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Show ALL Forums  > Off Topic  > When they ask you how many people are you talking to?      Home login  
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 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 2
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
"Am I the only girl you are talking to?"

Then tell him that you do not want to know. Tell him that you know that most men email a ton of women. Women get email from a ton of men. Both talk to a series of people, and even when they want to eventually arrive at a single monogamous relationship, you meet and talk to a lot of people. Tell him that you would prefer to keep that information private. Now if you start going out, or become intimate, all the cards are on the table. But until then, you would prefer not to talk about it.

I am all for transparency and trust. But there's a time and place when that information is revealed.
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 6
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 1:02:57 PM
I am talking to 1 other man. Strictly platonic and we havent even met. I just don't understand why people ask me this question. Honestly I don't care to know how many dates you went on last week if you are not my boyfriend. I'm just so annoyed right now :(


People like to know where they stand. If you're here looking for a relationship, then that's what you want, not just random dates.

Any other guy you're dating is potentially the person you end up with instead of them, which could lead to the feeling of having their time wasted or being used.

You don't have to only talk to one person at a time, you don't have to only date one person at a time... But you owe to everyone involved to be honest with them and let them know exactly where they stand.

Also remember, you're not the first person who's used some random excuse. You're not the first person who's acted a certain way. A lot more of us know when there's another guy involved than most women think... When you always respond to us quickly, no matter what you're doing, then suddenly you don't and it's because "I was out at a restaurant" when the night before you were texting us from a restaurant, we know it was a guy... Also because so many women out there are magically completely incapable of responding to a guy AT ALL (including guys with an already established friendship, and sometimes even family) when they're dating a guy, random silence for an extended period of time is VERY obvious.

I went a little off topic and addressed some women in general and not you at all, but you probably get my point.
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 7
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 1:03:20 PM
Before the thread is deleted.... it's none of their business. Bub-bye!
 femaleconnection
Joined: 8/12/2010
Msg: 9
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 1:12:39 PM
Upon being asked this, my answer was 'one less now'.

I mean, I talk to men ALL the time. I dont keep count and it is none of anyone else's business. I know many think its a good ice breaker but after the millionth time being asked, it gets pretty stupid.

Talking does not = meeting or dating.

Talking usually just weeds them out.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 10
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When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 1:29:31 PM
We all have our own trerrrible habits. The ones that lots do are annoying, but I'd guess that unique and appalling habits are also hard to take.

The guys are just being nervous. Its on their mind while it should be obvious it is no more their business than what brands of feminine protection are in the vanity. No one has told them its along the lines of asking a stranger in Burger King, "are you going to eat the rest of those fries- cause you spilt sugar on them- and I like them that way."

For me, part of the problem is hesitations in discussions or chat (not that I use that feature much )o. ..but when I do talk to highschool buds or whoever and there are long breaks its tempting to ask, "am I part of a octupussianmultitask - like five chats, a cam and a live show for the neighboors?".. just let guys know why breaks occur. AFK is bad in League and POF.
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 11
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 1:38:24 PM

I mean, I talk to men ALL the time. I dont keep count and it is none of anyone else's business. I know many think its a good ice breaker but after the millionth time being asked, it gets pretty stupid.


I think the question in the OP was more of "how many guys are you talking to with the intention of possibly leading up to dating".

Again, that number is nobody's business. But if a guy has competition, it's nice to let him know. (and guys should do the same for women)

Make sure you're both on the same page when it comes to dating and everything. Way too many people waste their time on someone to get blown off on a date to finally get an explanation a few days later of "I have a bf/gf now". Nobody would be asking you guys that stuff if you would just communicate. You'd be amazed at how much one simple sentence can accomplish.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 12
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When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 1:53:41 PM
Girls telling us about the competition is idiotic and manipulative. Don't be curious. Don't ask. It is not polite for them to tell us. If they were on the same page wrt to dating they'd be guys, or our brother. Great communication does not need anything like The Inquistion.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 13
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 2:07:20 PM
First of all, let's not delete this threat. It can have some really valuable perspectives.


I think the question in the OP was more of "how many guys are you talking to with the intention of possibly leading up to dating".


And so. Until you actually meet. Until you develop into some degree of intimacy, where each person want to move to a more exclusive situation, the question is not warranted. It reads more of trying to be a control freak, than really looking for answers.
 moon_breeze
Joined: 10/10/2012
Msg: 18
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 2:37:11 PM
I agree, it's no one's business. You can talk or date as many as you feel comfortable with-I just assume the guys I date are seeing others, and I don't feel like it should be brought up until it seems like there's actual compatibility and exclusivity-it wouldn't be called exclusive and need a talk if everyone just dated one person.

But someone actually says, "talking to" This is a dating site-it's meant for you to talk to people, decide who to meet, who to date, and who is RIGHT for you-not just who is THERE.
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 19
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 2:45:37 PM
I don't see it as controlling, more of a "thank your past" type of thing.

At one time, we actually only dated one person at a time and gave them a chance to see what they're like before we moved on. When you're talking to and dating more than one person, it brings up the question of "what was the other person for?" Were you really interested in the chance of something forming from it, or was he just free dinner, or was he texts and phone calls the guy you like better could accidentally find out about to make him more aggressive?

Honestly, I see not being able to tell someone else from the start that they're not the only person is showing that you have something to hide. If you're talking to and dating other people, but that individual person has an equal shot as the rest, then you should have no problem telling them the truth.

And not just that, who wants to invest time dating someone just for them to end up with someone else? A lot of people want to know this stuff because they don't want to waste their time hoping that they're the better choice out of the other 5.

When it comes to taking that step towards dating, you need to treat it differently than just randomly having conversations with people on a dating site.

And the same comes up when it comes to only talking. We're not here for friends, you don't go to a dating site because you want a new friend, you go to a dating site because you want to date. And people don't want to waste their time. If you're already dating a few other people, odds are, they're going to have the priority in your life, so the new guy isn't going to get anywhere with you.

I agree, it's a messed up question to ask, but I can see exactly where they're coming from with it. It's just another case where if everyone was just open and honest with people, it would have never got this far.
 Eagle Fish
Joined: 7/14/2009
Msg: 20
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 2:50:29 PM

I am confused..When you start talking to someone on the phone, do you have to delete your profile and cut off everyone else you have had convos with. I get asked constantly " Am I the only guy you are talking to"? I never ask a guy this question, its just reeks of insecurity.....I have not even met this person yet but he seems concerned with being put on the back burner..Please help!!


I get answered this by women not by guys. I would tell them the truth. No you don’t have to delete your profile and cut off everyone else you have had conversations with. You have not even done a first meet and greet.
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 22
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 3:38:50 PM

Yeah, when I first joined and was talking to several guys at the same time, trying to narrow my search down. I was asked that question too. And I answered that no that he wasn't the only person I was talking to. This one guy still managed to continue to talk to me and now we're good friends and hoping to meet one day.


And this is exactly why I think people ask. It's a dating site, we're here to date. Who wants to waste their time chasing someone that might be just about to decide to only go for one guy?

If it wasn't always such a surprise with blowing off dates because you suddenly have a boyfriend, I don't think that question would ever realistically come up. But if women want to play the numbers game, then they have to take the negative that comes with it.
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 23
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When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 4:01:56 PM
Things have changed over the last several decades. Somehow people moved away from dating numerous individuals and only "going steady" if things were actually getting serious. Some people do not want to go out with someone if they are still dating. I don't really get this and it has nothing to do with playing the odds or some shit.

You date whoever you are dating until you don't want to date anyone else. Some people think the term dating means sleeping with people. Others don't figure they are dating until they aren't dating anyone else or whatever, idk.

If someone asks you, there is one thing you don't like about them. Your option to keep talking until you figure out if there are things you like about the person. If you find that all guys who ask you this at some point turn you off that's an easy way to weed out people you don't want to be around.

Personally, it sparks of wanting some kind of guarantee, the type of person that does or works for something only if he/she is going to get something out of it. Someone can't pass a pleasant evening and not wind up in a relationship?
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 24
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 4:35:48 PM
lol.. i had a guy ask me how many men am i talking to.. and at that time.. I think i said HI to about 10 that week.. so i said.. 10.. and he was gone..


Jeez..if we must be monogamous from the word hi.. I am screwed.. and not in a fun way.. :))
 supplygoodguy
Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 25
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 4:46:59 PM
I can't believe you actually give this crap head space.. you better develop a thicker skin.. because real relationships require balls.. and you're asking questions that common sense and initiative should resolve.. block and delete.. giving valueless communication is a waste of time in your life.. don't waste my life .. don't waste yours..
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 27
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 5:55:03 PM

if a guy has competition, it's nice to let him know. (and guys should do the same for women)

Why would anyone think they didn't have competition? It's personal until you're talking a few times - and no answer is fine, telling them you're not going to answer it is fine and "no one special" is also sufficient. I always assume there are other women someone's talking to especially in a first or second conversation; it's common sense there would be - why even ask?
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 28
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 7:29:27 PM

Upon being asked this, my answer was 'one less now'.


I just giggled.

"If" I was ever asked this question, I'm pretty sure I could come with a smarta s s comment that would pretty well eliminate any further conversation, or on the other hand, I may find someone with an actual sense of ha ha. I don't think all men require the need to "know" of the "competition" out there. At my age, I'm happy enough that a female took the time to even chat with me, or had a coffee, or share a meal together,or. Oooops, never mind. If it came to the next thing on my list, I'm pretty sure I would jumping up and down doing flips,after I had a smoke of course.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 29
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 8:08:50 PM

"Am I the only girl you are talking to?"

When I was single and attempting to do the online stuff, I figured out that right after "What do you do for a living?" came "How many children do you have?" and then? "How's this online thing going for you?" I generally tried not to state the glaring obvious, but really? How's the online thing going for me? Hmmm. "I'm in a long term committed relationship, head over heals in love, can't wait to marry this man and have 2.5 of his children." would have been my sarcastic answer, but tooooooooooooooooooo many have NO sense of irony/sarcasm or humor, so I refrained. I guess maybe I think literally, but if I was still here, didn't it stand to reason it wasn't going all that terrific? At any rate ~ I too was plagued with the "How many men are you communicating with?" silliness and I had never deviated from my answer: "Why do you ask?" 99.9% of the time I got silence as an answer. I believe one time I did hear, "Because I don't do competition." I never, not one time, asked anyone that question. Personally? I wouldn't answer it ~ it's no one's business until it becomes their business and that's a ways after you actually meet for real. JMO
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 30
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/16/2012 8:14:54 PM

You are the sock to my shoe, the toothpaste to my toothbrush....the toilet paper to my toilet.''



Thank the pig.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 39
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When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/17/2012 8:27:49 AM
I find that a good time to weed them out, I won't want to be meeting a man who's that intrusive right from the state. For me it's not a ...oh what should I do now...it's a bye, that's none of your business at this point in talking.
 ICtheLite
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 40
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When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/17/2012 9:22:12 AM
OP - Asked and answered many times and I just tell the truth b/c I don't think it should matter. My line of thought is that if it matters that much to them they are probably not someone I'd get along with anyway. The one that bothers me is "Are you seeing anyone?" to which my standard reply is "If I was we wouldn't be talking."

Maybe I'm a little old school but as long as someone is willingly to answer questions I have openly, I will return in like kind. Isn't the point to get to know the other person?? I guess I wouldn't blew that question out of proportional unless other questions or comments led you to believe the guy had jealousy or insecurity issues.
 SweetLilGTP
Joined: 10/22/2010
Msg: 41
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/17/2012 11:02:35 AM

OP - Asked and answered many times and I just tell the truth b/c I don't think it should matter. My line of thought is that if it matters that much to them they are probably not someone I'd get along with anyway. The one that bothers me is "Are you seeing anyone?" to which my standard reply is "If I was we wouldn't be talking." Maybe I'm a little old school but as long as someone is willingly to answer questions I have openly, I will return in like kind. Isn't the point to get to know the other person?? I guess I wouldn't blew that question out of proportional unless other questions or comments led you to believe the guy had jealousy or insecurity issues.


Add another vote to ^ that camp.

*shrugs*

Tell it like it is right.
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 42
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/17/2012 11:07:43 AM

Why would anyone think they didn't have competition? It's personal until you're talking a few times - and no answer is fine, telling them you're not going to answer it is fine and "no one special" is also sufficient. I always assume there are other women someone's talking to especially in a first or second conversation; it's common sense there would be - why even ask?


This isn't just normal every day conversation that you have while you're randomly out at the store. This is a site where there's people looking specifically for relationships, looking specifically for something long-term.

Leaving out the people who just have to know for no reason, or the one's who expect everyone to only talk to them:
It's about wasting someone's time. If someone is looking for something long term, and it's more likely that you're going to end up with a different guy, this is the stuff people need to know... Because someone looking for something long term isn't looking to just casually date you until you decide some other guy is your boyfriend, or just be friends. Either you're giving HIM the shot at a relationship, or he wants to find someone else who is going to. And this might come as a big surprise, but most people expect being exclusive VERY EARLY in dating. Dating another person shows a lack of interest... A lot of people assume that if a second date happens, you're committed to trying to make something work with that specific person, otherwise, you're just wasting their time.

Again, I'm sure that if everyone learned how to actually be honest and communicate with each other, nobody would ever ask questions like that... But since the cool thing to do now is to just leave everyone completely in the dark, is it any surprise that questions like that are suddenly coming up from people?
 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 43
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/17/2012 12:32:54 PM

This isn't just normal every day conversation that you have while you're randomly out at the store.

It is for me - I'd chat, and meet those I found interesting. If it goes somewhere, fine. If not, then fine. While I have been open to relationships most of my life, I don't seek. I'm not one to measure up everything male as a potential partner. To me there's more to life than that. Dating to me isn't a business plan. I don't react well to those I meet who are on a mission to become part of a couple either.

This is a site where there's people looking specifically for relationships, looking specifically for something long-term.

Yeah, uh huh. Anyway, you have a point here. This is a place where people are eating, sleeping, breathing the chance to meet and settle down. So all the more they should expect others to be talking to not only them, but other people. I believe it's more common than not that people are chatting to more than one person, especially in the first few e-mails and meet or two.

Leaving out the people who just have to know for no reason, or the one's who expect everyone to only talk to them:
It's about wasting someone's time.

Eliminating those people leaves who exactly? People who are OK with knowing on a dating site that as a default people tend to talk to more than one in early stages, correct?

If someone is looking for something long term, and it's more likely that you're going to end up with a different guy, this is the stuff people need to know... Because someone looking for something long term isn't looking to just casually date you until you decide some other guy is your boyfriend, or just be friends.

To me anyway, dating is going along with what works until it doesn't. In the first couple conversations you won't know if you're going to end up with this guy, another guy, or no guy. It's a tad bit tough to give them a head's up when you yourself don't know - especially before meeting in person.

Either you're giving HIM the shot at a relationship, or he wants to find someone else who is going to. And this might come as a big surprise, but most people expect being exclusive VERY EARLY in dating.

Yep, that usually is a big surprise, unless you've been told you have six months to live I don't see the big rush.

Dating another person shows a lack of interest... A lot of people assume that if a second date happens, you're committed to trying to make something work with that specific person, otherwise, you're just wasting their time.

I will say that for me, a second date means we've e-mailed (if it started online) done phone calls/texts and met, and already been on a first date. So yeah, I wouldn't agree to a second date if I wasn't interested in knowing more about this person as somewhat of a priority. I wouldn't, however be shutting down my accounts and announcing to the public I was off the market.

Again, I'm sure that if everyone learned how to actually be honest and communicate with each other, nobody would ever ask questions like that... But since the cool thing to do now is to just leave everyone completely in the dark, is it any surprise that questions like that are suddenly coming up from people?

You call it in the dark, I call it naive. To me someone who's not talking to anyone else is rare, so asking a person you're talking to if they are would be kind of redundant. I assume they are until we're knowing each other a little better.
 Aardente
Joined: 11/2/2012
Msg: 44
When they ask you how many people are you talking to?
Posted: 11/17/2012 12:37:24 PM
Yeah, I have no problems asking that question - seems a legit question to me, no problems answering it either.

If I was talking to a woman and she was talking to twenty other guys, I would include that in my 'calculations' about them i.e. whether I wanted to continue talking.
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