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Show ALL Forums  > Broken Hearts  > Getting over doing something awful..      Home login  
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 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 2
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Getting over doing something awful..Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I'm sorry if I'm missing something here. But as far as I can tell, the only thing you've done wrong is not breaking up with this guy sooner.

Why are you feeling guilty about breaking things off with somebody who treated you so badly? And why did you put up with it for so long?

If you have debilitating feelings of guilt about this, I would suggest some therapy. It really can do wonders.
 laskoboo
Joined: 2/12/2010
Msg: 8
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Getting over doing something awful..
Posted: 1/14/2013 12:13:53 PM
Youy are not dealing with grief over treating him badly, but that you lost friends over it.

1. you cant control someones reaction
2. they were never your friends in the first place

Your not confused over him but the reaction your friends had to YOUR situation. In the future,
keep relationship matters to yourself (boundries) to not have to endure peoples judgement and wrath over
things none of their business.

Stop dating guys you aren't clicking with.. Learn to say No thanks.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 13
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Getting over doing something awful..
Posted: 1/14/2013 1:38:01 PM
Well, being that I am male, and older, I too am inclined to give support and comfort to a young damsel in distress, who tells a tale like this of emotional abuse.

However, I do think that everyone including the OP, should recognize that this is only ONE version of whatever actually happened.

We don't know anything at all about the young man's side of things. It could be that he is as dreadful as has been portrayed here, but again, we only have the one side of things.

An alternative version of this story MIGHT be:

Young man becomes involved with eager young lady during Uni years. Things go well at first, but she becomes more demanding as time goes by, and in particular (due perhaps to lingering fairy-tale type fantasies from childhood), wants sex at times and places which gradually make the fellow feel as though he is merely a live automaton, serving as her sexual release. This naturally interferes with his libido, which he tries to deal with while away from her, via porn. When she discovers this, she increases her pressures on him, rather than investigating her own sexual dynamic in a more thoughtful manner.

The young woman decides to take advantage of the raft of other willing young men, eager to fulfill her sexual hungers; and only THEN does she announce to the first guy, that she is done with him. He is understandably distraught, and when he learns that she is telling others about HIS shortcomings, he gives voice to his own side of things, in a very unflattering manner.

And here we are with this post.


Now mind you, I have absolutely no way to know if my imagined alternate version of things has ANY validity to it at all. I am making no accusations. But before I join a chorus of others praising the one-sided version of all this, the Historian and the student in me, demands that we give at least SOME consideration to the other side of things.

On balance, even if my imaginary alternate version is completely true, this is really a normal, though very painful standard messy lesson that many of us had to experience in those University years. So I would not roundly condemn EITHER of these people as being other than children becoming adults the all too common hard and very painful way.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 15
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Getting over doing something awful..
Posted: 1/14/2013 8:44:01 PM
Well, I would recommend going directly with what I was most trying to get at: you had things that you had to learn in order to cope with the life you were experiencing. You did what you thought made sense at the time. Somethings didn't come out the way you wished that they would have, especially his difficulties in accepting your choices, and how the timing of your actions didn't quite leave you with the feeling that you had lived up to all of your standards.

You are young, and still learning. For the things that you did which you now feel were mistakes, the thing to do, is to ponder them carefully, with the goal of setting up procedures or boundaries, or considerations for yourself, that will hopefully prevent you from repeating them.

Frankly, I really don't see where you did anything I would characterize as awful, you just stepped outside your own rule set, and you feel bad about that. It is more or less a positive sign, that you do feel upset. Resolving that, will be a matter of figuring out how you DID manage to decide that breaking your own rules made sense, and repairing your logical thought processes in that area. You will most likely find that you can forgive yourself for mistakes you make, by realizing that you had to make those mistakes in order to learn what you did from them.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 23
Getting over doing something awful..
Posted: 1/16/2013 7:39:46 PM
I'd try to initiate kissing and sex and he'd push me off him. I kept asking for sex and he'd say no. But it wasn't as if he didn't want sex because he'd watch a lot of porn. He just didn't want sex with me.

Okay, this Part I -- he was a real jerk. I can't believe you'd even still be going out with him. Well, I can, as you were emotionally chasing him. He was a total a-hole. Okay..... on to Part II, still being in contact...

He said "I don't like how I look on cam" but I was upset. I wanted to see his face. I was feeling pretty lonely. Then I traveled down to visit him.

Some people are like that. A guy being like that, especially with Part I, he's got some emotional problems. Undeniable. But he's not necessarily being a jerk to you with this part.

He was quite loving towards me and we did feel closer but something was still missing. I told him he hadn't made enough effort and he took me out for dinner but it didn't feel right because I had to tell him to make this effort for me.

It didn't feel right? Huh? He was loving toward you -- that's what counts. Okay, so he had some bad "game", sure. But as far as being into you -- he was. A guy's effort should be expressing -- not putting on a dog & pony show. Now granted, he should have taken you out... but he probably didn't have tons of money and being loving to you was his aim... that's where the effort is. I think you were too weird about it there. So all in all, Part II was not bad by him...

Then he came to visit me for a week. Not once did he get physical with me or kiss me at all and I wondered what was wrong. I persuaded him reluctantly to try sex....but he couldn't get an erection. Then he said it was because I'm not very good at blow jobs. And I asked why he hadn't sex with me for almost a year and he said, "I have too much respect for you to have sex with you".

Yeah, he's got ED problems. That's basically it. It probably affected him wanting to have sex with you in Part I, too, which explains his wackiness. The last quote from him -- that's BS.

Then fast forward a few months and I meet this guy who pulls out all the stops, really shows me attention and makes me feel wanted and attractive for the first time for a long time. And I end up sleeping with him. I broke up with my boyfriend the next day.

Yeah, you cheated on him. Even though you should have broken up with him, especially since it was LD and strange most of the time, you still cheated. Waiting for something better, or taking up another option while you're going out with someone, even in a bad relationship -- is cheating. Don't let anyone tell ya any different...

what does it mean when a guy "has too much respect for you" to have sex. What does it all mean?

It was BS. The guy has sexual dysfunction problems... probably aided by his own emotional issues. Don't harp on him saying that -- it's just an excuse. He's not going to say, "Yeah, it's hard for me to get it up." That's probably why he liked porn. A guy with those problems can get his own motor running much easier.

You shouldn't beat yourself up over cheating on the guy, as it was a bad relationship. You having sex with the "new guy" actually wasn't cheating... but getting entangled with any guy in any way is. You getting porked by the "new guy" just added some "umph" to the cheating. But, many people cheat. Good people have a cheat in their history, and bad people have more (many people just like to redefine 'cheating' to suit themselves).

For conscience sake: You can just write an email to your ex, deeply apologizing... and letting him know why you were unhappy but that's no excuse, you wish him well, etc. That should make you feel better -- some sort of resolution. It hurts someone worse when the other person did something bad but doesn't give a sh!t.... but when they let you know they f'd up and it's their bad, in a sincere & convincing way, it gives it resolution.
 makavali7dayz3
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 25
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Getting over doing something awful..
Posted: 1/17/2013 8:50:04 AM
You shouldn't cheat on anyone no matter what. If you want to be with someone else break up with him. How would you feel if you were cheated on you ? People have such a huge double standard on here ? If someone cheated on her everyone would say dump his ass. Everyone is comforting her and saying its okay.

Bib i have nothing against you. I don't like women who cheat.
 makavali7dayz3
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 27
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Getting over doing something awful..
Posted: 1/17/2013 9:10:30 AM
I totally understand about getting caught in a moment and you didn't think. I just think once you cheat than your better off going seperate ways. Too much drama and trust issues. Take it as a lesson and don't ever do it again. Your a better person than that. I believe that.

I am a nice guy and i never want to hurt anyone or be mean. I want to give honest advice, and construstive critcism. I feel like alot of men are going easy on you because your a beautiful women. I won't go easy on you because your pretty. Your going to get the truth whether you like it or not.
 makavali7dayz3
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 29
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Getting over doing something awful..
Posted: 1/17/2013 10:08:40 AM
Anything that brings us closer to g d is a wonderful thing, in my opinion. I got closer to g d after a horrible breakup. We all make mistakes. You learned from it and decided to be a better person. I know your not a serial cheater who gets off on cheating.

I know women like that and the men who stay with them. I have zero respect for men who stay with serial cheaters. They have no self respect or love.

Personally. I would consider dating you even though you made that mistake, because you were honest and you knew it was wrong.
 makavali7dayz3
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 33
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Getting over doing something awful..
Posted: 1/17/2013 11:00:45 AM
Don't worry about how you look. Just tell him how you feel and appolgize if you wish. You never have to see him again. Speak from the heart. Your very welcome.

BTW thank you for your msg (you know what i mean). It made me feel awesome bib :)
Your the first of many i hope.
 boatbob2q
Joined: 3/7/2012
Msg: 41
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Getting over doing something awful..
Posted: 12/21/2016 4:56:56 PM
It is IMPOSSIBLE,for a Lady to not be very good at giving a blow job,The ABSOLUTE WORSE blow job,I ever had,,,,,WAS FANTASTIC......
 Ouija2025
Joined: 6/11/2014
Msg: 42
Getting over doing something awful..
Posted: 12/21/2016 6:31:54 PM
I think your auto correct messed up
You meant diaper change
 Railrunner
Joined: 12/1/2010
Msg: 43
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Getting over doing something awful..
Posted: 12/31/2016 5:37:27 PM
Though the OP is not here anymore, I do wonder if part of the ex's problem may come from being sexually abused earlier in life. Some of it sounds like me, before roughly 13 years ago, when I finally came to terms with what had happened. A lot of things sound at least similar.

"I have too much respect for you to have sex with you". Sounds like something I once said. Translated into "I still have trauma issues from something that has happened years ago. As I have not previously discussed this with you, it is more than I want to quickly dump on your shoulders".

But, who knows really? Could have been anything. And I am sure I am going to get some jerks here to make smartalek, trolling comments. But whatever.
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