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Show ALL Forums  > Dating and Love Advice  > Houdini!      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 CastObserver
Joined: 1/31/2012
Msg: 2
Houdini!Page 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Phoenix.
Same thread back again from the ashes of the first time. We know it hurts to be dumped, especially from Facebook friends, where his other girlfriend saw your picture.

Defriend him for all to see, thatll teach him.
 IgorFrankensteen
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
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History
Houdini!
Posted: 1/23/2013 4:34:21 AM
I disagree with what's been posted so far.

The only facts presented, are that he suddenly shut down and refused to communicate.

Three basic possibilities come to mind:

1. He's that kind of person. Emotionally fitful, and too wrapped up in himself to consider other's feelings.

2. He has someone else, who discovered he's been philandering.

3. Since you are coworkers, his superior warned him that he would be fired if he failed to adhere to company policy, in a manner that he thought made it impossible to even let you know.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 6
Houdini!
Posted: 1/23/2013 7:03:59 AM

We slept together and a week later, on a Saturday, he completely disappeared.

He didn't dig your moves in bed.
 lovefun99
Joined: 6/14/2010
Msg: 7
Houdini!
Posted: 1/23/2013 8:08:22 AM
He felt that you guys weren't sexually compatible or he just pulled a hump and dump, got into your pants by disarming you with the "let's don't rush having sex" line.
 Maleman999
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 9
Houdini!
Posted: 1/23/2013 9:24:41 AM

All the other break ups I've had hurt but this one's hurt at a way different level because I dont know what happened!


If you have a history of break-ups, the one common denominator is you. If you don't know what happened, how can any fishies here know? You didn't provide any useful details other than time lines as to when you met and didn't meet. Only you and the guy know what was said, what wasn't said, etc.

"I had somewhat vented on FB and then a few hours later, he decided to block and delete me."
I'm guessing "somewhat vented" means you were having a melt down and a b1tchfest on FB. If you came off looking like a psycho, it's little wonder why he blocked and deleted you.
 woobytoodsday
Joined: 12/13/2006
Msg: 10
Houdini!
Posted: 1/23/2013 9:26:13 AM
He said, "Difficult." Three days later you ended it. I've waited longer after being stood up, lol! The world is constructed so that we're always operating without enough information. I've sweated bullets over a love with health issues, going far enough to start calling emergency wards, and it was just that he'd met a long lost buddy and was having a goodle time. Thing is, and it's good to remember: It's NEVER about YOU.

Prolly be a good thing to remove the anti-drunk rant from your profile: it hints of professional victim. . . And will bring everyone of 'um in your neighborhood to your door.

Wait a little, grow a little, get more interesting. It'll pass. And good luck.
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 11
Houdini!
Posted: 1/23/2013 9:35:50 AM
Prolly be a good thing to remove the anti-drunk rant from your profile: it hints of professional victim. . . And will bring everyone of 'um in your neighborhood to your door.

Wooby's def right about that.
Any time someone has no ______ (players, derelicts, etc.), all it really accomplishes is advertising to the potential derelicts that you lack any kind of ability to process/ eliminate them on your own. Therefore, the "filter" becomes the magnet.
What you fear will appear.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 15
Houdini!
Posted: 1/23/2013 10:51:10 AM

He didnt want to sleep with me right off the bat and kept saying that he wanted a relationship with me. We slept together and a week later, on a Saturday, he completely disappeared.

Could have been sexually related. Maybe not meshing sexually? I dunno. If you guys went from 1st base directly to home plate, I could see that being more likely it was at least somewhat sexually related.

What's odd is that a guy (or girl) will do a disappearance during the 1st-3rd dates if sex is had quickly then. But when introducing the girl to the family, setting FB status to being in a relationship -- that's actually very uncommon to disappear after sex when all that's been had. Just remember that when it comes to assessing situations with guys in the future -- it's NOT common.

The reason it hurts is because it was sudden, with no questions answered, and totally unresolved. That's when breakups HURT past the initial stage and eat away at ya. But just remind yourself -- them not answering/resolving things like a basic semi-decent person would -- it just shows that they're messed up. Seriously. It's not you -- it's them. Physicality didn't happen "too quick" because it was on pace with everything else (announcing bf/gf, meeting family). His mental state obviously dropped of interest -- due to an ex coming back into the picture a bit, another co-worker in his own building he liked and suddenly was macking on him, him already "obtaining" you, as he only loves the chase & butterflies, him being a person about sex having to be "mind blowing" and of the time(s) it not being so, threw him off? Or a bit of many things. Who knows. WHO CARES? How he handled it in the end shows he's a wackjob. It sucks.

Don't try and "find out" what happened. Learn to deal with unresolved issues. It hurts. It sucks. But do you really think he's going to tell you the truth, especially now? No. It's probably only going to beg other questions and partially scratch your itch. Just chalk it up to the Truth that he's just messed up -- and no, things didn't work out. Better now than it being months later!
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 16
Houdini!
Posted: 1/23/2013 4:35:03 PM

I've had hurt but this one's hurt at a way different level because I dont know what happened! Help!


Would this be "almost" a whole month invested???? That's like 4 weeks. A couple of nights spent together, a family meet, some texting and calls. And then,sex.

Now he's gone. And you don't "know" what happened????


Really?????

Come on.
 funny4uwannatry
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 20
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History
Houdini!
Posted: 1/24/2013 8:12:57 AM
What you have there is a commitment phobic or a what is cleverly know as an a**clown. Look it up on the internet. It great reading. They are in a hurry to catch you and woo you, then they play the push me pulley game for all eternity. Run like the wind from people like this. You will spend the rest of your time trying to find that imaginary person you met and fell for.. He does not exist.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 21
Houdini!
Posted: 1/24/2013 10:11:14 AM
Sorry kiddo, but you ran into a player. They feed you what you need and you'll never know why they disappear because no, they don't respect you enough to let you know why.

I wouldn't say he's a player. An actual player wouldn't put on FB 'relationship' and bring a girl to his family, to merely get in her pants. A player is going to keep a girl from any actual serious indicators because they don't want a GF or anything too close to it. A player is only going to do that in the moment to 'snag' her in the moment, more or less. So hers is pretty uncommon in that regard. A guy who wasn't a player but disappeared like that. Just because one disappears doesn't mean they're a player -- if not some wackness that is had by the girl, he'll have some underlining issues once everything settles in and bolt.

Thinking a situation like this means he's a player will inaccurately set a girl into a frenzy & paranoia about sex. Thinking that he left her because "he got it" and that's all he was chasing. In those cases where that's all he's after, the guy's not going to 'chase' the girl for very long, and he's not going to take action to swing things into relationship. He'd have to genuinely like her for that.

If there was any relation to sex about it for him, it wouldn't be about the sex directly unless he noticed something really wack about her when it came to sex (really bad bad sex, tons of 'Catholic guilt', wacked out 'down there', etc). If none of that was an issue, it was probably that he "got her" as a GF, all around and he went into "now what?" mode which made him lose interest. People can be like that. That's not a player -- some girls can be like that too. Instead of chasing sex, they're chasing to 'get' the guy or girl, all around (which yes, usually includes but is not limited to sex). Once they have the person, they get bored and their desires cease. The butterflies & anticipation is gone. This doesn't happen very often when things play out like they did with them two -- but some people can be out in left field which he may have been.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 22
Houdini!
Posted: 1/24/2013 1:14:47 PM
I'm guessing "somewhat vented" means you were having a melt down and a b1tchfest on FB. If you came off looking like a psycho, it's little wonder why he blocked and deleted you.

Yeah, but that was after the fact. That was after the relationship-in-the-making melted down. That IS the reason he blocked & deleted her yes, but in the end -- what did she have to lose in regards to him? He already bolted.

I'm sorry but I was exhausted just reading it, and was thinking "this would be waaaay too much for me to want to deal with in a new relationship".

Yeah, but the relationship was over with already though. The only harm of her "going off", publicly, on FB would be making a bit of an arse out of herself. But it was already & done with, with him. That's WHY she went off. :)

I was left from your post getting the impression that you were getting yourself all het-up over what might simply be nothing in the end, reacting emotionally with no calm-down-and-think-rationally period in there anywhere.

Not my impression, and it'd be way too weird to say that his cut-off of communication is even remotely close to normal. It totally sounds like he was doing the standard "busy" thing, non-talkative, saying one thing "difficult", then shutting off afterward. That's more than just a 'sign' that things are headed badly... as he bolted right after. She wasn't all up in his grill if she waited for many days and still no response from him. He was on the outs and didn't have the ballz to talk to her about it... then she set herself as "Single", then she noticed he did, THEN when it's dead in the water -- she went off.

Again, she "reacted" on FB after things were dead... so she didn't "ruin" anything by that.
 LG2727
Joined: 1/20/2010
Msg: 23
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Houdini!
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:22:30 PM
yikes, 26 and treated like s*** by a man, whats the world coming too? This is pretty common place in man world, they could care less, you just werent that important to him, he got what he wanted and you were suddenly history...go figure? and they wonder why we are all so jaded? Never let them see that you were affected by this, its what they live for, he's not worth your tears or another minute of your life. Just remember, they cant hurt you unless you give them that power. So, he was staring? so what? let him stare, he had his chance. Please believe you are worth more then this loser, take pride and have some self esteem.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 25
Houdini!
Posted: 1/25/2013 12:07:59 PM

You make good points and, I hate to say it's a "generation thing" because you and I aren't *that* much different in age.

I don't think it's a generation thing, though. Texting & facebooking have nothing to do with it, really.

if it were someone I was really interested in, then yes, I'd find four days to be too long to go incommunicado as well, and already stated I would never disappear I'd hope like that. But...OP still doesn't really know what "difficult" meant, no?

Difficult obviously meant still being in the relationship of sorts. There's no excuse. He did a puzzy thing to run away, it's pretty simple. What the reason behind the reason of him losing interest -- who cares? He had interest and it went away.

And here's the thing: If say you and a guy you're dating, who introduced you to his family, set his relationship status for his friends & family as being in a relationship with you -- chit-chat (text/phone/email/IM/etc) every day... where he's expressive, talkative, etc... But then suddenly he seems distant and when asked what's up he says "Difficult" and that's it... and then when you ask why/what's wrong -- he never responds for 4 days -- there's no weasling out of that. There's not "OOOOHHHH, that make sense! Not a problem!" reason for it. He refused to talk to her. That's not a generational thing. A generational thing would be a more common means vs another -- but that's moot. Anyway, point being that when communication sharply goes downhill compared to what it solidly was before -- they lost interest -- regardless of what method of communication they frequent.

I guess the part that made me wonder was, why all the texting and facebooking? Seems rather "neener-neener" and juvenile to me.

The "facebook" thing is a red herring, tho. Their relationship wasn't FB. They made it public it to friends & family on FB. And actually, although I'm not a FB fan, FB gets a lot of "old fogies" on there who enjoy it a bit too much to share pictures of their kids, track their kids, keep in touch with relatives out of state, etc. It's not a teeny-bopper thing. We're not in 2004 anymore. :)

Anyway, the FB thing has nothing to do with how good or bad their relationship was. She just vented on FB after it ended.

If this were a true relationship or beginning of such....why not just phone, or go over to make sure someone was actually okay?

He was refusing to communicate. Yes, advice would be to call him when he wouldn't respond to the text, to press it even more. She probably texted him again during that period and no response. Him sending a text back is easier than a phone call (especially when it comes to awkward things) and he wouldn't even do that, which he is accustomed to.

Don't get me wrong; I'd just simply lose interest in a new man who ceased communication with me like that, if he didn't have a good explanation for such.

Not just that -- but refuse to give you the explanation when asked -- and disappear in communication altogether.

But would I do a public meltdown?

No, that's not wise. But again, the relationship already ended. It was done. Finito. That's just another chapter -- she going off on FB is basically just giving him ammo to not regret being a heartless jacka$$. When someone treats you like sh!t, going off emotionally, even non-publicly, is going to give that person what they want -- a retro-active (but false) "reason" to have disappeared. But again -- the relationship was already over. The guy wouldn't communicate with her. Fine, fck it -- go off on him -- but yes, don't do it that gives him (false but usable) ammo to erase regrets.

Why didn't the OP simply pick up the phone and call this man, or (if they were in a relationship) head over to his house to see if he was okay?

Going over to his house would maybe be stalkerish. Refusing to text someone back for a long time when it comes to something important, is the same as not picking up the phone. When someone's Refusing to communicate back to you, you don't want to ante-up the level of communication too much... but yes, giving him a call, even though he'd likely not answer or if so would have to go quick, would at least give her more peace of mind of "Hey, I did everything I could to reach out to you without smothering you".

Bottom line is: If he was interested, he would have communicated back, especially on something rather important. She reached out to him in THEIR common form of communication which IS had by people in their 20s, 30s, and 40s...and he refused. Case closed. THEN she went off after the writing was on the wall -- she wasn't wise to do that in a (virtual) public square, but that has to do with an aftermath of relationship -- not for any hope of saving or mending one.
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 26
Houdini!
Posted: 1/25/2013 4:55:07 PM
See, that's where I got curious a bit, wondering exactly what the 'relationship' WAS, exactly. Sure, different folks have different communication styles, some prefer texting, some prefer facebooking, some prefer more personal styles, etcetc.

But I think that's a whole other topic apart from her situation, though. Whether you use regularly text or IM through your smart phone most of the time and talk less live on the phone is a taste issue and that surely wasn't an issue at all here, nor what it was about. It has nothing to do with the "type" of relationship. It was neither a text relationship or a phone relationship - lol. Who cares what form they more frequently use? That doesn't imply anything about a relationship. They were dating. She met his family.

I'd probably just write him off at that point, or at least wait to hear his explanation for such, but yep, it'd have to be a damned good explanation.

Well it was past the "getting to know you phase", so yeah, it's Really not appropriate to just disappear. The thing about text though (for those who have it and have demonstrated using it with their SO) -- one has very little wiggle room for the "busy" excuse of not communicating. It's so easy. You can't say "I've been so busy the past 48 hours I couldn't text you back." Really? Takes seconds, and that's a BS answer if they even do text on a minimal basis. It's GOOD for when you're busy. You can at least give someone a whats-up and not leave them hanging when you can't really correspond with them hardly. 4 days when the other person's left hanging? Thing is -- there IS NO good explanation that exists, except what's self-evident. He suddenly, for some mysterious reason, wasn't interested -- and didn't want to say anything about it. Low blow. Low blow.

Huh? I must be tired, because I'm still wondering exactly what the relationship did entail.

Their relationship did not reside on, nor rely on facebook. At all. It has nothing to do with what it entailed. People who use facebook a decent amount will put their status as in a relationship when they're going out with someone. It's a pretty simple concept. It just lets it be "known" (ie official) you're together. It doesn't mean you're in a "FB" relationship. It's the same as you having your own home page and saying you're in a relationship. That's it.

See, this I don't get. Granted, the relationship was fairly new, I believe maybe a month/month and a half, from the gist of the O-Post? But if they "made such declarations on FB" and she met his family and all that...

It wasn't at the serious level though. It wasn't an established relationship -- it was new. Not stalkerish per se, but when they're a new gf/bf, it's more like "psycho" (in the mind of the other person). They weren't meshing lives yet. If your new bf isn't going to reply to your texts or emails, it kind of speaks for itself. Going over there to confront them would be kind of bold.

I just don't get it. Was it a real relationship or just a FB one?

LOL - what do you mean by a "FB relationship"? This whole concept isn't about facebook or generations. It was a real relationship in its beginning. But you have your space. You're not like a married couple nor are you meshing lives yet. Storming over to their place after days of refusing to answer, it having been a new relationship-in-the-making... would again be a bit too bold in many people's eyes. Not all! But it's not like she blew "her chance" by not doing that. :)

I'd likely have given the guy the benefit of the doubt, rather than sitting there getting het-up over the space of a few days.

But if you agree to this:

Bottom line is: If he was interested, he would have communicated back, especially on something rather important.

Which you said you did, then you wouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt, as you'd know he wasn't interested (and every right to be pissed; that's just cold to do when you're actually dating). Also, there is no benefit of the doubt to be had. He was wiggling away and then disappeared! You realize people do that, right? :) Happens usually when you're still in the getting-to-kn0w-ya phase, and less often in a more serious phase when you've already started becoming a couple.

I think you may be assuming that if he did that there HAD to be something else there! Maybe. But these wack things DO happen, unfortunately -- and many times when there's nothing of much relevance that would contribute to it on "their side" (besides their own personal tastes changing and the 'why' -- which again, he refused to tell her even in a basic watered down way).

Meltdowns are never pleasant and, in my experience, rarely come out of nowhere so...maybe we haven't heard both sides yet?

The Meltdown didn't occur until after it was knowingly over. It had nothing to do with the breaking up! It had to do with the POST-breakup. Big Difference. But yes, I agree -- they don't come from nowhere. The guy disappeared on her! WTF, right? It doesn't take a girl or guy to be a psycho to make the person disappear -- all it takes is something to make them lose their interest, and he wasn't letting her know. Him not letting her know, let alone communicate at all, ruins any credibility he'd have for "his side", ya know?

I don't think one needs to be concerned about what "kind" of new relationship it was. It was a new relationship -- nothing indicates that it wasn't anything different. Just because people post that they're in one on FB, or post their happiness & sorrows on FB for their friends & family to see, doesn't indicate at all that they have some virtual relationship or virtual kids that they write about. :)
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 34
Houdini!
Posted: 1/26/2013 10:37:40 AM
Alls I said on FB was this: "It feels like I've wasted a lot of time just to be treated like I'm of no importance whatsoever." ... I guess the reason why I vented on FB was because I was desperately trying to illicit SOME type of response from him.

Well that's not venting. :) That's just expressing one statement. But If that's ALL you did on FB or elsewhere in terms of "venting", good for you. You didn't fall into the trap which some people will do after they're hurt with confusion & WTF feelings -- going off & venting an outpour of frustrated emotion ... the other person many times will use that for peace of mind thinking "See? I was just running away from that!" -- which is a sad attempt at logic... but ya still don't want the other person to feel good w/o regrets.

I talked to another gal that went on a date with him and she advised that he did the same thing to her but it was after only one date. She's a pretty girl and has a pretty good personality too so I really honestly think that he's done this type of thing to a lot of other women, only difference is that I got further than most others.

Well, I'll be fair here: If a guy disappears after a 1st date w/ no communication, and that girl isn't tied to his family, work, or social group(s), it's rude -- but not a big deal. It's what the dating world's going to give you when it comes to people who "don't like confrontation". And to some degree, you'll get some of that from decent good people...

But you getting to the point of becoming a couple, that's where it's on a different plane, and certainly is a big deal. He doesn't understand that it is... in his mind he protects himself by giving himself excuses and poor reasoning that it's much the same as if you got a new girl's # but never called. How can one convince themselves that it's merely on the level of that? They've got problems. If he has health issues, kids, or any sizable life situations he's dealing with -- that's usually enough of "reason" to make it okay in their mind. He's pretty f'd up, really. Even though your situation IS uncommon, getting to the point of becoming a couple when the other disappears, it happens out there sometimes -- and you just learn from it without bringing ya down!
 funny4uwannatry
Joined: 12/27/2011
Msg: 36
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History
Houdini!
Posted: 1/27/2013 9:09:08 AM
Kristen: Sometimes we will never know why anyone does anything, male or female. I understand your need to vent, after a few times, you begin to wonder about your own sanity. What i have learned in forums, take what you need, laugh at the witty humor and move forward. Its time to focus on what you know is right for you and let him go. Holding on to anger only hurts you, not him. You deserve better.
 ManhHeartLove
Joined: 10/20/2012
Msg: 39
Houdini!
Posted: 2/3/2013 8:50:28 AM
life has reasons way bigger then all of us here a guessing game leads to more guesses so best advice is smile and glow and still carry your sweet nice loving thoughts daily till you do find that special dear one who will move your sweet nice loving heart and soul..
 Deadliest_Snatch
Joined: 10/25/2012
Msg: 40
Houdini!
Posted: 2/3/2013 8:58:17 AM

Well you see, I was raised to know that people talk and a lot of the time what people say isnt entirely true.


If that's the case, OP, why not apply your insight to your OWN posts on facebook?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 42
Houdini!
Posted: 2/3/2013 10:55:39 PM

He dissapears off the face of the earth after you have gone out awhile. Yeah it would be nice to be told, hey I don't want to see you anymore....a little less childish than running off with tail between the legs not saying anything!

Yeah, it happens after a number of dates... but from my experience (first and second-hand), you can usually pick up on it, so it isn't shocking (but still rude & sometimes somewhat surprising).

But in the OP's case, he was getting all serious and making bold moves in the relationship had between them making a real Relationship -- then bolted. Even if one's going to sugar-coat things usually with some level of BS (being "busy", etc), when one's at least explanatory being busy doing other stuff, it at least takes most of the surprise factor out of it... but of course, even doing that when you're starting a Relationship is really wrong. That should be held when you've just been dealing with the initial dating phase in the "pre-season" of sorts (during/right after a handful of dates). WANTING to go actual Relationship and doing so, then not just doing that but disappearing -- I say that's pretty uncommon (but does happen I guess).
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