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 vibrantshe
Joined: 3/21/2011
Msg: 1
Collateral Damage Page 1 of 1    
My boyfriend broke up with me the end of October. He is a widower with a 15 year old son.
It has been very difficult for me and I am doing my best to accept his decision and move on with my life.
However, I’m finding that not only am I missing my ex-boyfriend, I am missing his son terribly. I also feel so very guilty having gotten so close to this boy after he had already lost his mom. I made all his favorite foods that his mom used to make for him and took him shopping. I generally did the kinds of nurturing only a mom can do. I grew to care for this boy as much as I did his dad and so now I miss them both.

So how do you deal with having to give not one but two relationships?
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 2
Collateral Damage
Posted: 1/16/2013 11:05:41 PM
Temporarily mourn the loss of both relationships, of course.
Whatever you do...absolutely do not contact or respond to contact from his minor son.
That would invite a major hassle not worth engaging. Good luck.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 3
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Collateral Damage
Posted: 1/17/2013 4:15:17 AM
The main thing to watch out for, is that you don't try to use your feelings manipulatively.

I have seen a number of people write in here with more or less the same basic question, and I often get the sense that on some level, they are trying to talk themselves into making it okay to push the person who has left them, into accepting them back because they adore the child.

As wonderful as it is to care about someone, and to be cared about, it must never be allowed to be turned into something that the person who is the object of the affection, is to be forced to accept.

As for losing a two-fer, that's just something that you have to accept, if you get involved with a two-fer to begin with. You have to adjust yourself to the fact that two sets of imagined futures together are now gone.
 motown_cowgirl
Joined: 12/22/2011
Msg: 4
Collateral Damage
Posted: 1/17/2013 4:34:43 AM
i saw your earlier post where you said you had only been seeing this man for 6 months. you couldn't have spent that much time with either one of them, especially the kid. nurturing?? i never met any 15 year old boys who were like totally into hanging with dad and the girlfriend. that's because every 15-year-old all over the planet can't wait to get away from their parents. he'll be fine. so what's this self-imposed mother projection guilt-trip about, *really*? (you don't have to explain it to me or anyone here, but we both know that what you're saying doesn't add up.)


So how do you deal with having to give not one but two relationships?

you realize that when somebody breaks up with you, it's because the perceived cost of staying in the relationship is too unbearable, especially relative to the freedom of ending it. then you allow them the freedom to make that kind of a decision for themselves, because you would demand just as much freedom for yourself if you felt like you had to end a relationship for whatever reason.

when that happens, you can recognize the the guilt tripping and continuous grasping for closure as unnecessary games you play with yourself because you were stubbornly unwilling to just let go in the first place. sure you're bummed for a little while, but loss is part of life. so you get over it and find other things to occupy your mind.
 nirvanawithu
Joined: 12/12/2012
Msg: 5
Collateral Damage
Posted: 1/19/2013 7:09:43 PM
I know how you feel. I realy enjoyed helping a 10 yr. old daughter with homework, school projects, rides to school and other things. We had fun together and we talked about allot of things in life that she wouldn't have shared with her mother. I know she really liked having me there as a father figure, I'm certain she misses me as much as I miss her. I just mailed her some money for the A's she got on a recent report card, but I have a feeling we'll be drifting even further apart as time passes and there's nothing I can do about that.

I'll never forget that part in my life, I'd give anything to still be there and see her grow up, but it wasn't to be. All you can do wish the best for them and hope they life a happy life. I miss them both too, very much.

I don't think there's any good advice for this one. You simply have to let time pass...
 FallibleGuy
Joined: 1/8/2013
Msg: 6
Collateral Damage
Posted: 1/21/2013 4:48:11 PM
I'm going to keep it short and to the point because you seem to need a direct answer.

You're mourning, even though no people died, two living things did....relationships. Mourning is not a single act but a series of thousands, even millions of acts over a period of time. Our hearts and minds are not built to simply process mourning all at once.

You need to take the time, eventually you reach the point where you have more good moments or days than bad. Eventually can be a few weeks, a few months, or even a few years depending on your attachment and your level of pain.

Anyone who tell you to 'just move on' is really saying "Quit whining, I'm tired of hearing it" Anyone who's ever truly mourned would never say that.

Very sorry for your pain, and loss, I know nothing I've said can make you feel any better, but hopefully it helps you to know that in time you'll recover.
 notdating-forumsonly
Joined: 4/6/2012
Msg: 7
Collateral Damage
Posted: 1/21/2013 6:54:44 PM
If you liked this guy enough to be in a relationship you must feel that he's a decent guy. You'll need to trust that he can deal with any issues that his son may have in not having you around anymore, just as he saw him through his mother's death and all that he has done as his dad for 15 years.

When something like this ends, I'm simply practical about it and call it what it is. The relationship ended and I move forward. Maybe that's not something that will work for you but it beats sitting there dwelling on something that is not going to change.
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