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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher fema      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 Dot_Matrix
Joined: 9/30/2012
Msg: 1
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I mean, we have been friends for almost 12 years, and I barely get a hug from her, where as other dudes give her hugs, kisses etc. I have many other female friends that I get affection from, just not her. I came to the conclusion early on that I have been thrown into that emotional tampon/'safe'/friend-zone. Why isn't she as affectionate with me but feels she can throw all her issues on me?

Honestly, she's awesome for the times she's not hung up on some guy, but I get NOTHING out of hearing her **** and moan about the men that she's sexing and are dogging her.

I'm at the end of my rope and ready to jump ship. Why is it when a guy respects you, you treat him like a weakling but you go insane over that ass with the criminal record, and you want to save him?

I'm hanging out/talking to her less and less, but I'd hate to see it end like this. I mean I felt like I gave so much emotionally, and I barely get anything in return. Nothing in the material sense, but when it comes to my issues, she has all this advice that she does not use to deal with her issues.

What sucks is that I liked her at one point, but I didn't move fast enough and I feel like stuff is being inadvertently thrown in my face, especially when she gets all explicit.

So, to make a long story short, what should I do/not do so I don't repeat this travesty again with a new woman?
 4x4fan
Joined: 4/29/2011
Msg: 2
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 8:24:17 AM
If you become too valuable to a girl you aren't lovers with, she won't want to risk losing you for something as replaceable but potentially disastrous as physical intimacy. She doesn't want to risk the two of you getting together, then you breaking up with her or disappearing and then suddenly you aren't her friend or advisor or supporter anymore.
So, you don't give girls those things until the two of you are together.
You don't spend a lot of time on a girl,
You don't spend a lot of money on a girl,
You don't talk a whole lot to a girl,
You don't do a lot of things with a girl,
You don't try to help a girl too much,
And you don't try to revamp her life,
at least until the two of you are lovers.
At that point, if you're sleeping with her and she's sleeping with you, if you want to spend a lot of time on her, or buy her something nice, or talk to her all night, or go skiing with her, or help her find a better job, or introduce her to cool new people -- yeah, that's cool.
But you can't do that stuff before the two of you are lovers, or you probably will never become lovers.
Most guys try to do this stuff up front as "proof" of what great boyfriends they're going to be. I know, because I used to do some of it -- not the nice guy friend stuff, but I did do the "I'm going to spend a lot of time talking to her on the phone and text her a lot and I'll become an integral part of her life -- THEN we'll get together!"
Nope, doesn't work that way.
You do it after... otherwise, you're going to encounter a wall of resistance to the two of you becoming lovers that's a mile high.
She won't want to risk sacrificing ALL she's getting from you for what might be a one-time roll in the hay.
And that can even include just knowing that she's "got" you -- that can actually be quite valuable to women.
But most women, to one extent or another, really do feel this way. It's not so good an idea to get into the habit of chasing women; you sabotage yourself when you do.
Chasing is one of the most poisonous things you can get into doing with a girl. Once you're chasing, you're done. Almost always.

If you disagree, then riddle me this: how many women you've chased after -- like, really hounded with calling and texting and begging them to go on dates -- how many of those girls have you slept with or turned into girlfriends?
Probably none of them, right? So why do guys keep doing this?
It's an unconscious response, and it's one you can't control. Chasing is just how people respond to things they want and can't have.
The thing is, the harder you chase, and the more invested you become, the more and more and more you end up wanting something, and going crazy over it.
Chase after a job, and you come to want it more and more.
Chase after a certain school you want to attend, and you want to get into that school more and more desperately.
Find a girl you like and start chasing her, and she transforms from a girl you liked to a girl you want bad, to a girl you're crazy about, to a girl you're head over heels in love with (or at least you think you are... it's more your idea of her than her as a person, especially if you've been chasing her a long time and not spending much time with her.

Don't chase women. It kills their attraction for you, and it's going to tear you up inside pursuing a girl who's -- because you're chasing her -- forced to start running away.
Here's what you do instead:
You keep things simple, direct, and to-the-point.

You only use texting and phone calls for a very little bit of getting to know a girl.

You primarily use texting and phone calls for setting up dates and handling logistics -- sell her on you in person, not over the phone.

You get her out soon after meeting her, and move fast.

If she's social circle and you've known her for a long time, you make a big push to get her out, and close the deal then.

For your own sanity, adopt a cut off mark for girls. e.g., you might say, "Okay, if we aren't lovers after Date #3, she and I are done." Of course, to make this legitimate, you need to be trying to get together with her too -- you need to tell her to come home with you at the end of Date #1 and/or 2, and if she doesn't, you need to try again at the end of Date #3. If she still doesn't, write her off.

After you adopt a cut off mark, add a conditional exception. e.g., for me, I have a few exceptions to my one-date rule. If a girl's really exceptional, and I really really like her and I think she'd make a great girlfriend, I might see her one or two more times if we don't sleep together on Date #1 and I'll try to make it happen then. If she's not as exceptional, then I'll have the condition that if she wants to come over and hang out at my place, we can do that, but otherwise, I won't invest any more time into her.

So like a girl I've been on a date with who wouldn't go home with me, normally I'd write her off, but if she started texting that she wanted to meet up, I'd text her back, "Honestly, I've been doing so much lately that I really can't get out from under a pile of work. I could chill though -- you could come by, we'll cook some food or order a pizza, and just kick back and watch a movie. You game?" That weeds out a lot of them and you won't hear from them again -- those were the ones looking for a friend or a guy to chase them -- but both the ones that like you a lot, and the ones that just want a strong, sexy guy to take them to bed -- both of those girls will say, "Okay."
Getting some rules like this up and running gets you keeping your cool a lot more easily, streamlines your dating a lot, and really ups your results. You become lovers with more girls, higher quality girls, and you get the girls you want.
Wait, you might say, how does being aggressive and ruthless like this help you get the girls you want? Won't those amazing high quality women be scared off by stuff like this?
And that's a completely understandable concern. Here's why I'm recommending the route I am:
Think of what happens when you meet an amazing girl that you really, really like. Maybe she's incredibly beautiful; maybe she's got a killer personality. Maybe both. So what do you do?
You go really, really slow, try not to mess stuff up... and then you don't get her. She fades away, and you end up becoming upset that she isn't responding to your texts anymore, like what happened with our reader at the start of this post and what happened to me plenty of times in the past.
So why's having a solid process like this help you get the girls you want to get?
Because even incredibly beautiful girls and girls with killer personalities and girls who have both are still just GIRLS. And they still all respond to exactly the same stuff. They still all want a man who's going to man up and make stuff happen... and all the guys who aren't get to go cool their heels in the friend zone and spend the next couple of months or years chasing after them until they finally give up and go repeat the process with some other girl.
Don't be one of those guys. Don't chase women; don't go crazy holding out for that one special girl. Understand that past a certain mark, she really is lost, and that trying to get her back is like trying to get back a job offer again once the opportunity's already passed you by because you took too long to take action and seize that opportunity.
Sure, maybe if you hound the people at that company like crazy, they'll eventually hire you. Probably not, but maybe. And sure, maybe if you hound that girl like crazy, she'll eventually date you. Probably not, but maybe. But yeah, really probably not.
Sucks to hear, I know. You've been throwing a huge amount of time into chasing after a girl, for a long time, investing boatloads of your time and energy and effort and everything else into trying to get her, and all the while she's long since moved on and sees you as a friend or a guy she's "conquered" or is keeping on the back burner "just in case."
But what's encouraging is knowing that next time -- with all the other women you're going to meet in your life -- you can do it right. Just like you're probably not going to get that job that you had a shot at but didn't take the shot for and now it's gone, so it is with women you had a shot with but waited too long to take that shot. But just as there are plenty more jobs out there you can do it right with next time, so too are there plenty more women out there you can do it right with next time, too.
You've just got to make sure you seize the opportunity, and push for the close. That's what separates the friends and the conquered and those waiting in the wings from the guys who end up being girls' lovers and boyfriends and more.
 Dot_Matrix
Joined: 9/30/2012
Msg: 3
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 8:25:21 AM
***I'm confused as to how this is a pity thread? I'm asking for advice, so I assume asking for advice means I seek pity? More POF logic I do not understand.

Wow, 4x4...

Awesome answer! So basically if one is to invest less, you get more? That seems kinda oxymoronic, though.

 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 4
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 8:43:48 AM

I'm confused as to how this is a pity thread?


I'm confused about what's going on. Is this an ex-girlfriend, someone who you wanted to date, or want to date now, or is she more like a sister to you? If she's like a sister or if she views you more of a brother type, it's understandable she's not going to be crawling all over you.
 Icarus75
Joined: 11/11/2012
Msg: 5
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 8:44:39 AM
You always have to remain a challenge to a woman my friend!

Too much availability means little interest on here behalf. You gotta keep them guessing which means second guessing themselves. A way to a womans heart is through messing with her self worth lol.

Hey it's true. I played both sides of the fence and the latter one works best.

Dont be a WUSS!
 Icarus75
Joined: 11/11/2012
Msg: 6
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 8:50:53 AM
Dont ever just go after one
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 8:56:08 AM

I'd hate to see it end like this.

^^^^^^^^^^^^
What exactly is ending?


The only thing I can say with such little background on this "relationship"
I would move on completely because whatever you want from her she doesn't want it from you.
 Dot_Matrix
Joined: 9/30/2012
Msg: 8
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 9:13:57 AM
What exactly is ending?


The only thing I can say with such little background on this "relationship"
I would move on completely because whatever you want from her she doesn't want it from you.


I mean, the friendship of course. I feel like I'm just there so she can vent to me about her man problems...and other things that would classify me as the gay best friend male. And she has one of those that she shows affection to. She shows affection to me by giving me things of monetary value, but whenever I try to give her a hug, its like, don't touch me.


I haven't read any other replies, so perhaps this has already been mentioned, but I'd guess she thinks you want more from her than just friendship, so she holds back on any physical intimacy so that you don't get your hopes up. Yeah, I think you should dial back on the 'shoulder' for her romantic misadventures. If she's fun other times, maybe she's worth hanging out with then but you'll need to figure out how to set boundaries. Setting boundaries will also help you avoid being in a similar situation in the future.


That's the problem. We can hang out and everything is peachy and all of a sudden she jumps on the dead horse of a boyfriend shes trying to fix. I don't want to snap at her because I'm tired of hearing it, but I feel like I need to and that may damage the friendship. She's emotionally fragile.

 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 9
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She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 9:14:00 AM
I haven't read any other replies, so perhaps this has already been mentioned, but I'd guess she thinks you want more from her than just friendship, so she holds back on any physical intimacy so that you don't get your hopes up. Yeah, I think you should dial back on the 'shoulder' for her romantic misadventures. If she's fun other times, maybe she's worth hanging out with then but you'll need to figure out how to set boundaries. Setting boundaries will also help you avoid being in a similar situation in the future.
 japaul10
Joined: 8/9/2012
Msg: 10
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 9:30:02 AM
I dealt with this with my ex
you prolly dont want to know the answer but shes prolly either lost attraction to you or lost interest

maybe both
 Stormwolf
Joined: 2/23/2009
Msg: 11
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She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 10:05:19 AM
SHE'S JUST NOT INTO YOU!
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 12
She's affectionate with everone else except me
Posted: 11/23/2012 10:36:00 AM

Help me decipher female logic.



Why is it when a guy respects you, you treat him like a weakling but you go insane over that ass with the criminal record, and you want to save him?



Even the experts who deciphered the Rosetta Stone would not be able to decipher female logic.
 pescando75
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 13
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 10:40:00 AM
So often, I'll read posts like this, and I think, "Why doesn't the person just SAY this to the person in question?!"
This is one of those times.

12 years is a little late to think about climbing out of the friend zone??
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 14
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She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 10:41:40 AM
When someone does not feel for you the way you do for them, if they do not treat you like you want, if they do not give you the relationship you want, stop pretending you have anything worth working on. You actually don't like this woman, you don't like how she acts, you don't like how she treats you, you don't like how others are treated better than you...so stop pretending you like her. Move on, this obsession only feeds whatever issues you have that makes you be around this woman.
 TalkingPie
Joined: 8/11/2008
Msg: 15
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She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 10:57:37 AM
4x4fan nailed it completely. I've been on the "if I'm her friend eventually she'll fall for me" line of delusional thinking, too, and it gets you nowhere. I did have one girl whom I did eventually date for 2 years after 2 years of chasing, and it wasn't worth it. What's more, I only got her after I finally stopped caring, bought a sport bike and dated a skinny little brunette.

As much as society keeps trying to convince us that acting like men is wrong, that's exactly what women respond to, and the faster we realize that what women say they want (eg: "I just want a guy who will treat me nice, paint my toes and ask how I'm feeling while we make love") is rarely what they actually want, the better off everyone will be.

I believe in letting a women know who I am and what I'm about as quickly as possible, and if she's not interested in that, I won't waste either of our time or get attached to someone who won't offer me happiness.
 Dot_Matrix
Joined: 9/30/2012
Msg: 16
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 11:07:08 AM

When someone does not feel for you the way you do for them, if they do not treat you like you want, if they do not give you the relationship you want, stop pretending you have anything worth working on. You actually don't like this woman, you don't like how she acts, you don't like how she treats you, you don't like how others are treated better than you...so stop pretending you like her. Move on, this obsession only feeds whatever issues you have that makes you be around this woman.


You are right dyna.

I have always wondered why I had always been treated differently than everyone else.

This isn't about getting out of the friend-zone, but it's why does she keep me at arms-length and treats me like an acquaintance at times when shes with other people.

Ultimately, I just need to cut ties.
 Tek_Savvy
Joined: 10/13/2012
Msg: 17
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 11:15:53 AM
There's two reason why she doesn't get affectionate with you, it could be either one. First one is that she doesn't like you and just using you for whatever and the second is that she really likes you but is afraid to show any emotion. For what it's worth you don't seem to like her. I am met women like you describe. You are better off moving on.
 toightpants
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 18
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 12:27:54 PM

Help me decipher female logic.

Really?
You think we can help?
You've had 12 years with this woman.
You give us a couple paragraphs worth of biased information.
Maybe your expectations are simply too high.

I mean

I barely get a hug from her, where as other dudes give her hugs, kisses etc.

For all I know she used to give you hugs and kisses all the time, in the beginning.
But 12 years later and you having communicated (indirectly) it turns you on, or that

get NOTHING out of hearing her **** and moan

she has simply come to realize "what's the point?"

Maybe she has experience from the other guys that they give a crap when she bytches and moans, so she is rewarding them, fulfilling social obligation.

For all I know she does give you hugs, and kisses, just as much in your relationship as her relationship with other guy "friends." Only you get jealous or pay more attention to when someone else gets what you want.

Friend relationship usually equates to only a basic level of communication.
Maybe since you never really developed healthy communication skills with her (no need, since you have the friend boundary) she has to rely just as much on indirect communication as you do. So you don't care about her bytching and moaning, and that will come out indirectly, so she thinks "hmm, somethings more wrong here, he doesn't want to listen to me, so what does he want, what is he thinking," so she starts kissing and hugging other guys more in order to manipulate a response from you that she understands.


what should I do

Either work on your communication skills with her, which will either progress the relationship or make it more wobbly so it breaks.
Or simply call it off and use the next 12 years to find a mate rather than a friend.


so I don't repeat this travesty again with a new woman?

That's going to be pretty hard for you.
I mean you have had 12 years to practice this way of behavior.
People tend to get stuck in routines and can't change repetitive behavior over night.
Just ask smokers.
The more you get into doing something, the more difficult it is to keep from doing it again.
It's where games come from and how they get learned.
You start trying to manipulate the new person to behave like the old person because you are used to how you react in that situation rather than dealing with new situations.
 grizzelda
Joined: 6/25/2006
Msg: 19
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She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 1:30:12 PM
OP, unless you have told this woman that you are interested in her in more than a friendship way, you have absolutely no right to accuse her of using you. I imagine that you have over emphasized all of her faults and understated your behavior in this relationship. Becasue I cannot for the life of imagine someone leading you on for 12 years, 12 YEARS!, it just isnt worth the effort to deal with your puppy eyes, your sad sighs, your pathetic sexual inuendos, the "innocent" attemps to cop a feel, all the little things that most men do when they are to afraid to be honest.

What I cannot wrap my head around is that you have been carrying a torch for this woman for 12 years and have been dishonest with her this whole time about your real intentions, but she is the **** and user in this scenario? Some friend you are, pretending to care about what she has to say, pretending to support her choices when all along you were waiting for her to be in a bad place so you could slip your way into the boyfriend position by default. You have an agenda that you havent been honest about and here you are trying to garner sympathy for your deception.Classy...

I will never understand why men put themselves in this position, why they absolutely refuse to be honest about what they want because they are afraid of the response, but they will spend huge amounts of time, (12 years apparently) getting angrier and angrier with the woman they are too afraid to be honest with, all the while lying through their teeth to her by pretending to be something they are not and then they start blaming her for not reading their minds, for not being able to see through your lies, and she is the one playing games, she is the nasty **** because she isnt saving you from yourselves.

Perhaps you can decipher the male logic that men use to rationalize this sort of ridiculous behavior and in some bizzarre way blame her for it not working out according to your secret plan?
 rdcnorm
Joined: 3/7/2007
Msg: 20
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 2:14:33 PM
OP,, the best advice I could give you,, Really you have been friends for 12 yrs and you can't sit down and talk with your friend,,and your asking strangers what to do, what she might be thinking per say............Give me a man who is willing to express himself.. step up to the plate,,, how is she supposed to know what your feeling or thinking,,
 kittinn
Joined: 9/7/2012
Msg: 22
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 2:36:02 PM
^^^ Before he takes your advice, tell us how it worked for you.

Edit: I'm referring to
"Sally", I started, "for 10 f**king years I've put up with your whining sh*t and I think that's worth at least a blow job, and if you want me to keep listening to your cr*p then you'd best keep them coming."

It doesn't work well using arrows if you're the first on a new page...
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 23
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She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 3:12:41 PM
"So, to make a long story short, what should I do/not do so I don't repeat this travesty again with a new woman?"

Don't let yourself in the friendzone. If you are there, just walk away....
 SSC-SAF
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 24
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 3:47:48 PM

A way to a womans heart is through messing with her self worth lol.


If that's your strategy, you're meeting the wrong type of woman. No self-respecting woman is going to appreciate a guy "messing with her self worth". I imagine that the ones who fall for this are easier for you to manipulate, and that's why you think this is a successful strategy.

OP...twelve years of failure to step up to the plate and either sh*t or get off the pot on both your parts? If you made it clear at any point that you wanted to be her man and she has kept you on a string, then it's not all her fault - you must have been willing to go along with it. Take a stand, because you have nothing to lose. You've messed with your own self-worth.


Why isn't she as affectionate with me but feels she can throw all her issues on me?

Because you let her.
 strawberryrippleicecream
Joined: 10/29/2012
Msg: 25
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 3:56:43 PM
She is wrong to confide in someone - who blurts it all out on line.
 jandid
Joined: 7/3/2012
Msg: 26
She's affectionate with everone else except me. Help me decipher female logic.
Posted: 11/23/2012 4:35:41 PM
WUSS ??? LOOK UP THE WORD MYSOGONIST BABE..............THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE. FROM A MATURE WOMAN. BEEN THERE AND DONE THAT.......................YOUR A PLAYER MORON
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