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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > If I tell him and it is not mutual it could hurt our friendship - S      Home login  
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 aufootballgirl
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 1
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If I tell him and it is not mutual it could hurt our friendship - Should I tell him???Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
I met "Joe" seven years ago and we have been good friends through the years. Over the last year we have become very close. He has told me he has told me things he has never told anyone. Due to some insecurities he has, I have been very verbal in giving him words of affirmation which does him a lot for his self esteem. It hit me today, I am falling for him and do not know what to do. If I tell him and it is not mutual it could hurt our friendship but I can't keep conversing with him to this level and "just be friends"...It is killing me. He keeps texting me and I do not know what to say..so I say nothing.

Any sugguestions? Thanks for your help! :-)
 _TALL_IQ2_
Joined: 2/10/2010
Msg: 2
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 4:47:41 PM
do not know what to do. If I tell him and it is not mutual it could hurt our friendship but I can't keep conversing with him to this level and "just be friends"...It is killing me. He keeps texting me and I do not know what to say..so I say nothing.

STOP the @#^&* texting !! Tell him on the phone that you will talk to him in PERSON for all those intimate conversations... Then when you see him and have dinner, talking about everything and start touching his hands, arm and shoulders. Give him a neck massage and a backrub, see how he responds. A normal man who is attracted to you will respond well to that type of touching.
 Anywherbuthere
Joined: 12/30/2011
Msg: 3
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 4:49:02 PM
"It is killing me."

That would say it all for me.
 SugahPunkin
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 4
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 4:49:15 PM
yea.. what the tall one said..

:)
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 5
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:02:45 PM
Idk...How did you start off being just friends? Did you date and both decided..just friends or was it just mutual friends in common and you just started hanging out?
I think this is an important factor in trying to switch it up.
In my experiences....If a man and I have been friends because I befriended him first....which is usually the way it happens....I find that they are open to more...where I have not been.

Anyways...don't avoid him...be normal and maybe say a few things...little innuendos...tactfully...maybe a touch but some guys wouldn't pick up on that if they are not interested.
I am pretty communicative...If my feelings were starting to change I'd probably bring it up...let the cards fall...lol.
I would never start massaging a friend...too weird!
 aufootballgirl
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 6
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Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:03:38 PM
I know he is attracted to me but he is on a dating site and I do not want to be one of many women he sees. I definitely do not want to be friends with benefits...
 TuMuchFun
Joined: 9/29/2008
Msg: 7
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Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:09:54 PM
Friggin go for it, join the site he's on and message him. Nothing to lose darlin.
 ilikefuzzylildogs
Joined: 10/27/2012
Msg: 8
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:16:55 PM
Is it possible he doesn't know you feel the same way about him?
 toightpants
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 9
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:18:03 PM
So

we have been good friends through the years...we have become very close... I do not know what to say

you've become so close that you don't know how to talk to your friend of 7 years?


Any sugguestions?

Maybe realize that as soon as this

I am falling for him

happened your relationship as you know it has ceased to exist.
From now on how you interact with him can't really be classified under the "friend" label.
i.e. "He keeps texting me and I do not know what to say..so I say nothing."

So this

it could hurt our friendship

is really rather meaningless now.
Because you are no longer in a friendship.

So

Should I tell him???

In some ways it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter because if you don't tell him directly you are going to tell him indirectly.
No matter what, your behavior towards him is changing, he is getting feedback no matter what you do.
You have a couple of options, direct or indirect.
Either uncontrolled indirectly like a kid that has to pee. You're going to dance around and hold your crotch and hope (on some level) he gets the message.
Or controlled indirectly where you try and play specific games to determine how he feels by how he reacts to your behavior.
Let's say you start rubbing his shoulders, give him a massage, get more touchy, and he doesn't reciprocate...do you really think that's not going to lead to the same thing that just being direct, open, and honest would do?

Let's say you do go with controlled indirect communication and start getting more physically intimate, rubbing, hugging, hand holding, massaging, whatever, and he does reciprocate. Does that mean he actually feels the same way about you?
Is there any way to guarantee that he isn't simply fulfilling the implied social contract in the label of friends, of giving you what he thinks you want in order to keep you happy?
Do you know what kind of interaction you wish to pursue? Is that communicated through indirect games?
How do you know he doesn't simply think you want to add benefits to the friendship rather than be more than friends?

If you choose the direct option you can define exactly what's going on with you, what you want, what you expect, and what you are going to do.
 msemeraldeyes73
Joined: 9/11/2012
Msg: 10
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:27:12 PM



Friggin go for it, join the site he's on and message him. Nothing to lose darlin.



I agree if you can't communicate directly.... join the same site and send something witty to his profile.

You will never know if you never try..... Take a leap of faith!
 deere_rancher
Joined: 4/4/2012
Msg: 11
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Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:32:38 PM
OP .. I think if "Joe"was interested in having an exclusive relationship with you,
you would already know that.

Its possible that, just like you ..he's been holding back.

I have been in Joe's position ...and was disappointed when she crossed the line.
Less than two years later she married , we're still friends , but the balance did shift
after she told me. .

It might be better if, you hint and gauge his reaction before you decide to
express your feelings
 sigungq
Joined: 10/6/2012
Msg: 12
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:44:22 PM

I met "Joe" seven years ago and we have been good friends through the years. Over the last year we have become very close. He has told me he has told me things he has never told anyone. Due to some insecurities he has, I have been very verbal in giving him words of affirmation which does him a lot for his self esteem. It hit me today, I am falling for him and do not know what to do. If I tell him and it is not mutual it could hurt our friendship but I can't keep conversing with him to this level and "just be friends"...It is killing me. He keeps texting me and I do not know what to say..so I say nothing.

Any sugguestions? Thanks for your help! :-)


I can't say I speak for all men here, but I have a feeling I speak for most. We guys are pretty brain-dead when it comes to picking up on the subtle hints you ladies try to give us. I think most of us need to hit upside the head with a brick to get our attention. That said, I think that love is (among many other things) a risk. You risk a lot when you fall for someone. You risk a lot when you tell them of your feelings. However, here's how I see it. If you don't ever tell him how you feel, or at very least hit him with a brick, he may never know. In that case he may go looking elsewhere, and end up with someone else. What do get? A broken heart and unrequited love. If you tell him, one of three things can happen, proceeding from worst to best: 1) You get a broken heart, unrequited love, and still remain friends. 2) You get a broken heart, and your friendship falls apart, and with time you heel and move on. 3) He returns the feelings, and you both ride into the sunset on a white horse and live happily ever after......... Or some variation on that basic theme.

So you can suffer your life away in silence, and pretty much guarantee he will find someone else, or you can open up, in which case the worst that can happen is number 1 above, and the best is number 3.

Good luck. - Q.
 somekinda_wonderful
Joined: 4/21/2012
Msg: 13
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Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 5:55:52 PM
Christmas always brings out the best/worst in us, more lonely, vulnurable, etc. Make sure your feelings are not influenced by the season. If your confident in your feelings for him, the suggestions about touching, reaching out to him to guage his reaction would be in my opinion the way to go.
 supplygoodguy
Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 14
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 6:23:20 PM

I know he is attracted to me but he is on a dating site and I do not want to be one of many women he sees. I definitely do not want to be friends with benefits...


oh oh.. sounds like you want to be another notch on his wampum belt.,. good luck with that .. if you already are aware of his activities and his behavior with women.. and you know he is a male hoe and you want to be in the line up.. good luck.. he is not, I repeat not relationship material..

and another observation.. if this guy hasn't asked you out and he has known you as a friend for seven years .. safe to say you are always going to be a friend.. he is not interested or he would have already asked you out.. another reason why you don't bother or you'll be wasting valuable time..
 aufootballgirl
Joined: 8/19/2011
Msg: 15
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Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 6:25:37 PM
No cyber relationship at all... dinner, movies, etc
 Quasimodo11543
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 16
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 6:27:42 PM
There are only 2 great tragedies in life. One, is not getting what you ask for, and two, is getting it.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 17
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 6:32:51 PM
OP, my best relationships with men started as friendships.

Take a deep breath, and step back a bit from the “it’s killing me,” feeling.

Once you feel more in emotional control, tell him how you feel, in person, just like you’ve said here. “I’m falling for you and want to pursue something serious with you. What do you think?”

As you’re saying this wrap your arms around his waist then give him a slow kiss. I’ve always found showing rather than telling works best. ;)
 SingleInArlington
Joined: 6/18/2011
Msg: 18
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/5/2012 6:40:16 PM
Flirting and awarness of their reaction tends to work for me.
 ggpaws
Joined: 11/6/2012
Msg: 19
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/6/2012 4:45:16 AM
Lucky Santa! Tell Him! He may be thinking the same way. You have the friendship and connection that is so important in a relationship. He cares for you or he would not have been around so long. You have nothing to gain by being silent.
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 20
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Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/6/2012 4:55:34 AM
Over the last year we have become very close. He has told me he has told me things he has never told anyone.


I know he is attracted to me


No cyber relationship at all... dinner, movies, etc

Sounds like more than a friendship to me..
You mentioned his insecurities in your first post. Guess he still have some work to do.
You said you have been helping with that. Well, time to tell him how you feel.
But don't text him that.
 AJ2517
Joined: 2/27/2006
Msg: 21
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/6/2012 7:47:01 AM
I agree with one poster, you have been friends for 7 years and no moves??.....He wants to be your friend still and nothing more....Now I think you can tell him what you feel and if you are both adults and he doesn't feel the same, true friendship shouldn't disappear....We are talking adults here right?
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 22
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/6/2012 8:57:15 AM
The only time I have seen a friend Zone to change into a relationship is when the woman is the one that makes the switch. So you are the woman. Go for it.
 supplygoodguy
Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 23
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/6/2012 9:05:03 AM
Something I neglected in rereading statements of the OP poster.. he is her friend for seven years, she knows he is attracted to her, they go out to dinner and movies.. sure sounds like dates to me without a move to a next level.. .. and now he is searching for a girlfriend..and all of a sudden she is interested and attracted.. YOU'RE PLAYING GAMES .. seven years is a long time to figure out whether or not their is any heat on the frying pan .. and now because you think yoiu are the center of the universe and he is looking for more on date sites you WANT HIM.. nope you just do not want him to have more.. you don't want him.. you're playing games . You have no right to arrest the happiness of another because he wants a girlfriend .. and if you felt the hots for this guy for seven years I'll be a monkey's aunt.
You need to wake up and accept the fact that you need to let go .. and let this man who must have been interested in you have a life.. and you need the same.. a seven year friendship itching into desire is crap... I sure hope that he doesn't introduce his new girlfriend to you or it could be a self centered cat twitching nightmare..

no way in hell it takes seven years to figure out if you are attracted.. and the development of him being on date sites is the reason you all of a sudden want this guy.. nope you're going to miss your self centered attention.. and you're no more attracted to him than flying to the bare butt moons..

so glad I watched criminal minds last nite.. that's my didactic tactic on this and I'm sticking... no pun, to-it.
 Fleuron
Joined: 8/18/2010
Msg: 24
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/6/2012 10:04:37 AM

you have been friends for 7 years and no moves??.....


If she can develop romantic feelings for him after seven years, why can’t he develop romantic feelings for her?
 clayart
Joined: 3/25/2012
Msg: 25
Should I tell him???
Posted: 12/6/2012 10:41:31 AM

I know he is attracted to me but he is on a dating site and I do not want to be one of many women he sees.

Did it ever enter your mind that he is on a dating site because he wants to have someone special in his life ? When he finds her, whether it's here or in the real world (like someone he has known for seven years) he will get out of this crazy fishin' hole. Do you really think that man has been buddies with a beautiful single woman for seven years and he has no other interest in you ? Wake Up ! He has already made love to you a million times, you just weren't there.

Call him now. Have him over for dinner as soon as possible. Put clean sheets on your bed. Stop wasting time.

You will forever regret it if you don't.
Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > If I tell him and it is not mutual it could hurt our friendship - Should I tell him???