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 AUTHOR
 blaqwynter
Joined: 11/17/2012
Msg: 1
Best friend cheats on BFPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I have this best friend of 15 years. The other night in convo on FB, she told me that she's been cheating on her boyfriend. I told her if it wasn't working out with her and her bf, that she should have dumped him before ever cheating on the poor guy. I feel this has ruined my respect for her, because she's not willing to listen to me and that she wants to keep stringing him along while she has her cake and eats it too. I'm not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore because of her sudden polygamist actions; she never used to be like this. Should I tell her boyfriend, turn cheek to the situation, or walk away from our long time friendship?
 eklektika
Joined: 8/14/2012
Msg: 2
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 9:01:10 AM
Honestly it's none of your business. Stay out of their relationship and focus on the one with you and your friend. I've been in the same situation and I took a step back and realized although I didn't respect their actions they were still a good friend.

I have lot's of different friends that are into things that I am not into at all, be it cheating, drugs, or baseball....It doesn't make them a bad person, it's their decisions and actions that I don't agree with and I let them know how I feel and then just don't involve myself in that aspect of their lives. If and when they decide to change things around I will be there to support them.
 blaqwynter
Joined: 11/17/2012
Msg: 3
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 9:13:51 AM
Thnx for your comment, but she told me about it. So its hard not to ignore it when she keeps messaging me about. Sad. I know each to their own but this is where I want to draw the line here with her..
No I won't tell him, but the truth comes out eventually... May not be by me, but by someone else she may have told.

I just hate how she involved me by telling me. Its awkward now... If you know what I mean.. lol
 blaqwynter
Joined: 11/17/2012
Msg: 4
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 9:16:31 AM
CaptainA.D

Yup that factor has played my mind too. Risky business... Is it so wrong for me to worry not only about what she's doing but about him too? :-(
 Green_Jello44
Joined: 6/19/2011
Msg: 5
view profile
History
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 9:19:37 AM
Well our friends aren't perfect, but they must have some value to be our friends for so many years. My ex had a married friend who cheated with multiple guys, my ex didn't like it, but after 30 years they will always be friends...turneth thy cheek.
 FairOaksChick
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 6
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 9:36:02 AM
Stay out of it. Do not tell her boyfriend. (Doing so makes it sound like you have the hots for him). Let her know that you do not approve of what she is doing and that you do not want to hear about it, or about the other guy. For all you know, b/f could be cheating on her. You can't say for sure he is not, unless you are around him 24/7.
 clayart
Joined: 3/25/2012
Msg: 7
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 9:36:52 AM

Honestly it's none of your business.

I agree. Keep an eye on her though, if you remain friends. Cheaters are not honest people. Most people think cheating is about sex. In most cases it isn't. It is all about them. Low self esteem and a need to be needed.


It doesn't make them a bad person

I disagree. When you meet Mister Wonderful your cheating GFs will be all over him. He'll get his wanker sucked or not, but they will try and then you will change your mind.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 8
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 9:59:13 AM
you got some classy best friend there what can i say. if she's that cavalier about some guys she's crawling into bed with, what makes you think she'd treat you any better if she saw any reason to take advantage of your kindness?

honestly i can't say that i wouldn't be tempted to let him know about it. if he were my friend, or a family member, yes i'd tell him. if i didn't know him, i'd just stay out of it. either way, i'd dump her. who needs sleazebag friends i mean really. there's no getting back respect once it's been lost, IMO.
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 9
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 10:02:08 AM
Why is she cheating on him? Is he unfaithful or being deceitful with her in some other way? Some people have messy break-ups because emotional bonds can take a while to loosen up. Actually its not just some people....the statistics are very high regarding affairs with married and unmarried couples.

Personally I have had the self-disclipine and morality to end relationships and wait a significant amount of time before dating someone new. But I've seen alot of people break up and a week later being with someone new. IMO that is also uncool, like I said it takes a while for those emotional bonds to release and the two people to be free of one another.

But if he's a good guy who loves her and is doing his best, and she is using him.........then you should tell him. Who cares what she thinks....if she's that dishonest do you really need her in your life?
 toightpants
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 10
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 10:13:46 AM
I think you should walk away from your long term relationship.
Just because any other advice is going to be meaningless.
Based mostly on this:

I told her if it wasn't working out with her and her bf, that she should have dumped him before ever cheating on the poor guy. I feel this has ruined my respect for her

You told her what she should do, like her mother.
Then you are playing games with guilt ostracizing rationalizing changing your image of her.

You've already started down a specific path.
Instead of ignoring the whole "cheating" relationship to dig deeper into your relationship and what you know about each other to find out what is actually wrong, motivating the behavior, you've simply decided to focus on the immediate behavior and judge it.
If you try to switch paths you are just going to be inconsistent and going to make things worse, forcing one of you to walk away because in realistic terms you are going to hop back and forth between being her confidant and her friend and her moral conscience.

So I think you should walk away, because I don't think you're really capable of doing anything meaningful for your friend, and from this point on all you are going to do is either support a facade of a relationship and talk behind her back (like here on the forums), and/or start directly acting other than as a friend in order to uphold the group rules of "cheating is bad, conform or be ostracized."

This

Should I tell her boyfriend

is just for yourself, to assuage yourself of any responsibility towards your friend and that relationship, self centered, meaning she's not really your friend, just your puppy that peed on the carpet..

This

turn cheek to the situation

isn't really possible now because you've already inserted yourself via your FB discussion with her.
You had the chance to say "Don't tell me anymore, I don't want to know," but you didn't take it.
You've already participated in it, it's been a few nights since then, your position is already set.
 blaqwynter
Joined: 11/17/2012
Msg: 11
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 10:29:14 AM
Yeah my head is spinning from certain replies in this thread. I wonder how they'd feel if their SO was cheating on them, and they contracted an STD especially, HIV!
 Msholiday282
Joined: 8/28/2012
Msg: 12
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 10:42:11 AM
If she has been your "best friend" for so long and this is new behaviour, why would you unfriend her. She will go on her path just as you will on yours. A true friend is there for her, is kind and compassionate, non judgemental. . When she mentions this let her know that you don't agree with what she is doing and tell her to practice safe sex. For goodness sake don't tell the boyfriend. He'll hear the news soon enough. Don't judge her because she sins differently than you do.
 mosena87
Joined: 11/19/2012
Msg: 13
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 10:43:05 AM
If you're that disgusted by her behavior, just walk away from the friendship. I don't think it would be appropriate to tell her BF unless you're close friends with him as well, even though I would definitely want to know if I were him.
 tampasmiles
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 14
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 11:00:19 AM
She isn't much of a friend if you can't talk this over ...and still accept her for who she is...you don't have to accept the behavior...if you walk away from a friend over something like this...you are a "sunny day" friend...

I knew a couple that the wife cheated...it wasn't my business to tell...it's their life and they worked through it...and are still married...30 years later...be careful..if you get involved...you may be the one on the outs...and thought of as a gossip or nosey body...and one definitely not to share secrets with.
 eklektika
Joined: 8/14/2012
Msg: 15
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 11:03:48 AM

Yeah my head is spinning from certain replies in this thread. I wonder how they'd feel if their SO was cheating on them, and they contracted an STD especially, HIV!


Oh I would want to know for sure, but I don't think it's a friends place, it really doesn't show loyalty for that friendship and than trust is broken of both sides of the friendship and would be even harder to repair. They are 2 separate relationships and should be kept as such. Like others said be clear on your stance tell her to be safe and that is the last that you have to say on the subject.
 FairOaksChick
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 16
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 11:17:23 AM
^^^Agree. If you think that telling him is going to make him want to fall into your arms, you are wrong. He is a big boy and can take care of himself. It is NOT your place to tell him.
 blaqwynter
Joined: 11/17/2012
Msg: 17
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 11:31:17 AM
LOL thing is I'm not interested in him. I'm not sure why you some of you tend to think that I want this guy to fall into my arms, when really I'm concerned about the health of the two. .. Maybe I may stand incorrect for me to assume that you assume I am wanting him.

And maybe some of you are right with saying I should walk away, maybe you're not. I have been patient with her, but just seems like I can't get a word in without her getting too excited and jumping all over the place... I guess time will tell in what happens huh?
 JohnAGalt
Joined: 9/23/2012
Msg: 18
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 11:51:10 AM
here what you should consider, will telling the boyfriend solve anything?
what do you expect him to do? maybe he knows, maybe he suspects maybe ,maybe, maybe

Your friend is a skank, so you need to ask your self do you want to associate with a skank?
will you feel better after telling the boyfriend that his girlfriend is a cheating skank?

What will be the end result between you and your friend, will you continue the friendship or cut it off and move on?
are you prepared for the boyfriend if confronted to either cry on your shoulder or shoot the messenger, because this woman has been doing that for a while and she has her excuses ready just in case she is caught or she might blame you and think you are after her boyfriend and convince him of that and you might have to worry about his coming on to you as a rebound after he breaks up with her.

Lots of things to ponder.
 Habs_Fan13
Joined: 3/19/2012
Msg: 19
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 1:10:05 PM
Definitely do not go to him.
What I would do in this situation is just bluntly but, politely tell her that I don't want to be involved or informed about this situation since, I've already told you my thoughts and opinions on it. I don't agree with it and would rather we just talk about something else.
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 20
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 1:32:37 PM
Who are we to judge anyone? I have male and female friends that cheat, it happens. I don't judge them because they like to have sex, and when they're attracted to someone just do it.

As for dumping a friendship based on my MORAL COMPASS ... really? I'm holier than thou? C'mon. If the OP chooses her friends wisely, they bring a lot to the relationship. One poster wrote about being able to speak freely with another person without fear. Do I personally tell my friends (not acquaintances) how I feel about their cheating? I do the married ones because I know their spouses and have that friendship as well. But I just say it's not cool, and not judge and leave it at that.

OP, if you're still involved in the thread ... stay out of it if the friend brings something to your personal relationship. It's none of your business. We can't control other people, this is a fatal flaw in our makeup. We think we can change people ... we can't. We can support people, love them and be there for them. But we will never change them.

G
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 21
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History
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 1:46:52 PM
There's more than one issue here, and they are not actually reliant on each other.

One, is your respect for your once-and-long-time-friend. That you now know that her standards of behavior are not on the same page as yours, has nothing at all to do with what you decide to do vis-a-vis telling HER official boyfriend. This issue, is entirely yours to decide upon. Make up your mind on the single issue: do you want to be friends of any sort with someone who lies and cheats like that. If yes, then you have to work entirely within yourself, to work out how you can deal with your negative emotions about it. If not, then you dump your long time friend.

As to whether or not to tell the BF, that is a problem. It is true, that the whole mess is not yours to decide about or act upon, but then most of the bad things in the world are like that.

If you opt to tell him, because your personal beliefs and principles demand that you do, fine. You must accept the consequences of doing so, whatever those consequences are. I would myself be hard pressed to decide, because I have multiple principles which would be involved, and they happen to conflict in a situation such as this. If I were friends with each of the people involved, then my sense of honor towards each of them, would require that I protect their privacy, AND that I alert them to dangers to them of which I am aware. If I were friends with only the one who was lying to the other, then things would be more challenging.

All I can recommend, really, is that you make sure of your motives. This wont necessarily make it easier to decide your course of action, but it will make it MUCH easier to EXPLAIN your actions later, should questions arise.

Make sure, for example, that you are, or are not wanting to tell the BF, as a way to punish your friend for disappointing you as she has. If you are convinced that it is your personal duty to protect the BF from her lies, then go ahead and tell him. Accept that this will not be a simple message delivery, and that he will not necessarily believe you, or be happy that you let him know. Realize that you are doing this TO PLEASE YOURSELF, and not to prove to anyone else that you are a good person. This isn't a criticism, it's an exercise in self-awareness, which will help you to be more comfortable with whatever you decide to do.
 JohnAGalt
Joined: 9/23/2012
Msg: 22
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 1:50:33 PM
Another thing to consider is, what if you get a boyfriend and your best friend decides that she has the hots for the guy and tries to fool around with him? if cheating is something you detest and your best friend is doing it and the boyfriend is one of those good guys, how do you think he is going to feel if he finds out you knew about it and didnt warn him?


Maybe you should distance yourself from this chick, delete her from your FB page and life, unless your friends with the BF and he is being true to her you should break it to him and move on.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 23
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 2:10:51 PM
I don't understand why somebody would go around broadcasting this, especially on the internet. Once you put something on the internet, it never completely disappears. It's always floating around in cyberspace. Is the cheating wife hoping she'll get caught so the he leaves instead of her? I have no respect for cheaters to begin with, but a cheater that is bragging about it on Fkbk is the lowest of the low.

I guess this is one of those "What would Jesus do in this situation" scenarios. What would you want to happen if you had a spouse who was cheating on you and your friend's husband/boyfriend knew about it and you didn't know yet? Would you want to be told? What you would consider the right thing to do if in his situation is what you should do.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 24
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 2:15:02 PM

you got some classy best friend there what can i say


I agree. I would also walk. In fact, I actually have. Just turned and never spoken to this one guy that I once defined as a "friend". He actually has the gonads to whine about how "I" disapeared on him with my family and other mutual friends. He doesn't even deserve an explanation from me, cause obviously he's too stupid to understand common sense. Basically, I killed him within my own little phucked up head.
 clayart
Joined: 3/25/2012
Msg: 25
Best friend cheats on BF
Posted: 12/6/2012 2:24:33 PM

Basically, I killed him within my own little phucked up head.


and had some whiskey. Correct ?????
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