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 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 1
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need directionPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
I'm going to check out options for counselling but lack of funds hasn't made it very easy for me to go seek advice anywhere. I'm looking for honest opinions and thoughts and words of advice. And for those of you keen to berate and make nasty comments please refrain from doing so...ie your candid thoughts on the situation are very much welcomed but just coming out with nasty insults for the sake of it, isn't. Ps I'm not on here cheating on my boyfriend...I'm here purely for the sake of seeking your advice and NOT for anything related to seeking out guys here!

My head is so messed up tonight and I'm not even sure why!! I cried and cried and cried in the car and then in the shower. I feel down the last week and have been unable to pinpoint the exact cause and yet perhaps it's obvious but I honestly don't see it right now....I have notions but no concrete answer coming back to me.

So the important facts are that I've had several failed relationships. But each once thankfully has gotten better each time. I started off as a teenager with a criminal boyfriend who was sleeping with another girl at the same time, then I married a guy who emotionally abused me (and cheated on me for a year at least with explicit emails and possibly a meeting with this girl)...we were together 4 years and married and divorced within one year ie our last year obviously. Then there was a guy who was lovely for 2 months but then his true character shone. We both tried to make it work but he was a stoner and the relationship was a disaster and when I discovered he had cheated on me on a work trip abroad I ended it. Finally onto better pastures: A very good man but I only ever felt we were friends rather than lovers. Then more recently I met a man who was my lecturer in college ...for a few years I saw him around, there was always the spark but I never acted on it and neither did he. Towards the end of my degree and when he was no longer my lecturer by 2 years, (I was late 20s already at this stage) I caved and asked him out and so we wound up together for 3 years until the summer of 2012. Everything was perfect, we were best friends, understood each other and looked after each other, except that he spent the 3 years always feeling that he wasn't at peace, something was missing (which left me always feeling like I could lose him at any minute) but he could never say what the problem was ie he didn't know what the problem was (all his friend's think he's an idiot) so in the summer I forced his hand to give an answer and the answer was no to us being together longterm.....2 or 3 months later a good friend of mine whom I've known for nearly 5 years now made a pass, he had always been interested in me for more than a friend but respected the fact that I was in a relationship previously....with a window of opportunity with this serial monogamist, he seized his chance and we are together 5 months today! He's incredibly sweet and caring and makes me laugh. He's a real gentleman and a sweetheart and yet very manly at the same time in a good way.

BUT? But I get scared and I can't figure my own head out...I don't know if I'm being unreasonable with my boyfriend, or if I have a point or perhap's I've moved too fast and not dealt with things...yet what option did I have? My ex didn't want me and I chose to move on. Yes I love my boyfriend dearly...BUT ...it all got sparked off this time when we spent a wonderful christmas together...we went away for a week and got very very close indeed. We looked lovingly into each others eyes, we shared lovely moments, we met some of my friends and extended family and he really laid it on about how he wants to spend his life with me, he wants to get married to me, he wants to have children etc. I find all of this wonderful to finally have a forward thinking man in my life!! I get frustrated though because we came home, he kept talking of his desire to write and yet sat and chilled out more....we knew since before christmas that he had a job coming up (he's a freelancer)....so finally he speaks to the guy about the job and because it's already midweek, my boyfriend decides that if he's only getting paid for the two weeks he won't start til the monday. He was aware of this potential job in December and I saw it coming already then that it would clash with my birthday on Tuesday (the job was about 200 miles away). When he spoke to the guy and said he wouldn't start til monday I tried to politely ask if he'd be starting any of the job that week -in my head I knew it would cause stress and a major headache around the date of my birthday (no I'm not so self centered that it's all about me and my birthday but I did really want him there for the special day). My fears came true: he was sweet enough to come up and down twice to celebrate with my friends at the weekend and on Tuesday with my family but I strongly feel that given that he sat around the week before, had he taken into account that he knew this stuff was coming up and started the week previously when he was on the phone to the guy he wouldn't have had to do as much of the long days he's doing now and he could have avoided a lot of the tooing and frooing -it stresses me to feel like I'm putting pressure on him to come up and down all the time.

Tonight he was due to be back down with me and then sent me a message in the early afternoon that he was staying up for the work....I lost my cool because he keeps telling me how he wants to be with me every day and sleep with me every night etc etc but then I feel like in his actions he kind of picks and chooses to suit himself....he's so insistant to not work more days than he's paid for that he'd rather do 5 long stressfull days than 10 more normal days those allowing himself more room to also write (one of his dreams) and more time for the two of us....

What's worthwhile noting is that he tends to be a bit ad hoc and changing things last minute and arriving an hour late or two hours late....I'm not exactly miss punctionality myself but I'll still with agreed plans...he doesn't and I find that rather stressful.

I tried to convey my concerns today and he made the point about the effort he made to be there for both occasions (which is very true and very valid), he said he refuses to work for days he isn't being paid. I feel like if he wants to settle down with me I'd go nuts if I thought that on such principle he'd rather have 5 intense days where he's exhausted and doesn't see me than 10 more normal days where he can take things a bit more easy and we also get to see each other.......I feel like he's contradicting his whole notion of wanting to spend every day with me....

Lastly...sorry for the rambling...if I push it a bit...eg tonight 3 text messages on the topic making my point -I try to be polite and considerate whilst remaining firm in my opinion....(but also taking on board the other person's point), he shuts me down....he basically said "he was going to bed night"....that concerns me...

Ok enough rambling.....I hope ye see something that I don't...any advice appreciated. Am I being over the top? Am I overly sensitive due to past experiences? Do I have a point? Thanks in advance people :) xx
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 2
Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 4:37:14 PM
You seem to be dating a writer.

If you wanted a different type of guy....
you should date a different type of guy.

As the one you got.....treats you better than guys past.....
maybe be flexible as to his job, goals and aspirations.

As long as he HAS a job....
you should stay out of it.
Do Not tell him how to work it.
That is crossing the line into naggery.

Dry your tears.
This all minor stuff.
Just chill.
Date the writer
work around his idiosyncrasies.
and enjoy the process.

good luck.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 3
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 4:43:08 PM
OMG, to be so young.... sorry anyhow,

He's a writer... Do some research on the topic on how, why, what writers will do.

A professor told me once you have to write to learn to write. The more a writer writes the better they become at it.

Look,

The bottom line is you miss him. Find something to do with your time, and stop hanging onto a relationship as if it's your sole purpose for living.

What do you like to do?

Let him be and stop this crying over nothing. He likes you a lot, he just has other things in his profession that is taking more from him. Don't you see that he is working toward success? Chill out.

Like I said, find something to do besides missing him.
Good luck, and smile!
Jan
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 4
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 4:45:40 PM
Lol yes dating a writer of sorts....well that's his dream and goal more than his current occupation which is in a similar field....

Yes I'm concerned that I am getting too close to the line of getting into naggery which I don't want to do....yet I feel terribly conflicted with all this ad hoc stuff and all these sweet words of how he wants to be with me everyday which whilst I know he loves me a lot and wants to be with me for the rest of his life, this being together everyday stuff seems to me like BS for I can't help but think otherwise he wouldn't be so much at ease with the prospect of a possible 4 days apart here and demanding other days apart here and there solely for his own personal space....

A key point in all of this is we're not dating anymore....I would have been ok with that...but he keeps telling me how serious this is and how we're going to live together and get married and have kids....I then get suckered into that and I find myself falling deep and suddenly he's off on some job with the odd text here and there and I'm left going "I can't do hot and cold!!"
 Stray__Cat
Joined: 7/12/2006
Msg: 5
Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 4:53:53 PM
So you dumped him????

I think maybe because past boyfriends cheated on you...
you are abit insecure and clingy as to this one.
(very understandable)
To be away 4 days to work is not hot and cold.
It is a JOB!

It is your fears and past dating pain that is clouding your lens.
Let that go....
See things as they are....
and everything will be fine.

No present guy....
should pay for the sins of your past ones.
Capishe?
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 6
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 4:54:55 PM
Lucky -i don't get you?

Jan -Well he wants to be a writer but currently earns his bread and butter working on other projects.

I'm actually incredibly active...I'm studying at the moment, I teach on top of that and I do a lot of sports but I will always set time aside to spend with my boyfriend whereas I feel he does everything ad hoc, changes plans last minute and doesn't plan ahead to ensure we have time together...instead we were away together it was lovely, then we came back, I had to study and he sat around and then suddenly it was all panic and rush rush so he has to change plans tonight can't see me and it's all been stress and chaos over the last 2 weeks and he's exhausted and I wind up feeling bad for trying to get time with him!

I do worry though, am I hanging too much on the relationship and yet again he's the one who's all talk of this being ultra serious so in my books that's what couples do -their lives, once together do tend to merge to a certain degree....sure you're always an individual but your life does kind of revolve around the other person whilst trying to follow your own pursuits....

Again: I can't do hot and cold....when we're together it's amazing but when he's away it feels more like we're a couple who's just dating and I should just suck it up and get on with things...but he talks like we're already married and I find myself getting very deep into it emotionally....I can't do hot and cold...so my other option is to withdraw emotionally a bit which is not nice either :(
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 7
Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 4:59:12 PM
Simple as it gets, quite dating till ya figure "it" out. And it sounds like,from your own words, you have a few "its" to figure out. Not nasty. Not mean. Just the reality of it all. And really, you should already know this if you can actually "look back" and "see". It's time for THAT,not "dating".
 daneil912
Joined: 3/8/2009
Msg: 8
Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 4:59:13 PM
you said :

but he talks like we're already married and I find myself getting very deep into it emotionally....I can't do hot and cold...so my other option is to withdraw emotionally a bit which is not nice either :(

no another option is to accept that he isnt a planner and does things ad hoc

just go with the flow

relax

he likes you you like him
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 9
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 5:00:31 PM
Stray cat you make very valid points and in fact touch on my fears....I do not want to nag him, make him pay for sins of past relationship or anything along those lines and yes it does play on my mind. And I worry on days like today how much is my fear of past relationships clouding my judgement...I don't know....

Sure 4 days is not so bad...but my issue is not that's he away 4 days...if it has to be then it has to be....my issue is that he claims he wants me around every day yet when he had the time prior to the job officially starting he didn't use it and then suddenly he was effectively telling me he wouldn't see me for 4 days because he had to do this job and write (that's his own ambitions which he didn't follow for 4 weeks prior to this sudden panic!)....It just feels like a contradiction to me...I'm tempted to ask him kindly not to say such things anymore ie re wanting to have me around him every day because when he has control of his own work situation and life, he doesn't use that control to make it so....thus actions do not reflect words.....and I worry that were it not for me planning my stuff around his (and anyone who knows me knows I am darn busy) that perhaps I would not see him for the entirety of this job for he does everything so ad hoc!
 domainfullduplex100
Joined: 12/21/2012
Msg: 10
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 5:03:09 PM
not being critical..I think at the bottom of it..you aren't a happy person. You are looking at your BF to be the answer to how your universe revolves. He, being a man in love wants to spend time with you in your early formative connections. So he postpones his freelance activity for later whiles with you. He obviously not a military, corporate type but a writer. A freelance writer at that..
I think he is happy...I am not sure about you
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 11
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 5:08:20 PM
Jlizzy,

Shake yourself. It will be ok.

Chill out.

You two aren't living together I take it. You did break up with him because of the hot and cold? You still call him your boyfriend thou.... hum.

You can't have it all your way, relationships don't work like that, sorry.

I'm sorry, but you're cute and funny. You are so young in your mind. Do you love him? Do you really love him?

He talks of marriage a lot, but yet you are running like a faucet.

Maybe you should call him, and tell him that you're sorry for acting so selfish and only think of what "you" want...

I am being honest, i'm not trying to be cruel.

Just call him.

Make up.

After that you both should stop talking about marriage because right now you both have too much on your plates.

Take it a day at a time.

and

When you don't see him don't let your mind ramble and don't talk yourself into confusion. Be happy that he likes you so much that he has even considered talking about marriage. If you stop with it, maybe someday he will really ask you to marry him.

In the meantime, be nice to yourself and to him. Talk to him and see him when you can, and that should be enough for right now.

Take Care Llizzy.... go have a bubble bath and go to bed. Tomorrow will be better, but make that call to say goodnight.
Jan
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 12
Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 5:26:20 PM
this is some selfish stuff here. im pretty sure that if a man wrote something like this, hed be accused of being manipulative and controlling.

OP: youre gonna drive this guy nuts. ok, he says he wants to see you every day, but he doesnt rearrange his entire work schedule in order to do so. so what? honestly, what do you expect a guy to do? i want a million dollars, but im not going to rob a bank tomorrow to get it. understand? sometimes just because we want things, doesnt mean we are going to do unreasonable things to get them. you really cant expect a man to revolve his work schedule around seeing you every day.

you need to RELAX. youre never going to be happy with anyone if you expect them to drop everything in order to see you every day. if you care about this guy, and he really seems to care about you, dont ruin something great over something so petty. best of luck to you.
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 13
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 5:36:47 PM
Lots of great food for thought. Much appreciated.

Domain: do you mean ie he spent xmas and the previous week with me so he could spend time with me in the early formative connections?? Or what do you mean? I just found it hard that we went from major lovely intensity to back at home, nice but he's not getting going on his job, rather he sat about talking about the job and talking about writing but not doing it and then suddenly bang the monday hits and it's all panic and talk of maybe not seeing me for 4 days straight! Then I feel like I'm planning around him in order to get time with him and even still he was changing plans and turning up late (on one occasion 2 hours late)....if you want to spend time with a person you love and you know you have a job coming up, would it not be more beneficial to spread your 60 -72 hours over 8 days rather than 5 or 6 even if you are only getting paid for 6? It's up to him how he organises his time and by virtue of all this intense madness I don't get to see him tonight....

Jan - I didn't break up with my current boyfriend (though at one point it crossed my mind when my contraception failed, he was all full of talk of how he was there for me if I needed him, I got through the day but by nightfall was feeling really really down and despite knowing from my texts that I was in a really bad place, he refused to either come over or let me go over to him -that's 3 or 4 months ago). I broke up with my ex of 3 years back in the summer....I had no desire to but he couldn't commit/ wasn't at peace with the relationship despite not being able to pinpoint the issue....

Auntyemm -it's possible...it's why I'm here....I'm trying to figure out what's reasonable, what's not, what's me acting on past BS etc...again I feel like in order to change this I will need to withdraw a bit which right now I think is probably the best thing to do...stop asking and let him come to me but it means I'm closing down emotionally and retracting from all that lovely fuzzy stuff re all the happy thoughts of marriage, family etc. I'm an all in or all out type person...I can't be all happily in love and acting like we're around the corner from marriage and then happy to not see my boyfriend for 4 days and just have the sporadic text....I really struggle with that!

Mrwrong -My boyfriend made reference today re how we're setting the basis for our future....I took it as a kind of a warning that reading between the lines, I was pushing too much....I don't want to do that yet I feel like I have a point....we are going on the basis of a couple who are commited to each other for life and not far off marriage and kids and all that and I find this random hot hot hot honey I want you by my side all the time always, followed by "oh I won't see you for 4 days ah well" really really hard to take! Does that make me crazy? Surely not? :O
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 14
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 5:49:49 PM
Btw Mrwrong -it wasn't about him rearranging his entire work schedule to suit me.......he knew in advance re the stuff that was coming up but was insistant on not working before the official start date and thus is in the midst of long treks, having to drive many miles and we can't see each other now because he has to stay up there....All this could have been avoided with a bit of planning...plus he's cancelled and changed plans on me....
 Loves_Montana
Joined: 10/16/2012
Msg: 15
Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 6:07:40 PM
Sounds like you may be depressed. Uncontrollable crying is normal for anyone that experiences loss. The length of time spent getting over the sobs is the important thing. Yes, I am a therapist but I would never diagnose anyone in a forum such as this. Very unethical. However I can share some of my experiences with you. Relationships take time to mature before emotional commitment is made. When someone jumps from one intimate relationship to another intimate relationship without taking time to heal from the last relationship and has compromised themselves to gain a relationship usually spells trouble. My opinion, there are times when a women will give sex for love and men will give love for sex. A recipe for disaster. How many times do we hear the "lost out," partner say, "I love him so much how could he possibly cheat on me." Two thoughts on that, relationships cannot exist on love alone many other dimensional aspects make for a healthy relationship. Another thought me my cheat is if the woman or man is willing to engage in intimate encounters early on in a relationship, there is the a very real possibility the man or woman will think they are so easy why not stray a bit. Usually the stray feels that if found out they will readily admit to their "foolish behavior" and with a little effort will be to swoon the person back they will try it. I have no idea if any of this applies to you. Maybe you will see something in my post that helps. gary
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 16
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 6:30:34 PM
Thanks a million Gary and to everyone else for your responses.

I don't think I am depressed. I'm usually very happy go lucky. But for some reason the past week I feel down.

I was with my ex until the summer.Until early July I pleaded with a few of his close friends and family to help him see sense and when that didn't work I eventually pulled my socks up and reluctantly moved on. Towards the end of July I had gone on a few dates and at the end of august my current boyfriend made his move on me. Initially I felt conflicted, I did not want to ruin a good friendship, I was not entirely sure how I felt about him and I felt a little bit like I was cheating on my ex! More recently however I have moved on from that and assured myself this is not rebound and yes I love my boyfriend. He's very sweet and caring and thoughtful.

Yet at times I get huffy. Things like him telling me he'd be there for me when my contraception had failed and I had to go and get a 5 day morning after pill! When push came to shove later that evening he wasn't....Then more recently on holidays when he seemed to be telling me he thinks of other women when we're having sex....every time I tried to clarify it he responded with "but all men do this!" and "I'm just being honest"...eventually we cleared it up and I've moved on......

I'm scared of the possibility of pushing away the most wonderful guy on the planet...I'm scared that maybe I'm ust acting out on my insecurities...I'm scared that maybe I haven't dealt with the past properly yet, then again I have felt fine. Then I'm also scared that maybe I see a few things in my boyfriend simmering under the surface that I don't like....eg when there's an issue he can kind of shut me out/ get dismissive....

And honest to god I feel terribly conflicted with all his talk of wanting to wake up every morning beside me and that he then can waste time for a couple of days and then suddenly wind up in a blind panic and so flippantly telling me we won't see each other for 4 days....or he'll say things like "oh don't worry we'll get some time together" or "I saw you yesterday and I'll see you tomorrow...yes great I know...that's not much missed time but to me it just seems to contradict this insistance of wanting to always be together. I think part of the nub of my issue is I feel like he kind of picks and chooses as he pleases...ie he's with me and all sweet and it's all amazing and wow I want to spend my future with you but then he just as easily will be switched off the next minute or we're away from each other and I get a sporadic text....it just seems a little too contrasting for my liking.
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 17
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 6:38:40 PM
Food for thought Carolann....Thank you....your advice is very good :)

I wonder in how far I'm planting all my fears of relationships onto this one...I don't know....

Yet I still wonder: do I have a point as regards to the time management......if his time management means we miss out on time together and I'm trying to plan around him.....do I not have a point?
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 18
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 6:57:32 PM
I can't help but also wonder am I suffering a delayed reaction to the breakup with my ex! I had it only a few months ago that I wound up a sobbing wreck because I hadn't properly dealt with losing a friend 2 years ago to a battle with cancer :(

I did text my boyfriend to say goodnight and that I loved him. I didn't call him because I didn't want to intrude. I've just emailed a potential counsellor that might be able to provide the service for free. When I see my boyfriend, how far do I go in telling him of the internal turmoil and reasoning or possible reasoning behind it and do I bother explaining my thoughts again or just leave him be....and me thinks maybe I should back off a bit and let him do the asking when he can see me etc but in order to do so, will require me going through the pains of shutting down emotionally a bit :( But maybe it's the best approach for the immediate future?
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 19
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 7:57:15 PM
You're being a pain in the butt. Your dude cares for you a lot, he's all in for adapting for what matters. Let him choose his own socks.
 privat33r
Joined: 2/8/2009
Msg: 20
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:06:19 PM
I'm sorry. My last note was completely uncalled for. OP- I'm sure you'll do fine. Thanks for posting a detailed and interesting quandary for us to ponder.
 Loves_Montana
Joined: 10/16/2012
Msg: 21
Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:28:57 PM
I suggest anyone trying to analyze themselves eat a bunch of Ex-Lax and try not to shit (kinda gross, sorry). I feel the only safe place to dump is with a counselor. My experience has been that disclosing past relationships is not advised. "The Speech" usually leaves the other person wondering WTF is this? Surprise, even counselors know these words. Don't use them at work, but this post is free fall! Many public mental health clinics do a great job working with the patient on charges. The person with the concerns needs to decide what road is best. If the check engine light in my car comes on, I know can probably still drive the car. The question is do I want to "waste" two years of my life hoping the light will go out or take it to a mechanic and have it fixed in short order. More food for thought. gary
 LG2727
Joined: 1/20/2010
Msg: 22
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/24/2013 9:50:14 PM
Sounds to me like you like creating your own drama so you have something to **** about later. (and I am not insulting you, but most people dont get this simple fact) You and only you make the choices that affect your life. You cant control anyone elses life. Either get used to not being the center of this mans universe ie. the birthday thing..cmon! you could have celebrated that anytime! Or, remain alone till you can find a man who doubles as a doormat. If you are worried about him leaving/growing apart from you, then whats the problem? You should be making plans to end the whole thing already. If there are doubts, then understand that a womans intuition is usually right on, remember that when making your next move. Only you can make you happy, dont put that responsibility on anyone else.
 DameWrite
Joined: 2/27/2010
Msg: 23
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/25/2013 1:23:09 AM
OP are your hormones out of wack? I'm serious. (pregnant?) You really sound over the top and insecure and panicky.
Please calm down.

Are you able to take care of yourself financially? Emotionally? Have you even tried being alone?

I recommend it for awhile and just date him if you like. No more than once a week until you get settled and know which way YOU should steer YOURSELF. You are WAY too needy and child like.

He is trying to please you and himself and keep his self worth in tact and juggle things. Sounds like a tough gig, especially with you pointing out how he should be doing things different. He IS different. Love him and leave him alone. There is more than 1 way to do things. He may not be juggling things your way but that is allowed. He is allowed. Even if he screws up.
You have got to take his ways into consideration and do the best you can with what you have to work, with if you are going to be able to hang with this guy and not rip your hair out (or rip his self esteem up).

Do not plan your life around him and maybe don't be so adamant about how things ought to be.

Growing up means we understand that we can't always get what we want, the way we want.

I really recommend learning to deal with your issues before trying to fix him.

1 date per week, tops!

Take care.
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 24
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/25/2013 2:19:42 AM
Paper: Sorry but no you have it wrong...rather than start on a Wednesday when an agreement had been made with the people who would pay him for the project, he decided that because they could only pay for 2 weeks, he would only start on the monday. I saw it coming and can't help but feel had he started on the Wednesday he could have covered the same stuff over say 16 days rather than 12 and it would have allowed him a bit more freedom during these 2 weeks to take an evening off and not have to push himself into exhaustion which is what he's doing.....

LG2727...it's why I'm on here...I don't like drama and don't want drama and am attempting to make sense of what's going on in my head. I find the ad hoc planning a bit unnerving and a big problem I have is I feel like one minute he's all talk of marriage but then when apart it often feels like he's disconnected -wants to get on with his own things be it watching tv even....i just feel like there's an imbalance in the us together and us not together and I'm struggling with it....I'm either all in and this person is my lifelong partner or not....I still think on the basis of feedback and my own logic that I should attempt to back off but again as per above I can't back off and be all switched on to the point of dreaming of marriage during our times together...ie if I back off and leave him space to make whatever ad hoc plans he wants and just hope for the best that somehow my plans and his will match up, then I need to withdraw emotionally a bit as well which I don't want :(

Really folks I'm aware I probably sound self -centered, a cow and all that....really I'm not...I'm just a woman who's feeling down the past week and I've come to what I hoped would be a safe haven for me to bounce what's in my head out to you guys and try and make some sense of it.

I do appreciate your responses :)
 jlizzy
Joined: 8/14/2007
Msg: 25
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Head in turmoil -can't see wood for trees -need direction
Posted: 1/25/2013 2:42:41 AM
Dame -pretty sure I'm not pregnant but yes I do feel outta whack and I don't know why.

I'm just going through a down moment and am trying to figure it out....

Yes he does try to please me in many ways which is one big reason why I'm here...I don't want to mess it up when I myself have said plenty of times that I have won the lotto with this guy!

I would have been happy dating but like I said he got all deep and talking about marriage and a family and stuff....I'm still battling with this a lot -I find it a struggle to be all deep in like that and then huppa he's gone or doing whatever and I'll just have to see him whenever our plans meet....it's just not sitting well with me no matter how I try to look at it.....

See folks the nub of it...imagine you are actually married to someone -then you would plan your life around that person right? We've talked so much of commitment that I've found myself going to that place and whilst I know he's committed and loves me and all that I feel like if we're not together then he does things whatever way he decides suits him best.....with a 2 week job stint, were I to just go ahead and make my own plans how I do then myself and my boyfriend would wind up with very little time together!
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