Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Did you ever date 'the friend'?      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 venusenvy777
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 2
Did you ever date 'the friend'?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I dont think attraction is a choice. I think its something we cant control. If you are having mixed feelings and the relationship is that close, I would just have a honest discussion about it with him. I wish you luck sweetie
 venusenvy777
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 5
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/15/2013 5:55:42 PM
You have to put attraction into the equation Darlin, attraction is what makes the whole thing work. Its the spark that starts everything and without it you really have nothing. Hang on to what you feel is right and dont be pressured into doing whats wrong for you. Its your life, YOU have to live it. It sounds to me like you have a good head on your shoulders and your making good decisions. I think one day soon you will meet the right guy. If your with the WRONG guy, you will miss Mr. right when he comes along. So hang tough Baby! lol
 Worbug
Joined: 4/23/2009
Msg: 6
view profile
History
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/15/2013 6:47:44 PM
Maybe you should just cut ties with him for the time being. Sounds like he is meeting your emotional needs. How does he feel about you? Does he think there is potential? Sometimes men get the idea there is potential because of all the time spent with a lady and really he is just filler for her empty time or satifies the needs that the Guy getting the goodies won't invest in.

It is only fair to him and yourself that if there is no attraction as you say then you need to part ways and get rid of the crutches. You both need to find partners that you can share everything with and not compartmentalize.

I would guess that if you said as a matter of fact you will never have attraction for him, he would very soon disappear as he should.

You are young, you will look past many guys like this, nothing wrong with it, everyone has their preference. Just don't be surprised later in life when you bump into him and he could care less.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 8
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/15/2013 6:57:19 PM
What is the guy lacking that prevents him from being dating material? How long have you known him? What's odd about this is you two get along so well together, which is half the battle in making relationships work, and you even said he would be perfect husband material. The female mind is one of the biggest mysteries in the universe.
 Sweet_Danimal
Joined: 6/22/2012
Msg: 9
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/15/2013 7:19:13 PM

...attraction is what makes the whole thing work. Its the spark that starts everything and without it you really have nothing...


Unfortunately, the 'Spark' is also what makes women cling desperately to their douchebags, because some time ago they felt that 'spark' and they think (rather stubbornly) that they feel that 'spark' once again, as soon as he changes.... women LUST for the 'Spark', in all it's shapes and forms. The problem is; LUST is pretty much what the 'Spark' is all about; not anything lasting or real. You need a spark to get the engine running, but you gotta have fuel to keep it going.
-------------------
--- If you've tried dancing around the 'firepit' and nothing has happened, nothing is gonna happen. That's all there is to it.
--- If you're still standing in the woods waiting for him to strike a 'match' FOR you, well, that's just being lazy. Approach him!
--- If he says 'No,' well, there you go. Still friends? Maybe. But you can't win the lottery if you don't buy a ticket.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 11
view profile
History
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/15/2013 8:25:25 PM
I'm reluctant to comment as inexperience isn't something most of us like re-channeling. It was scary, and situations had a lot of awkward. Who knew women had pubic bones or more than three erogenous zones? Why are cars so attractive and who would have guessed babes could be so definite about going for it in public places? Who has those cell phone vids and do lobbies capture video on those cameras? Why don't girls like private situations in a bed made for two people, why is all shared, public, beaches, cul-de-sacs? Is there something illegal about confessing a secret desire before 3am and round 3? The screaming-- and the crying and weird laughter and splotch spots that who knows where they came from- no one can warn about that.

He's far enough away that it will be easy to beg off if things are hugely strange. Do you like cooking from scratch, tutoring, hands on instruction?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 12
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/15/2013 9:08:14 PM

In other words, is attraction a choice?

NO! Who the heck would make you think that? Is liking or hating peanut butter ice cream a choice? No.

he understands me, he supports me...and he has "good husband material" written all over him

So you're basically using him for validation, attention, comfort, etc... while he's chasing you and hoping that you'll pull him out of the friend zone. LOL.

And I tell that it's not as if I don't like them but that I'm just not attracted.

Attraction is required. Period. And you not liking perfectly nice guys... that's an issue you do have. And yes, looks do play a role, I'm sorry. Sometimes our judgement of a "nice guy" comes off of what we assess by what we see, visually. But that's not to say any potential attraction will wilter if the guy comes across as "too nice". If you actually like "husband material", then it's pretty much his looks... which makes sense. You're probably out of his league, and he's Mr Nice Guy to potentially be with you some day (possibly).
 EnigmaticDalton
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 13
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/18/2013 12:59:27 AM
There's two kinds of female friends.

There's the kind that are upfront with you and either have no issues having sex with you or will outright tell you they are not interested.

Then there's the kind that lead you on and pretend to be your friend when in reality they are just using you.

This quote basically sums it up

So you're basically using him for validation, attention, comfort, etc... while he's chasing you and hoping that you'll pull him out of the friend zone. LOL.


A real friend has no problems being honest about how they feel. Fake friends play bullshit games and make excuses for their behavior.

I look at it this way, put yourself in their shoes and tell me how you would feel if someone did to you what you are doing to him. If you wouldn't like being in their shoes then maybe you should stop doing what your doing.
 LathaMath
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 14
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/18/2013 8:52:54 AM
Here's my reading: I sense from this and your profile that your men friends aren't active and intense enough to engage your mind. In particular this one isn't. You relegate them to the "friend zone". Perhaps you need to find out what kind of personality turns you on in the real world, not in your wishful fantasy world.

It's nice that you can offer sex advice based on your considerable experience. :)
 spot4username
Joined: 6/19/2007
Msg: 16
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/18/2013 9:37:38 AM

There's this guy I really get on with. I mean I love him as a friend, he understands me, he supports me...and he has "good husband material" written all over him but I cannot see him as any more than a friend no matter how hard I try. It really sucks because I would date him. Has anyone else felt like this?

In other words, is attraction a choice?


Yes. I have a man like this in my life. I have tried to see him as a romantic interest because I know he would welcome it but I just can't. I would never lead him on or pretend to like him in a way other than I do. I 100% understand what you are talking about.

I believe you can grow to love a person but you cannot grow to lust a person.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 17
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/18/2013 11:33:18 AM
Gave it a try once, about, oh, 20 years ago, maybe more, and found that I absolutely could not force it. We had I think two dates, he kissed me goodnight after the second one, and he was a good kisser but I just felt absolutely nothing. I still remember the piercing sensation in my chest on realizing I was going to have to tell him it wouldn't work. I truly loved the man and loathed hurting him but there was no way.

It ruined the friendship because he was never able to see me as a friend again after that. There was no going back.

Many years later, he wrote to me suggesting we rekindle the friendship, and I was delighted, but it didn't go well. He kept bringing up the past and was still angry with me for not having been able to feel romantic about him. He had a lovely girlfriend and was happy with her, so he wasn't pursuing me, it's just that he was holding a grudge and could not stop talking about it. I guess that's really why he wrote me. So I had to break off contact completely then.

It's all terribly sad and if you really feel zero attraction, I strongly recommend against trying it. It might not end THAT badly, but end badly it will.
 tooborednow
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 18
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/18/2013 1:33:20 PM

In other words, is attraction a choice?

Sort of.
Do you see pooping as a choice?
It's about the same.
You can choose what to eat, you can experiment with different foods, you can choose to hold it for a while, you can force it. You can even get a colostomy bag, use technology, to circumvent part of the process and relearn how to do it.
It's not a process you can simply turn off and on or remove from yourself.


Has anyone else felt like this?

Tons of people have for different reasons.
Some people were just too scared of change to try.
Some people were just too prideful in themselves to try and change it.

Some people simply lied to themselves about their feelings. They didn't really "love" them as a friend, they just liked what they got from the other person by them sticking around, and knew if they went for "more" they'd be unhappy and would lose what they were getting. But people want to see themselves as "good" so emotionally flagellate themselves as a means to punish themselves to pay for being in the relationship they really want.

Some people felt this way because it's what the other person wanted. It was a transaction based relationship that slowly escalated. i.e. in this instance you get him to stick around and give you what you want by reciprocating giving him a little of what he wants, he sticks around and keeps giving it to you, but you know he wants more (through indirect communication) so you start running a ROI to keep the relationship going, fighting giving him what he wants because it's not what you want but you want him to keep giving you what you want so you just try to give him a liiiiiitle bit of what he wants to get him to stick around.

Some people feel this way because they are simply drama queens that watched too many episodes of One Tree Hill so turn everything into a little miniseries starring them and their feelings, painting themselves as the victim or martyr. They create these emotional dramas for their own image, ego, and self importance.
 EnigmaticDalton
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 19
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/18/2013 2:16:39 PM

I think our personalities are too similar so that's why I'm getting a friend vibe from him.


I thought people wanted similarities in a partner...


Some people simply lied to themselves about their feelings. They didn't really "love" them as a friend, they just liked what they got from the other person by them sticking around, and knew if they went for "more" they'd be unhappy and would lose what they were getting. But people want to see themselves as "good" so emotionally flagellate themselves as a means to punish themselves to pay for being in the relationship they really want.


This.

You say you are not using the guy, and you told him you don't wanna be more than friends. Have you ever at anytime hinted at the possibility of more?
 12thour
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 20
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/18/2013 2:25:33 PM
No Mam...you feel it or you don't.

Now some peopl can make themselvs attracted to money. How the heck they do that I have no idea. I can't cuddle it, make love to it, feel it's warmth next to my skin or communicate with it..and it sure as heck doesn't care about me.

So...I have to be attracted to the whole of the man I am with. By-the-way..if I find him gorogeous it isn't always in aggrement with my friends...they may think "it must be love" cuz they are not a match...I am fine with that.

Still looking for that though:)
 EnigmaticDalton
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 22
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/18/2013 2:46:25 PM

Dating a male version of myself would be boring. I'd never learn something from the other person.


So let me get this right, he is exactly like you only male? and that would be boring because you'd have nothing left to learn?

So if you were in a relationship with someone for about 10 years, and you pretty much learned everything about that person, you would end the relationship because at that point there's nothing left to learn and it would be boring?

This is absurd... did it ever occur to you that you can experience and learn new things TOGETHER?

Honestly I would love a female version of me, that would be awesome. The fun would never end!
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 23
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/18/2013 3:12:25 PM

No Mam...you feel it or you don't.

She already knows she doesn't feel it... that's not in question. But what it does expose is that she's more about being in a great relationship than being into a person. To her, it's the harmonious relationship first, which then requires a person (as a passenger on the train). Where for most people, it's the person first, and from that begets a relationship.

As a side note though, I would say 90% of the time you should feel it or you don't. Being on the fence can happen, but if it's too common, there's something wrong with the person, as it should be a rarity. Many times they don't know they're actually into or not into a person (not in touch with themselves). In those cases, they SHOULD date an opp-gender version of themselves -- a lot can be learned from looking in the mirror. :)
 LathaMath
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 25
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/18/2013 5:24:08 PM
Tell me more about what you mean by "wishful fantasy world" and "active and intense enough". I'm not sure what you mean when you say you get that from my profile. I wasn't aware of wanting someone very intense. At least if I had someone too intense, I wouldn't like it.

Also I don't have "considerable experience", just more experience than him.



My parents are always miffed at me for rejecting "perfectly nice" guys


Your profile paints a picture of someone with a very active mind and lifestyle. You write that you find the men you meet unappealing. I suggest men aren't keeping up with you.

A common problem with online dating is unrealistic expectations based on idealistic requirements based on imagination rather than reality, hence "fantasy". The men you meet are the men that are out there. Mostly average by definition.

"Considerable experience" followed by ":)" is a joke.
 MrShoesnchocolate
Joined: 1/14/2013
Msg: 27
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/18/2013 5:48:11 PM
Some make the mistake of thinking that if a friendship is great so will be a relationship with them but they don't consider something vital :

Expectations of a friendship are vastly different from those of a romantic partner.

I did the deed and the difference was night and day.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 29
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/22/2013 3:41:54 PM
That is not true. On the basis of my past relationships, that has most certainly not been the case. However my hormones have settled down and I'm ready to get sensible.

No, that WAS not true. It IS more true now, in what you said in your last sentence. And you also said...

And you have to appreciate that I have know for a long time and as such haven't even entertained the thought that he could be a boyfriend.

Yes, you didn't. But NOW you do. As a husband...

he has "good husband material" written all over him but I cannot see him as any more than a friend no matter how hard I try.

So you try hard at making him fit into it, and you're perplexed about it. Why would anyone do that? Why would it even be asked about, confused about, etc? Because "now" you yearn for the fitting role of the warm-n-fuzzy relationship -- he's a match to fit that role (but not you), as you're not attracted to him. If you didn't put the concept of being IN a relationship first above attraction to someone, this wouldn't have racked your brain nor perplexed/frustrated/confused you for even a second.
 dcinsc13
Joined: 12/26/2012
Msg: 30
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/22/2013 10:07:35 PM
I had a friend like that.
We got married.
We got divorced.
We are still friends.
Just my story, not everyone's, it may work for some people.
I do know that you should be friends first, then marry.
Just didn't work for me.
 NVcollegeguy
Joined: 9/3/2012
Msg: 31
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/23/2013 12:08:45 AM
Sorry but i never understood why women hold labels so strictly. Once you get labeled a friend you're suddenly completely unattractive for some reason. For me the more I get to know a woman they can get more attractive sometimes, I don't understand why it's the opposite for women. I heard a theory that women will decide whether they find a guy sexually attractive or not the first 90 seconds they interact with them in person.
 EnigmaticDalton
Joined: 1/13/2013
Msg: 32
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 1/23/2013 1:24:34 AM

Sorry but i never understood why women hold labels so strictly.


They don't, it means whatever is most convenient for them at the time.


Once you get labeled a friend you're suddenly completely unattractive for some reason.


You're not really their friend... after all the key word in boyfriend/girlfriend is FRIEND... so obviously one can still be a friend and be attractive.


For me the more I get to know a woman they can get more attractive sometimes, I don't understand why it's the opposite for women.


Same here, If a girl has good qualities she instantly becomes more attractive to me. What can I say I like good women.


I heard a theory that women will decide whether they find a guy sexually attractive or not the first 90 seconds they interact with them in person.


I'd say this applies to almost everyone regardless of gender... it doesn't take long to decide if someone is sexually attractive or not...
 msright78
Joined: 12/11/2012
Msg: 34
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 2/18/2013 11:25:34 AM
Sort of.

I was friends with a guy for over 16 years. He got married, had 2 kids and then got divorced. We get along great. He was there for me when I needed a friend.

In all the years I was never attracted to him. Always thought of him as a friend and nothing more. Then when he got divorced and we got closer, i realized hey maybe we can work out. I mean after all he knows me completely inside and out. At that point in my life I wasn't attracted to him one bit. But as the idea of wanting to start a relationship with him beyond friendship, the attraction become evident.

So it can work but the problem is if things didn't work, u would end up losing a good friend.

I lost my friend cuz it hurts too much to be friends with him. Friends don't hurt u. And well he hurt me. I'm over it NOW but it took a long time! A year to be exact!

Sp thread the waters lightly and remember if things don't work out between u 2, u'll lose a friend forever. Is that worth it?
 DontAskMe2CarryUrPurse
Joined: 1/22/2013
Msg: 35
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 2/18/2013 4:32:56 PM
Initial attraction is not a choice but love is and with love comes attraction because beauty shines from within, it's not skin deep.
 angellight2091
Joined: 7/21/2009
Msg: 38
view profile
History
Did you ever date 'the friend'?
Posted: 2/19/2013 6:05:31 AM
Isnt that the worst?? I once dated a guy who was as damn near perfect as you could get.. Great job, good looking, body builder, treated me like a princess, was great with my kids, loving and kind and wanted to marry me.... He was everything I should have wanted but for some reason I just didnt feel that magic something.. The more he pushed for a commitment the more I only felt trapped..I ended up telling him I wanted to see other people and we parted ways.. A couple months later he called and came over looking hot as ever.. We went out on his motorcycle, had dinner, got caught in a thunderstorm and had a great time.. All I could do is wonder why dont I love this guy, I should... So no I dont think attraction is a choice..
Show ALL Forums  > Dating Experiences  > Did you ever date 'the friend'?