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 Motogamergirl
Joined: 7/12/2012
Msg: 1
Lied about Martial statusPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I've been chatting with this guy for at the beginning of the year but i wasent too sold on the idea to meet him. Then he resurfaced about 2 months ago and we've been chatting ever since. We had a lot in comon. He's 28 years old (i'm 29), profile said single and said he was from Germany. He added that he came to Canada for a new life because he wasen't getting along with his familly there. After asking me many times to meet, I finally said yes. He seemed like a nice guy.

So yesterday, the day of the date, I was late because we had a huge snow storm. The road conditions were awful and it took me an hour to get there when it takes me 25 minutes in clear weather. I met the guy at a coffee shop and started talking away. The conversation was going great for an hour until he asked me why i never had a long relationship. I said I was never lucky, the guys I dated turned out to be controlling and posessive or lied about their ex girlfriends. I said the first date you should put your cards on the table and be totally honnest. He replied back saying yknow " talking about putting cards on the table, i'm married". WHAT ? I was SHOCKED! He said well, not married, separated. I got married in Germany, she came to Canada for her studies and I followed her. They were seperated for a year now, they never talk and never talked about divorcing. He said he rather say it in person than on the computer...

I told him we chatted for 2 months and you never told me this.
I drove through the snow storm for you (he takes the bus). All of this for a married man?
I said this is unacceptable.

I stood up and walked away.

I've never been so shocked in my life. Online dating is not for me.
If he lied about his martial status, what else is he hiding?
To some women, they see no problem dating a separated man -- when they are in their 40s and up!
But this guy is in his 20s already married and divorced!
I want to share my life with someone have kids and get married to an unmarried man!

Unbelievable.
 Abbeygirl58
Joined: 10/26/2012
Msg: 2
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 11:20:43 AM
If you stay on this site be prepared to be told that lie many more times...also lies about age, smoking, drinking habits, you name it....you've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince and even when you think you've found a prince it can all be a lie.....I have been on and off this site for many years and may hold the record for the number of coffee dates so I know!!!!
 Abbeygirl58
Joined: 10/26/2012
Msg: 3
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 11:22:59 AM
PS....someone fairly new to the site is sharing an experience that impacted her....why is that trolling or attention seeking???? geez....live and let live!!!
 beenhereatimeor2
Joined: 11/8/2012
Msg: 4
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Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 11:34:56 AM
Abbeygirl ... glad you got up and left. But got to say, at least this guy was up front before you went any further because so many men aren't up front that many women unknowingly become FWB.
 Motogamergirl
Joined: 7/12/2012
Msg: 5
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 11:36:27 AM
Thank you Abbey for giving your advice. Thats what I came here for.
I feel that online dating has more liars than meeting a guy face to face at a social function.
They think its okay to lie and that we will accept their lie when we find it out on the first date.
There is other women out there that will accept their flaws - why waste the time of women that wont accept it?

Anyways Abbey, its the last time i fall for the nice guy routine!
And the guy during the date told me that he doesnt understand why women always give him the "lets be friends" line!

For those who wants to delete my thread thinking its trolling or seeking attention, then i was wrong to think i could come here to get dating help from you! The forum title is "dating experiences", i thought i was at the right place. I guess i wasent!
 Motogamergirl
Joined: 7/12/2012
Msg: 6
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 11:38:09 AM
beenhereatimeor2

its only when i told him other guys i dated lied and wouldnt put their cards on the table on first date.
We were on the subject of lying.
If i wouldnt of talked about this subject, i dont think he would of took the initiative to tell me by himself.
 nubeginnings64
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 7
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 11:51:07 AM
I was separated a long time before divorcing & can relate since I did the same thing. Being separated was a bulls-eye on my forehead for women, freshly divorced or separated themselves, looking for nothing more than casual dating & sex. Most understood my reasoning. Had I just wanted booty calls it would have been easier to get by leaving my status as separated.
 relaxingwithyou
Joined: 12/2/2012
Msg: 8
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 11:54:55 AM
When you meet guys in the real world it's due to attraction and mutual friends and activites and such. Online is a shot in the dark. Of the half dozen guys I met from the internet, we could have all been from different planets. They would have never entered my sphere otherwise and they weren't meant to either.
 AwesomeKisser
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 9
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Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 1:21:08 PM
It's a tough one. I'm separated and honest about it. But that probably stops the majority of women from even considering meeting me. There are assumptions and a stigma to being separated or newly divorced. And while some people aren't ready to date some can be. Everyone is different.

I've been legally/physically separated for more than 2 years. The relationship was done emotionally long before that. The divorce would be done by now if my ex weren't being difficult about a couple issues. I'm in a great place emotionally and have long moved on from any thoughts or feelings for the ex. I have dated a number of women who would all probably say that the whole divorce thing was never an issue for us. Things didn't work out for completely unrelated reasons (and I'm actually still friends with several of them).

So should I lie so I have a better chance of meeting women who could then judge me on my own merits/emotional state? I know may people who do. I've met women who did on their profiles. I've considered it but in the end I am a very honest person and it wouldn't feel right. But it definitely causes problems and hurdles meeting women online. The last two women I've been involved with I met offline so that gives who I am a chance to be seen.

So I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes people may lie about that for a good reason. Not saying it's completely right but I don't think it's completely wrong either given what we "separated" people face.
 Debisusanne
Joined: 5/3/2011
Msg: 10
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 1:48:23 PM
See... i am over 40.. and him being separated for over a year would have been ok with me.

He only lied because he wanted a chance.. but it was his mistake.. because.. its way better to get the "deal breakers" over and done with!

you need to ask the specific question.. are you married or separated.. and if he lies bold faced.. THAT is the deal breaker.. if his profile says single.. and you assumed it was true.. then he was labelling himself as what he FELT he was.

. yes.. i am an online dating veteran.. separated men KNOW its the kiss of death to their dating and sex life.. :))
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 11
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 4:31:36 PM
I told him we chatted for 2 months and you never told me this.
I drove through the snow storm for you (he takes the bus). All of this for a married man?
I said this is unacceptable.
I stood up and walked away.


Good for you.


He said he rather say it in person than on the computer...


Because he rightly suspected that you would just cut off all communication at that point.

It's deliberately deceptive on his part.
 RonMcDon73
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 12
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 5:04:42 PM

He added that he came to Canada for a new life because he wasen't getting along with his familly there.


Your man picker is broken. You met a guy that gave you a lame ass excuse that he had to leave an entire country to get away from his relatives. How many relatives can a person have that they literally have to cross the planet to get away from them? Logic must be quite different in the far north.
 moonchildMN
Joined: 9/28/2012
Msg: 13
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 5:23:46 PM

Your man picker is broken


No it's not, he flat out lied to her. He had many opportunites to tell her the truth and he didn't.

OP this happens a lot, good for you for walking out on him. Lots of women might have stayed because they invested so much emotional energy on the guy, that's why you need to meet people sooner rather than later (like within a week). For the most part, people come clean and are open during the face to face meets or they don't show up if they aren't who they say they are.

Don't quit online dating just yet, meeting someone who lied on their profile is very common.
 RonMcDon73
Joined: 11/27/2012
Msg: 14
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 5:27:50 PM

No it's not, he flat out lied to her


Really? :) I have a bridge in NY that's a great price, just for you though.

Leaving a continent to escape a nation of relatives seems like a feasible reason huh? He might as well have told her that he is a professional unicorn hunter and got sidetracked by the Yeti in Canada.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 15
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Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 8:22:18 PM
"I want to share my life with someone have kids and get married to an unmarried man!"

Did you mention that checklist before you met? ..cause if there was an agenda it would be best to share it as a memo with the entire team.
 SweetHeartedLady
Joined: 10/5/2012
Msg: 16
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/30/2012 8:33:47 PM
I keep meeting men that lie about smoking ... repeatedly.

It used to be the weight and age.......

Then the only being separated and not divorce......

Now it is the smoking (cigarettes) .. no thanks.

It is always the one that takes me to nice dinners and such and then the LIE comes out.

It is an addiction. Addicted people lie. Men do not want to date women who smoke because they feel they might quit; or that woman who smoked looked older their skin and on and on. (yet they can smoke and be older looking?)

Bye.. Next??
 TravelerseekingU
Joined: 2/15/2012
Msg: 17
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 6:33:07 AM
Men lie!! Not a news flash.

Good for you you have good boundaries. Many men feel women out to see if they would adjust to their needs. Its in their make up to fulfill the physical sexual need. Internet is loaded with mind games. Learn to ask good questions about their intentions and use intuition. There is no tried and true way to avoid the blunders. I enjoy the forums to help see different perspectives on the subject surrounding dating. It is refreshing to know I'm not alone when I am a bit taken aback by some shallow intention, but I am better at using my intuition. Real face to face helps tremendously yet the players do try to say all the right things. If its too good to be true...well hold onto your nickers and run! lol
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 18
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 6:41:12 AM

Unbelievable.


Not really. Happens alllllllll the time. Both genders. Little white lies, that some have no problem with and others do. Some people have no probs with those that are seperated and then there are some that do. I believe that most here are "lying" and/or "fibbing" to improve their chances at whatever they are looking for. The only bonus for you OP is that he told ya when he did. Could you imagine hanging out with him for a couple of months, some bodyfluid swapping, and future plans being made and then you get to meet his wife????? That wouldn't be very much fun.
 MyLady1967
Joined: 11/8/2012
Msg: 19
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 7:04:00 AM
I have to say I am impressed he told you at all. I dont know why people want to play games and waste time. I cant wrap my mind around it. I am sorry for your experience. I have not found anyone on here either :(
 carolann0308
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 20
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Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 8:51:23 AM
This is why I never chat for months, it is a complete waste of time. Send a few emails and set a date. Ask lots of questions on the meet and greet. Few liars can cover their tracks for very long.
 greatblah
Joined: 11/14/2012
Msg: 21
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Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 9:11:27 AM
I lied about liking a present. I lied about my age. Profile said 44, when in fact I was 43. I lied about smoking. I said I'm not a smoker, but I had about 20 cigarettes this year.

Yes, I am a liar. How about you?
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 22
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Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 9:30:33 AM
The russian's have a dating website (can't state in on pof) specifically setup for women looking for lifestyle change. Its the coolest culture. On the very first meet dudes are expected to imprint the pattern of their credit card number and expiry date onto their forehead. They arrive early and just sorta roll and hold it for 30 seconds. Cafes don't always have restrooms so men do this out in the front, in public.. Messy imprints are an immediate nogo. There are vids on youtube chicks jotting the numbers, everyone smiling. Cellphone photos of these pics can be found- numbers blurred. Its sweet.Guys aren't exactly the most dateable dorks but they're happy.
 LadyJane52
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 23
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Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 12:15:07 PM
To protect yourself, always ask very early in the relationship any deal breaking questions such as marital status, "do you have children", "do you want children", etc. Remember what YOU want and always be on the lookout for what YOU are looking for...if the fish is married I would throw him back immediately for obvious reasons. If recently separated, there is still much for him to go through with divorce/emotional healing/financial issues etc, so I would throw him back too...I would not date a guy with a separated status...Divorced is divorced and free to move on to wherever things may lead.
LadyJane
 AwesomeKisser
Joined: 11/1/2010
Msg: 24
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Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 12:39:20 PM

I would not date a guy with a separated status...Divorced is divorced and free to move on to wherever things may lead.


See, it's this kind of statement that leads to people lying. Everyone and everyone's situation is unique so generalizing and assuming things just makes life difficult for some. I have a friend who has been "separated" from her husband for over 10 years. They are still on reasonably friendly terms and there is no baggage or drama in their lives related to their relationship (other than the usual occasional parenting issue). They just never bothered to file any divorce papers. Now he wants to remarry so they will finally get the paperwork done. So would you date someone who had been separated for 10 years? 7 years? 5 years? Where's the threshold?

The whole separated vs. divorced debate has been done ad nauseum on POF. It's a dogmatic issue for some. But people having strong opinions and being narrow minded is something that is rampant in our world over any number of issues.

As I said, I am honest about my "status". Does it stop many women from talking to me? Most likely. Is that fair? Most likely not as they never take the time to find out anything about me and my situation. But that's life, it isn't fair so I deal with it as best as I can.

But the stigma of being separated is what causes men (and women) to lie about it. I've met plenty of women who lied about various things on their profiles too. It's not a gender specific issue. As Dr. House said, everyone lies :-) Lately I actually considered changing my status to single. My marriage was done a long time ago and the divorce should have been done by now if my ex had been reasonable and worked a few things out with me. Instead, it's delayed while we sort out a couple issues. So does that mean I'm not ready to share my life with somebody else just because some piece of paper says I'm still legally married? I'm not looking to rush into marrying anyone else. If I ever do that again it will take some time with a lady to make sure we really are right for each other. By that time my divorce will have been finalized long before. So what does it matter if someone has moved on emotionally and the baggage and drama is well packed and dealt with?

But back to the original issue which seems to be more about the man the OP met lying. I am of two minds. I don't like it when a woman had lied on her profile but if it is one lie and the rest is good I might take the time to get to know her. Some will say lying about being separated or divorced is big lie but he did come clean at the first meet. Would he have got that first meet and had a chance for them to get to know each other if his profile showed "separated"? I guess the OP needs to answer that. But in my experience it is the way women treat separated men that makes them lie about it.
Lied about Martial status
Posted: 12/31/2012 2:09:21 PM
I see your side of things here but do not agree with you. There is NO good reason to lie. I also place no stigma on someone being divorced - damn, half the world is divorced! My first husband cheated on me. I have never, ever cheated on a man, even in a dating relationship. I do realize that it is ok with some women (and men) if you are separated but to me, saying you are divorced means you are divorced - no grey area there. I make it clear in any conversations on this site that this is a deal-breaker to me as I would never, under any circumstances, want to be "that woman". It is a personal thing to me and is very important to me. However, even though I cannot make it any more clear, I am constantly lied to by men on this site.

If you are truly separated and comfortable in dating, be honest and say so. If you lie right off the bat, that tells me you're going to easily lie in a real relationship. If I'm okay with you being separated, then that's fine, but be honest. When you are totally honest, you can certainly set the stage for a better relationship with the right person. And, honestly? Most of the men I have talked to on this site are married. Go fix your life before starting a new chapter. If the "almost-ex" is being difficult, then go get that resolved. Did you ever stop to think that lying might be part of the problem??
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