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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Sumhart14U
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 1
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
It seems that the guys I have been the most interested on here seem to always live over an hour from me. I think a Long Distance Relationship can be healthy once it is established, but what is the best way to start one from a distance?

I need advice on how to build a successful Long Distance Relationship without going crazy.

Thanks
 Red_5
Joined: 1/23/2010
Msg: 2
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/8/2012 12:14:08 PM
Sum,

I just moved back hime from Chicago and spent three years last decade comutiing 2+ hours one way to work in DC.

For both of those areas, an hour drive one way is nothing.

Even here in Birmingham, Alabama 45 minutes one way between UAB and the nuevo rich areas of north Shelby County is not unheard of.

In the UK, my brother and his wife work 4 hours apart so they only weekend together which is an improvement over the two country routine when they met.

I'm sorry all your prospects are a distance. If my economy wasn't needing enhancement, an hour one way wouldn't faze me.

Good luck!
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/8/2012 12:19:20 PM

what is the best way to start one from a distance?



Reliable transportation

Then you better get a lot out of the way sooner than later that may not be your/their best attributes.
TALK
 Stubidoo
Joined: 9/16/2012
Msg: 4
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/8/2012 12:30:06 PM

I need advice on how to build a successful Long Distance Relationship without going crazy

I think you are correct that once established, the relationship can work because you can spend weekends together, etc. However, in the beginning (during the dating cycle) it can be really tough. Driving a couple hours to have dinner etc then driving back home can really be a pain and almost everything has to be planned out well in advance. The key will be communication and sharing the responsibility and cost.
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 5
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/8/2012 12:37:47 PM
Find the right connection first !!
All else will fall into place .
 SHUDNTBEONHERE
Joined: 11/3/2012
Msg: 6
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/8/2012 1:14:09 PM
I agree, then decide if you are willing to move if things got serious or are they in a posistion to move. I know the moving questions seem serious ones right off the bat but if ether of those cant take place there is no sense in even starting long distance.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7
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Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/8/2012 1:34:29 PM
The main challenge I've seen for everyone in your position, is trying to figure your own self out.

Specifically, I recommend you have a serious talk with yourself, to try to at least guess whether you are only considering long distance out of relationship starvation, or if you really have the patience, and self-satisfaction needed to conduct one over a significant period of time. This is because, from what I've seen, willingness to drive long ways, and wait long times, tends to fall off dramatically after a very few meetings, unless there is a clear plan in place for one of the people to move closer to the other.

Long distance friendships are extremely easy and common. Long distance love, requires people who are not caught up in regular contact with each other, who's sexual hunger level is moderate enough to survive regular scheduling problems, and who are just fine not knowing what the other person is up to day to day.

Starting one is as simple as messaging someone and saying you are interested. It's the follow through that can bug you.

I do have one specific experimental suggestion: choose a location where you can see that there are people you might like to take a shot at getting to know, and then drive there every weekend for a month or two, to experiment with your tolerance of the time and distance. It's just a starting test, since your emotional response will be different after you are actually involved, but if you find it is a dreadful chore to do the test drive, chances are that doing it for a real person will only be slightly easier.
 Sumhart14U
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 8
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/8/2012 2:45:06 PM
Great advice everyone. I don't have a problem driving on the weekends for sure. I actual enjoy weekend road trips, but you are right I need to make sure that we are sharing the expense and we need to communicate. I would definitely consider moving somewhere after 6 months, since I have a plan to move from where I am by next summer anyway.

I will take all your advice into consideration for sure. This is all so new, but he seems to be the one I would actually consider putting time into knowing. Guess only time will really tell.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 9
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/8/2012 7:10:48 PM

It seems that the guys I have been the most interested on here seem to always live over an hour from me. I think a Long Distance Relationship can be healthy once it is established, but what is the best way to start one from a distance?

An hour away, in my world, isn't what I'd consider an LDR. People in huge cities can be 30 miles apart and take two hours or more to see one another, so I suppose on the note of a mere hour ~ I'd wonder what there is even to offer by means of advice.

I need advice on how to build a successful Long Distance Relationship without going crazy.

Until my current relationship, I preferred distance. And I don't mean an hour, I mean a plane ride or at least a healthy drive (over 3-4 hours for example.) The way I forged LDRs was no different than the way any other relationship begins. As has been stated, connected/mutual chemistry/time/effort/energy and a mutual desire to actually be in a relationship. I do think that "exclusivity" can be questionable (at times) when there is distance, but if both people are on the same exclusive-page ~ even that's not a big deal. The key to an LDR, in my opinion? Communication. There will be things that come up that make visits difficult, there will be cancellations, there will be more financial output (for most people involved in LDRs), etc. I found that it takes a certain type of personality to be able to forge and to be happy in LDRs. If one is needy or clingy or needs a load of "together" time? I'm not so sure a distance relationship is a good idea. And then there is the "what do we do now" stuff. What do you do if/when the relationship is ready for "the next level" should that happen? Who's moving? If one wants a live in or marriage type relationship ~ someone is going to have to relocate more than just moving across town. That is when most of the drama happens (if what I read in here is accurate.) My current SO and I were 150 miles apart. We saw one another ALLLLLLLLLLLL the time (took a lot of effort) and eventually, one of us had to move. We had discussed that possibility and the options long before we were even exclusive ~ because that's a huge thing to worry about after time/energy/emotion and effort are all tied up in one another. At any rate ~ I am a champion LDR person, but I've meet very few people who are as OK with it as I once was. I will always think communication is the best route (no matter if they live next door or in another state.) JMO
 Just___Jim
Joined: 10/21/2012
Msg: 10
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/9/2012 4:32:53 PM

I will always think communication is the best route (no matter if they live next door or in another state.) JMO


VGE, Patience is golden in finding someone who is open & honest in finding a good match of companionship & fun....

I will agree as I very seldom have meet anyone unless........... she is honest in her intentions and like wise, go for it!!!

Fortunately, I was only disappointed once, it's only happen one time with one of the heavy fora hitters here, as she went south only when I was in her neighborhood many moons ago. Oh well......

She is still a fora plus here nonetheless.....if that is far as it goes ................................

imo, if your lucky enough, in finding someone on the same friendship wave length, imo it's ALL good......


Honesty still Rule, regardless of............of the distance where a woman heart is.............who still likes to the similar.............And If not, the distance is too way to far for anyone to reach,whether it be next door or miles away! ..............jmo
 wackadoodledoo
Joined: 4/14/2011
Msg: 11
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Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/9/2012 4:49:46 PM
I met s snowbird from Canada this past Dec. We dated up until he left for Canada in early April. We have kept in close touch with Skype. I have also flown to Canada every month for 10 days. He will be returning to Fla this week. Had it not been for our close communication and monthly visits, doubt it would have worked for either of us. We made reservations together before he left in April and each visit I had a reservation to return before I left. It has worked for us and we are both looking forward to his time in Fla.We knew April until November was a long time to be separated so we had a plan in place that was acceptable to both of us.
 Just___Jim
Joined: 10/21/2012
Msg: 12
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/10/2012 2:54:42 PM

Had it not been for our close communication and monthly visits, doubt it would have worked for either of us.


so so true..............

Your commo is what it's all about with mature adults.

And if you can't trust a person next door then how can you can't trust some one 1000 miles away either?

And there is no need to be in each others face 24/7 either at first if both know you are good for each other! imo

Yet, if they do demand that 24/7, then imo it will never work.

I have met people far away, ,but as friends or lovers, the bond is always there either way.........good people are priceless.............
 AJ2517
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 13
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/10/2012 3:18:03 PM
I have experienced an hour away, a few hours away and an airplane away......Depends on each ones situation.....Not into the plane relationship anymore...If it is a few hours and you really care for that person, I would see it working...But you do need to think about it and be honest with yourself...Have to take away the warm fuzzy feelings, the great times and everything else and you need to look into the future and scenarios.....Somebody relocating is the big one......If I met someone a few hours away and loved her, I could manage the time away becuse if you love someone, you have trust and you have quality time together....I could date someone a few miles away and see them daily but would that guarantee happiness?...Nope!.....So ya, think about scenarios and be honest with yourself!!
 Stormwolf
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 14
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Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/10/2012 3:36:55 PM

I have been the most interested on here seem to always live over an hour from me


An hour? Seriously that is not true distance to reject anyone that you may find worthy of your affection.
I've been sent mail saying "their only a 3 hour flight away".. seriously! I would not consider one hour a long distance realationship unless there are trust issues or smothering issues.
 colomtman
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 15
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Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/10/2012 3:50:17 PM
well i live a long ways from anything...almost a hundred miles to a large town (150,000)... 18 miles to a small ( 6000).plus i am an old guy (63) and usually have to put in a search of over 200 miles to find women my age..so ..since 2007 all the women i dated were about 200 miles away some further...and i worked mon-friday 8-10 hours... that being said...
if they were interested we talked on the net a few times..then perhaps the phone and then a meet...it was usually a weekend thing as a 2-3 hour drive or more plus the cost of gas is a pretty hefty price for a cup of coffee...what i found i got into was weekend relationships..all failed you really do not get a chance to get to know each other...if your just spending planned weekends together...
i think you would have to consider moving at some point... i think older people are much more settleled and long distance relationship are not considered as often... but if you meet someone you think you might like...either long distance or close...get off of here and go meet them... spend a weekend... drag a friend along.. if you think you need the safety net... you should find out up front if they are willing to split the driving....and make it stick..times are tough...all the women agreed to split the driving ..but when it came down to it..they never did..always some reason.... its time and money and being away from home...for one of you ...so make sure you both are willing to share.... i think its silly to do long distance dating if your just looking to date..so you need to let the know up front..if your willing to relocate...
good luck...
 Clearsky14
Joined: 3/27/2012
Msg: 16
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/10/2012 7:48:44 PM
Gosh..I'm in a similar boat and I don't know....I just skyped with my " penpal" of four months for the first time and he has made it clear that he is interested in being more than friends. I've sort of reciprocated that feeling, but I don't know. Still haven't met the guy and won't have the opportunity to do so until he comes home at Christmas (and even then he'll be over an hour away). It will be a challenge to cultivate the relationship through the in person interactions which are especially difficult with time and money and even harder to know for sure whether it's worth it. Good luck OP and I mean that in the most sincere way. Keep us posted on how it goes.
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/10/2012 10:58:32 PM
I think since you are already planning on leaving your current location, what you are considering makes a lot of sense. Let me describe my last experience dating long distance here on POF.

I came back on here after the end of a 4 year relationship with someone I met here. I wasn't meeting anyone locally, so after 6 months I decided that since I was already retired due to disability, there was really no reason to stay here. So I planned & took a couple of trips & met several interesting men from here (& other sites). I wasa reading a thread by a girl friend here about the difficulties in dating when disabled. I saw a man who repsonded & his photo really caught my eye. So I read his profile & immeadiately added him to my favorites list. That was 2 years ago in late August. He got in touch with me, we talked every day (Yahoo & Skype). I arranged to visit him for a month in November. As soon as we met in person, we both knew. We've been married since January & are currently living together in Canada (he's originally from Idaho). We had 5 visits in that 1 & 1/2 years, 1 month each, with 2 months in between. It was incredibly difficult at times, but totally worth it!

I wish you all the rest, OP. Good luck!
 oskiesmom
Joined: 4/27/2012
Msg: 18
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Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/11/2012 2:45:52 AM
The one that got away was an LDR; 4 hours away. We had a successful relationship for 5 years until he moved over 2,000 miles away. Then I had another LDR that didn't go well at all.

Communication is key and establishing boundaries is critical. Trust will be tried, more than likely, so keep a check on your emotions. It's good that you've been talking for a few months; it sounds like the interest to have a meaningful relationship is there. Respect for each other's time is also very important. Don't get into a one-sided relationship where one takes the other's time or personal responsibilities for granted. But, an hour away isn't too far of a distance at all.

Good luck to you!
 moonbeamloveragain
Joined: 7/24/2012
Msg: 19
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/11/2012 8:41:02 AM
A good friend of mine recently started dating someone who was 2 1/2 hours away; and they are going gangbusters; they pretty much spend every weekend together, two weeks one, two weeks the other and occasional trips elsewhere to have neutral ground. They kind of bypassed the early dating stuff and jumped right into full uh dating; but for them it's gone incredibly well, and are taking their first long trip over the holidays.

I think his expectation was that it would be what it was for as long as it was rather than going in expecting it to go really well; and he just keeps getting further blown away by how well it's going.

Maybe low expectations but a lot of invested time works?

Best of luck (agree with what others have said by the way; longest distance relationship i've ever had was an hour and a half away each way; we saw a lot of each other; switched where we went and I didn't mind the drive either when it was my turn to go down there; though timing ended up being bad so we broke up after a couple months because of post divorce nasty court case between him and his ex. But during it worked out fine; though having a high gas mileage car is kind of a must... and avoiding snowstorms :)

Time, talking, flexibility and being able to curtail expectations and just be relaxed and more open, all help to have a good experience with longer distance dating.

best of luck to you.
 Sumhart14U
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 20
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/13/2012 10:00:19 AM
Again, thanks everyone for your input and I hoped this thread would help me and others think about this topic. I know an hour does sound like a lot but that is the closest person I had been talking to. The one primary interest I have is actually 2 hours away and has 2 young children that he has on his time off of work.

I really enjoy the time we steal away and get together, but I worry that I am going to want more and the distance is going to make that an issue. I am taking this one day at a time and enjoying this new exciting time in my life.

Best of luck to us all!!
 greenIsis777
Joined: 3/14/2012
Msg: 21
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/14/2012 2:08:05 PM

Long distance friendships are extremely easy and common. Long distance love, requires people who are not caught up in regular contact with each other, who's sexual hunger level is moderate enough to survive regular scheduling problems, and who are just fine not knowing what the other person is up to day to day.


this is exceptionally well put. I travel to hawaii often from canada (near half the year). never thought about having a relationship there, but I ended up meeting someone that I really like. the above description fits me perfectly. I think it has to fit you perfectly and feel right to you in order to be able to thrive in such a situation.
 excellent4you
Joined: 8/27/2012
Msg: 22
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/15/2012 9:05:03 AM
An hour away is not a long distant relationship, it is sort of a minor inconvenience but it not considered long distant.. If you are having doubts about this now, you should end it before it even starts, time, touching and talking are the key ingredients to a healthy relationship if any of these are missing the relationship is in serious jeopardy.....
 ITLN4Life
Joined: 10/12/2011
Msg: 23
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/15/2012 2:29:53 PM
it's called "virtual dating"

whole bunch of info on it here: http://virtual-date.org
 MissNoWhere
Joined: 3/29/2008
Msg: 24
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/17/2012 12:53:03 PM
My sweetie is long distance. Like really far away long distance (days travel - by plane). It's not easy, requires patience, communication and trust.

We have had to compromise on talking every day. While I am an early bird (and in turn he is a night owl) there are days where all we can do is text. When we are together we sync our time schedules. The most we can go without seeing each other (on skype) is a few days. We spend more time talking on the weekends. That said, if either of us is having a bad day all we have to do is send a message and we make sure we see each other that day.

We plan for our time together. It's not easy for either of us to have to wait to be together again, but we both know that this is just a step in our relationship. So, we both are learning a lot more patience. :-) That said, we are planning on when he'll move here, permanently. So there is an end-goal (and date) - not an open-ended hope this works one (laughing).

There are little things we do that keep the romance alive. A picture, a card, a trinket, a text with an inside meaning... little things, which have great meaning. We are both clear and realistic in our expectations. I don't expect him to always know what I'm thinking and he shares as well.

A final thing that I feel is important - we express gratitude to each other for each other, frequently. We let each other know (communication) that we treasure the time we get, that we adore each other and that while this is hard it's not going to be this way forever.

I wish he lived only an hour away - we talked about that before... and he said, if he lived an hour away he wouldn't be living an hour away - he'd happily commute that hour... :D
 Just___Jim
Joined: 10/21/2012
Msg: 25
Long Distance Online Dating...How do you do it properly?
Posted: 11/20/2012 3:17:09 PM

A final thing that I feel is important - we express gratitude to each other for each other, frequently. We let each other know (communication) that we treasure the time we get, that we adore each other and that while this is hard it's not going to be this way forever.



What a wonderful thing to have & to experience.... your both took the chance & by chance in believing, & being honest with each other, and the Key is,it's all good...... as many don't or can't get past that in latter years,or so it seems.

I'm happy for both of you & much love & success in your relationship..........
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