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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm in      Home login  
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 1
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Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm inPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I feel conflicted.....and I'm aware that I need to get some proper counselling when time allows for it.

My main question I'm putting out there is am I wrong to feel let down by my boyfriend that he didn't try to meet up with me yesterday for a much needed hug as he had claimed was on offer?

Some important factors that don't help:
A- I'm most definately burning the candle at both ends right now with an insane workload between college and work
B- With the 2nd anniversary of my friend just past a few days, I realised I did not really deal with the trauma of watching him go through cancer and I've suddenly found myself in the last 2 weeks feeling quite distraught when I think about it.
C- I was with my ex for 3 years ....I thought he was the one but when push came to shove he could not commit. In the end I had no choice but to move on with my life. We parted ways/ saw each other for the last time June 20th.

So....with that in mind....a friend of 4.5 years, seeing that I was finally single, made his move. I love the fact that he obviously was holding that candle for me for so long. We get on great and yes I love him. We're together about 2.5 months now. The relationship, given that we know each other so well and given that he's quite verbal on his intentions about me being the one for him and his desire to commit to me, has progressed a lot quicker than the average relationship I would think for 2.5 months....I tend to adapt/ fit in with whatever I'm presented with...I can except people's quirks and flaws and ways of being and I modify my lifestyle to in this case I'm presented with a lovely wonderful, quirky, funny, caring man and I do my best to give him the same in return including the commitment....and once I give such's not just in my actions, it's from the I find myself quite serious about my boyfriend at this point...I've quite easily fallen into the role of seeing him as my other half and depending on him in that way a longterm partner does......

Then on Sunday I felt like I was sideblinded a bit....with a week off, we'd wound up pretty much spending every night together and I spend a good few days working beside him...we were watching tv and I was stroking his hand....he pulled my hand away and said it tickled....we joked around and I was messing kissing his neck lightly and I asked him a few questions to get a sense if it's just sometimes or all the time and if it's the light touch that does it....I want to get to know him properly. We sat back on the couch and I had my hand on his leg and he pulled my hand away and somewhat annoyed said "you know now I don't like that"......He apologised later for it and asked me not to be worrying about these things and that we're just getting to know each other.....It should be noted that his tone was not aggressive but it was clear he was annoyed....and my buzz was killed....

On Sunday night, I discover that my ring (contraception) had fallen I wound up having to take a 5 day morning after pill yesterday. I was really upset about this. Initially I was just trying to get through all my workload but as the day progressed...I thought more and more about his offer that he was there if I needed anything even if just a hug....I tried to drop a few hints, getting more and more clear as the evening nighttime I'd finished my job, I on hindsight realise, I was really desperate for a bit of TLC...I was feeling really down and low....I made this clear but still he didn't bite the bait and when I eventually more or less spelled it out explicitly he said he was tired and needed to go to bed.....

So I find myself in this horrible internal battle....I've given my heart to someone and I feel I'm relying on him too soon to be my partner who I can call on....yet he pretty much says he wants this and will often say if I need anything I can call on him.....I'm in this internal battle of wondering: Am I being unfair? Am I expecting too much? Have I moved too fast? Am I seeing things skewed? Do I have a point? Am I carrying baggage from the past? I feel like I can't see the wood for the trees at times and it's making me feel quite unsettled......

I mention my ex because in my heart of hearts, I am not pining for him, I have moved on...I dealt with all the crap and I fought til the end until there was no more fighting to be had....I always believed that one relationship cannot start before another has been grieved for but I now realise this is not true. I love my boyfriend...but in the same way that I have not grieved properly for the loss of my friend 2 years ago, I have not properly grieved for my doesn't mean I am hung on the past but it does mean there's a knife edge, a pain sitting there unacknowledged so to speak and I worry that it is cutting across my ability to see my current relationship with the full clarity I want.
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 2
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Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm in
Posted: 11/6/2012 6:29:12 PM
Thanks midwest.

Re the touching we were watching tv and I was distracting him with a soft touch....I guess it was tickling eventually resulted in our less pleasant exchange....

Good point you make re givers and talkers...though to his credit he's proving himself to be quite a giver in looking after me, cooking for me etc etc....but I have felt on a few occasions that he makes claims of either being there for me or wishing we were spending the night together but when push comes to shove it doesn't quite seem so!

You mentioned re not liking hinters...I take the hint (pun intended), I can understand why it's annoying...I just didn't want to come across too demanding...I was trying to test the waters to see if he was open to meeting up since a prior commitment early the following day had fallen through....
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 3
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Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm in
Posted: 11/6/2012 6:32:04 PM
Strawberry -I'm actually very happy with the relationship but I'm not 100% happy within myself at the moment....I've been upset about my friend, I'm totally overloaded and I feel a bit lost as regards to what I can expect/ should expect from this relationship....I worry that I'm maybe getting things confused or that I'm being unreasonable or too demanding....

I'm not delving back looking to happy times...times are happy now...I've just simply acknowledge that I don't think I've grieved properly for my friend and I think the same possibly applies to my ex...certainly it's true as regards to what I saw my friend go through.

Keen for your thoughts and advice!
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 4
Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm in
Posted: 11/6/2012 6:58:50 PM
I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the "I" and me me me me me references in your posts. Also, you played some kind of mind reading game where he was supposed to divine you needed a hug until you had to break down and get "explicit" about your expectations?

You sound incredibly high maintenance and unrealistic. I doubt anybody will measure up to your lofty bar.

You've posted previously that you were 31, but your profile claims you are 29. Why not start by getting yourself straight?
Joined: 1/24/2010
Msg: 5
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Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm in
Posted: 11/6/2012 6:59:51 PM
So you are not willing to try to meet your own emotional needs (getting therapy, dealing with the high stress level you are under, and properly grieving your loss) but you expect that your boyfriend will be able to jump in and read your mind as to what you need. Stop looking at him as your other half.
....I tend to adapt/ fit in with whatever I'm presented with...I can except people's quirks and flaws and ways of being and I modify my lifestyle to suit....
This ^^^^^ says alot. (The fact that you change who you are and how you live to fit a relationship.) Keep in mind that he is not responsible for you, YOU are responsible for yourself and your wellness. Healthy relationships are those that are between whole people. IMO, you should really make the time for therapy. Even if it means you need to cut back on classes.
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 6
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Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm in
Posted: 11/6/2012 7:11:10 PM
Well don't we refer to situations we are in and we seek help to better a situation we find ourselves in hence the I I I and it's not all been flattering towards myself...I'm trying to give an honest perspective so I can get honest answers.....

All in all I'm actually very chilled, fun loving etc but yes I worry I can't see things properly at the moment...Ie I don't know what's demanding or not ie where my expectations should be at and I'm looking for advice....

All I meant re adapting is NOT that I change who and what I am....I don't...but that I'm sensitive to the vibes I get from a person (sometimes it can be a bit of a headwreck as I can read even very subtle vibes that most people would ignore....)...anyway if for example I was dating someone who's a bit of a slow mover on the commitment side of things then I would adjust myself to this case my boyfriend has been quite vocal about his desire for commitment and so I found myself getting into that mode but then at times I feel a bit freaked out eg yesterday when I felt he didn't really understand my need for a bit of was a mighty tough day yesterday....and yes I have my period...brought on by the morning after pill...the 5 day yeah I've been feeling pretty crappy on all counts plus I haven't slept properly for days!
Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 7
Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm in
Posted: 11/6/2012 11:55:11 PM
Is it me or does anybody else here feel cheap.. dirty and down right way way too much information for me or Jack Nicholson as to handling your truth.. holey hannah banana I feel as though I'm in your intimate relationship and quite frankly it's so complicated I'd rather get ripped apart by rabid dingos... not that I haven't before but hey..
Anyway you've got so many pieces to your soap opera I'm afraid to even remotely give advice past your own insightful mention of needing therapy.... I enjoy cryptograms but I'd say you unloaded a dandy here .. You don't need a boyfriend .. you need to get your head on are not emotionally available to yourself let alone anyone else .. you need to work on becoming whole .. which is why jumping into a relationship and being of clouded thinking isn't exactly a good vantage point for you to offer yourself a decisive mind.. not sure that the guy who steps in as your rebound is a good idea.. rebounders have about a .3 % chance as the relationship is based on imbalance.. which is why people should be completely healed before they begin anew.. go get some help for your grief and to begin a dialogue of exploring and letting go emotionally for yourself .. and maybe set this relationship on the back burner until you are strong enough.. if he doesn't want to wait then he is not the one for you .. but if he does and you begin on a more balanced and emotionally solid footing it may work.. for now there is just way too much noise in you that needs to be put at rest..
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 8
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Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm in
Posted: 11/7/2012 3:36:21 AM
The gist of what I am seeing here, jlizzy, is that after you waited for three years to realize that the last guy wasn't going to work out, you are now poised to hit the dump button after a few weeks. I suggest you consider that you are likely doing this more for fear that you will repeat with another three years of going no where, than that you actually have immediate problems with this guy. It is because you really don't have any idea how to classify moment to moment experiences with this guy, that you are so upset. So I applaud your thread title, that IS your challenge.

Everyone SAYS that they will be there when you need them but if we face reality, we know that it's very rare that a crisis will hit you, at a time when your lover can easily break free and come running. Or for that matter, since we are all dynamic beings, when you have problems, it's just as possible that the other person will have problems as well, and that the problems each has will limit how each can respond to the other.

So really, we can only say over a long period of time, who does or doesn't turn out to be reliable. Even at that, sometimes a person who was so boring as to be available at all hours, will get credited for being the most caring, simply because they were available when the more deeply loving or more involved person was not.

No way to tell from what's here, what might be the real truth of all this. It could be that this guy is a bad match in the touchy feely department, or it could be that he was stressed out and full of caffeine that night. It could be that he waited patiently to have a shot at you, and that he really cares, or it could be that he had a long unrequited fantasy about you, and will now discover that you are no longer who he thought you were. Only time and experiment will tell.
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 9
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Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm in
Posted: 11/7/2012 4:26:33 AM
"..I've given my heart to someone and I feel I'm relying on him too soon to be my partner who I can call on....yet"

Demand and walk with integrity.

Sleeping with your honey, hmmm..well, i it s kind of important. When it stops working for you...leave.

Life is kooky.

You're on the right track.

Careful...slippery here.

Babysitting is a job for teenagers.

(Ooops, talking to myself here lol).

There actually are...cooler guys/girls/graycies.

I broke up with a honey, you can too. He's just not the honey for you.

disclaimer /braggert ol. I just made up,or it came to me..graycies.
Could you imagine living with the fcker? For ever?(fantasy aside).

Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 10
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Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm in
Posted: 11/7/2012 5:14:49 AM
I suspect that he carried a torch for you from afar for over four years and finally got the opportunity to fulfill the fantasy he had built in his mind. He probably didn't factor in your human nature which brought him crashing back to reality to find that you had we all do. After all, it's only been 2-1/2 months. That's really not a very long time. You both jumped into this relationship pretty fast because it sounds like you both had some emotional needs that needed fulfilled. For it to remain healthy, you both really should back up a little bit.

Based on what you wrote, you do sound kind of melodramatic and needy. He could be seeing a future of being at your beck and call and expected to run to your side and hold your hand when you're in one of "those" moods and isn't too thrilled with that prospect. I also suspect that there's a part of you that is trying to reassure yourself that he WILL be there if you need him.....and he probably would be if you weren't needing him so often or for every little sad mood you might find yourself in. Instead, you're going to burn him out of having to run to your side when his buddies are watching the game over wings and beer someplace, which is something he should be able to do once a week.

There are other ways to console yourself when you're feeling down than needing him by your side. Go shopping, go out with your girlfriends, watch a funny movie. I can guarantee if you keep pressuring him for hand-holding and hugs all the time, you're going to drive him away. An emotionally stable woman who can take care of herself and lets her man be himself (provided himself isn't some kind of a jerk, of course) is much more appealing than a clinging vine who makes a lot of emotional demands.
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 11
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Trying to see through loss to the relationship I'm in
Posted: 11/9/2012 8:36:52 AM
Thanks for the responses.....

Re adapting....I understand why many of ye read this and see a red flag in jlizzy....really all I mind is that I'm not stuck in my ways ie I can tolerate a persons quirks and ways....I tend to be quite adaptable by nature in everything work including which I view as a good thing eg when working in groups I will look for the gap that needs to be filled so if I need to take charge I can but I'm equally happy letting someone else take charge whilst I fulfill another role that gets the tasks completed. Similarly in a relationship if someone wants to take it slow/ take it easy..I can do that...but I'm a naturally very relationship oriented person so if I'm happy with someone (ie it can't just be anyone!), then I find I will happily commit to a relationship and feel quite at ease and happy playing the role of couple and doing all the couply things...I love what a relationship brings in the sense of a companion and someone to bounce ideas off of and have a laugh with. I take your views on board though....maybe it's something I should look at though I'm not overly concerned on this point....

I understand why my post might make me seem like a pain in the neck and demanding and everything else.....Really I'm not...I'm very relaxed and happy go lucky BUT I've been struggling of late due to a MASSIVE workload, the anniversary of the death of my friend etc etc and yes I do worry that I might be overly sensitive thanks to all the stuff I've gone through in the past. I can't seem to shake it which is why I'm here. I'm looking for guidence so I don't mess up a good thing....

Which is why I haven't refrained from posting here in favour of letting all of this loose on my boyfriend...I'm scared that I could send him running if I do. I have however mentioned being scared due to past experiences and being worried that I might bring my fears into our relationship...and I have communicated with him about not being there on Monday....what worries me is it turns out he was fully aware of the mental dip I had reached...he knew I was really down but given that we had spent the majority of the prior week together he made a conscious decision not to come out to me or ask me to go to him (because he didn't want to ask me to drive out despite me suggesting it...). This bothers me. It bothers me that he didn't even attempt to say "look honey I know you're upset but I'm really tired, are you ok?" It bothers me that he knowingly left me to deal with it alone.

Someone made the point that a woman should be independent and deal with her bad days on her understanding of a committed relationship is that whilst you need to be in control of your own life, you should be able to expect to ask for support....after all this wasn't a case of someone stole my whatever in the supermarket....this was a big deal for me at least that I wound up in the doctors surgery having to take emergency contraception!! I'm sure we all have different views but for me it was a very upsetting experience for a variety of reasons that my boyfriend knows better than I care to explain here.

I do agree we've moved very fast....I would have been happy to take it goes back to my point above...he kept telling me how he wants to be with me...he's been quite vocal about how I am the girl for him (bear in mind we know each other 4.5 years) which is lovely but as a result I found myself falling emotionally quite deep into this and now I realise I've got to face the fairly hard task of pulling back a fair bit.....

I was worried last week when we spent pretty much everyday together and I even asked him ....I checked was it not too much and he told me not to worry and he loved having me beside him etc day when I was supposed to go home, he asked me to come over to him which I did and we wound up spending another night together! Then on the sunday he got funny about me touching him and on the monday he didn't come out to support me....I was worried that we were overdoing the contact but he reassured me it was ok and then poof my fears came true essentially!
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