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 soitscometothis72
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 1
FWB dilemmaPage 1 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
I am seeing a girl who is at the end of a divorce. She is 38, I am 4o. We have great sex together and she and I have also become friends through all of this. She was seeing a few much younger guys before we met but hasnt seen them in the past few months since we started having sex. We made plans to see each other Xmas day cos she doesnt have any family close and the only family I have that is in town is going to the inlaws after Xmas brunch.

I find out that she is going to see one of the other guys she used to **** a day before we see each other. My question to you out there, is this gross? Is it right that I am not comfortable with knowing that she was just with another guy before me? We stopped using condoms too and I she said that she and this guy never use condoms either. That is part of me feeling uneasy about this. Opinions?
 ShelbySask4friend1
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 2
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 2:06:25 AM
Those are are the kind of dark holes you enter when you get into a FWB's...

I think you are developing feelings for her more than she is for you, to be exclusive...
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 3
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History
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 2:07:34 AM
Never go without a condom until you totally have been checked, know each other, love each other AND plan on long term. (you wouldn't want to take a chance or infect long term partner as you'll be dealing with the repercussions).

You may well be infected already. That's my opinion.

If so, stay with her please.
 soitscometothis72
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 4
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 2:14:12 AM
We got checked out before we stopped using condoms.
 soitscometothis72
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 5
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 2:16:15 AM
I actually am not. I do care about her, we are actual friends. She cares about me too. She sent me a text yesterday that said the she is very thankful for me being in her life cos she is going through a lot.
 ShelbySask4friend1
Joined: 2/10/2005
Msg: 6
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 2:41:25 AM
^^^Follow teaches advice...


I actually am not. I do care about her, we are actual friends. She cares about me too. She sent me a text yesterday that said the she is very thankful for me being in her life cos she is going through a lot.


Sounds like a lot of caring...Sure, FWB, has the word friends in it, but it is more...Tell her before hand you want to be exclusive, or exclusive FWB, but the latter is a tall order,because that IS what you are saying...You want her to yourself...She might be also challenging you, with saying she is going to see the other guy...
 poker_fan_in_nyc
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 7
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 3:12:10 AM
Wow I am in the same situation as you exactly (I am 39 and he is 42)...for the most part we are exclusive (going on about a year and a half now)...but I did have other FWBs before him and I basically stopped seeing them once I became (sort of) exclusive with my main one now...

My others all knew about the "main one" and were even happy that I could see him more often then I could the others...I know we will never be anything other than FWB so I have slowly started seeing my other FWBs on weird occasions here and there (I could count on one hand how many times total so it's not a lot) but the first time I did it I felt as if I was cheating...and I was no way cheating!!

I have done what she has and seen a previous FWB pm Day 1 and then Day 2 (or even at the end of Day 1) seen the other...that doesn't happen that often but does...we are not exclusive and never will be...Communication is very important...you can't tell her not to see the guy but I think all you're "allowed" to ask her is to please use protection...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am also curious how many women you met on here for dates since you started 'hanging out' more with your FWB? Can I guess that it is none?
 Zamboni_Operator
Joined: 11/20/2012
Msg: 8
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 4:00:41 AM
OP, if you & her are truly just FWB, then you don't really have a right to know who she's seeing or not seeing the night before she sees you. If she happened to just mention that fact unsolicited, then I would say that's inappropriate of her, & not very thoughtful to bring it up.

If the two of you are really MORE than FWB, then she certainly shouldn't be telling you she's going to see this other guy... in fact she probably shouldn't be seeing him period.

It sounds like in her mind, the two of you are simply FWB, regardless of any closeness you may be feeling. If she was feeling that close to you, how could she go & spend a night with this other guy?

I think in YOUR mind, you see the two of you as boyfriend & girlfriend really, or at least definitely heading there. The two of you are obviously not on the same page. If it's really FWB you want, maybe she's not the one, because your feelings are gettig in the way. Or maybe you're the type of person who can't really have a FWB realtionship without getting involved or hurt. In which case, stay away from FWB arrangements.

Do you really think this woman will be good girlfriend material the way she's acting? She says she has feelings for you, yet she's off to see this guy. Your gut obviously tells you someyhing's wrong here. When you get that sick feeling in your stomach, pay attention to it.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 9
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History
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 4:14:30 AM
I agree with the others above. FWB just isn't your cup of tea, if you are bothered by the fact that your FWB isn't exclusive.

What you want isn't an FWB, you want a committed long term sex partner.

Within the context of people who DO do well in FWB situations, the answer is no. It isn't gross, she isn't being callous or doing anything wrong. You are being too demanding.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 10
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 4:30:56 AM
I find out that she is going to see one of the other guys she used to **** a day before we see each other. We stopped using condoms too and I she said that she and this guy never use condoms either. That is part of me feeling uneasy about this. Opinions?

I'd say start using condoms again, but the only difference between now and the other guy[s] she used to **** is the time it takes to incubate a veneral disease or two. Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to you and your tiny little family members.

is this gross?

You tell me.
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 11
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 4:40:45 AM

We stopped using condoms too and I she said that she and this guy never use condoms either.


Gawd.... *eyeroll*
Op,the above is the thing that stood out to *me* the most - you've been having unprotected sex with a woman who's had multiple fu*ckbuddies also without using protection????

Are you nuckin' futz?
Get yourself thoroughly checked out.......like yesterday!!
 PittsburghVixen
Joined: 12/9/2012
Msg: 12
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 6:09:42 AM
It really must be the end of the world, because I agree with Zamboni - LOL
(Only in this post, though!)

OP, if her tryst with the other guy bothers you for hygiene reasons, you should wear a condom with her from this point forward. It isn't your business if she's with someone else, but you ought to protect yourself regardless.
 soitscometothis72
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 13
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 6:53:39 AM
We are ACTUAL friends with benefits. Not a F*CK Buddy.We go out to dinners, went to Rock of Ages. . So we are FRIENDS. No expectations. I do care about her, but thats all it is. I don't her as a girlfriend. Honestly! I can have a FWB but I would rather be exclusive. A tad safer for both peoples sake. If being exclusive means that doesnt make this a FWB... then I guess I am mistaken of what we are.
 no_1_bby
Joined: 5/3/2006
Msg: 14
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FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 7:19:05 AM

No expectations.

I'm not sure this is entirely accurate. I mean, you posted asking a question if it was gross she was going to be seeing another guy the day before she sees you, and neither of you men use condoms. So yes, there is an expectation hidden in there somewhere. I can't decide if you expect her to NOT see him, or if you expect her to use a condom with someone other than you.

It being gross is highly subjective. Having been in an open relationship that started out as FWB, it's not gross to me. Couple of months ago I joined my now former partner and his "date" (someone I know) at a restaurant at the end of their evening together. I got the full run down on what happened, then I drove her home and took him back to my place for the night. Couple of years ago I had a "date" with a new guy, and then spent the night with my partner. It can increase the hotness factor for some... and cause other problems for others.

Only YOU can decide what you're comfortable with. Then you should TALK to her about it.

You said she was going to be seeing him, but that doesn't mean there will necessarily be sex involved. She might not be interested in him that way, or him in her. It might feel awkward and weird and not happen.

If you can't talk to her and tell her how you feel about it, perhaps you shouldn't be having sex with her.
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 15
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 7:45:07 AM
It's only gross if you don't enjoy creampies!

WTF does this word "COS" mean? I see alot of people using it. Is it really that hard to type because?
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 16
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FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 7:50:15 AM
Guess I am odd than..I never had more than one FWB, and sort of expected a same, and believed when she said I am the only one for her too.
Definitely would not have sex with someone without a condom when suspecting she is sexually active with someone else.

<div class="quote">You said she was going to be seeing him, but that doesn't mean there will necessarily be sex involved. She might not be interested in him that way, or him in her. It might feel awkward and weird and not happen.

If you can't talk to her and tell her how you feel about it, perhaps you shouldn't be having sex with her.
That is true.

<div class='quote'>What you want isn't an FWB, you want a committed long term sex partner
Well, to me it's pretty close to be a same thing. Much like with a girlfriend, I would want only one.

WTF does this word "COS" mean? I see alot of people using it. Is it really that hard to type because?

Why are you asking if you know? Only old people complain about text talk.
Others think it's gr8t. JK..<---Means just kidding
 Fasttalkingsoutherner
Joined: 9/6/2012
Msg: 17
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 7:58:01 AM
I'm not a **** but you obviously arent able to sport ****-it's okay, happens to the best of us. FWB-you can't develop feelings and you have-it's ok. You're only human! So tell her it bothers you!
btw-I would never quite using condoms!
 MsMicki
Joined: 10/2/2006
Msg: 18
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FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 9:09:22 AM
1) No matter the level of friendship involved......when entering into a FWB.......ground rules must be set.
If both partners cannot agree on the terms, the FWB will not be successful.

2) Yes, a FWB can be exclusive sexually without a romantic commitment.
But refer to rule #1, as both parties must agree to this.

3) To be able to classify yourselves as true "friends"WB........the sex can end with the friendship still existing.
Can you honestly state that you would continue to be a real friend to this lady if sex were never to happen again???

4) You need to ask yourself.........is the "gross" factor you speak of really a physical reaction or an emotional reaction.
If she had told you she was using a condom with the other guy, would you still be bothered by the fact she is screwing someone else?

If you are to continue on with this woman, you absolutely must sit down and discuss both of your expectations.
Personally, I think you want more and are trying to convince yourself you can settle for "just sex" .......and that eventually the sex will turn into something more. You are lying to yourself and you are lying to her.....and that is not the definition of a true friendship.
 Hearton64
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 19
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 3:32:17 PM

Is it right that I am not comfortable with knowing that she was just with another guy before me?


Feelings aren't right or wrong,they just are and only you can validate them for yourself.



We stopped using condoms too and I she said that she and this guy never use condoms either.



We got checked out before we stopped using condoms.


So you know she's having sex with "others" and yet think that getting tested will protect you from something "others" might pass onto her?


So we are FRIENDS. No expectations. I do care about her, but thats all it is. I don't ????her as a girlfriend. Honestly! I can have a FWB but I would rather be exclusive. A tad safer for both peoples sake. If being exclusive means that doesnt make this a FWB... then I guess I am mistaken of what we are.


Sounds like it.

"Exclusive FWB's" sounds to me like you want her as a girlfriend and don't want her f*cking anyone else
and that you do have expectations,would rather be exclusive,and care about her more than as a FWB's.

No fault in that.Ony thing wrong is that you are giving her the impression that you are "cool" with her f*cking other guys,but really,you aren't at all.

Tell her that and see what changes might help you both get your expectations met, if possible.

Either that or go find yourself another FWB's so you don't feel as jealous when she's with other guys.
 Secondhand_Lion
Joined: 11/10/2008
Msg: 20
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History
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 4:02:53 PM
Thanks to this forum, I appreciate my celibacy more and more each passing day. LOL.............................
 NOCLOWNING
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 21
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 4:47:28 PM
I am with MsMicki. Even though you are F.W.B's, there should be ground rule's.
If you want to be the only one "doing" her. Make that one of the rule's. If she, doesnt want to go along with it. Stop the sex.
Her having sex with someone else, the night before. I think, it is gross. Do you go down on her? He isnt using condom's, so he is cumming in her. then you are licking and sucking her, the next night!!! YUCK. Even if he is using condoms, YUCK!!!
 daysleeper5
Joined: 11/6/2009
Msg: 22
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History
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 6:11:04 PM
Denial is funny because we end up in denial about being in denial. Dude, you're in denial. You want more with her but you're trying to play it cool because she's probably already made it clear that she only wants to have *fun* now that she's out of her marriage. It's telling that you mentioned that the other guys were "younger." This bothers you because you wonder if you can compete with them. If it didn't, then why bring it up? It all comes back to you wanting more with her.

Every FWB eventually has a breaking point where one person can't take it anymore. I've been there on both sides. It's a hard balancing act.
 AintNoDeal
Joined: 2/3/2010
Msg: 23
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/21/2012 7:29:17 PM
Only ONE solution: Meet her on the Eve with her FB and give her double the pleasure, double the fun. Get it out of your system. You will find out if it's gross or not the second all the pants drop. You're all mixing fluids anyway, the difference is only a matter of hours.

Chinese fire drill her ***. Next year, write her off and start fresh.
 soitscometothis72
Joined: 11/5/2012
Msg: 24
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/22/2012 9:11:56 PM
So, is there a difference between exclusive FWB and dating someone. I guess if I had other options, I would probably take advantage of it.
 poker_fan_in_nyc
Joined: 4/6/2007
Msg: 25
FWB dilemma
Posted: 12/23/2012 5:19:37 AM
communication is so important when dealing with this...

being an exclusive FWB to me is you're one step away from actually dating that person but since time or other factors won't allow you guys to make that commitment, the title FWB works because you can't get "in trouble" for not calling all the time or being available etc...
you probably don't even have to get gifts etc. but could if you wanted too...

Again the key word in all of this is FRIEND...it's like when you're a kid and get jealous that your best friend goes off and is playing with another kid during recess time...

Since you are only 3 months into this...try seeing what happens after it's been a year or longer

Remember...communication is everything!
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