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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Getting over a ex boyfriend who was an addict.      Home login  
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 stepheebabe121
Joined: 12/16/2012
Msg: 1
Getting over a ex boyfriend who was an addict.Page 1 of 1    
When me and my ex started i didnt know that he had an addiction and i am guilty of having blinders on wanted to see only the good in him. Through out the relationship he was verbally and psychologically abusive especially with the demeaning me and blaming me, and having me do non ethical things i dont believe in all in the name of love.

Why and how can i get over this jerk. I understand I am codependent and need to work on that but why everytime im on a date i think about him ?
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 2
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Getting over a ex boyfriend who was an addict.
Posted: 1/6/2013 8:21:57 AM
Because YOU have internal associations between how he treated you, and what you think you are supposed to be all about.

Professional therapy can bring it out. You can also read lots of threads here having to do with co-dependence and abuse, and look for resonances.

Common things include that his abuses reminded you of parental discipline, and triggered your subconscious to award him more authority over your life and your choices than you should have done.

Since things were as bad as you describe, I would strongly suggest therapy, since you will likely be susceptible to another similar guy victimizing you again, until you address it thoroughly.
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 3
Getting over a ex boyfriend who was an addict.
Posted: 1/6/2013 8:58:09 AM
You better start focusing on you.
You have to work on the codependent within you, or you will keep repeating this behaviour.
Get yourself to a therapist.
And in the meantime there is a good self help book out there called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
I'm sure it is available at your local library.
 stepheebabe121
Joined: 12/16/2012
Msg: 4
Getting over a ex boyfriend who was an addict.
Posted: 1/6/2013 10:01:29 AM
in therapy now for abuse counseling and co dependency addiction.
 stepheebabe121
Joined: 12/16/2012
Msg: 5
Getting over a ex boyfriend who was an addict.
Posted: 1/6/2013 10:02:00 AM
how do you make urself happy when your happiness stems from making others happy/
 U make it entertaining
Joined: 7/17/2009
Msg: 6
Getting over a ex boyfriend who was an addict.
Posted: 1/6/2013 11:11:42 AM
Good for you for taking positive steps towards a better tomorrow Stephe.
It's a long road to recovery.
I took this from the book and made it my mantra...

Where we are today is where we're meant to be. It's where we need to be to get where we're going tomorrow. And that place we're going tomorrow will be better than any we've been before.

I started my journey 8 years ago.
I'm still traveling, as I have a fear that I will attract the same type of person.
You are attracting them.
You search them out.
You have a NEED to take care of someone.
So you have to take care of yourself first.
This is not going to happen overnight, in a week or even a year.
It takes time.

Find things that make YOU happy.
Join groups that spark your interest.
Mediation and yoga are also beneficial
Learning to live in the moment, and Mindfulness Meditation.
Learn to love you, because you are an awesome person.

My very good girlfriend bought me this book for Christmas last year.

Inner Wisdom "Mediations for the Heart and Soul" by Louise L. Hay.

That book is now on it's 4th recycle.
I read it every night, and I am so thankful for her messages.
I purchased both my daughters the book this Christmas.
Because my daughters are also codependents.
Monkey see .... monkey do.

This will not be easy Stephee, but if you stick through it life will get better.
Remember .... YOU FIRST!
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 7
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Getting over a ex boyfriend who was an addict.
Posted: 1/8/2013 6:06:07 PM
how do you make urself happy when your happiness stems from making others happy/


By realizing from within your own life, what really makes YOU happy.

If you look carefully, you will, I am sure, recognize that what truly pleases you, is when someone GENUINELY takes pleasure in your company, based upon who you and they, really are. When someone is pretending at fun, just to try to trick you into smiling, you don't feel any sense of reward.

Best example most of us run into: when you were a kid, there was probably a time when you realized that Mom or Dad would ALWAYS tell you you did great, whether you actually did or not. They loved you, and wanted you to feel good, so their voiced opinions were not to be trusted. Brutally honest friends were a MUCH better source about things like what clothes made you look your best and such.

Anyway, when you extend that realization enough, you can come to see that you really will NOT be as pleasing to others yourself, and genuinely fulfill your own desire to please them, unless you are yourself genuinely happy doing whatever it is that you think will make them happy.

This is why the people who are most pleasing to our lives, are not the "nice guys" and "nice gals" who fake that they are pleased as punch to lie down across mud puddles for us. It is the people who actually get personal joy from us being who and what we really are, who make us feel like real, and worthwhile human beings.

You might think of it as a sort of Enlightened Selfishness, if you like. Enlightened Self Interest.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 8
Getting over a ex boyfriend who was an addict.
Posted: 1/8/2013 7:29:17 PM

how do you make urself happy when your happiness stems from making others happy


When you come to realize that "happiness" is a circumstance-dependant state of being; and when you realize that circumstances are transient you will see that you were banking on a false source of contentment! However, when you discover the "joy" of being just you, and the worth of your existence; then you will find true happiness!
 makavali7dayz3
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 9
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Getting over a ex boyfriend who was an addict.
Posted: 1/14/2013 10:31:04 PM
I was a Coda until my ex pointed it out. The best way to overcome Coda is self love. You can't fix anyone except yourself. You need to be with someone who is postive who enhances your life. You don't want someone who drains your energy and time. Go to CODA Anon meetings. You CANNOT fix an addict. They have to make a commitment to stay clean and live a sober life. Drugs destroy your from the inside out. You cannot have a meaningful relationship with a drug addict :(
 makavali7dayz3
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 10
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Getting over a ex boyfriend who was an addict.
Posted: 1/14/2013 10:32:54 PM
Stephee. You should consider a career in social work. Me and you are cut from the same cloth. You need to understand the difference between making others happy and being a unhealthy people pleaser. Often times we focus on others because we don't want to focus on ourselves.
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