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Show ALL Forums  > Sex and Dating  > Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...      Home login  
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 rainbowcolors
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 1
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I met this man last weekend and we hit it off. He is the only one with a car at the moment which means the traveling is done by him. We've arranged for a second date this upcoming weekend, but the problem is I am not comfortable inviting him into my home since my kids don't know him, but he is okay with it. While joking about giving me a massage the next time we meet I told him it wouldn't happen with my kids at home, so he suggested a hotel. To me a hotel seems sleazy and cheesy.

Since my date will have to make a 2-hour round trip to see me, how can we spend quantity and quality time together without having him over? I am sure I won't be ready for sex because it's too soon. What's the best way to politely deal with a situation like this?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 2
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History
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 5:13:37 PM
Dinner and a walk is a good second date.

A man who pushed sex and/or coming to my house, would not get a second date.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 3
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 5:29:58 PM
rainbowcolors, simply suggest an alternate and very PUBLIC venue for your second date.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 4
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 5:33:40 PM
Dating with children is difficult which is why many of us choose not to do that until are children are older.

That said, I wouldn't bring anyone into my home who I wasn't comfortable in having there. He knew when arranging this date that there would be the issue of driving and therefore that doesn't equal a free pass to your home or anything else until you are certain that you want to extend that invitation.

Communicate clearly and then you are both making informed decisions about whether or not to move forward with this date. If his goals for the date don't equal yours, he is equally entitled to make an informed decision before driving for that period of time.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 5
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 5:43:18 PM
I am not comfortable inviting him into my home since my kids don't know him, but he is okay with it. While joking about giving me a massage the next time we meet I told him it wouldn't happen with my kids at home, so he suggested a hotel.... Since my date will have to make a 2-hour round trip to see me, how can we spend quantity and quality time together without having him over?


a douchebag with no compunctions. this man isn't interested in quality time with you. he's interested in taking you for whatever he can get. he doesn't even care if the kids can hear the headboard banging thru the walls. "mommy what was that noise". wake up and start looking out for yourself, or let your fingers do the walking... check super 8 and ASK HIM IF HE WILL PICK UP 1/2 THE COST OF A BABYSITTER.

your choice


p.s. this should be deleted, but not for the reason listed.
file under SHOULD BE OBVIOUS.
 pescando75
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 6
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 5:53:35 PM
^^^ Read that again if it didn't sink in, OP. ^^^
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 7
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 6:26:22 PM
Op,you're 39 years old..............i cant believe you're even thinking of seeing this guy again - UGH!!?

Blind Freddy can see that he's only looking to get laid.
**Full stop**

He couldn't care less that you've only just met or that you have children,.........you could be "anybody".
Can you honestly not see all the proverbial Red Flags ???(so oft mentioned in these Forums.)
 GarnerGirl71
Joined: 2/10/2012
Msg: 8
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History
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 6:26:58 PM
He doesn't want a date. He wants a booty call. Guys like that will keep pushing harder and harder if they think they will get their way. If you are dealing with manipulative and controlling by this point in the relationship (for lack of a better word) just imagine what it will be like in a few months, if he even comes back around after he gets what he wants.
 Stubidoo
Joined: 9/16/2012
Msg: 9
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 6:30:34 PM

a douchebag with no compunctions.

Some of you really need to take a break...
 rainbowcolors
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 10
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 6:55:40 PM
Dating with children is difficult which is why many of us choose not to do that until are children are older.

My older child is fifteen which means there is someone to watch my younger one.


That said, I wouldn't bring anyone into my home who I wasn't comfortable in having there. He knew when arranging this date that there would be the issue of driving and therefore that doesn't equal a free pass to your home or anything else until you are certain that you want to extend that invitation.

Good point. A part of me feels guilty because he has such a long drive and has to make all the effort. But as others have already pointed out there are some red flags.


Communicate clearly and then you are both making informed decisions about whether or not to move forward with this date. If his goals for the date don't equal yours, he is equally entitled to make an informed decision before driving for that period of time.

What is interesting is he has three kids and this week is his week to have them. He doesn't talk about them, but has hinted at sleeping over because of the 'long' drive. I am 100% certain he would not introduce me to his children who are 18, 11, and 9.


Dinner and a walk is a good second date. A man who pushed sex and/or coming to my house, would not get a second date.


He's made it clear that he doesn't want a short date (due to the drive) which means finding ways to spend time together without coming to my home. It annoys me when men ask to sleep over because it puts me and my kids in a very uncomfortable position.
 TAWT
Joined: 10/10/2012
Msg: 11
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 7:02:09 PM
Some of you really need to take a break...

One presumes one is speaking for oneself.
Really the guy's motivations are pretty transparent.
Or were you working on hanging onto your mancard.
Good job.


It annoys me when men ask to sleep over because it puts me and my kids in a very uncomfortable position.

It should annoy you. Who invites themselves to spend the night?
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 12
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Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 7:08:44 PM

It annoys me when men ask to sleep over because it puts me and my kids in a very uncomfortable position.

Why would you feel uncomfortable about telling what is basically a perfect stranger he can't sleep at your house.....
if the kids weren't there......would you let him stay?

I don't get where an hour drive is so damn long that he (or you for that matter) feels a sleep over is necessary.
I drive an hour just to go to dinner all the time.

as for making the date longer......there are plenty of things to do that will kill some time.......go to the zoo or a museum or art gallery.....

me thinks it sounds like alot of execuses just to get you in private ....especially since you have such a hard time saying No and he's figured that out already!
 Irish Eyez
Joined: 12/30/2008
Msg: 13
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 7:11:12 PM
It annoys me when men ask to sleep over because it puts me and my kids in a very uncomfortable position.

What? Why is it uncomfortable? It shouldn't be IF you have healthy boundaries! You need to draw yours!

It appears you're a push-over, OP.
 SSC-SAF
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 14
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 7:11:40 PM

I am not comfortable inviting him into my home since my kids don't know him, but he is okay with it.


OF COURSE he's "okay with it". He's guilting you into a flagrant booty call and he just has to make a little drive to get what he wants. Do you think he really wants to see YOU, or the expectation of easy nooky?

:headdesk:


(Nothing wrong with easy nooky if you're into that too, but it doesn't sound like you and he are on the same page here.)
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 15
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History
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 7:11:53 PM
That's ridiculous.

An hour each way is nothing. If he doesn't want to go on a date, tell him to stay home.

The man in my life lives 200 miles away, and he asked me for dinner for our first date. After a few phone conversations, I said if he could find a place to stay, I'd be happy to make myself available for more than just dinner. So, he got a hotel room and we went for a hike the next day.

He then proceeded to stay at a hotel for the first three months or so of our relationship every time he came to see me, every other weekend.

How you can take a guy seriously who behaves the way your "date" does is beyond me. If you want a booty call, go for it, but this guy is not interested in you for any more than that.
 rainbowcolors
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 16
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 7:22:52 PM
as for making the date longer......there are plenty of things to do that will kill some time.......go to the zoo or a museum or art gallery.....

me thinks it sounds like alot of execuses just to get you in private ....especially since you have such a hard time saying No and he's figured that out already!


Good tips (I have trouble saying 'no' because his request is not a common one!). The museum is close by and I haven't been to it yet. So it would be a good first experience for both he and I, but I have a feeling if I decline his self-invitation to come over the date won't happen which will ease the pressure here. In addition to all of this he also asked me to take my profile down while on our first date. The funny thing is he still kept his up and in his profile he makes it clear he does not want a controlling woman, yet kind of behaves like the person he does not want to be with.

I need to stand my ground and will. If I want a booty call, there are locals for that but don't really have an interest without a person investing their time in me as I want to in them.


The man in my life lives 200 miles away, and he asked me for dinner for our first date. After a few phone conversations, I said if he could find a place to stay, I'd be happy to make myself available for more than just dinner. So, he got a hotel room and we went for a hike the next day.

He then proceeded to stay at a hotel for the first three months or so of our relationship every time he came to see me, every other weekend.

I don't think this lucky scenario is common. The man in your life took time and patience to get to know you. He saw something in you that is very special and wanted to hold on to that. Your story makes me smile...!

He's guilting you into a flagrant booty call and he just has to make a little drive to get what he wants. Do you think he really wants to see YOU, or the expectation of easy nooky?

Well said. 'Guilting' me is the word I was looking for but couldn't think of!
 gcdeb
Joined: 4/25/2011
Msg: 17
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 11:17:19 PM
No way, no how, never ever ever would I invite a man into my house after only meeting him one time ESPECIALLY if my children were there.

If you aren't sensible enough to think of your own safety, think of your children's safety.

This man is still a STRANGER to you. You barely know him.
 BoonDockSaint73
Joined: 3/29/2010
Msg: 18
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/14/2012 11:21:58 PM
OP... have him get a room...

duh...

if you decide to lay with him...then yall do it in the room...then you go home..

then come over for breakfast the next morning...


simple, yes ?


if you choose NOT to lay with him

you go home alone...
 HeartOn64
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 19
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/15/2012 2:55:32 AM
How about if he wants to date her and is willing to drive an hour everytime,knowing full well she doesn't have a car,or money to pay for his hotel,and that she has kids that he shouldn't meet yet,he should either plan on taking her out on a date and either driving home or paying for his own hotel room.It's not her problem to pay for his after date plans.She isn't obligated to do anything because he's choosing to drive the hour to see her.

If it's all too much for him to drive that far,pay for his own hotel,not assume he's owed sex this soon,or that she's not comfortable with him meeting her kids yet,maybe he should not bother to date women an hour away without a car and with kids.

That being said,I realize that people are on guard about men and act as though they are all potential predators,but really,women can be no less of a risk to meet in private places.

I was in your same shoes OP.The man who I decided to date lived and hour away too.I let him know that I would not be doing any of the driving as I could not leave my kids for that long.He said he didn't mind the drive.Ok then...come on by.I didn't intend on having sex,but I also invited him to stay over on our first date,which btw was at my home where he made dinner together.He hung out,had alot of fun and laughed and had a couple of beers and I found myself feeling very comfortable with him.He did not come to my home presuming he was going to get laid but there came a time when it just felt right to engage sexually with him.

I had a studio at the time,away from my house,and my kids had gone to sleep,and we had some fun in there.
He stayed the night as I had offered before he even got there and I didn't even wake up dead! lol

We have been happily living together for almost 4 years.Now....I realize most people live in fear based realities in regards to men,but believe me,everyone is a stranger you might be risking you life on,until you give them half a chance to prove they are trustworthy and conscience bound.

We decided to take an even bigger chance on eachother and he stayed permanently.
Within 2 weeks,he had visitation with his 2 young kids and they came and stayed the weekend with my kids and it's been ALL GOOD ever since.

Without risking oneself,one lives in sheltered paranoia.

And btw...OP....you claim HE wants to come over for sex.....Uh....I'd say that was up to YOU...not him!

 HeartOn64
Joined: 5/31/2012
Msg: 20
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/15/2012 3:14:07 AM
Most likely....it's the rare few men who will actually stick around once you let your guards down and not just use you for sex and bail.I got lucky.(pun intended)
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 6/8/2011
Msg: 21
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/15/2012 6:26:26 AM

What if he doesn't want to date her and do all of the work and bear all of the expense and inconenience, most of which is her problem, not his? If the roles were reversed, women would be laughing their asses off thinking that a guy would expect a woman to do all of that.


Not true. I drove almost an hour all the time for a couple years because my work schedule was different than his. For him to drive to me would have cut two hours out of the time we had together.

OP .. an hour drive is nothing. A lot of people drive almost that to and from work everyday. It doesn't seem to me to be a good reason to feel the need to stay over.
 That_girl*
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 22
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/15/2012 7:36:09 AM

TheTruthSon

Prediction; He will have sex with you, then make another trip down a week or so later to have sex with you again, then he will confess the travel time is just to much of an obstacle and his vehicle is not fuel efficient


me thinks this too ^^^

also i agree with the others he is trying to push his way on you the whole guilt trip thing,,an your right you said he doesnt want a controlling woman yet he acts just like a controlling person he is a hypocrite..

suggest other ideas to him that sound more date like instead of a getting a motel..somebody living a hour away would be pushing the max for me to want to meet..but to some others distance an gas is nothing..

its safe to say that if he is going to be traveling over 10miles in his mind im sure he expects something to cover his time an effort for the drive "your body an bed"...

if you want to have some alone time to see where things lead then go head an get a room,

otherwise put your foot down with the words an actions of NO or flip it around on him just to see what he would say,,be like oh ya know i could come to you an how bout i stay at your place? just to see how he may react.. im sure that would throw his game plan off..
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 23
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/15/2012 7:53:44 AM
If you believe this guy is taking you to a hotel for a "massage" you better think twice. He's just hoping to get laid, make no mistake about that. He's not driving for 2 hours for a back rub.

Unless you REALLY like this guy, I'd be inclined to not take it any further. 95% of long distance relationships don't work, so why waste your time?
 deerdog1
Joined: 12/29/2006
Msg: 24
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/15/2012 9:37:57 AM

Most likely....it's the rare few men who will actually stick around once you let your guards down and not just use you for sex and bail.I got lucky.(pun intended)


im not sure ..maybe its the few guys that are just using women for sex that make women so paranoid that the good guys that would have stuck around once you let your guard down ..all think that the woman is completely crazy so they run too
or it could be the women that sleep with you but before you make the last stroke are picking out china patterns.. lol

i went on a date one time ..talk about chemistry there was no saying no on part of either of us ..the sex was fantastic ..im thinking this is what I been looking for .when I left her place I couldnt wait to get home and call her for a second date ..well she invited me back to her house the next evening ..when I walked in things had changed ..it was like we were already married and she was ..in charge .. I put up with this for a little while then I had to go to bathroom ..in there on her vanity was my own tooth brush ,razor .and other toiletries labeled with my name ..along with towels monogrammed with my initials ..i dont think she even saw me when I went by her headed out the door at a full run..well next week it was all over how I had played her for sex ..go figure
 Reg_Herring
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 25
Date lives 1 hr away & wants to come over for sex, but I have kids...
Posted: 11/15/2012 9:43:33 AM
a douchebag with no compunctions.



Blind Freddy can see that he's only looking to get laid.



He doesn't want a date. He wants a booty call.


Am I even *READING* the same thread as you jaded cynics? *WHERE* do you come up with this stuff?


But as others have already pointed out there are some red flags.


What "red flags" might those be, OP? That he jests about taking you to a motel room for a massage? If you're uncomfortable with a conversation, say so TO HIM; don't come here and make stuff up after the fact...


It annoys me when men ask to sleep over because it puts me and my kids in a very uncomfortable position.


Just as I'm sure that it annoys him that he has to pussy-foot around you and jump through hoops just for the privilege of your company...

Proof that there's intelligent life out there: it's never tried to contact us.
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