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Marriage secret?Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
The new spouse may not even know that she has children
Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 3
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 10:22:56 AM
Same person that has no contact with their kids for 3 plus years gets married without telling them. Not your business or your concern anymore. You may not be questioning your ex's morals but you are feeling superior to them & letting your kids & us know about it.
Joined: 1/2/2013
Msg: 4
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 10:27:41 AM

"Same person that has no contact with their kids for 3 plus years gets married without telling them. Not your business or your concern anymore. You may not be questioning your ex's morals but you are feeling superior to them & letting your kids & us know about it."

Joined: 12/17/2012
Msg: 5
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 10:52:23 AM
And they are probably having sex toooo!!!!
Joined: 8/27/2011
Msg: 6
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 10:56:13 AM
If someone is estranged from their children, whatever the reason for that situation, why do you think they'd change their mind about it and update all at each significant life event? If they haven't spoke for 3.5 years, it's not going to be significant to the children, regardless of their age.

I think 'secret spouse' as you termed it, is rather a twist in the facts. It's more like not informing people who would have no interest in it and keeping any celebrations amongst those who care. Not every feels the need to inform the World of their every decision.
Joined: 1/14/2013
Msg: 7
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 11:01:17 AM
"Same person that has no contact with their kids for 3 plus years gets married without telling them. Not your business or your concern anymore. You may not be questioning your ex's morals but you are feeling superior to them & letting your kids & us know about it."

Absolutely. Marriages can be annuled by way of the spouse going out and not coming home for a long time. It's called "divorce on grounds of enstrangelment or abandonment" or something.

I wonder if the same thing can happen between parent and child -- the parent officially disowning the children via a default of not communicating with them for a long time. All legal responsibilities annulled. Sort of sitting Shiva without doing it.

Life is strange, but I am even stranger.
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 8
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 11:10:24 AM
Well...If my children are grown ups and have chosen not to speak with me in over 3 years.
It would probably be none of their business...imo.
Because you are my children....You still have to respect me.....the door swings both ways.
He probably knew....and was taking the lead from his woman.

My older sister went through this....She was married to her husband since 18...four kids.
She was married and faithful to her husband until he passed away...40+ years

She met a man within a the chagrin of 2 of her children(grown)....
It was too soon..they said...He is a good guy and they were being selfish....she tried to explain and he kept quiet..
She married him(small private)....without notifying any of her avoid a scene.
One still does not talk to her's been 6 years.
Just sad....that family dynamics....are not all the "Leave it Beaver" type.

Aren't you the guy....That admits to still being in love with your ex????

Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 11
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 11:41:07 AM
She was a bad wife...She is bad mother...why would you expect anything better from her?
It sounds like she may have found her soulmate...
I find it strange...That your question focused on being the bad guy

It does sound like your children have a better grasp of what's going on...than you do.
Sometimes we don't realize the reseilance young people can have...good for them!
Unfortunately....It is the norm nowadays to come from a broken home.
Maybe this will help you move on....
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 12
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 12:00:14 PM

And yes my kids have taken it WAY WAY better then I have.

This pretty much confirms my suspicion. You are more upset that she didn't inform YOU of her wedding and didn't invite you. You're using the kids as an excuse to express your disappointment for not being involved in your ex's life. Your opening post made it sound like your kids are little children who would be devastated if they found out from another source. If wasn't until later you said the kids are in their twenties.
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 13
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Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 12:07:31 PM
Yup. Everybody involved has no issue with the fact, except you.
Joined: 1/14/2013
Msg: 14
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 4:44:11 PM
"Maybe she was too drunk to remember she had gotten married... or maybe the marriage was annulled? OR, maybe she did tell the kids, who decided to keep it from YOU.

I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt."

Maybe she forgot you, EX mr. Husband. She is convinced that her present husband is her first, and the kids that she's had with you are some sort of distant cousins who call on her from time to time, but very strangely they don't bring bottles of boose for her.
Joined: 12/21/2012
Msg: 15
view profile
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 4:50:36 PM
a classic case of...does not want to deal with the spouse. all. So kids are suffering. You are likely someone she avoids to avoid confrontations.
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 16
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 7:28:04 PM
your ex took off and left her children? She MUST be on drugs. No mother could do that.The other man might not even know. I'd get her parental rights terminated immediatly. I have never been a secret spouse nor would i socialize with one who would, I value myself a wee bit more than that..
Joined: 10/22/2011
Msg: 17
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 7:45:44 PM
Yes, I do know someone else who did that. My ex husband got married without telling or inviting our (his) kids .

The kids are older now and they've said they have a slight resentment towards him for that event. It follows a scenario where they believe he never really loved them/wanted much to do with them.
Some people remain consistent, I guess.
I'm actually kinda of relieved to hear other stories like this - I'm sorry they happened, of course, but it makes me feel a tad better, like my kids weren't the only ones.
Joined: 4/17/2012
Msg: 18
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 8:55:01 PM
Sorry I missed the part about the children being adults,how do you get those cute emicolons to appear?
Joined: 7/27/2012
Msg: 19
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/22/2013 10:33:55 PM
Strange world we live in. She doesn't much value the relationship with her children if it's been 3.5 years that she has spoken to them. That right there should tell you everything you need to know about the woman. A lot of men have secrets. Married with a mistress comes to mind? Perhaps this man didn't know she had kids? Perhaps they both really don't care about anyone but themselves. Maybe he doesn't see himself as a dirty little secret. We don't know the answer to that, they do.

But this is what I do know: I find it very sad when I hear that parents have become estranged to their children. What a loss that is for everyone involved.
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 20
view profile
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/23/2013 12:33:50 PM
OP, the first problem for your wife and kids is they haven't seen each other for 3.5 years, its also the 2nd, 3rd and 4th.-maybe you are the 5th, 6th and 7th problem. Are you doing anything to make a meet-up possible,.. Have you made simple arrangements for the kids to visit uncles/aunts on her side so she can discretely and painlessly drop in? Have you freed time and resources so the kids can travel, or instead is their a busy universe of complexity, deadheads and minefields stretched out before even the most fervent attempts they might make to reconnect?

Your ex has no secret. Her relationship status is not your concern - you expect her to have one, or two, or complexities - people should have relationship. It makes them healthy. Spying on those and using them as fodder to plow negativity back into the gaping craws of naive and impressionable children is a habitual obscene nuttieness. Too many singles are drawn to that. Don't. Get off the internet searching for her junk. Stay out of the panty drawer. Its not yours anymore.

I don't mean to plow nastiness back as you're clearly asking the question in good faith. I don't mean to be well-- mean. Spying bothers me.
Joined: 12/28/2012
Msg: 21
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/23/2013 1:36:40 PM
TMI gathering on EX = Creepy
Get Over it.
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 22
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/23/2013 2:38:21 PM
nubeginnings64 once again you've got it spot on

"it's not your business or your concern anymore"
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 24
view profile
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/23/2013 3:14:36 PM
I read some of your history Bond, feel for you. Hard when we can't get past something in our lives. 12 years is a long time, maybe time to talk to someone?
On topic, if a mother hasn't talked to her children in over 3 years I'm not surprised she would get married without telling them.
I agree that this is more about you finding out online and being upset than the actual topic posted. Maybe her new husband doesn't want to rock the boat. Maybe he knows she isn't in contact with them and feels its her business? Maybe you should force yourself to think of something else immediately upon thinking of her.
You mention your ex is a number of posts, she's been your ex for 12 years and shouldn't be a priority in your life anymore. What is it about her that made you feel like a whole person when with her and worthless without her?
Edit-Just read your reply. Not condemning you for loving her but hoping you see the damage it's doing. To sooner be dead than be without her after this long is not healing, you need to heal.
Joined: 9/12/2010
Msg: 25
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/23/2013 3:37:06 PM
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference...

@BondGold...I am not religious but this just seems to be so fitting...right now. you open yourself up for this critisism and keep posting things then??
You know there are regulars that remember your previous posts and people can view your history.
Do you like the attention?? OR do you only want people to sympathize with you?
Not judging....asking...why??

You keep talking about "what" you lost...the unit of marriage etc...
I will tell first husband was abusive and when I finally got the nerve to children were relieved....I only wish I had done it sooner.
I met a wonderful man...who treated me with respect and love and he accepted my children as his own....they loved him back....the unit was now whole as it should\ve been.
I will tell you....Your children would feel so much better if they knew you were happy...
But....You seem to like being the martyr...imo.
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 27
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/23/2013 3:57:40 PM
I felt sorry for him unil one day he had made a post and it was so bad that lasted about 15 minutes. It was filled with very harsh and terrible rants of how he felt about the women on here. He was referring to ladies on here as compared to a junk used car. Who was judging then Bondgold?

I feel for your ex of what she must have went through with you. She is the lucky one that got away from someone who seems very toxic. I wish her well.
Joined: 1/10/2009
Msg: 28
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/23/2013 5:42:57 PM
you were divoced for a reason. arent you suppose to enjoy your freedom? let the kids have their own opinion .
Joined: 12/9/2006
Msg: 29
view profile
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/24/2013 11:30:37 AM
If my children were adults and I was divorced from their father, I would consider his personal life none of my business.
Not sure why you felt obligated to take an existing wound and add salt to it. Your children are old enough to do their own sleuthing and then decide if they want to look up dear old Mom they are well withing their rights to do so and they may not even tell you. It appears to me that you are far too interested in making your Ex wife look bad.

My children are teenagers and I don't share the information I've learned about their Dad since our divorce. I occasionally hear things from his friends and old co-workers but it is not my job to tell my kids when their father does something wrong or stupid. I'd prefer not to hear it myself.

You've been divorced 12 years, you and your Ex are not the same people you were back then. Please consider getting some therapy because it is not normal to not move past a divorce, you deserve love in your life.
Joined: 1/11/2013
Msg: 30
Marriage secret?
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:52:36 PM
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