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Joined: 11/14/2007
Msg: 1
Friend Wants AdvicePage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
A friend of mine is getting married in two weeks. I am invited to the wedding. He recently admitted to me that he met someone at his current location (he had to relocate for work so his fiance is in another state) and now he isn't sure he wants to be married because he and the new chick are getting along. I asked him if he told his fiance and he said he did but didn't mention his feelings about the new girl, just that he met someone that has a particular interest in him.

I told him that it would be devastating to call off wedding/end relationship for a new girl he just met two weeks ago but only he can make that decision. He says he is lonely, as his fiance can not visit much due to her work and school obligations. They also have a small son together that is with the fiance until she can relocate next year.
Things with the new girl, according to him, are going great for two weeks. He thinks he may be in love with her. I think it would be dumb of him to leave a long term relationship for 2 weeks but I am outside the box. Any opinions? I am sharing responses with the friend as he is really looking for advice without involving too many people in his personal life.
Joined: 9/13/2012
Msg: 2
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 1:10:08 PM
Personally it's better to not even keep the smallest detail from a person you're with. If this person is almost taking that final step into marriage they need to be up front with all of the information. It can only serve as a divorce later if he goes into this with feelings. Personally, it doesn't matter if he's lonely because he asked this poor woman, who has to go through this now, to marry him. Luckily for him she said yes because this is not how you should be handling a relationship anyway.
Advice is to be up front and explain these feelings. Keep this new friend at a distance or get rid of them- there's plenty more where they came from. Only knowing a person for two weeks- despite the fact they may have spoken for 20+ hours together within that time frame, you still can't know a person. You learn through experiences and time, not from story telling. This person could just be a martyr and it wouldn't work. I would stick with the woman who agreed to spend their life with.
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 3
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 1:12:56 PM
So he is engaged and cheating on his fiance? And they should get married? Are you kidding me. If I was the fiance, I would dump his a ss in three seconds flat. And your friend is nothing but a cheater. If they get married, your friend will continue his escapades and this marriage is nothing but a big fat joke.
Joined: 11/16/2012
Msg: 4
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 1:13:45 PM
If he is already romantically involved with someone else after such a short time of being apart from his fiance because he can't deal with a little loneliness, then he shouldn't marry her. It says that she can't relocate until next year, which means that they will be apart even longer. Also, if he has told her there is someone who is interested in him and she hasn't picked up on that, she's either very young or in denial. Either way, marriage is hard enough to get out of and whether or not they marry, he still has to support his child. Also, how can he know he is in love after only two weeks? It sounds like he is looking for a way out of getting married. If that is the case, he should definitely call off the wedding.
Joined: 8/28/2012
Msg: 5
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 1:14:09 PM
I think if any party has ANY DOUBT whatsoever, they should postpone or cancel the wedding.
Joined: 4/20/2012
Msg: 6
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 1:26:08 PM
"I think it would be dumb of him to leave a long term relationship for 2 weeks but I am outside the box. Any opinions? "

It would be dumber for your friend to go through with his wedding when he is having doubts and the possibility of being "in love" with somebody else.
Joined: 12/7/2012
Msg: 7
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 1:35:25 PM
A friend of mine did the same thing... Met a woman on a business trip, slept with her and immediately returned home and let his girlfriend go. (i will never understand cheating but anyway...) She was in LA and he was in Toronto and they maintained a long term relationship. To him it was magical. To friends, something seemed off.

She was pretty, and they worked in virtually the same industry. Could it get any better?

Fast forward one year... It's time to move in together. They're in their late 30's. They start having talks. She becomes more and more distant... Turns out she wasn't interested in him or moving in... She was working a corporate espionage angle and he just happened to be the VP of the company she wanted to buy. Relationship over. Man destroyed.

Who's he with now? The woman he left originally for this trashy broad. (And I think she's nuts for going back, but they're happy...)

Tell your friend to bail on his wedding. He's a fool but that's his problem...
Joined: 11/9/2012
Msg: 8
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 1:45:46 PM
In a perfect world, your friend would do the right thing and not be cheating on his fiances. Second to that, he should be honest and call off the wedding. He's a cheater and getting married to her knowing full well that he's a cheater is not doing her or their son any favours.

Your friend might be in love. On the other hand, it's probably likely that the fiance, the kid, the responsibilities and family pressures are not as exciting as this new girl who presents a care-free lifestyle and ego boost.
Joined: 3/23/2012
Msg: 9
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 1:47:05 PM
What a selfish biatch your friend is to the fiance AND THEIR CHILD.
Find a better friend. They are scum. Ruining lives to get his rocks off. Great start to life.
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 10
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Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 1:53:47 PM
Maybe I'm the dissenting opinion here. I think he's nervous because of the wedding and is looking for an excuse to cancel it.

I don't think its all that great for you to share everything with your S/O either. Saying you find someone else attractive can be okay at some times, but devastating at other times.

From just what you said he hasn't done anything completely wrong yet. He's flirted with the idea of cheating, but hasn't cheated. I think he should distance himself from this 2 week girl until he's over his wedding jitters and maybe figure out some way to be with his fiance more, something like "this isn't working for me, I need to see you more."

Maybe, though, this is an excuse to cancel the wedding because of other reasons. In that case he should be honest with himself and his fiance and come out with the real reason. The grass appearing greener on the other side seems pretty weak to me.
Joined: 11/29/2008
Msg: 11
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Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 1:57:35 PM
Would it be preferable to not say anything, let them go through with the wedding and then keep cheating on what would then be his wife, on up till she would turn her whole world upside down to relocate to be with him, only to find out THEN what a bad excuse of a husband he turned out to be?

Or let her go through the misery of calling off a wedding and getting on with her life? Either way, she's screwed, so might as well choose the lesser of the two evils, because the cheating friend isn't going to change his ways.
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 12
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 2:04:15 PM
He's definitely looking for an escape hatch and a reason to abort the mission. He probably can't come up with anything concrete to justify leaving his fiance other than an, " I don't wanna." That's way more than enough of an excuse. Just because a guy knocks a woman up does not obligate him to be there for the woman, just their child. A bad marriage down the line is worse for a kid than the parents not being married at all, even if the kid pushes for it and emotionally manipulates the parents.

Aside from his highly questionable morals and ethics, if a guy wants out of a relationship he should get out and stay out. Faking it and sticking with someone when you don't want to be there is bad for everyone involved, especially the innocent parties (kid and fiance.)

This new vagina might be the one he's meant to be with, but more than likely she's a convenient excuse for his freedom. I don't know if he's been married before, but once you're married and there's already problems going into it, a ceremony and a piece of paper doesn't solve those problems-they just make them multiply.
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 13
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 2:09:56 PM
Any opinions?

Call off the wedding.
The marriage will not be a happy one.

Things with the new girl, according to him, are going great for two weeks.

Really now? Two whole weeks?
And how many threads on here have started off with: "things were great for the first few weeks (or months), ....and then....."?
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 14
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Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 2:34:45 PM
I support Scotch's thoughts.

The story as told here, does NOT include this "friend" actually consummating anything with this other gal. If there has been sex, then things might be more complicated, however...

The idea of launching into a serious long term commitment OFTEN causes last minute jitters. If your friend hasn't already gone too far, I would strongly suggest that he see a local counselor who he can trust, who can show him that in all likelihood, all that he is experiencing with this new gal, is a last-gasp clinging to his own carefree childhood. If he destroys his relationship with his fiance, and tremendously complicates his life from here forward with long-distance child-raising obligations, and the associated psychological challenge of losing regular contact with his child, he will find that no matter how much fun he THINKS he is having with this new gal, that he will ultimately suffer tremendous problems.

If he sees a counselor, and it is determined that he IS the sort of guy who can suddenly dump the mother of his child for a new fling, then tell him to get another legal/financial counselor, to start sketching out the rest of his limited financial and parenting responsibility laden life.
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 15
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Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 2:40:58 PM
You are telling him to get married anyway, even though he has a new girlfriend and doesn't want to get married now??? Are you nuts! Does the new girlfriend know he's getting married soon, maybe he can invite her to the wedding! What a load of bullshit. Of course he can't go ahead and get married, too bad he was selfish enough to have a baby when he obviously isn't ready to be a dad or husband.

And people wonder why there are so many divorces and unhappy marriages *rollingmyeyes*
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 16
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 2:57:47 PM
Men are so dumb. He's willing to give up a relationship with a woman who has a kid with for someone he's met for only 2 weeks? AND says he loves her?

I think it's utter BS. He's just lonely cuz his gf is far away from him. So he's looking for some companionship.

Has he slept with the girl? If he has, I think it's perhaps the best idea for him to break off his wedding. Merely cuz he's already cheated on his gf. And no girl deserves that.

If this guy is only talking then he's done nothing wrong.

U need to slap him in the face and show him that he's gonna give up a relationship for someone he's met for 2 weeks. Whose to say that she won't get tired of him and leave him. Then what?

Men are such dogs!
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 17
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 3:17:09 PM
Wow ... he's met someone and is already in love with her.

WTF is he thinking???

I wouldn't want to be his fiancé, and end up marring someone who didn't really love me.
I would suggest he postpone the wedding.
Maybe this new lady, who already knows the situation (and is still willing to see him) is more suited to his personality.
They both sound like losers to me.
Joined: 2/4/2006
Msg: 18
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Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 3:22:47 PM
If he should be marrying this girl he would never have allowed anything other than a platonic situation. Big f-ing deal he is lonely. It's an excuse to cheat and it's an excuse to dump the mother of his kid to fancy himself in love with this woman.

He knows nothing about her, they are in the honeymoon stage which is very similar to drug use in terms of brain chemistry. This has disaster all over it but I'm not sure he's doing his fiance or kid any favors by marrying her and then having affairs when the new excuse comes up.

I'd call off the wedding because she should find someone who really wants her and that's not him.
Joined: 7/21/2010
Msg: 19
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 3:36:16 PM
Wow, almost the samething happened with my sister's first husband.
My sister figures it our during the wedding reception. After they spent thousands of dollars.
Your friend is a "ASS". And will get everything he deserve's!!! The poor guy is lonely. What a joke.
Tell him, to call off the wedding asap. Tell his fiance, what a ***hole he is.
Joined: 2/3/2007
Msg: 20
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Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 4:22:24 PM
This "friend" needs to handle his own problems...not have someone else deal with his sleazy life. Isn't he capable of asking his own questions?
Joined: 11/12/2010
Msg: 21
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 4:40:55 PM
They definitely need to call off the wedding and wait until the other issues are solved...she can still get all the benefits from the baby daddy...and if it's meant to be they can get married at a later date. Does he have other kids?
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 22
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 5:02:01 PM
Last-minute jitters are those nerves that won't go away. What this man is doing is demonstrating that he is not mature enough to handle adult responsibilities. He may never be. If loneliness is an excuse to attach yourself to a new person so quickly, then all that is driving him are his selfish and unchecked desires.

He really needs to cancel the wedding, come clean, and let his fiance know the truth so she knows she and her child will be better off without him.

I don't usually disagree with Igor, but this is a serious sign of long-term issues that marriage won't fix. I had a lot of misgivings about marrying when I did, which I thought of as last-minute jitters. So have others that I know. But none of us dragged a 3rd person in. That's just running away, which is being cowardly. Being scared is normal, but being cowardly is not.
Joined: 6/9/2005
Msg: 23
Friend Wants Advice
Posted: 12/28/2012 5:50:01 PM
Sounds like cold feet...

He should be telling the new girl about his impending wedding.. and his fiance about his feelings..

Long distance is hard.. if he can't handle the distance they shouldn't get married until she is there with him and he is sure he can be married. It's not something to take lightly.
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