they can ease back into having "just a little" or "just this once", but the alcohol inevitably takes over.

Make your judgment call based on his character, not based on the fact that he is an alcoholic (which is not a character issue). An alcoholic who is "successful" i.e. one who is effective in dealing with the condition of being an alcoholic MUST BE more self-aware than the average bear and in touch with their own thoughts & motivations or they will easily fall back into the state of letting the alcohol overtake them, and that can be a plus but it doesn't always play out that way.
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 21
view profile
History
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/30/2012 9:12:47 AM
Each to their own.

I'm leary of people with addictive personalities or those who once lapsed into some pattern of unhealthy behavior.

I've always gravitated towards women who not only rarely drink, don't smoke,don't do drugs,are not overweight, etc. but have never had those characteristics or habits.

We can only control our own behavior. No way of controlling anyone else. An alcoholic is 100% responsibility for his own choices regardless if you have a glass of wine in front of him or not. If it was a long time relationship, a family member, etc. then, yes, we would want to do our best to help....but a stranger? I sure wouldn't want the 'what if' hanging over me. There's thousands of other less stressful potential partners out there. Why start with a cloud over top from the beginning?
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 22
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/30/2012 9:58:24 AM
5 years is great.
But I’m surprised and wary that he wanted you to go to meetings with him four times. How long have you two been dating? Unusual for an alcoholic to bring their wife or girlfriend to meetings with him. If the wife or gf is an addict, yes, but not people who don't have a problem with alcohol. Unusual. Especially 4 times.
AlAnon and the codie code was that partners shouldn’t monitor, oversee, nurse or police, or become enmeshed in the alcoholic’s addiction and recovery, actually or emotionally. That he wanted to involve you in his recovery, this very personal responsibility of his, seems off to me. There are lots of things that are a huge part of our lives that we don’t bring someone into until things get serious, like our careers and our families, our medical care and our friendships. And AA and AlAnon make a big deal out of recovery being the addict’s responsibility. The Big Book even addresses the down side to partners’ getting involved, and then enmeshed. Anyway, just thought I’d mention that.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 23
view profile
History
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/30/2012 10:03:32 AM
What are you talking about?

The OP went on four dates with this guy. She didn't mention anything about going to meetings with him.
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 24
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/30/2012 10:23:47 AM
lol! Oooooooh.. I read that he goes to meetings and she went four times! sorry. My mistake.
 Wonder5750
Joined: 1/30/2012
Msg: 25
view profile
History
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/30/2012 1:36:35 PM
Seems odd to rule out someone that has the foresight to try and make their life better. There are tons of alcohlics that do nothing but try and maintain. Its the fact he admitted it thats bugging you. Poor dude is doing things right and still he is put to task.

So what if he falls off the wagon, just so he gets back on. No one is perfect and in truth AA meetings should be packed, go to any tavern and check all the people that drink it excess.
 NiceSingleGreeneyes
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 26
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 10/30/2012 2:15:50 PM
I think I agree with 5154.. At least a reforming ex addict at least is not in Denial.
I have never had any of these problems but my friends have. The worst is when they think they are fine..

Any self retrospection is good unless it leads to loathing.
I equate asking an AA if they want a drink to selling drugs to a 1st grader. Beyond reprehensible.
I really respect people who stay with their solutions.
Hugs to all from the Normie crowd.
 barra62
Joined: 10/18/2012
Msg: 27
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 11/2/2012 2:48:15 PM
Better than dating someone who's been drunk for 5 years ,, should imagine the smell alone would be enough for you to stay away ....
 Sciencetreker
Joined: 2/13/2012
Msg: 28
view profile
History
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 11/2/2012 4:00:20 PM

I equate asking an AA if they want a drink to selling drugs to a 1st grader. Beyond reprehensible.


Wrong...it's 100% the responsibility and choice of the alcoholic. It's 100% up to him top say 'No'. He owns his problem.
 SpittyKitty
Joined: 5/2/2011
Msg: 29
Should I date someone who has been sober for five years
Posted: 11/2/2012 10:01:18 PM
I didn't read ANY of these answers. Just the title question.
Do what you want, but buyer beware.
I would NEVER feel secure after what I've been through.
NO WAY!!!
Show ALL Forums  > Over 45  > Should I date someone who has been sober for five years