Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Ended out of the blue      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 2
Ended out of the bluePage 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
I just wasnt feeling it.

there it is. this is all you really need to know.
she was feeling it, and then ............she wasn't.

in other words, there are people out there whose dating lives live and die based on their feelings from one moment to the next. as long as they are "feeling it", things will be going like a house on fire with you. but when they aren't "feeling it", they are deflated, let down, and disappointed. why do you think dating them and getting dumped is just like a light switch? easy come / easy go. she will be like this with other guys, and you probably weren't the first.

let that be a warning to ya. next time you find yourself on the alleged fast track to romantic bliss, remember how that last train came flying right off the rails.
 Sherlock101
Joined: 1/4/2007
Msg: 4
view profile
History
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/25/2012 6:58:29 AM
She got a text on her phone from her ex....
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/25/2012 7:58:05 AM
Op ... I'm going with , what you got was a consolation fuk*ng !
(playback for painting) there's Likely someone else .or others
Anyway ,she doesn't want a relationship so, shrug your shoulders
her loss and move on ..!
 toightpants
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 8
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/25/2012 8:27:10 AM

Anyone out there understand what went wrong?

You were basically a fling.
You fulfilled a fantasy she might not have know she had.
Now she's going back to reality, where she doesn't have to change.
You were live action cinemax.

Don't worry, there's a good probability she will come back and do it again maybe lasting longer the next time.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 9
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/25/2012 9:51:08 AM
I'm sorry this happened to you, you sound like a nice guy, but...
You only knew this woman a very short time before you became intimate. You didn't take the time to get to know each other before you had sexual relations. You had a few short romantic dates, but you didn't take the time to establish a foundation, so you don't really know her.
 SSC-SAF
Joined: 5/20/2012
Msg: 10
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/25/2012 10:00:24 AM
OP - I think she doesn't know what she wants, and used you as part of her experiment to see if she could discover what it is that she does want.

It sounds as though she still doesn't know and/or has no clue as to how to communicate it. Good thing for you is that she flaked out now instead of later - or you might have invested a lot more time and effort into something that was going to go nowhere regardless of your efforts.

This isn't a gender-based flakiness, as I've known guys who do this too. Usually there's a "ex" in the background who's exerting a push-pull on the person's emotions.

Just chalk this one up to experience and move on. Somebody better for you is waiting.
 iahklu
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 11
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/25/2012 10:42:15 AM
OP,
I think most of us have been there.

Good guesses have been put forth on some of the most-commonly-encountered reasons
but
the details of what got said/done, and when/where it all took place,
they don't change the central issue:
People date, until they don't.

What does not matter:
1. whether she's a trickster vs. liked you but changed her mind
1a. if she changed her mind -- the reason why
2. whether it ends out of the blue vs. heaps of advance warning

Few people are cold/bold enough to sit a person down, right after sex, and say, "Look, it's over. I'm just not feeling ya, see?"

What does matter:
* you two are not a match
* you are not to blame for her behavior.
 AnnB72
Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 14
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/25/2012 11:10:35 AM
I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask if maybe the sex wasn't as great for her as it was for you? (Maybe the first round was not what she expected, so she went for round 2 in the morning to be conclusive?)
It's just a shot in the dark (and not meant to be insulting), because otherwise she really, really lead you on. She says "I'm used to living alone", like, what?! - were you planning on moving in together next week? Doubtful, probably, on your end, but if that's what she was thinking, she's a bit 'off' in the reality department and that would suggest she wasn't ready to date seriously at all.

If your behavior was accurate in the way you described it, then you did nothing wrong. She might have been trying to convince herself that you would be a good addition to her life as a means to justify that while she wasn't ready to be serious, she recognized you might be and then suddenly the sex made her realize that something in this 'relationship' was going to change (become more permanent) and she literally could not handle it.
 vancitygurl78
Joined: 7/6/2012
Msg: 16
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/25/2012 11:34:42 AM
WOW, first of all I wanna say, I'm sorry to hear that this happened to u!

Not really sure where her head is at or what she was thinking. Maybe she got out of a relationship recently and her emotions are mixed up and doesn't know what she wants now?

Or maybe, she just wanted sex from u and when she got it, she didn't want u anymore!

I can only think it has to do with maybe if she got out of a relationship recently. And she although may want to be with u and have a relationship with u, maybe things progressed alittle too fast?

If she's not willing to give u an answer, an honest answer, I think it's best u move on! I know u went out of ur way to meet her but u have to remember something, sometimes ppl do stupid things all the time and there's really no right answer for their behavior. It's best to just accept that it happened sooner than later.

Next time, hold off on sex for a month and see if women move on or stick around. Considering this all happened after sex, I have a feeling she used u and when she was done, she chucked u!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 17
view profile
History
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/25/2012 12:10:23 PM
I can answer one of your questions:


<div class="quote">Suppose I just dont understand how some one can be so keen and say all these things in your presence and then go in shower and then ..thats it.


In a relationship situation like this, it's extremely common for someone at the beginning of things, to say all sorts of things that they HOPE are true, based on initial sensations and feelings that they have. Your complaint here, that she gave every indication of falling in love with you, and having long-term plans with you, right up until the moment she shifted into reverse, matches well with that. The reason you thought this, wasn't because she was necessarily playing you false, it is much more likely that she had trepidations all along, which finally crystallized in the moments before she pronounced the end of the adventure.

In fact, the reason why the sex was so extra nice, might well have been because she was making a last ditch effort to convince herself that she'd given it all she had, and really tried everything.

In other words, while you were gradually building your hopes up, she was trying everything she could think of to get herself to believe things would work out, though they really weren't, even from the start. Once she had sex with you, and the sense of connectedness which many call a "spark" still wasn't there, she admitted to herself, and then to you, that it was useless to keep trying.
 vibrantshe
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 18
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/25/2012 12:11:16 PM
I recently had a very similar experience although my relationship was longer by four months. The man I was involved with was someone had known professionally for ten years. Like you, there was an extremely strong connection on an emotional, intellectual and sexual level in a very short time. Then my beloved said, he – like yours, he was not feeling “it”.

Here is my take on what happened in your girls mind.

Your girl romanticized and projected her wants and needs onto you. This had nothing to do with you and is very, very common. You could have been a chair or a bookshelf. Your girl was just smarter than my guy and got in-touch with her feeling very quickly. When she was alone in the shower, it crossed her mind that you are an actual person, an actual man. A man that she doesn’t really know. She literally and figuratively had a strange man in her house.

This can be a very scary and disconcerting situation for anyone, man or woman.

This is the moment we make a decision to do the work and get to really know our beloved. At this point both people involve have to agree to go forward or not to go forward. Such a scary and complicated proposition for someone who has already in their mind made you out to be something you are probably not.

I am very sorry this happened to you but please know you did nothing wrong and I strongly doubt you could have done anything to make it different.
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 20
view profile
History
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/26/2012 2:38:51 AM
The problem with sex with strangers is that they are, well, strangers. They don't know you, and you don't know them. And that's why, if you can't honestly say that you're ok with whatever might happen after sex with said stranger, which could be anything at all, I find it much better for my inner peace to only have sex with people I've known in a romantic context for a while.
 annywn
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 21
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/26/2012 3:02:02 AM
oh women can be bi-polar wierdos. Who knows what set her off, maybe the half life of her meds wore off. buck up there buckaroo! ;)
 aussieblues
Joined: 11/22/2011
Msg: 22
view profile
History
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/26/2012 3:40:47 AM
You went to a lot of time, effort and trouble to spend time with this woman. I've met women who behave this way...
I think it's the old "with one of 'these' I can make you do anything I want."
I'm sorry you were hurt by it.
 iahklu
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 23
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/26/2012 5:00:16 AM
I'm in agreement with peace and with aligning our actions to help promote that;
but this

The problem with sex with strangers is that they are, well, strangers. They don't know you, and you don't know them. And that's why, if you can't honestly say that you're ok with whatever might happen after sex with said stranger, which could be anything at all, I find it much better for my inner peace to only have sex with people I've known in a romantic context for a while.
confuses me somewhat
because
it sounds like a person who prefers to wait on sex, *scolding* a person who doesn't share that preference
(although I enjoyed the polite wording).

Waiting til you've known the person for X amount of time still doesn't guarantee that whatever might happen after sex (which could be anything at all) will be to your liking.

Since it doesn't, I don't see how that reasoning can prove one approach is more valid than another?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 24
view profile
History
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/26/2012 1:28:21 PM
Oh?

So, you're saying that there is no difference between date two, and say, seeing somebody twice a week for three months in terms of how well you know that person? In my experience, after about 3-6 months, you do begin to see the real person, and while surprises can still happen, they are vastly less likely, especially if you've been paying attention to who the other person actually is, rather than getting wrapped up in some kind of fantasy about how you would like them to be.

I'm not scolding anybody, nor do I believe one approach is more valid per se, but I AM in favor of accepting responsibility for ones actions. The OP came here for advice because he didn't like the results of his actions, and I'm pointing out what he could do differently.
 iahklu
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 26
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/27/2012 5:31:17 AM

wrapped up in some kind of fantasy

That might be the crucial distinction, OP.

Actions are important but so is the thinking.

Some people only have sex within a committed relationship & others have sex earlier to see if they even want a relationship.

Some people only bring dates to meet the family when they're thinking of getting serious & others bring many people around the family purely for socializing.

Imagine what happens when people date who think differently about these things, and they don't talk about them.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 27
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/27/2012 8:44:34 AM
I came here to seek understanding to why some one has acted in this way and led some one, I dont think my actions were flawed, it certainly could be a coincidence.


I suspect you unwittingly tripped her "hate click" switch. I've had it happen to me before, where things were going swimmingly with a man---but he soon revealed an irritating behavior that bugged me to the point where I just knew I couldn't picture myself spending the rest of my life with him. With one man I dated, it was because he chewed with his mouth partially open. The Urban Dictionary defines the "hate click" as follows:

1. hate click noun. The millisecond in which you realize that you don't love your significant other, you actually hate them. Is typically followed by the "It's not you, it's me..." conversation. Can also happen between friends.
When I realized how much Ed sweats and wipes his smeary face, it was total hate click.
 Halcyon_Skies
Joined: 2/1/2009
Msg: 29
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/27/2012 9:55:20 AM
Not feeling "butterflies" anymore seems to be an inarticulate person's way of expressing themselves. You probably said or did something to turn her off, but since it was on a subconscious level, she was unable to be more specific.
 ucfan032960
Joined: 11/19/2011
Msg: 30
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/27/2012 9:56:52 AM
I would've been confused too but it could be like the previous girl said. She may have some OCD about something you did and you'll never know because she may not realize it herself. I definitely wouldn't worry about it!
 Reg_Herring
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 33
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/27/2012 1:31:05 PM

Ok...so I've heard from the girl after I decided to text her last night. Maybe I shouldn't


You're right. Pestering a girl for a follow-up after she's made herself clear (intention-wise, if not verbally), is a weak thing to do. Next time, we're clipping a corner off your Man-Card.


I dont understand why she would let it go that far knowing she was going to have to tell me at some point that it wasnt going to happen.


"Only a fool looks for logic in the human heart." -- Everett McGill (George Clooney), "Oh Brother Where Art Thou?"
 caps_off
Joined: 9/9/2011
Msg: 34
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/27/2012 1:46:05 PM

Pestering a girl for a follow-up after she's made herself clear (intention-wise, if not verbally), is a weak thing to do.

According to whom? I don't see anything that constitutes pestering, and I have never heard that wanting more information is a sign of weakness. If anything, the idea you're hinting at, of not being able to let go (which I think is misapplied in this case) taken to an unhealthy extreme would be a stalker, aggressive type-- which is more of a masculine than feminine behavior.
 Reg_Herring
Joined: 6/30/2012
Msg: 35
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/27/2012 1:53:54 PM
According to whom?


According to anyone with any self-respect. "No" with an explanation is still "no". Among other things, you won't wear her down into just saying "yes" by badgering her for an explanation, whether you're upfront about it, or being a sneaky under-handed dog.

I'm a "rip the Band-Aid off quickly and get it over with" kind of guy, not a "peel it off a millimeter at a time, to prolong the pain" person...
 Jadeite19
Joined: 11/16/2012
Msg: 36
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/27/2012 2:29:44 PM
This happens to women all the time. And we hate it. You sound like a a nice guy and I am sad that this happened to you. However, I swear, she sounds bipolar. My niece is bipolar and her moods change from one moment to the next (it's called rapid cycling). You should probably take it that you dodged a bullet, I'm sorry to say.
 Jadeite19
Joined: 11/16/2012
Msg: 37
Ended out of the blue
Posted: 11/27/2012 2:35:13 PM
So.... she felt no connection but the sex was "Top Draw"? There are very few women who can have have no butterflies or feelings for a man, send him a bunch of text messages about introducing him to the fam, proceed to have Top Draw sex with him, then dump him like a hot potato. Yep, so VERY DEFINITELY bipolar.

Dude. You so dodged a hollow-point bullet. You really did. Remember the great sex and move on to someone who's not crazy.
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Ended out of the blue