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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to w      Home login  
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 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 1
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?Page 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I started a pretty successful thread on the dating forum asking why men become sexually aggressive very soon when dating. In my experience, it's anywhere from first contact, to first or second date, even when they say they are looking for a relationship. Anyway, we got a bit off topic when some men began saying that women do not realize that men want different things in a mate than women. However, no one was specific as to what these things are. They just listed the things that women want that men don't care about, like emotional closeness, companionship, economic stability....

The main reason I am curious about this is because I have long been looked at by men as a sexual object when we first meet. However, when I finally do find a man that treats me with more respect, I begin to fall for him, and he won't commit. Lately, I can't get a boyfriend, but previously I was dumped by a boyfriend of four years, and a boyfriend of two years, with no marriage proposals. I'd like to think I'd understand men better seeing as though they are supposedly "simpler" than woman. However, they do not open up about their feelings like women do. They lie to spare our feelings, and clam up when talking about relationship issues. So, please help with some HONEST answers guys! Who knows, girls who read this may actually end up giving you what you want :-) Thanks!

Also, please don't lie and say you just want sex....many, many men have had sex with women they had no intentions of being serious with!
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 2
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 5:23:11 PM
However, when I finally do find a man that treats me with more respect, I begin to fall for him, and he won't commit. Lately, I can't get a boyfriend, but previously I was dumped by a boyfriend of four years, and a boyfriend of two years, with no marriage proposals.


Since it takes two to tango, a man must be feeling like getting married to you if there is ever going to be a marriage.

Some men may have decided NOT to get married to anyone, despite what they may say in profiles or while whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

Some men may be searching for the elusive perfect match "soulmate" before they would even consider it.

Some men may decide they enjoy having you as a girlfriend but not as a wife.

Read "Why Men Are The Way They Are" for much cultural background about how many men were conditioned from childhood by advertising to seek the "Stepford Wife" type,
and others perceive marriage to one woman as giving up their innate quest for always being "available" if a Bo Derek or Angelina Jolie were to show up.


So, please help with some HONEST answers guys! Who knows, girls who read this may actually end up giving you what you want :-) Also, please don't lie and say you just want sex...

Ok, I don't need to lie anyhow. I want physical attraction first, and for me a big part of that is fitness. I like to hike up a hill behind a fit woman and see her body move, it actually helps me up the hill myself...


I can tell when I guy is orchestrating time for us to be alone so we can have sex, like taking me out to the parking lot during a first date, not to say goodbye, but so he can begin running the bases. It sends the signal that sex is the only thing they are looking for, and I find it disrespectful. Most guys who talk to me ONLY talk about sex, sexual experiences, how hot I am....I'd like to have more to talk about than that and it makes me VERY uncomfortable! Sorry, you got me started on something that has been very frustrating to me.

Dang girl! LEARN TO APPRECIATE ATTENTION FROM AN INTERESTED MAN!
THIS IS THE DAM PRIME OF YOUR LIFE! Enjoy the attention and take your part of the responsibility for what goes on! Block the crude ones and upgrade your picker for better ones.

You cannot control everything about how a man relates to you, it is NOT all about YOU or all up to you.

Finding and Maintaining a compatible long-term SO RELATIONSHIP IS
the second greatest challenge in life for all,
since success there requires SHARING about 50% power/control/compromises/mutual respect with another imperfect human being like yourself... S
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 4
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 5:30:21 PM
Again, I hate to be picky, but these answers are very non-specific. Imagine if I told you that in order to get a job, you have to be the best person for that job, whereas have a Master's degree, have ten years experience, etc. helps you out more. I even listed several characteristics that women look for....respect, companionship, financial stability.......
 im_a_rockstar
Joined: 12/29/2011
Msg: 5
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 5:37:07 PM
It's not always sex first. We can tell quick if someone is worth going for or if sex is the only thing we'd be interested in.

Mainly it comes down to your personality and the kind of person you are. If you're too aggressive sexually, then we're going to see you as a sex toy, but if you're at the other extreme, we're going to see you as not being emotionally capable of something serious.

We're all human, we all look for the same companionship. Too many women though, have this idea that sex is the way to attract us. Now, I'm not gonna lie, almost every guy LOVES sex, if you're attractive, and you're offering it, we're your best friend, but that's what we're going to see you as, sex.

We look for stability, someone we can trust, those of us capable of handling a relationship with RL existing want to still have our freedom and friends... We want someone that we actually want to spend that time with.

So basically, the thing that makes a girl become "girlfriend material" is having the personality and lifestyle that we're looking for in another person. Then for marriage, a lot of guys tend to look for stability, life goals, basically, someone that we actually want to spend the rest of our life with.
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 7
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 5:42:23 PM

within the relationship and we are looking for chemistry with that person, which is simply sexual attraction in the beginning. I feel that you're confusing sexual attraction with respect. One can demonstrate both at the same time.


I agree that you have to have sexual attraction in the beginning. I CAN'T force myself to like someone I'm not sexually attracted to beyond just a friend. What I' talking a about is, sending me pictures of their genitals for the initial contact, asking me what skills I have in the bedroom the first time we chat. asking me to send them pictures of my ass the first time we talk, or asking me to go back to their place on the first or second date...I can tell when I guy is orchestrating time for us to be alone so we can have sex, like taking me out to the parking lot during a first date, not to say goodbye, but so he can begin running the bases. It sends the signal that sex is the only thing they are looking for, and I find it disrespectful. Most guys who talk to me ONLY talk about sex, sexual experiences, how hot I am....I'd like to have more to talk about than that and it makes me VERY uncomfortable! Sorry, you got me started on something that has been very frustrating to me.
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 9
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 5:48:43 PM

For me personally, wife material would be an incredibly patronising woman who loves nothing better than to beat me with negative gender stereotypes.


Sorry, if you felt like that is what I was doing, just sharing my experiences. I realize that I have things I may have to change, because I have met some great guys, they just did not want to commit to ME, and I don't talk about my past relationships with the guy I am with unless they ask, or I can share a similar dating/relationship experience that they've mentioned.
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 10
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 5:50:57 PM

How is that non-specific? I feel it's just that you don't want to accept the answer unless they're written the way you want them. No offense.

I stated that men want sex and acceptance/ respect and love.

Women want security and acceptance/ respect and love.

In a healthy relationship we would all seek stability and other characteristics, traits, etc. Those are the basics above.


I was referring to the guys above you....you were very specific, thanks :-)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 11
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 5:52:07 PM
in a word, personality. its what makes one woman different from another. its what makes a guy want her outside the bedroom. she offers more than just sex. she offers something that's interesting, intriguing. you want to know what makes her tick, what prior life made her the woman she is today. when you take her to events, she contributes, adds to the fun. she partakes, not waits.
she has interests, passions. she is intellectually curious. she wants to be good at things, then gets into them and wants to be better at them. she's aware of her surroundings, finds them as interesting as people find themselves to be interesting. she may age, but she'll never grow old. she won't be childish, but she will think young.

life is exciting to her, but she isn't Pollyannish about it. she doesn't wait for others to bring the fun to her ,she seeks it out, or creates it herself. she brings the party with her. she doesn't need talk about herself, she already knows its obvious about her. she doesn't need to show, she just "is".
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 12
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 5:54:11 PM

I got that. All women ( that I know or have read about etc) have experienced this. Pass the guys by, but at some point you would need to ask yourself why you're choosing these guys when you go on an actual date. I don't know a lot of men who show signs of being respectful and then try to jump you when the date is ending. There has to be something more to it than that IMO. If they don't show respect from the get go, don't communicate with them. If they don't strike you right at any point, don't communicate with them. Don't allow them to take you to the parking lot- say your goodbyes in a public setting, etc, etc.


Hehehehe.....I do this....It doesn't stop them from trying though. But you are right about one thing...maybe I need to chat with them for a longer period online before I meet them in person. :-P
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 13
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 5:59:57 PM

in a word, personality. its what makes one woman different from another. its what makes a guy want her outside the bedroom. she offers more than just sex. she offers something that's interesting, intriguing. you want to know what makes her tick, what prior life made her the woman she is today. when you take her to events, she contributes, adds to the fun. she partakes, not waits.
she has interests, passions. she is intellectually curious. she wants to be good at things, then gets into them and wants to be better at them. she's aware of her surroundings, finds them as interesting as people find themselves to be interesting. she may age, but she'll never grow old. she won't be childish, but she will think young.

life is exciting to her, but she isn't Pollyannish about it. she doesn't wait for others to bring the fun to her ,she seeks it out, or creates it herself. she brings the party with her. she doesn't need talk about herself, she already knows its obvious about her. she doesn't need to show, she just "is".


Thank You! This is exactly the kind of response I was looking for. :-)
 Bebedeleau
Joined: 6/8/2011
Msg: 14
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 6:03:57 PM
I would wonder how many percentages of marriages happen because the people truly want to get married and spend the rest of their lives with someone, and how many were prompted by one of these factors:

* pregnancy or security for the children
* fear of abandonment (given an ultimatum)
* pressure from family
* health insurance
* financial reasons (military, SSI security, shared property)
* religious morality

I've never done it. I've never felt any reason to get married, though now that I am middle aged, I might consider it one day ... the reason being it might be nice have someone to do the "till death do us part" thing with :)
 gtomustang
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 15
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 6:12:04 PM
take a look at the divorce rate...you may get an idea :)
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 16
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 6:12:08 PM
Actually, you forgot the first step, in reference to your concerns, so I'll add it to your list:
(1) Hook-up worthy
(2) Dating worthy
(3) Relationship worthy
(4) Marriage worthy

Guys are more often willing to hang out with a gal who's just (1). And for the record, women are very capable to lie to spare a guy's feelings. That's a people thing.

Dating worthy means they really like you with some solidification. This is determined during the pre-dating phase, or getting-to-know-ya phase -- normally, the first few dates. During this time, a guy could not see you as Date worthy... usually due to personality/type conflict, and sometimes you being cute in his eyes but not cute enough -- hence, Hookup Worthy and left at that. His lower brain can get the best of him, and he may not even be lying -- he is really liking you a lot in the moment. So if you hook up "in the moment", he's not lying to you per se, just caught up in the moment. Either way though, if you wait until After a few dates and you're comfortable and cool around each other, you'll know for sure whether you're Dating Worthy or not. He won't want to sit around for too long if he just wants a hookup.

When he's deemed you Dating Worthy, and you are dating, that can recede. Don't mistake that for all him seeing you as, is Hookup Worthy. Dating is when you are, and have been, seeing each other. Once this is in place, he's going to focus on how Relationship worthy you are -- meaning LTR worthy. And from there, of course, marriage worthy.

It's all about attractiveness & compatibility. The more of both there are, the more chances you'll be more "worthy" in their eyes. And you can't really mix and match a lack of one for the other. There are threshold lines in people's eyes for looks & separately, compatibility.
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 17
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 6:32:37 PM
What makes you choose red shoes over black shoes.
It's what ever suits - whatever works and we all like an accessory.
 Green_Jello44
Joined: 6/19/2011
Msg: 18
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 6:41:12 PM
The real answer to the question.........a mature guy.
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 19
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 6:56:13 PM

They just listed the things that women want that men don't care about, like emotional closeness, companionship, economic stability....

At my age ~ and having been single muuuuuuuch more of my adult life than not, I can assure you ~ those answering that men don't care about emotional closeness, companionship and economic stability were either liars or they were an itsy-tiny-fraction of the male population, because I don't know ONE man who thinks along those lines nor have I EVER dated a man who didn't find all of those things prerequisites to a relationship consisting of more than simple dating to socialize or FB/FWB deal.

However, when I finally do find a man that treats me with more respect, I begin to fall for him, and he won't commit. Lately, I can't get a boyfriend, but previously I was dumped by a boyfriend of four years, and a boyfriend of two years, with no marriage proposals.

Maybe the fact you've been dumped twice is the reason you think you're being viewed as a sex object.

I'd like to think I'd understand men better seeing as though they are supposedly "simpler" than woman. However, they do not open up about their feelings like women do.

I can point you in the direction of a few men that are more than hung-up on sharing their feelings. Those types wear me the hell out and quickly. "Let's Share Shawn" might be right up your alley if you're into all of that emotional drivel stuff. (OP? I think you're far too into stereo-typing than is healthy. Men are just as multi-faceted as women. If you have never encountered men who want more than sex from you, don't share their feelings with you, don't think in terms of marriage with you ~ I'm going to suggest there is something about you keeping them from doing these things because my history would tell you quite the opposite.)

They lie to spare our feelings, and clam up when talking about relationship issues.

No ~ they don't all do this.

So, please help with some HONEST answers guys! Who knows, girls who read this may actually end up giving you what you want :-) Thanks!

By and large, men want all that goes along with a relationship just as much as the ladies want that. If you aren't finding that in the men you meet/date or have relationship with? Do that math! The only common denominator in the equation is YOU. You meet 10 men, they all treat you as a sex object ~ what's the only thing those 10 men have in common? You. Maybe the thing you should be seeking out is how it is that you pick men who act as they do towards you.
(Oh, and it's really important to remember two things: 1) You get what you allow.; and 2) What you accept in the beginning, you an expect in the end.) JMO
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 20
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 7:05:08 PM

(and my definition of "dating" likely differs from yours, so there's that)


To clarify, it usually takes me a couple of months before I am into a guy, and consider us dating. If I am just "seeing someone", I can take 'em or leave 'em. It won't hurt my feelings. However, if I'm "dating" someone, I'm hoping for something more, but not pressuring. Eventually, usually five to six months, I break it off if it's going nowhere.
 the_biggavell
Joined: 7/9/2012
Msg: 21
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 7:06:06 PM
skills, that enable her to maintain MY interest.
she has to have staying power
she has to grow on me
she has to be down for the team.

you ARE an OBJECT OF DESIRE, and then we MAKE you into a girlfriend or a wife or a hoe.
we reallyvonly wanna **** in the beginning.. and if you were to accept and roll with it, youd have more honest guys

men cant use emotions with the same frequency you do
we respond to logic not emotion


andci could go on and on
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 22
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 7:11:11 PM
I can't help but believe that there is FAR less science and earnest rumination behind anyone's behavior in these areas, than they always seem to claim once this question is asked.

In other words, if you ask for most people to explain what they are looking for in a mate, they WILL come up with an answer, but I think the answers you get are more for show than anything else. Most of the explanations sound more like excuses than explanations.

Perhaps I am just not as thoughtful as everyone else.

The way I "chose" my mate, was a progression from basic physical attraction, to apparent reasonable daily compatibility (i.e. she tolerated me better than most), and this all took place at the time in my life, when what I wanted to do, was to settle down and marry. Frankly, I think now that that last bit, was more of a factor than any of the particular characteristics and behaviors of the lady in question.

If I'm right, and the chance timing is the most important element, that would at least explain why so many people talk later about "the one they really SHOULD have married, but let pass them by," as well as why so many of us marry incompatible people, and end up here separated or divorced.

Therefore my answer to your title query "What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?", is: the number of cycles of the Earth around the sun, and how they have affected the guy's perceptions of life. NOT so much how the particular attractive female behaves.

Think "musical chairs," not "chess."
 the_biggavell
Joined: 7/9/2012
Msg: 23
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 7:13:45 PM
look at you complicating the situation, with your arrogance.

difference between guys and girls.
we dont hope.
we find you, then we makevyou into what we need.

you on the other hand. you're playing the lottery "hoping" he falls into your lap

Dating.. yuck..it takes you a few minths because you dont even like the guys you see and approaching relationship as though you are holding pusssy hostage. You know why it goes nowhere? Cuz he hasnt ****ed you enough to make a decision about you. And i can bet this dude in limbo hanging ariund you is findingvother ones while you make up your mind sweetheart.

How do you get your guy?
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 24
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 7:33:43 PM

How do you get your guy?

First....change your attitude of "how do I get a guy"???...to....Is he good enough for me.
Stay away from the "bad boys"...they never want to mature and act like grown ups.
A lot of women choose poorly...then can't figure out whats wrong.....with themselves.
The saying...You receive the kind of love you think you deserve...rings true.
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 25
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 7:36:17 PM
And as far as a man getting frisky on the 1st, 2nd or 3rd date? I'd hang up my dancing shoes permanently if he didn't.


To clarify, I wasn't talking about friskiness, I was speaking of sexual inappropriateness. (See one of my earlier posts)

Also, I agree that my previous boyfriends have commitment issues. Neither of them has ever been married. When I was going out with my ex of four years I was in college and not ready for marriage myself, so I didn't care. I just wrongly assumed it would happen, and we did share a lot. My boyfriend of two years is the father of my child, and I stayed with him longer than I should have because we have a daughter together.

Also, I regret making those generalizations about men in the beginning of this thread. I have met some good ones that I've shared wonderful things with.
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 26
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 9:03:35 PM
Maybe you're making it obvious you just want to be married, and it scares them that you just want a marriage - not to be married TO HIM.


Don't get me wrong, I am particular, and it's not often that I find a man I can connect with. However, I keep ending up liking men with commitment issues I guess. I haven't had a boyfriend in five years, and during that time, I only had one man I considered a serious relationship with, once I was past my rebound phase anyway. However, he didn't want to be my boyfriend, just date indefinately, so I had to break it off. It bothers me that I finally met a guy I like and things are going great, but the relationship stalled in the dating phase with no hope of progress.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 28
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What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 10:11:29 PM
Its a tuff question. Most of us dated serious quality women that got away, then mucho-grando later,... found one that seemed more or less okay, passed a few of the easier tests, didn't let the cat die-- and well,.. a while later there are urchins that might spawn as well, or better.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 29
What makes a girl go from dating material to girlfriend material to wife material?
Posted: 11/19/2012 11:04:28 PM

Eventually, usually five to six months, I break it off if it's going nowhere.


So you are strictly husband hunting and just looking for a warm, breathing body with a penis. Guys shy away from extemely desparate women. If you stop acting so desparate, thinking a fairy tale wedding will solve all of your problems, you might not scare away guys from wanting to commit to Miss Desperate. It's insulting to think that's the only reason you want a man-to fulfill your Disney fantasy. Some people date for a year or more before they think about taking the next step or plunge, to make sure they really want to be with the person because of the person-not the person as a status symbol.
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