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 beachbum708
Joined: 9/21/2012
Msg: 1
HELP! Kid IssuesPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I've been seening a wonderful woman for the last 3 months. I enjoy her company in every way and we get along great. She has 3 kids, 18,16 and 12. The 12 year old is just like her mother. A real sweet kid, but the other 2 are just really hard to be around. Her 16 year old daughter has depression issues and a general lack of respect for adults. A couple of weeks ago I had dinner at my gf's house and the daugther got into an arguement with her mother and asked if I was my gf's "****". I've always been nice to this kid and I have no idea where that remark came from. She is always fighting with her mother and in general is a bigtime drama queen. Her 18 year old son walks around with a long face all the time and basically has no social skills. I have a hard time even getting a simple "hello" out of him. These 2 are just difficult to be around and I find myself avoiding them at all cost now.

I really enjoy my time with my girlfriend and as I said she is a wonderful person, but I can see the kids being a very big issue for me and our relationship. ( btw I have 4 kids so I know how to deal with them) How do I bring this subject up to her without hurting her feelings? I'm starting to feel myself pushing her away and I feel guilty for doing this because she is such a good person.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 2
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 5:19:07 AM
OP, just one thing for you to consider. How many men have walked through these kids lives? When my kids were any of those ages, I did not introduce them to anyone until I thought it might be longer term and three months just does not cut. They could simply be reacting the next guy in a line of many. Or, there have been none before you and they resent the time you are taking away from them.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 3
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HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 5:48:34 AM
OMG put all the kids together you beat out the Brady Bunch! Lol…

You’re not going to like what I have to say.

If you are sleeping over around those kids… they don’t respect you. They probably don’t believe you will be around for long. Those teenage kids are smarter than you think. Those kids know exactly what they are doing regardless of their youth. Believe me, kids have their parents all figured out. They got your schedule and lifestyle down to a science.

The one child said it all. You read between the lines. Free cow.

If you think that you might love their mother, then why not be the first person to do the right thing, do it not for the ego, be a man, a true father figure that you are suppose to represent and live up to the actions and make decisions that a proper father figure would have and make. Put your needs a side for the children. Children always come first.

If you are for real, then act like it. When you become real, the kids will know it, and then you will see them smiling.

Good Luck,
Jan
 TerrieLynnC
Joined: 5/31/2011
Msg: 4
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 6:12:31 AM
Why not TALK to your girlfriend about this instead of a bunch of strangers on an internet dating site?????
I question why your even on this site since you supposedly have a girlfriend.................
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 5
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 6:34:26 AM
Let me ask you this. How are your own kids. Are they more socially able, respectful of adults and better behaved?

If they are. The big problem you have with your girlfriend is that for whatever reason, she is one of these women that only dispensed love instead of discipline while growing up. Also because who knows the number of male figures that came through their lives, none of them stuck in their mind. So now they suffer for all those things.

The problem is that it's too late for you to dispense a sense of discipline to the. However, if I were you, I would not let them get away with murder either. For instance, if you ever get them together with your kids at your place, you may want to establish a game plan based on courtesy.

The other problem you are going to have is related to the realization that one of the reasons those children act that way is because of the mother. What she permitted, the boundaries that she created. So you may clash with them. Also remember that the ages of 16 and 18 are about them finding their own identity so they are usually depressed, full of zits, raging hormones, fear, anxiety, overwhelming desire for being accepted or desired by the other sex.

So look as yourself no different that a teen sees a coach. You dispense some guidance and then pull back and let them be and find their own paths.
 TAWT
Joined: 10/10/2012
Msg: 6
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 7:04:32 AM
You can't escape the fact that your GF and her kids are a package deal. Your GF seems to have a clear record of not knowing how to set better boundaries with these kids, so don't be surprised when the 12 year old turns nasty almost overnight when the puberty kicks in. By the time that happens, it's almost too late to undo years' worth of parental failures. The pattern has been set. As an outsider, you're in no position to do anything more than go along for the ride.

I remember what it's like to be a teen and to raise teens. Yes, most of them are disaffected on more or less a daily basis, but as you describe it, her kids are beyond the bounds of normal teenage antisocial behavior. I know I wouldn't put up with it the name-calling and arguments. Well, three months is a pretty good time to fish or cut bait. "You can't stand her kids" is a perfectly valid reason for calling it quits.
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 7
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HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 7:12:18 AM
My question is, that did the mother said? How did she handle it?
It's hard to get through kids, as many poster said it could be many reason why are they behave like that.
But I also must say been there don that didn't/couldn't put up with it.
 YourBrandNewGuy
Joined: 10/1/2012
Msg: 8
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 7:15:34 AM

Why not TALK to your girlfriend about this instead of a bunch of strangers on an internet dating site?????
I question why your even on this site since you supposedly have a girlfriend......


This is a forum and on forums you ask your peers questions. Many are going through similar experiences or have.
I question why you're even on the forums, if you don't understand what they are for.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 9
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 7:22:12 AM
Op,if you've been seeing this *wonderful woman* for 3 months,why did you make a profile 2 months ago looking for a woman to date?

Plus,you would've been aware she had 3 children = package deal.......?
If you're already pushing her away,the writing's on the wall.
: (
 TC2u
Joined: 6/22/2011
Msg: 10
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HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 8:13:14 AM
If you do bring it up, and I think you should. Have ideas, not complaints. She's the mother, she knows who they are. To help her is a lot better than trying to inform her.
As others said, I doubt you're the first, and they're thinking you won't be the last.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 11
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 9:12:55 AM
How does the girlfriend or any other women you dated get along with your 4 kids? Is everybody always lovey dovey when around your kids? The problem is too many parents put on blinders and don't see or think about their kids misbehaving. When their kids don't get along with someone or become very rude, it's always the other person's fault. You should put this woman on hold until her kids get older and become more mature and date women who have adult offspring instead. You have no authority to dispense discipline, which is what is needed, so it's a losing situation.
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 12
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HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 9:27:01 AM
My personal opinion is that no one should be "dating" with kids around, no matter how old. They have enough issues to deal with without a succession of boyfriends or girlfriends in and out of their house, and PLEASE tell me you aren't sleeping there, or she at your place with kids around. That being said, for teenagers, the sullen, depressed, mouthy behavior is pretty typical, I wouldn't take that so personally.

Regardless of the situation, parents should set boundaries for kids' behavior, and they should be expected to be civil and consequences for misbehavior should be in place. In all fairness to them, though, it's hard to feel respectful towards someone who is boinking or hoping to boink their mother or father.

If you must date each other, you should do it away from the house or save it for when they go to dad's for the weekend.
 This_orThat
Joined: 5/6/2011
Msg: 13
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HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 9:36:45 AM
Try getting everyone together your kids too, under one roof and ask questions like why and how do they as young adults think you can all get along and be happy around each other.
I bet at least one of her children needs something to change. And it may be a small deal to you but, a big deal to them.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 14
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 9:40:53 AM
My personal opinion is that no one should be "dating" with kids around, no matter how old. They have enough issues to deal with without a succession of boyfriends or girlfriends in and out of their house, and PLEASE tell me you aren't sleeping there, or she at your place with kids around.


I disagree with this statement. But first let me tell you where I do agree. Yes, I do believe that when children are part of the equation, the adults need to keep their dating separate, and insulate the children's exposure to these people that may or may not be coming and going out of their lives. They do not need that.

But heres's where I disagree. I've read in books, been to told by many single mothers that there's an important role that a male figure has in the development of a child, even a teenager. Take for instance the woman I am going out with. She has a son. I do not play dad with the child. I keep some distance, but we are getting to the point where through exposure and leading by example that can bring positive effects on the child and are much more positive than if the child had never any exposure to men in a healthy environment.

So, while I would limit that exposure, when two consenting adults feel that they are ready to share more, that exposure can produce very positive results.
 J_bird61
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 15
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 9:48:56 AM
His question is" How does he bring this up to her without hurting her feelings....?"

You say,
Listen I think you're really great. I care about you a great deal. I think you've done a great job with your kids so far.
I see some areas for improvement.
I feel that they are being disrespectful. I know that teenagers do this. It's not unusual. But what I'd like to talk about it how we could, as a team, come up with a plan where we feel we are addressing this common teenager issue. I know I'm new to the scene and I want to respect your family unit. But I also feel that for us to have a great relationship, this will be one area where we may have to come to common agreements and see if we can
make this situation better for all of us. I want to add to your life, I want to be successful, I want for all of us to be as happy as possible. I know it may take some time for all of us to get used to each other. I dont expect a change in this overnight. Would you be willing to talk about how we can do that?

There ya go.
Then OP you had better be prepared to have some creative solutions in your pocket to offer up as discussion points.
And this takes patience. Respect is a two way street, with teenagers there are alot of instances where you will be dolling it out and perhaps not seeing it in return. You have to stick with it. If they show you disrespect, call them out on it. They need to be taught how to be respectful and ONE of the best ways to do that is to exibit/show it to them and have them see you showing it to others. When they flip off/say something/do something disrespectful, ask them about it. Offer up an alternative choice as to how they can express themselves. Then of course, there's the consequences. Kids need to know what the rules are in order to have it all be fair. They need to hear what's expected. Everything needs to be spelled out and followed up on.
There are tons of good books out there on how to deal with teenagers and blended families. How serious about this issue are you?
 Midwest_Southwest
Joined: 9/9/2012
Msg: 16
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 10:11:29 AM
I don’t think you should have even met her kids so early. Shouldn’t have happened before you know each other very well, are very serious about each other and have discussed roles with each other’s kids. I’ve seen people use their kids as buffers to avoid connecting (easy excuse- my kids are to blame) and others who toss the kids into the mix early because they are not responsible parents (unhealthy parent/child boundaries or roles) or are looking for a savior (you want me? this is the job- my kids).

I agree with this:

Why not get to know her better for a few more months without the kids around? Nothing wrong with couple time.
 beachbum708
Joined: 9/21/2012
Msg: 17
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 12:31:50 PM
Thank you for all of your thoughts.

I am well versed in teen age issues having a few of them myself. I know they can be moody and self absorbed, AT TIMES, but not all the time. My gf has had her past boyfriends spend the night at her house and I have been invited to do the same and have declined because I won't allow her to stay at my house while my kids are here. I think it sets a very bad example for the kids, particularly teenagers. My kids have always had very tight guidelines and, while not perfect, have manners and treat people with respect. My gf goes easy on her kids and puts up with this behavior because she is afraid to rock the boat with them. The son has anger issues and I think she is afraid of him. (He sent her to the hospital once with a concussion) The daughter is out of control and she is past the point of having a fear of punishment. I don't put up with bad behavior from my own kids and I basically don't see why I should tolerate in anyone elses kids.

If things were just between her and I, everything would be great, but its a package deal. I'm in a situation where I seriously doubt if these kids will have respect for me when they don't respect their own mother or father.

I'd like to continue to see my gf, but I really see me getting dragged into a lot of drama with these kids and I don't have the patience for it. I guess I know the answer, but I'm trying to have my cake and eat it too. Fustrating.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 18
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HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 12:39:21 PM
Either she's done a lousy job raising them, which is probably a bit too late to change, or they have mental issues that are not being properly dealt with. Either way, she has to do something to change the problem, not you. And the 12 year old might not be the same as the other two, but she's young yet, she may turn into a crappy teen too. When the kids are a huge problem, I don't see how dating the mother is going to give you anything but grief. If a child said something like that about me, I would have gotten up and left. And you surely don't want these kids around your kids, do you?
 msemeraldeyes73
Joined: 9/11/2012
Msg: 19
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 12:41:21 PM


The son has anger issues and I think she is afraid of him. (He sent her to the hospital once with a concussion)


you have 2 choices. Stop seeing her or don't go around her kids.

Sounds as if the son has issues and I know that I would not be ok with standing there watching someone attack their own mother. It will definitely get you into legal trouble and if you physically touch the juvenile delinquent to protect her.... its over anyways.

Truth is she needs to get her kids and herself some therapy. The son sounds as if he has some mental issues. And she is either too scare to stand up to her kids or is in denial.

I vote for walking away. Sorry, it really is a no win situation.

Best Of Luck!
 GenJayne
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 20
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 12:52:24 PM
I don't get it. What happened? Did she hide the kids in the closet? You knew what you were signing up for from the get go. She has kids. You have obviously enmeshed yourself with them and now you don't want to deal with them like individuals. WTF? How are they supposed to respond to someone that is indifferent towards them. Yes, they are going to be difficult. The vibe comes from you.
You have four kids.. you know how to deal with your own children. Think. What if your kids were exposed to someone that had no real intent towards them. You maybe know how to deal with your own kids but you are leaving these little ones in the dark. Small wonder why they are not engaging with you. YOU DON'T WANT TO. WTF?
 phillyrose2
Joined: 1/9/2012
Msg: 21
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 12:59:11 PM
If i were a kid, particulatly a teenager, i would not appreciate a man sexing my mother while i am there, i.e. sleeping overnight. no matter what modern society wants us to beleive, kids have standards. a teen boy or gilr will quickly point out the lotharios and slutty girls. they don't want you to make their mother one.
if you do not spend the night while they are there, i take it all back.
 m8t
Joined: 8/10/2012
Msg: 22
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 12:59:58 PM
I know when my kids were younger they were hell on anyone I dated.
We can laugh now, but it sure wasnt funny then while they were total azzes.
As married adults my daughters still drill my dates purposely to see what kind of men they are.
They eventually let up these days, and get friendly knowing it no longer gets to me.

Your dilemma is exactly why I dont date men with dependant children.
I dont put myself in the situation for any abuse, or the baby momma drama.
 msemeraldeyes73
Joined: 9/11/2012
Msg: 23
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 1:01:28 PM


Yes, they are going to be difficult. The vibe comes from you.


I disagree. The vibe isn't coming from you. These kids see you as a threat. They run that house by intimidation and physical violence. You pose a threat. You might stand up to them. You might help their mother stand up to them.

But OP, you have too much to lose. You have kids of your own depending on you. Getting tangled up in this mental illness family (not bashing just an observation), will not end well for you.

If you take this further, your kids could wind up being bullied. You could have to physically protect the mother and wind up in jail. Then what about your kids??

OP - my son is BiPolar. His maniac episodes are RAGE. I have him medicated now but when I didn't it was volatile. I'm talking from experience. Adding you to the mix isn't just bad for you but also dangerous for her until her kids mental issues are addressed. Feel free to message me.

Praying for all of you.
 AddHomonym
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 24
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 1:13:23 PM
...
 Inflated_ego
Joined: 11/21/2012
Msg: 25
HELP! Kid Issues
Posted: 11/25/2012 1:13:47 PM
yup, been there, done that. I blame the public schools, and corrupt television culture. The schools teach the kids that the parents aren't the boss, the state is, and they then go to school and learn all kinds of behavior they would never have learned otherwise. The shows on TV do just about everything they can to make fun of and scrutinize, and misrepresent the traditional family. The kids become obsessed with trying to be popular which costs the moms money, if the moms don't have it, then the kids just aren't popular, and so that causes issues at school. The boys are depressed a lot and can't figure out why nothing works out for them, and its just that, they're boys and male behavior, competitiveness, being rough, learning outdoors, actually doing things hands on, besides sitting in one spot reading books is completely discouraged because the pharmaceutical companies and schools want to tell you your boy being hyper is abnormal so they can make money drugging him. I've seen kids failing for no real reason, over some stupid b.s. like a teacher doesn't like them, and the teachers say everything is fine until all of a sudden a month goes by and the kids failing, and the teacher is like oh, it's because of this and this and this, and then the moms complain to me, how come the teacher didn't say something sooner. Even with all the on line help for parents, somehow things fall through the cracks and the kids failing all of a sudden, and that causes depression and acting out on all levels. I watched it in my last relationship. The young teen girls smacking their mother in the arm, saying things like "I hate you you Fing B*tch" and the mother smacking them, constant yelling. The kids telling the mom what to do, the ex husbands just staying out of it because they have no say, and if they ever did what it took to straighten the situation out it'd be a war, and they'd probably end up with a restraining order on them or in jail, and the kids in a foster home. We can't discipline our kids, but when they grow up disrespectful the police are allowed to crack their heads open on the concrete and throw them in a juvenile system where they then get raped and all kinds of stuff that's worse than if their parents spanked them. The parents are afraid to discipline them because they don't want to have CPS (child protective services)take them. I went through this with my my past TWO ex's I begged them to home school and stop putting them in front of the TV all day, or at least try it, and I told them those problems would mostly all go away, and they wouldn't hear it. Then I have to come home from breaking my butt all day to screaming yelling, I gotta be my girlfriends counselor, but not give any advice at the same time. Just sit their and listen to them practically cry, but not do anything to try and fix it of course. Then it all goes to hell because everyone is just spinning their wheels. Good luck lol.
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