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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Separated vs Divorced      Home login  
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 Green_Jello44
Joined: 6/19/2011
Msg: 2
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Separated vs DivorcedPage 1 of 1    
Separated is a showstopper for most folks, it means there are still strings, your not quite free, and certainly not healed from the last relationship....but prime for rebound sex I guess.
Divorced, means the ties are cut, you are free to date, healed and healthy, emotionally available for a new relationship....or rebound sex.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 5
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/1/2012 5:49:08 PM
Anyone separated is still legally married, so my antenna always went up whenever I saw that word. If their profile was otherwise appealing, I might take the time to find out more about their individual circumstances rather than automatically dismissing them.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 6
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Posted: 11/1/2012 5:56:08 PM
This is asked often.

When I first arrived here, I was astonished at the hostility of people to all Separated people, because literally every person I knew who was Separated, proceeded smoothly to divorce, and moved on.

But as you can see above, lots of folks here have had the opposite experience and worse.

Heck, there are too many people here even in the forums (a tiny portion of the POF membership) who openly admit that though they SAY that they are single and available on their profile, that they actually have yet to even have begun the process to get a legal separation. Every little while, some knud-knick comes on here asking how soon they can change their status to "single," after they first tell their wife that they are angry at them.

As always, it's the scumbags that spoil things for the rest of the honest folks.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 10
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/1/2012 8:14:51 PM
Separated still means a lot of unfinished business.

Sometimes it may be emotional
Sometimes it may mean financial
Still some work to do in order to clear the plate for future prospects.

You could mention divorce papers are in court and a time frame for completion.
I would see that as a positive.

But then ... when I read a profile, one of the first things I look at is status.
And if it says separated, I then back out and don't continue reading.
Myself ... I want as least amount of drama as possible.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 12
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/1/2012 10:07:31 PM
Separated status is not a dealbreaker for me.
Courts sometimes take forever to muddle through those complex things.
My own childless divorce went smoothly, yet I know friends who took YEARS to be done.
Those friends lived in different households and still moved at glacial pace.
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 14
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/2/2012 3:32:47 AM
Each to their own, I guess.

Personally, I had avoided many 'opportunities' meeting separated men, just for this reason. So long as they're still technically married, they're ineligible to date me; and I did not look at them if the ink is still wet on their divorce decrees. No way.

I'd not mention where you are in the process of your divorce because it wouldn't matter; I'd wager to say that women who are seeking a long-term commitment won't touch your profile.
 FlaxenBlonde
Joined: 12/16/2010
Msg: 15
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Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/2/2012 5:24:29 AM
Separated equals "still married." If it did not equal "still married" then you wouldn't be having to get a divorce.

Many single/divorced women and men will not enter a relationship with someone who has not yet ended their current relationship -- in your case, your marriage.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 16
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/2/2012 5:44:00 AM
What I have found with "seperated" people(not all,but most) is it ain't the "physcial" part of it. It's the "mental" part, and until the divorce papers are signed, they truely are not "single",even in their own minds. Yeah, people can tell me they "are done" with their past partner,but honestly, until you SIGN the papers, you really don't know what it's like to be "single" again, despite the empty house,etc.

When ya sign the papers, you will understand.
 rearguard*2
Joined: 2/8/2008
Msg: 17
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Posted: 11/2/2012 5:45:57 AM
If you are living in your own place by yourself, why would you even bother with the technical issues of separated on your profile or on dates with others. It will be a long time before you get married again, and unless you are particularly strange, by then you will be divorced.

Legal aspects entangle peoples lives, both to their advantage and to their disadvantage. Its got nothing to do with dating. In an ugly divorce a person may be separated for years. What do they do? Sit at home by themselves? No, they date, the love, they live, and there are lots of people out there who don't feel that an exhaustive legal analysis of civil status is the prime agenda for a coffee meet, or, for that matter, a series of dates with a new love interest.

In reality, there are only people who are married and living with someone, and those who are not. Where love forms in a relationship, the legal aspects will always take care of themselves. No need at all to concern yourself about it. If the legal aspects get in the way, its not love.....
 GeminiFun
Joined: 1/23/2011
Msg: 20
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/2/2012 9:10:25 AM
Yes. It matters.

1. there is emotional baggage that comes with ending a marriage legally (dedividing property, finances, visitation for kids and pets, financial hard ship of paying for lawyers and counciling), and I am not sure I want to be there for all of that - I would rather wait till all of that has been settled.
2. Seperated means you can go back to the marriage.
3. Seperated sometimes means looking for an affair - do not tell my wife.
4. Until the Divorce is finalized, the people you are dating can be followed by private investigators and can be subpoenaed and deposed by your spouses attorneys.
5. In some jurisictions the new girlfriend can be sued by your ex-wife for causing or influencing the end of the marriage - so there can be a very real financial liability issue here.
6. In the jusidication I live in it takes over a year for a divorce decree. I do not know where you live.
7. At any point in a seperation, the ex-wife could show up on my door step or where I work and cause a scene.
8. People lie. To themselves and to others. I would want to see that the ink is dry on the Divorce Certificate.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 24
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/2/2012 10:16:52 AM
I prefer to read "divorced" over "separated"; because "separated" means that "together again" could be next up.

At least "divorced" gives the impression of something decisive.

Just my .02

 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 25
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/2/2012 4:47:35 PM

You actually think that people that have been separated =the same as married?


I don't think you're "getting it". Seperated may not be the same as married,but seperated DOES NOT MEAN "single"(or availible). As simple as that.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 27
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/2/2012 5:18:06 PM

Sorry Walts but nothing is that simple[/quote

Actually it is, though you won't/can't admit it. You can say you're availible, but really, availible for "what"????? In the big picture,not a whole lot, other than the "odd" sleepover, some dates, or whatever. But, what can you give that "partner" of yours right now?????? Not ALL of you that is for sure. Not until the past is dealt with. Your ex can date the same guy as long she wants to,but they are just dates right now.

Personally the person I am looking for in a partner should be "fully" availible. But again, a personal choice. You are not "fully" availible until those papers are signed. And when you do sign them, you will know what I am saying. Till then, you're guessing and wishin. That is of course, that the ceremony of marriage of which you were part of actually meant something to you and your ex. If it didn't, then no biggie,right?????
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 29
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/2/2012 8:12:05 PM


You actually think that people that have been separated =the same as married?


"have been" is past tense, which clearly means the person is no longer separated. If the person is no longer separated, they are either single or married. While separated, they are still married.

She did not use the past tense. Her phrase "separated equals still married" has built-in present tense.

She never said nor implied that "have been separated = the same as married". Don't put words into people's mouth.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 30
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/2/2012 8:14:58 PM
I personally know of a case where the couple separated and the husband immediately did a disappearing act, never to be heard from or seen again (was laid off from work, so contacting last place of employment was not a factor). It's been about 7 years since this happened and she last saw him and has no desire take him back if he suddenly re-appeared. I asked her: "Why don't you file for divorce if you have no intention of ever getting back with the ex?" She said in order to file for divorce, she would have to serve her ex with "filing for divorce" papers, and since no one knows where he is-or if they do know but won't tell her-she can't proceed any further. So her status is stuck as separated.

Has anyone been able to get a divorce without contacting the ex or serving him/her with legal papers? Is it possible in certain places? Does it mean she would never be able to get married again if she wanted to?
 xlord1976
Joined: 9/5/2012
Msg: 32
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Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/2/2012 9:56:16 PM
Let's look at some facts real quick.
1. Statues can be lied about by both guys and girls. So just cause some puts single/separated/divorced don't mean there being honest about it.
2. Every place has there rules for getting a divorce and there not all the same. some make you go through hell and back again why others pass it out like candy.
3. one does not have to get a divorce to have relationship drama. Two single people could meet up and start a relationship and one could leave just to go back to a old flame. ( It's more common that way then some one who is Separated statistically.) or a ex of any status to bring drama in to some ones life (baby drama/fatal attraction.)
4. Every one has opinions but there is no clear cut answer for every one.
5. Every case is in it's self unique and is probably best judge that way.
6. We as humans tend to weary more about the wrong things then we should. Not to say you should not care or weary. But that we over stress about things that we should not stress so much about and then things we should stress more about we don't.

Now to answer you OP I for one think it's a case by case thing. I just don't want to blindly throw away the chance that I could be missing out meeting the right one for me because i'm uptight or stuck on my lorals. But that's me. To each there own.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 35
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/3/2012 4:30:14 AM

green_jello44 :
Separated is a showstopper for most folks, it means there are still strings, your not quite free, and certainly not healed from the last relationship....but prime for rebound sex I guess.
Divorced, means the ties are cut, you are free to date, healed and healthy, emotionally available for a new relationship....or rebound sex.


One person can have been separated for a long, long time and healed, just doesn't have the final legal papers from the State. Where another person could have a quick easy divorce, with the final decree in their pocket and still be carrying around a steamer trunk of baggage. A legal paper from some State does not mean they're healed, healthy, and emotionally available for a new relationship. Nor does the lack of said papers mean they're not ready to move on.

Like most things in life there are no easy answers to this question.
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 36
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Posted: 11/3/2012 4:38:28 AM
Just wait for the divorce to be final before dating. So much easier. That's what I did. Painless.
 Behind-Blue-Eyes_53
Joined: 12/19/2011
Msg: 38
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/3/2012 4:49:35 AM

tickle_me_pank:
Well then you have a serious communication problem, because it was me that said "I'm separated" can be a convenient cover story for "I'm cheating on my wife." And not only that, I'm the only one on this thread so far who made that connection. So how much rope will ya be needing now to backpedal.

Maybe your muddled and confrontational communication style explains at least partially why you are well on your way to a divorce. Cheers.


The OP was quoting Ffrin, clearly you have a problem with reading what is clearly printed.

Below is the post the OP quoted the bold part from.


Ffrin:
I've had more than one first meet with men my own age who have described themselves as Separated and then, when I met them, have discovered that the women they have been married to for 30 years DON'T ACTUALLY KNOW that they are separated: they still live together, in one case were in business together, but "the relationship is dead" "we sleep in separate beds" etc. etc.
For me, those first meets were also last meets. I have no intention of being involved in anyone else's marriage, and thus I now avoid men who describe themselves as separated.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 41
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/3/2012 6:54:39 AM
Would it make a difference if a guy and woman were living together like husband and wife, except they didn't go for the wedding bells routine, and were together for years, then the relationship hit the skids? Technically, both of them have been single the entire time since there was no official, government approved marriage ceremony, so there is no divorce and being separated issues. Would the people who say they would never date a separated person date a person who recently got out of this situation?
 cooldog65
Joined: 6/27/2011
Msg: 42
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Posted: 11/3/2012 7:03:33 AM
^^^^^
Interesting...that would be separated vs. divorced vs. shacked up!
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 45
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/3/2012 9:29:08 AM
Maleman999, you have made excellent and insightful points in your Post# 55 above.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 47
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Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/3/2012 10:49:09 AM
The people who have been burned, and who have latched on to the title, are never likely to change their minds. Emotionally understandable.

but maleman's point is not only right, it can do with some expanding, IF the goal is to understand reality, and not just to feel self-satisfied with labels and righteous indignation.

Lots of us are here, because we married a SINGLE, entirely legally available person, and it didn't work out. There are many many tales of woe in these forums (see the Broken Hearts forum for reference) , where no separated people were involved, only long divorced people, and entirely single ones. Clearly, if you stop emphasizing labels as though they dictate reality, you can easily see that the fact that someone is NOT just separated, in no way guarantees that the very things that people fear from separated people wont happen anyway.

But I still side, in the end, 100% with the right of each person to discard people like me. I wish the ones who insist that being separated means that I and others like me are inherently untrustworthy, would find a better and more understanding way to express their decision not to get involved, but I would not call for them to change that decision. I would also hope that they also realize that keeping people like me on the discard pile, doesn't protect them as much as their vehemence of saying so implies they believe, for their own sake.

Avoiding all self-labeled separated people DOES protect them from the ones who are lying about it, from the ones who are destined to return to their mates, and from the ones who are trying to get involved with someone way too soon. So it is a functional decision to make. The number of genuinely valuable and worthy separated people is not high enough to cause them to lose that many opportunities for happiness. As long as they realize that choosing the self-labeled single person is not significantly safer, then they will be fine.
 justlookingvt
Joined: 5/8/2010
Msg: 51
Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/3/2012 4:27:38 PM

, if you stop emphasizing labels as though they dictate reality, you can easily see that the fact that someone is NOT just separated, in no way guarantees that the very things that people fear from separated people wont happen anyway.


There are some problems with the above statement. It is not a matter of "labels". It is a matter of the particular state/stage in which an individual's life is.

An individual who is separated, be it a man or a woman, means they have a number of issues, among them an on-going divorce, possible child support issues, alimony, division of assets and, many other issues which are in a state of flux. Dealing with all these issues has many side effects, some of them emotional, others related to disponibility. Lastly, there is always the risk that the individuals involved may change their minds and decide to get back together (for reasons that are not always emotional but practical, e.g, finances, kids, etc)

An individual who is single, either because he/she was never married or because the divorce is final, means they have none of the above issues.

As far as guarantees, there are no guarantees in life (except death and taxes). That is not relevant. What is relevant is the large number of issues that exist in one case, which do not exist in the other.

Choosing not to date a separated individual is wise to say the least. First, the separated individual has to demonstrate they have the ability to clean up their act, then and only then, they are in a position to be dateable.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 52
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Separated vs Divorced
Posted: 11/3/2012 4:39:35 PM
^^^ I agree with some of that.

I wasn't saying that the label is everything by a long shot. I was saying that the negatives and other real concerns that people do have about separated-but-not-divorced people, can still be present in the folks who have their divorce papers in hand, and in people who have never been married.

As for your statement:



the separated individual has to demonstrate they have the ability to clean up their act, then and only then, they are in a position to be datable.


that sounds to be driven by resentment or anger. I can't support that, simply because to be rational, you would have to extend it to the idea that anyone who has ever been in a relationship which failed, and who experiences emotions, would ALSO have to "demonstrate they have the ability to clean up their act."

After all, a divorced person is just a separated person who has gotten the form from the government saying they are no longer legally linked. That form does NOT indicate that the government has tested them, and determined that they have healed their neediness, reformed their wayward nature, vowed never again to cheat, learned any of the lessons they needed to, which cause their marriage to fail, or have discharged all of their financial problems.


So therefore this :



An individual who is single, either because he/she was never married or the divorce is final, means they have none of the above issues


is flat out false. Just read the many other forums here alone, and you will see example after example proving that the reverse is true.
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