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 tinkerbell30948
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 1
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How do I handle being stood upPage 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Hi today I was stood up by a person on t,his site. I am new to this site and new to dating. I am not interested in a relationship but I must say being stood up really hurt. I felt like I had been played a fool. I am a smart woman but so far I have had one person out right say he thought I was a man, and now this. I was very upset about it. I realize that not everybody is like this but I am now not trusting of others and as a matter of fact just told another person who was saying some things similar that I had a feeling that even though I want to meet him he would hurt me. He was angry and said how dare I say that to him. I just don't handle rejection like this very well and when that happens I say rash things. HELP please I need to know how to be more resilient when this happens so I don't react and chase others off.
 RobSody
Joined: 1/6/2013
Msg: 2
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 12:05:51 AM
best way seems to be block the idiot and move on.

internet dating seems to be a series of hit or miss, mostly miss. Alot of people have no actual interest in meeting or dating or anything. If you happen to come across one who seems legit then flakes out, you can't let it get to you. Just rebait your hook and look for a new fish.
 tinkerbell30948
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 3
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How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 12:09:34 AM
I did that I am saying how do I not feel so rejected about and how do I best move on.
 RobSody
Joined: 1/6/2013
Msg: 4
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 12:12:02 AM
best way to move on would be to block him and pretend he never existed. Because you never actually met him, that shouldnt be too hard. Hate to say it, but really, you will just have to grow a thicker skin. You have to sort through alot of coal to find a diamond.
 tinkerbell30948
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 5
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How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 12:14:19 AM
Good advice thanks just wish I had not turned away another person because he introduced himself in a similar way. Oh well
 Cheskat37
Joined: 12/25/2012
Msg: 6
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 12:19:03 AM
I'm sorry to hear that. He sounds like a real jerk. I had a situation where I was going to meet someone for coffee but a few minutes into the date he excused himself saying he had to go. Guy never made eye contact with me and this was a long drive to the halfway point here in San Diego but that's okay I had another guy ask me out the same day and ended up hitting him up and went to ride our bikes on the beach together .. Guess sometimes ya gotta be flexible
 RobSody
Joined: 1/6/2013
Msg: 7
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 12:22:32 AM
well as for that, you have to set your own rules and follow them.

I have at times been in email/text/chat exchanges with more than one lady. But I only date exclusively. Once I started to actually see someone (i.e. after the first meet or first date if there is mutual interest), that's it. I am unavailable, off the market.


You say you are not looking for a relationship, just dating. Well, set your own rules. Will you date more than one person? Will you keep it casual? whatever. And try not to let one experience sour you from a new experience. Live, Learn, Grow. Just because 2 men say similar things doesn't mean they will act the same way. Doesn't mean they wont either, and that's where your rules protect you.
 Orionthehunter9
Joined: 6/28/2012
Msg: 8
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 2:59:07 AM
Embrace that feeling. It is genuine, and it is part of the process. Acknowledging it will mean you will never do this type of thing to another.

When some hear say grow the thick skin, they are often suggesting to not put all your eggs in one basket. By dating many and not getting to wrapped up in one person you will protect your pride and you self-esteem. That is all nice until you pull the plug suddenly on somebody (rules of the game right), and then you essentially condemn another here to a cynical and unrealistic dating approach fraught with frustration and emotion. And the cycle continues.
 Blah_User_Name
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 9
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 3:23:30 AM

how do I not feel so rejected about and how do I best move on.

You understand that it wasn't personal. It couldn't have been because he has never met you and he doesn't know you. You won't feel rejected once you understand that he wasn't rejecting you and that standing you up was reflective of his character not yours. It might be that he did a drive-by and determined no interest when he saw you, it might be that he had no intention of ever coming because he likes to jerk people around, it might be that he's socially inept and sets up meets outside his home but can't bring himself to leave, it might be that he's married and his wife was unexpectedly home so he couldn't leave, it might be that he just changed his mind and didn't bother calling - But you'll see that all the possible reasons are all to do with him, not you.

Once you consider that, and understand that it wasn't personal as he doesn't know you, then think about if these are the personality traits you would want in someone you date. If not, he's actually done you a huge favor by showing you exactly who he is fairly quickly.

Sure, you wasted some time waiting around for someone who isn't a match but that's better than dating for a while and then finding out his personality doesn't gel with yours, isn't it?

He eliminated himself from your search and did all the work for you. There, I'm betting you feel a whole lot better now.

This isn't a gender specific issue. Women do this too. I think sometimes, with the user numbers here, some people believe they have thousands to pick from. They aren't always honest about themselves in the interactions before a meet is arranged and when the time for face-to-face comes, they know they have mis-represented themselves. Rather than showing up and being called on their inaccuracies, they just fade away. It's cowardly for sure but some people aren't who we hoped they would be anyway.
 windrider17
Joined: 10/21/2012
Msg: 10
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 4:49:56 AM
Its not a good feeling being stood up. One thing to remember, You missed meeting a person that does not do what he/she says. Really it is no loss.

Keep going, and know when it is the right one and the right time..that person will do exactly what they say.
 AnnB72
Joined: 7/2/2012
Msg: 11
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 6:37:53 AM
Some very good advice here...
Definitely his actions were reflective of his personality and his insecurities. Same with the men who feel the need to criticize you unjustly (the one who said you look like a man? What a freak!). You cannot let those individuals' judgement's damage you (as was their plan, no doubt - to make you inferior to them, to strike out due to their own issues). These men should just drop off your radar. You have a choice to maintain your dignity and send them packing.

By the same token, you should not be seeking justifications through the eyes of a potential partner - if you need a man to tell you you are worthy, that bespeaks a sense of self-doubt. You should know you are worthy. Self-doubt often leads to acts of desperation in an attempt to qualify yourself by using your partner as a tool for your own self-image. That act of honesty (in telling a man he might hurt you) comes off as self-sabotage. You both could hurt each other - it's an inherent risk in seeking another, but to actually say that puts a lot of pressure on the other - makes them think you might not be capable of stability in the relationship (even if it's just 'friends'), or that you will always be looking for the 'problems'.

As for how to deal with meeting people from online? As another poster mentioned, I always choose to meet somewhere where if he doesn't show, I have my book and pleasant surroundings to entertain myself.
Lots of flaky people out there!
Good luck!
;)
 dcinsc13
Joined: 12/26/2012
Msg: 13
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 8:33:56 AM
I have been stood up twice, it does not feel good. It was weird to me that I felt anything, we didn't know each other, so it made no sense to me that I felt hurt. I did though! I have found I have the same feeling when we do meet, hit it off, so I think, then he never talks to me again. I am nice, friendly and sociable. I have no clue what went wrong. I mean, if two people meet and have fun, can't they at least still talk and be "cyber" friends.
I think because this is the internet, some people forget they are talking to real people with feelings, emotions, or even a heart!!!
I have decided that from now on, I will send him a short message simply saying, YOUR LOSS
 matchlight
Joined: 1/31/2009
Msg: 14
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How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 8:36:44 AM
I know it's easier said than done, but it's best not to think about it. Dwelling on what happened makes it seem worse than it is. You really didn't even know whoever this was--dismiss them, and go on to the next one. In time, you'll care less and less whether some stranger has a good opinion of you.
 Zuglo65
Joined: 4/19/2012
Msg: 15
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How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 8:47:24 AM
I don't really have any good advice to give. Was going to say grow a thick skin, forget about it, etc.
But it's easier said than done.
One thing I would say is, don't think everybody is going to "hurt" you, because that one guy.
BTW..HURT you?? He didn't show up..How can you be hurt that bad about it??
Sorry, just don't understand.
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 16
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 1:11:26 PM
It happens. In my case, it was usually women that were afraid of giving me their phone number. When I came up with my rule, no phone, no date, never had that problem again.

Also. I usually meet at the bar of restaurants. So when those cases took place, I made friends with the people at the bar. So always have a contingency plan.
 venusenvy777
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 17
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 3:04:33 PM
Dont let one bad apple spoil the bunch. Get back in the saddle sista! Look at it this way, I would say you dodged a bullet. It would have been a total waste of time to meet such a jerk....
 curviest
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 18
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How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 3:25:16 PM
I agree with everything on this thread -- these people are giving you very valuable advice.

Natalie Lue wrote a great blog called "Blessings In Disguise – Be Thankful That They Didn’t Show Up and Other Things To Be Thankful For."

Google that phrase with the quot marks and read what she says.
 sun_and_cinnamon
Joined: 12/12/2012
Msg: 19
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 3:25:34 PM
I have been stoodup twice, and a third time a guy flaked out last minute. My advice: Learn to have a plan B! Makes it easier, then you don't feel like your whole night was blown to sh*t
 curviest
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 20
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How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 3:27:11 PM
Also, think of this ... if he was the sort of bloke who would stand a woman up, then he's NOT the sort of bloke you want to get involved with, is he? SO be grateful he didn't show up, and take up more of your life than he already did.
 OKgirl529
Joined: 10/29/2008
Msg: 21
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 3:54:54 PM
If you aren't looking for a relationship...then why does it hurt?

Anyway. Accept reality. It's that simple.
Not everyone will find you attractive or like your personality.
It's a part of life.
 LathaMath
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 22
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/15/2013 5:40:26 PM
You can rationalize it. That sometimes works. Convince yourself it's not important.

You can look at yourself in the mirror every morning after you finish brushing your
teeth (the full 3 minutes) and repeat slowly and earnestly "I will not let rejection bother me"
until it is imprinted in your subconcious mind and you no longer feel bad when rejected.

You can go out an purposefully get stood up and rejected as many times as it takes to
get over it. I think it's called "flooding".

I'm sure there are other techniques. You can find them in books at the public library
and problaby now on the Internet too.
Take charge. Don't let rejection ruin your life.
 tinkerbell30948
Joined: 1/4/2013
Msg: 23
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How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/17/2013 12:45:27 AM
No I had one man say I looked like a man and another stood me up two different men
 Perspektiv
Joined: 10/31/2012
Msg: 24
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/17/2013 3:32:49 AM
Reality is, you can't predict against someone standing you up, but you can plan accordingly, to avoid it bothering you.

I can echo those stating to always have a plan B. I don't mean a plan B date, but something else you could do that is around the way of where you'd be having your date. They don't show up? Big deal, you can go shopping, as you're right next to the mall, kind of deal.

I will only wait a certain amount of time, prior to leaving (if you haven't given me notice you're about to be late).
I've heard people waiting for hours, which to me is completely crazy. I can't even think of a human being I'd wait hours for, without any notice they're about to show up late.

If I don't know you, and you didn't give me a heads up, you're getting 15 minutes, tops.
At that point, I'd still have the decency of texting you, and letting you know something came up, and I need to go.
Once I make that decision, there's no way there would be a second chance. Only give them the amount of time you'd be comfortable with (in terms of it not upsetting you). Otherwise, you'll grow bitter the more you get such treatment.

I always look at life with regards to the positives in a situation, or the lessons learned in it.

Treat it as such. They've just taught you a lesson, with regards to the character they have, and did you a favor of showing you their true colors early, as opposed to letting you fall in love with them, and doing it then.

Their loss. Move on.
 aussiesealady
Joined: 11/10/2011
Msg: 25
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/17/2013 3:22:25 PM
Agree with everyone.

I always confirm.
Yesterday had a first meet for lunch.
Confirmed the night before and just as I was leaving.

As difficult as it is try to keep your expectations low.
Then be pleasantly surprised.

For the record yesterday ended up spending the day together - 8 hours. Lunch, walk around and then a picnic dinner.
A record first meet.

There are lovely men out there.
Keep looking.
 _PassionFlower
Joined: 11/27/2011
Msg: 26
How do I handle being stood up
Posted: 1/17/2013 4:04:31 PM
I was stood up once. It was when I first joined this site after being single for 2 yrs. We had emailed, texted, video chatted, and talked over the span of a wk. We set a date to meet....I got dolled up, and the jackass flaked on me! I was so pissed! I of course sent him some msgs going off on him, he never replied. After another week, he hit me up asking me if I was "OK". Any way, he goes on to say that I must have been really upset and obviously didnt have a boyfriend because I had been so passionate and emotional when he stood me up. Well, he asked me out. I let him sit on ice for a day, and then I told him the time and place. Well, I STOOD HIS ASS UP!!! He called and called, I sent his ass straight to voicemail. After an hour, I answered his call, and he was all to ready to meet me where ever I had suggested. I did meet up with him, and he was/ is a good man. We went out for 6 months, but I messed it up because I was torn between two lovers...he left me alone, but I do miss him....So, the moral of the story is REJECTION IS GODS PROTECTION!!
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