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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Broken up without breaking up??      Home login  
Joined: 8/18/2009
Msg: 1
Broken up without breaking up??Page 1 of 1    
I had been dating a lady whom I met around Labor Day. She's 42 and I'm 45. We're both divorced and have kids the same age. On our 3rd date, she confided in me that she was bipolar and was scared that I wouldn't be interested in her because my ex wife was bp and it affected our marriage a lot. For almost 3 months things couldn't have been better. We immediately started meeting for dinner dates and a concert and had great times every time. She stayed at my place for two nights during the week after almost 2 months of dating and she said she wanted to stay in the next time we got together so we could just make love all day and night. We spoke for hours the next two days and nights & all seemed great. Then she stopped contact except for a few brief texts and short emails and no calls. She even took a call from my child's phone and acted as if she couldn't hear me? She texted me that we would talk, (never called),made no mention of being depressed/BP and said "This is not personal, I promise". I texted and called a few more times but to no avail. I did reach a friend of hers who told me she had spoken with and seen her and that she was fine, no issues, just that she was a very independent person and to let her contact me. Question: is she through with me and also, this happened when I am going through the terminal illness with my mother. Is this salvageable? Or I am I just delusional?
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2
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Broken up without breaking up??
Posted: 12/1/2012 8:16:43 AM
If this is anything like the mess of a life I went through with MY bipolar wife, this is a standard sort of episode you will have to get used to.

In my wife, the bipolar stuff had the effect, that she would appear to be an avid member of our naturally growing an evolving love relationship, sometime for fairly long periods. Then the biochemical switch would flip, and suddenly I was both persona non grata, and I was supposed to magically know this. It was very similar to the idea of dealing with multiple personalities, except that in the movie versions of those, each personality is unaware of the others. With my wife, it was more that because her perceptions were distorted, she genuinely thought both that she was the one who was stable and unchanging, while I was wildly fluctuating, and she believed that at every moment I was entirely aware of my "defects." When the switch flipped back again, she was still unaware that she had been the one who fluctuated, and thought that I had finally come around and behaved myself, because her "chastisement" had worked.

I relationship terms, I experienced the "broken up without breaking up" thing again and again, because she never perceived her telling me to shrivel up and die during the negative times, as actually meaning what the words themselves meant.

The trick about bipolar, though, is that it's not that specific a designation or diagnosis. My wife's version of it might not be anything like this woman's version. Doctors decide on the designation from their own interpretation of a large collection of behaviors, attitudes, and often from responses to attempts to help with medicines, that backfire. So one person's bipolar experience can be entirely unlike another one's.
Joined: 10/17/2012
Msg: 3
Broken up without breaking up??
Posted: 12/1/2012 12:20:16 PM
Yes, It seems like she has broken up with you and avoided the break up speech in which she would have given you perhaps many reasons except for the truth.
She doesn't want to see you anymore, obviously. Don't hold your breath trying to figure out why. Let it go and spend your energy finding someone more compatible.
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 4
Broken up without breaking up??
Posted: 12/1/2012 10:10:45 PM
Who knows what's running through the woman's head but if that was me and three months went by and I hear nothing I would have long started the search from someone else. It's totally up to you if you want to try and work with her and her condition but it will always be an up and down relationship. It's always nicer when people leave with an explanation but most cases they just walk out of your life and never look back and don't really care what feelings and questions you're going through. People that are interested in you WILL make sure they are in constant contact with you. They don't want to loose you so they do the normal things a relationship requires and is expected of them. They know full well what they should be doing to keep you interested in them. If they drop off the face of the earth with no warning and no explanation, then it's up to you to pack up and move on. If you want to spend time questioning why why why feel free but it wont give you a satisfactory answer as to why it didn't work out. She's the only one that can do that for you and she chose to say three small words. " It's not you". So there you have it, your answer all wrapped up in a pretty pink bow.. It's not you. She knows that she is not going to be contacting you again. She told you it's not you this is her choice. All you need to do now is accept it and begin to find another beautiful woman that can connect and stay connected with you. You have lot's of choices out there and it's not the end of the world to be single and looking again (even if it was only three months).

Pick yourself up, tell yourself what you need to hear to feel sexy again and get out there and find what you have been looking for. From the men that write from their experience with a BP wife they all sound like they went through hell with her and some may have loved her but it was still hell. They know what they are talking about, you know as you had one as well in your past. Take this as your warning sign that it's over.

Women will often pull away in hopes that you will come charging after her and reassuring her you will never let her go or fight for her.. sounds like a lot of work to me but if you want to be her prince charming and go rescue her, you know where to find her!

Best of luck to you either way
Joined: 8/18/2009
Msg: 5
Broken up without breaking up??
Posted: 12/15/2012 9:03:47 AM
Thanks everyone, for weighing in. I really appreciate it and am just trying to sort though what I should do and feel. Just to clarify, she never said "it's not you, it's me" She said(texted) "This is not personal, I promise.". which I believe is in reference to the fact that I felt she might be experiencing some issues with her Bipolar disorder. But a friend of hers I emailed said she was fine and was "sure once things settled down I would hear from her". Settled down? I decided not to push it and have gotten back on a few dating sites but my heart just isn't all that into it yet. But who knows, I was not looking for her and she showed up and in spite of everything, I still have hope but I am not waiting around any more.
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 6
Broken up without breaking up??
Posted: 12/15/2012 12:11:52 PM
She could have just done the fade on you.

However, if there were no bad words or text between you...
text or voicemail her a happy holiday feeler.
or a happy BirthDay when that rolls around.

You can use occaisions like that to stay in touch without being a pest.
and see if she responds.

and yes...
definitely keep your options open.

good luck.
Joined: 7/30/2012
Msg: 7
Broken up without breaking up??
Posted: 12/16/2012 4:44:15 AM
Run, run, run, as fast as you can. She has dumped on you and you do not deserve to be disrespected.
You deserve to be with someone that you can count on. She has already causes you emotional
pain. Trust me, you will have an unhappy life with someone like her.

Let her go along with any ideas of a healthy relationship with a person like her. Be happy, healthy,
strong, independent and drama free. Get out into the world and find a happy respectful lady.

Hold that head of high, be strong, and proud of who you are. Love will find you.
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 8
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Broken up without breaking up??
Posted: 12/16/2012 6:09:18 AM
You should be able to ask her if the relationship is salvageable. You can't. If you can't it's not worth it.

Save yourself a headache and heartache run!

There are others who will be there for you and still have rockin' sex.

Careful you don't put too much value on the sex. It's often a symptom of the manic side. When the depression side hits...the sex is either not there or lame.
Joined: 9/10/2006
Msg: 9
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Broken up without breaking up??
Posted: 12/16/2012 7:59:07 AM
OP -

Sorry to hear of your situation...I have "you know what" that is managed with medication and common sense...did she fall off the wagon? Possibly, I don't know her. On the other hand did she just bail as often happens at the 3 month mark? I am more inclined to go with that scenario.

You sound like a good guy, and for all we know she is a great gal, but for reasons only she can answer she has pulled the plug
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 10
Broken up without breaking up??
Posted: 12/16/2012 8:10:04 AM
That is just the way it is with bipolar disorder. I knew a person who went years living a good life on medication then one decided the meds were not working. Never got it back together. Another person I knew was very extreme. The mood swings were almost daily. Another was good at using condition to manipulate people. Someone tells me or shows signs of being bipolar I run. Sorry if it is offensive, but they make me feel crazy because you can never get them.
Joined: 8/18/2009
Msg: 11
Broken up without breaking up??
Posted: 12/16/2012 12:27:17 PM
Thank you, that is so sweet of you to say. I appreciate and don't disagree with any or many of the responses here. It is just that when you had and shared so many good moments and times with someone, even in a small amount of time, relatively speaking, it is difficult to just forget it and not feel that twinge of nostalgia about songs, and conversations and things we were gong to do, but probably never will. But I have been in this place before and know it takes time but damn, this time I thought it was different. Thanks again.
Joined: 8/18/2009
Msg: 12
Broken up without breaking up??
Posted: 12/16/2012 12:49:23 PM
Thank you for the condolences, I appreciate it.
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