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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Needing Advice..from both men and woman      Home login  
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 RERE1026
Joined: 4/4/2009
Msg: 2
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Needing Advice..from both men and womanPage 1 of 1    
Unfortunately, I think you and your friends have said it all. I fear this repeat itself over and over again until she gets it......either that or smacked with a 2X4 to wake her up. Keep trying, nice to have friends who care.
 Debyduz_
Joined: 5/4/2012
Msg: 3
Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/8/2012 9:43:29 AM
The problem is not what is wrong with your friend it is what is wrong with you for sticking with a person who obviously doesn't have a clue and doesn't want to one. People can't be clingy unless you let them cling to you. Look at yourself and this so called friend.
 toightpants
Joined: 11/15/2012
Msg: 4
Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/8/2012 9:49:20 AM

Please what can I say to her?

If she doesn't "really" see a problem she's not going to change anything, and it won't matter what you say to her.
And just crying to you doesn't mean she "really" see's a problem, she can simply be using you to stroke her victim status.


I have given her advice, which is either being ignored or listened and not being put into action.

If it was unsolicited advice, it's always going to be ignored.
If she just wants to get validation from you by sucking out "there there, it's okay, here's what you have to do, I accept you, and I will stick around even though you keep doing the same thing and whining" from you then the advice you give is arbitrary and going to be ignored because it's not what she's coming to you for.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 5
Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/8/2012 9:51:08 AM
She only understands relationships that end in abandonment.

Only professional help and her own willingness can effect a change.
As her friend, you can only listen, give support/ suggestions, but do not get invested in her actions or whether she follows advice.

She is broken and you can't fix her.
If that is too much to accept, let her go.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 7
Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/8/2012 9:59:25 AM
^^^ But you HAVE made it your problem.

just tired of her crying on my shoulder.


People are pointing out that you can't change her, you can only change yourself. So, perhaps you need to look at why you support her and her years of being "victimized" by men abandoning her.

It's a legitimate question.


You may want to look at your issues with possible co-dependency.
Al-Anon has free meetings for people who are addicted to other people's problems.
Doesn't have to be about alcohol, or an opposite sex relationship.


Here's their website:

http://www.ola-is.org/
 packagedealx3
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 10
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Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/8/2012 11:16:45 AM
Sweetheart, you cannot make people listen to you. You can give them advice, let them know what you think but other than that they have to figure things out themselves. She'll stay in the pattern until she's sick of it. If you don't want to listen to the whining then simply tell her I love you to death but doing the same thing over and over again with a different guy is difficult for people to listen to when you won't make any changes. Ask her to use your shoulder a little less and maybe she'll get her head out of her rear and change the way she approaches things.

And fyi, it may not be entirely her. I think most relationships either make it to the 3-6 months at some point people find they aren't suited for the long haul. She really needs to stop dating until she's okay being alone.
 CharminC
Joined: 2/19/2011
Msg: 12
Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/8/2012 11:28:32 AM
Honestly?
She needs to be told to quit whining, shut her legs and focus on raising her child who I assume is still little. Poor kid will have to grow up knowing he/she has a****for a father. Instead of focusing on finding love she should be focusing on loving the child....period! The last thing the child needs is a mother with the issues she is having with a revolving door of men.
She also need to hear that you're tired of being a soundboard for her repetitive issues. Of course you are her friend but enough is enough.

She's a grown woman. It's time for her to grow up and hear the absolute truth.
Hopefully the time will give her a chance to think things thoroughly.
And by time, I don't mean weeks.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 13
Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/8/2012 11:44:58 AM
OP, despite what others are saying, I think it is wonderful that you are there for your friend, however, you obviously are not what she needs to get better. When I was going through a very rough time a while ago, a very good friend of mine was there as a shoulder to cry on. He however, realized that while he could listen to me and support me, he could not help me get past the problems. I needed to talk to a professional. At that point, he told me he would no longer talk to me about the issues or support me unless I went to see a professional.

I did not want to lose his friendship or support so I did as he asked. What an amazing difference that made! So maybe a little tough love for your friend is what is needed. Give her that push into getting the help she needs.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 14
Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/8/2012 11:45:56 AM
If she has abandonment issues then this needs to be addressed by a trained therapist.
Are you a trained therapist?

No ... I didn't think so.
So help your friend by finding a professional that she can talk to.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 15
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Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/8/2012 12:32:12 PM
Of course she needs professional help, that is if she ever really wants to stop being the center of attention in her group of friends who spend a lot of time telling her what to do while she pisses & moans about her horrible life. She knew her husband was cheating, hell you all told her day after day, but look at how much attention that got her, and then she brings a baby into a mess, she knew it was a mess, but hey, look how much more attention she got out of it! She's a three-ring circus and she's not about to get out of center stage and just be a normal person, she'd lose her star status as all her friends' needy little silly girl. And if all of you stopped getting off on being her enablers, then she'd just move on to others who will put her back on top as their job to fix.

There's nothing you can do about her dragging this innocent child through all her drama, nor can you convince her that she should change, but you can stop being part of the whole drama by figuring out what you are getting out of it. Because trust me, if you weren't getting just as much out of it as she is, then you wouldn't have spent all this time being part of her interactive audience. Get some professional help to figure out why you need to save the damsel in distress and find a way to move on with your life without all the drama. Right now, she's a lost cause and will remain one until she's sick & tired of being sick & tired. You, on the other hand, may be seeing an end to this drama need in your life and so have a chance of changing. But since you have spent so much of your time being caught up in this drama, professional help may be needed to show you the errors of your ways. It's not always easy to just switch gears, especially when you think it's others who have the problem, not you. Being so caught up in drama means you need the drama just as much as the drama queen you are posting about.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 16
Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/8/2012 12:33:34 PM
Like a couple have said, it's "nice" that you are the shoulder to cry on,but, as others have pointed out, after awhile the shoulder is just another crutch she uses. I "once" had a female friend who was/has/is going thru some troubled times,and she usually gave me a call about once every 2 months for an ear to bend and ask for advice. We'd meet up for dinner, and I'd "try" to give her the words and direction she needed. Basically, I was wasting my breath, and our time, for no matter how much I spoke, nothing got thru to that brain of hers.

So, basically, I put a stop to the insanity and haven't contacted her or returned any of her calls. She was told before I put the stop sign up, but, like everything I ever told her beforehand,she didn't listen. Your "helping" hand is only as good as the person receiving it.
 SunForSome
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 17
Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/8/2012 1:57:35 PM

just tired of her crying on my shoulder


I have friends like this too. The best thing YOU can do to is take them to a movie, go out to listen to live music where you can do some dancing, go to an amusement park, or maybe go out to play bingo or some other form of entertainment that takes up ALL of her attention and doesn't allow her the chance to talk about things too much. Some people need help in finding the "off" switch and they need a reminder that the best thing to do is to try to forget about the problem and keep busy.

In regards to the advice. If she is dating people from the Internet... 4-6 months is basically a long-term relationship. There are no guarantees in dating. You can conduct yourself perfectly and the relationship could end. Or, you can be yourself... neediness and all and find someone who loves you in spite of your weaknesses. There is someone for everyone.

I probably wouldn't blame her too much, but say something to the effect... this guy wasn't the right guy for you. No big deal. You'll find some else to date. And, if you don't want to get hurt don't rush into things take your time getting to know the guy better before gettng emotionally attached.
 Zamboni_Operator
Joined: 11/20/2012
Msg: 18
Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/8/2012 10:22:30 PM
She didn't listen to anyone when they were trying to tell her that her husband was cheating on her, so why would she listen to anyone's advice now about anything else? Don't bang your head on a wall. She sounds like the type of person who has to get burned to learn, instead off heeding the advice not to get too close to the fire.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 19
Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/9/2012 4:28:39 AM
you just admitted that you don't have any answers for her. i don't think she really wants answers from you, anyway. i think she likes *hearing* your answers, though. i figure what she really wants is to go ahead and do whatever she feels like doing (self-sabotaging behavior) and then bleed you dry for every drop of sympathy she can get. she sounds like psychic vampire.

here's what you do. tell her YOU (her friends) have been trying to give her advice for years, but she always ignores it. now you are tired of hearing about her problems, because there's nothing you can do to help when she ignores whatever you say.

"please stop telling me about your personal problems, i don't want to hear about it." END THAT CONVERSATION. change the subject.

*done*
 windchymes
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 20
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Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/9/2012 11:09:20 AM

She's an emotional vampire. She is suffocating everyone around with her neediness, and she is not in any position to have a healthy relationship.
I would advise her to talk to a therapist because you can no longer be her shoulder to cry on.


This, in spades, nail on head, spot on, etc. etc. etc.

SHE has chosen to live a life full of drama, you and her friends have advised her what to do till the cows came home, yet she still continues to do it and drag all of you down with her every time she does it. Then, when she's sucked all of you dry and you're all emotionally exhausted from trying "help" her, she's off creating more drama because it's what she feeds off of.

As others have said, there comes a time where you just set YOUR boundaries and refuse to deal with it anymore. Next time she comes around crying "It happened again!" you simply say, "Sorry, I have no more advice to give you and I don't want to hear it anymore." and follow through, hang up the phone, shut the door, get in your car and drive away, whatever.

If you don't believe US, do some googling on "emotional vampires".
 blueprint770
Joined: 7/9/2012
Msg: 21
Needing Advice..from both men and woman
Posted: 12/9/2012 1:07:00 PM
I wouldnt stop being her friend but she probably could use some therapy. Give her support but don't let it become a pity party because then then she will feel validated for being the victim and continue her helpless behavior.
 OCRebellion
Joined: 2/8/2011
Msg: 22
She became pregnant, the day she went in to deliver he was with another woman,
Posted: 12/9/2012 6:34:04 PM
OP...what seems simple and rational to "normal" people is not to someone who has experienced mental manipulation and mental/emotional abuse. It sounds like your friend may very well be the victim of such treatment for quite some time. Perhaps not just in her marriage, but before. Because she is obviously damaged, she doesn't understand healthy self esteem and healthy relationships. The best advice you can give her is to get into therapy and a woman's support group. If you have to, have an intervention with a group of her friends. Until she works on herself and works through the issues that drive her to keep repeating her behavior, she is toxic to any relationship she can have...including being a parent. We, myself included, don't know the full story, so any number of us can be way off base, but by appearances, her story sounds like that of women I have mentored after getting out of unhealthy situations. You may very well have to distance yourself, because these friendships can be draining. If you do, tell her that you just cannot be around until she takes the step to help herself. Good luck.
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