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 eve1962
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 1
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Perfect in every way apart from physical .....Page 1 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
Met a man off this site just over two years ago. I was just bored and browsing profiles and saw his - didn't find myself attracted to his photos, but his profile said he had a smallholding in West Wales, so I just messaged him to say how that sounded great.

He replied and we chatted via messages. Turned out he was from where I live - he'd grown up just a few streets away where I had grew up. After leaving the family homes, we had both lived on the same street again yet never bumped into each other. Where he now lives, I had spent many holidays with my family there - know all the beaches he now knows and loves too.

We chatted on the phone after quite a few POF messages and got on great - talked for hours every night. Then he came over to visit and we got on great - so many things in common, same views on so many things. He came over only 3 times in total - only over a short period of time. I met his Mum, his sister and his daughter. Everything was OK.

But the distance was an issue. He didn't want to move back to where I live and he used to live. No way was I upping and moving to West Wales without a good 6 month trial run, which would have proved too difficult - giving up work, etc. So we lost contact, but have recently started talking again.

We still get on great - talk for hours and still agree on most things. But, as much as I try to see beyond looks, I just don't find him physically attractive. I'm no stunner - but in his eyes, I am (he told me that).

At 50, I'm getting sick of the dating thing and getting to know someone - especially when I've gotten to know him and we get on so very very well. Would it be possible to get past the no physical attraction on my part? My last ex was everything I wanted physically in a man, but we had nothing in common.

Could it work? Or do you really need to have the physical attraction as well? We did sleep together - I know, too soon. But the sex was good. It's just that I don't look at him and think "hmmmm". Am I being shallow? If he didn't find my physically attractive, would he bother?
 supplygoodguy
Joined: 6/4/2012
Msg: 2
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 5:38:37 PM
Yah slept together.. ok as long as it was only sleep..

You are not attracted to him.. wtf.. why would you sleep with him.. mercy sex? or mercy, mercy me sex. geesh.

If all the balls ain't in the right court you're wanking with someone and you have no right to hold them emotional hostage.. move along and back away from the microphone.. k..
 eve1962
Joined: 12/26/2009
Msg: 3
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Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 5:42:50 PM
I'm not attracted to him physically, lookwise, but I am attracted to him in all other ways. It's not a repulsive unattraction, he just doesn't make me think "wow". But I'm thinking maybe with time that "wow" will come in other ways. I dunno.
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 4
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 5:44:32 PM
You like him enormously, the two of you get along great, you've met his family and that went well, and the sex was good.

Woman, what more do you want? So what if he has a long nose, or crooked teeth, or whatever it is you don't like in his appearance? Turn off the lights and be happy!
 nocatchyname
Joined: 5/17/2011
Msg: 5
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 5:46:51 PM
Physical attraction is as important as emotional and psychological. Being honest and open about how you feel is equally important. How do you think he would feel if he knew you were just settling for him because you hadn't found someone you were actually fully attracted to? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
 tickle_me_pank
Joined: 9/6/2012
Msg: 6
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Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 5:55:31 PM
Could it work?

In what respect?


It's just that I don't look at him and think "hmmmm".

I think the spark of attraction that people seek almost to the point of obsession is a basic human requirement to cement the bonds needed to sustain a relationship longer term. I don't think being "sick and tired of dating" is a good enough reason to inure yourself to someone for the sake of personal convenience. That would be a different way of being shallow, IMO.


If he didn't find my physically attractive, would he bother?

Oh hell no. What if you knew he was having sex with you and didn't think you were attractive? (However, I would define "attractive" as something more than just the physical, BTW.) What if he was like, "meh, she'll do I guess". I'd feel insulted, personally. I certainly wouldn't have any motivation left over to hang around. Maybe it's not that important to you.


we got on great - so many things in common, same views on so many things

A lot of times when that happens, people find themselves naturally growing more attracted to each other regardless of what their initial impressions might have been. If that isn't happening for you then I'm not sure what it is you really want out of this.
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 7
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 5:56:12 PM
I don't know if anyone can answer that for you OP since everyone is different.

Personally for me the answer is no. There has to be an element of mutual physical attraction on some level in order for anything further to happen.

It sounds like you are caught between feeling like you settled and convincing yourself it's not all about looks. ... Only you can decide if you can accept that.

 WomanInProgress
Joined: 10/16/2005
Msg: 8
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 6:09:39 PM
I'm going to say there must be some type of physical attraction for you to get through sex and actually describe it as good. While I normally feel that no attraction won't change - I think you do have some attraction to this man if you weren't repulsed by the thought of kissing or sex with him. From this point you will either become more or less enamored with him, but I think you should see where this goes. Maybe the level of wow you're looking for isn't necessary, perhaps the physical attraction will intensify with comfort and trust and someone just giving you what you need. I think you should stick with it.

When I'm not physically attracted (regardless of everything else) I can't being myself to consider being intimate - let alone engage in it.
 Whisky_River
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 9
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 6:28:12 PM
I absolutely know it will not work!
I tried this....he was actually a friend back from my teenage years. One of my first husbands good friends, in fact.
So, we have known each other for 30+ years...as friends only.
I knew his wife and children...my girls grew up calling him Uncle...for petes sake.
Finding ourselves both single and at the encouragement of other friends...I thought I could make it work.
The truth of the matter was.....that "chemistry" on my end was just not there....he was all into me....treated me like a queen.
After a few months...I just couldn't keep going on with the relationship....not fair to him or me
.
As someone pointed out....would you want someone to "settle" for you??
I don't care how old I am getting...ONE day spent with someone I don't desire is too many.
That's awful! Be honest..tell him.
 domainfullduplex100
Joined: 12/21/2012
Msg: 10
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Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 6:45:28 PM
you my dear are corrupted...by dating sites... at the same time..you should not settle. If this is tremendously important to you, then you could be miserable. If not..then at 50, smile and take it all in your stride..sounds like a good man.
 Hamilton12345
Joined: 3/29/2012
Msg: 11
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 7:06:20 PM

I'm going to say there must be some type of physical attraction for you to get through sex and actually describe it as good. While I normally feel that no attraction won't change - I think you do have some attraction to this man if you weren't repulsed by the thought of kissing or sex with him.


+1
 Countryboy_4u
Joined: 3/26/2012
Msg: 12
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 7:19:12 PM
Well looks like women DO think like men huh....so much for men being shallow....lol
 HappyHeartache
Joined: 1/9/2013
Msg: 13
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 7:31:36 PM
OK...so you want her to have her eyes closed whenever she is with him? You're only talking about when they have sex....

To the question: There has to be SOMETHING you find attractive and then you can build on it but if there's NOTHING you are attracted to, you never will be. That's part of the feelings we have for people...the physical part.
 Yule_liquor
Joined: 12/7/2011
Msg: 14
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 7:57:17 PM

Could it work?


It depends on what you treasure the most
the body or the soul, the external veneer or the solid foundation
that is for you to decide (if you can).

But even if you were attracted to him; how long do you think it would take for you to get used to him and the novelty wearing off!
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 15
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 8:04:45 PM
Op,i just cant imagine having sex with someone who you didnt find attractive?
He cant be all that bad unless you were so horny that "anyone" would do and i dont think that's the case here.....

So,what exactly is it about him that you find unattractive?
(Just curious........................)
I hope you find a solution to your 'dilemma'!
 HappySingleSpirit
Joined: 9/10/2011
Msg: 16
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Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 8:42:44 PM
If I understand you correctly (and that’s a huge if) it sounds like you are settling for a man you are not attracted to because dating has become a drag.

If you lived in a perfect world, where what you thought, felt, wanted, and needed was the norm, would you be happy with this man? There is the answer.
 daynadaze
Joined: 2/11/2008
Msg: 17
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Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 9:15:56 PM
I don't worry about physical attraction, as in what looks one got from the roll of the DNA dice, any guy I really liked as a person became quite good looking to me physically. I realize not everyone's mind works that way but I'm glad mine does as I've met a lot of interesting men because I didn't base my attraction on their outside looks.
 Zephyr2553
Joined: 12/28/2008
Msg: 18
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/16/2013 9:42:35 PM
Getting along great and having a lot in common adds up to a good friend. Sex is like eating. If you're hungry even a McDonald's cheeseburger can seem "great".
Looks ARE important. That's the face you have to wake up to every morning and see before lights out every night. I wouldn't think of committing to someone I wasn't physically attracted to.
There are some things that just are a MAJOR turnoff. Sounds like you would just be settling for someone rather than waiting for that someone who bowls you over.
 curviest
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 19
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Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/17/2013 3:50:24 AM
Oh Eve!

The same thing is on my mind 24/7. I am also in my 50s and sick of searching, just want someone permanent etc.

I have met several men lately - one in particular - whose company and personality I absolutely adore, would love to spend time with, live with, even marry and be with all the rest of my life... but I just don't fancy them sexually. So I know exactly what that feels like.

Sometimes I wish one of these men would tell me he is impotent and/or wants no sex, just a life companion. That would solve the problem!

When I DO meet men that I find physically attractive, they are usually just looking for a one off bonk, or are otherwise unsuitable for a LTR.

I've read the other posters, and they reflect all the things I have been thinking. I waver between believing that it will never work if I don't have "the hots" for a guy, and believing that if everything else in the relationship is perfect I should just "grit my teeth and think of England". But I am no actress and I think a man would soon "sense" that I did not fancy him.

I wish I had an answer for you Eve but I am in the same boat.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 20
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/17/2013 3:53:08 AM
Not saying physical attraction is important to us but,sometimes I will ask how come???? Just imagine for a moment OP, if you were blind???? More than likely, this thread wouldn't have been made, and if you and he actually could "fix" the space in between you two, you would be together. No?????

I'm just throwing this out there. Not having the ability to "judge"(for lack of a better word) visually,would make us "look" at other characteristics a little more closely????? As in, the real important ones. Again,just throwing it out there.
 curviest
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 21
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Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/17/2013 4:02:36 AM
Having waded my way through all those superfluous question marks I found Walts's message to be a very interesting one... What if I were blind? Mind you, that would not help if the thing the lady finds objectionable was something palpable, rather than an ugly face. Here are some of the things that put me off a man

- bad breath
- rotting teeth
- beer gut
- hairy back/shoulders/chest
- tiny penis

So, not just blind but have my hands cut off, sense of smell removed, and .....?
 makavali7dayz3
Joined: 2/15/2010
Msg: 22
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Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/17/2013 6:36:40 AM
NO. i was in a relationship that you describe. It was impossible to fall in love. Granted i was much younger. If you can't look at them and be like omg he/she is so attractive and i want them then it won't work to well. Sex is a big part of any relationship. He is going to want sex and your just going to want to talk. It sounds like you want him as a friend. This won't work.
 sweetlotty
Joined: 1/15/2012
Msg: 23
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Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/17/2013 6:43:31 AM
I think it depends on the degree to which you find him physically lacking ie..is he just not the best looker around or is he borderline repulsive in his looks? If it's the former, and he was ideal in every other way, I'd say just get over the looks thing. The more we love someone, the more attractive they become to us anyway. I missed out on something wonderful in my past because of a similar situation. If you find him to be more on the repulsive side physically, then I'd say do some soul searching and follow your instinct. If he was close to perfect for you in every other way, then it may be worth trying to overcome any repulsion. What have you got to lose really? In a group I hung out with a number of years ago, 3 of the girls married guys whom everyone thought were on the unattractive side..one of the girls actually "picked up" her guy on a drunken dare from her friends, so unattractive was he...but years later, they are still happily married.
 curviest
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 24
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Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/17/2013 6:50:36 AM
Hey Sweetlotty ... the good thing about having an ugly partner is they are less likely to have an affair LOL....

Looking around my town I see an awful lot of ugly men with nice looking women. I suspect this means that women care more about personality than looks.... ?
 Burnabee
Joined: 9/12/2012
Msg: 25
Perfect in every way apart from physical .....
Posted: 1/17/2013 6:52:43 AM
Live in the present, see him again and if that's good, repeat for all the days of your life until the answer changes for you, or does not,,,keep it simple, don't over think it
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