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Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 2
Ignoring Red FlagsPage 1 of 2    (1, 2)
Common sense is your friend.

Joined: 4/8/2012
Msg: 3
Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 1/27/2013 8:41:22 AM
I'm all for meeting asap & my opinion of it is all over the forums but even I know you have to feel someone out with a few emails first.
Joined: 6/29/2009
Msg: 5
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Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 1/27/2013 9:00:25 AM
As above, the best general policy is, when you do doubt your own red flags (after all, they can be misleading sometimes), do NOT simply set them aside. Instead, note them, and guide the activity you are involved with to a careful conclusion, until you can get away and re-examine your reactions.

The number one method that dangerously manipulative people use to get otherwise careful and wary people to succumb to their attacks, is to find a way to make you doubt your own judgement, then push you to decide in their favor while your defenses are down.

Among the most crude tricks, is to directly accuse you of something that you yourself likely disapprove of. Prejudice is a very popular ploy for this. They might accuse you of refusing to do what they want because you are racially biased, or if that isn't applicable, that you are sexually biased. Past that is accusing you of being old fashioned, or shallow, or "out of touch with modern norms," or any other thing they can think of. Once they can get you to pause, and to consider that you MIGHT have been upset for reasons which you actually don't support, then they will push you to take the next step in their favor, either to prove to them and to the world that you are NOT a nasty person, or to "experience the freeing effect of setting aside your needless worries, so as to fully enjoy life."

The thing I recommend that you keep in mind, as a mantra of sorts, or perhaps just as a motto... is that IF this relationship is to be more than a one day fling, then you ALWAYS have time to go away and think things through on your own. Anyone who claims that it's "now or never," obviously has no serious intention of staying around for YOUR sake, anyway.

Therefore, the correct response to self doubt or confusion, is to relax, calmly refuse to cross whatever line is being presented, and stick with your original limits. Then, after whatever date or other social situation you are in is over with, you can go back over the discussion and decide separately, whether or not you want to make the change your new friend has asked of you. If the person was genuinely interested in you as the individual you are, they will still be there, and open to take up where you left off.
Joined: 11/7/2011
Msg: 6
Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 1/27/2013 9:11:30 AM
Good for you for putting an end to it as soon as you did. At least you didn't make the mistake of deciding to date him to see if things will get better after you get to know each other. Just continue to ignore his texts and he will go away. If he doesn't you can let him know you are filing a police report for phone harassment.
Joined: 6/16/2007
Msg: 7
Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 1/27/2013 12:22:07 PM
we all tend to ignore red flags...when what we want is more important to us than the damage done by ignoring that red flag. tho for some of us, we have our own red flags, so when we see someone else with the same red flag, we don't define that as red flags...but instead as normal behavior.

the best way--yet not initially easy--is to tamp down your desire to want. get some hobbies/pursuits/interests/passions that make you feel alive, learn how to do them yourself, and you may find needing companionship to be less of an issue. that in turn, may make you more of a chooser, less of a pursuer. you'll want someone to join you in your life, not someone who'll add to it.
Joined: 1/6/2013
Msg: 9
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Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 1/27/2013 1:47:50 PM
I agree with never go against your intuition even if you think you are just being uptight. You know who are but you have no idea who he is. Any guy worth being with will not force a date or even an exchange of phone numbers until you feel comfortable. Generally in the online convos I ask enough questions and get enough info to give me a sense of who he is and if he's lying. Guys that have similar objectives as me will be patient. Remember always, that you want a man that wants and accepts you for you. Don't let any part of you be dismissed or undermined. That is a sure sign he is not for you.
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 11
Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 1/29/2013 7:21:06 AM
In my 48 yrs of living, I have learned to listen to my inner gutt and those red flags. They can save your life sometime.

Seems like he wanted to go from 0-100 in a date. You can't do that. You have to get to know each other slowly. I have done both and the moving fast always ended unpleasant.

At the same time I know what I like, and don't, and if I don't what I like in a month or so...I end it. Just to old to wish he be what I want.
Joined: 12/18/2012
Msg: 12
Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 1/29/2013 10:49:25 AM
The police can not do anything unless he actually physically threatens you. We had a former client harrass my family and we called the police. nothing they can do, unless threatened. And even then, its your word against his.
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 13
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Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 1/30/2013 10:42:50 AM

"Great book, lots of good information in there about red flags, what to look for etc. "

Care to share some of them? I am sure we would all benefit!
Joined: 5/28/2010
Msg: 14
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Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 1/30/2013 10:45:41 AM

As above, the best general policy is, when you do doubt your own red flags (after all, they can be misleading sometimes), do NOT simply set them aside. Instead, note them, and guide the activity you are involved with to a careful conclusion, until you can get away and re-examine your reactions..... the person was genuinely interested in you as the individual you are, they will still be there, and open to take up where you left off.

A totally GENIUS post if I may say so Igor. Very insightful and useful and TRUE.
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 15
Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 1/30/2013 5:22:23 PM
Always do the meet & greet, the 10 to 30 minute meet to see if there is enough attraction to go on a date. So many problems & situations could be avoided if ppl did this.
Be careful of a guy, like that one you mentioned, who brings up sex. Not only is it extremely rude, but you are still strangers, & that shows his intentions are to use you for sex then kick you to the curb.
Watch out for man claiming to be sooo busy, he can only see you when he's at work, & claims to be busy on the weekend nights, that's a sign he is married, or has a live in g/f.
Be weary of any man who after a 1st meet wants to come over to your house or have you go to his, instead of taking you out on a date. That shows his intentions are to have sex with you, & that he is too cheap to take you out on a date. Very bad sign. A cheap man always has other bad traits, including but not limited to, being extremely self absorbed, selfish, inconsiderate, telling lies so you have to pay his way, I forgot my wallet, etc.
Just trust your intuition, so far you are doing ok!
Joined: 6/16/2010
Msg: 16
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Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 2/20/2013 11:04:21 AM
My favorite from a couple of years ago.
They say they are doing one thing for a certain reason and it dont make sense...especially when reason keeps changing..
1st reason for traveling after just getting back from 3 weeks in same place and going for another 2 weeks or so; was lots of family birthdays...When asked about the family birthdays a week later while they were there..."oh i called them they live out of state" (ok maybe some miusunderstanding).
trip was 500 miles farther north during a conversation about why trip while still away..."weather at home was just getting to me, could not take the cold any more" Place he went was having snow, had snow and was colder.???? No he was not a skier..
In fact late complained about the weather where he was visiting.

That was when red flags really popped....especially when added with he couldn't talk by cell due to inadequate signals...Yet kept talking about phone calls he made to others...
Joined: 8/26/2008
Msg: 17
Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 2/20/2013 7:16:26 PM
went for a coffee with this guy. then the next day the calls and texts started. Had met the second time at his house and felt unsure so left. Told this guy the area i worked not the name of the place he texted me today to say he left something in my truck.... flowers. I stayed at home tonight and he starts texting wanting to see me I said I was tired to end the texts(i hope) so as I was letting my dog in I notice his truck drive by my house.......i did not tell him were I live. I sent off a text asking if in fact he did drive by and he said yes wanted to know where I live. texted him to leave me alone you freak....... wow scarey!!!!
Joined: 6/16/2010
Msg: 18
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Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 2/20/2013 7:22:16 PM
I think i would have 911 on speed dial for a while..
Joined: 3/7/2014
Msg: 19
Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 10/22/2016 1:19:21 PM

What are some of your online dating lessons you could share

"An empty mailbox guarantees no live meets."

You can quote me.

Ignoring Red Flags

Makes for better stories here.
Joined: 7/5/2016
Msg: 20
Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 11/3/2016 4:58:29 AM
I've learned to do the following:

1. Vet the person, get to know him some before meeting, like the prehistoric online era when people corresponded before opting to meet or not and took the time, effort and energy to get to know the person.

2. Give my google voice # or snapchat. Snapchat allows you to call, receives calls without giving your own number. You can send videos and pics and even cam.

3. If and when there's a first date, moderate time for a first date. I don't do "let's see's", I do dates. Something simple, but again it's been based on getting to know the guy before actually meeting him in person. Everyone is different, some go for quantity and do lots of "let's see's/meet/interviews".

4. I learned to leave the date after the guy has exited the parking lot before me.

5. As far as red flags from just online interactions, I steer clear of the "time wasters" those just online looking to pass their time. You'll be able to tell who they are after a few exchanges via inbox, their conversation is very sub-level and if you proceed with correspondence, they will never initiate meeting or mention wanting to.

6. Catfish, I posted about this in another thread. They're rampant on here, most are scammers, but some are creepy people hiding behind fake photos.

7. Married/involved/cheating, I preface to them not to contact me, but if they're froggy, they make my block list quick.

8. I have learned to set certain parameters in place to keep some from being able to contact me. I talked about that in another thread also.
Joined: 7/28/2016
Msg: 21
Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 11/3/2016 10:32:33 AM
My recent one, over possessive before even meeting. He send a very passive aggressive message after seeing that I had added a new photo to my profile. He lost any chance of ever meeting me at that point.
Joined: 10/12/2013
Msg: 22
Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 11/22/2016 7:07:35 AM

Don't give out your phone number until you have met and have a good impression through your intuition (gut feelings). You can set up the first meet-and-greet right in the email. It's harder to get rid of stalkers when they already have your number.

I like to exchange numbers before a first date / meeting in case someone is running late, last minute change in plans, needs to postpone the date etc. People can use a cheap prepaid cell phone if they don't give out their number. While I wouldn't completely dismiss a gut feeling or vibe, sometimes it's more of a proceed with caution than an automatic dealbreaker.
Joined: 2/14/2010
Msg: 23
Ignoring Red Flags
Posted: 11/22/2016 7:31:43 AM

Red flags ive come across and previously ignored:
Nice guy syndrome

In order for guys to avoid appearing like nice guys, do guys need to act like thugs and criminals and women beaters?
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