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Show ALL Forums  > Over 30  > 30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?      Home login  
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 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 1
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?Page 1 of 7    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
Is 30+ the age where you should start compromising your standards?

It seems I have reached a point where I am meeting less and less people who have never been married and w/o kids.

I've even been told that it's unrealistic to hope for anyone who hasn't done either of the above at my age.

Well so far I have overlooked ppl who have been divorced. (My ex was divorced himself) ... However, a guy with kid(s), I am not looking for that yet, if ever. ....

How does the rest of the 30-something crowd feel about this?
 keb5242
Joined: 8/19/2012
Msg: 2
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/28/2013 11:08:57 AM
I don't think you should have to compromise your standards. However, you may need to reevaluate why you have these standards and if they are worth holding on to. If they are than stick with them. But you may discover that as you get older your standards may change as well. I think that as long as you are open to seeing possibilities than allowing your standards to change as you change you will be alright. There is nothing wrong with having standards. I know a lot of people who don't have standards and end up going from one relationship to another wondering why they always end up with these awful people.
 Eric_Summit
Joined: 11/3/2009
Msg: 3
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/28/2013 11:26:12 AM
As long as you can comfortably embrace they'll be harder to achieve as years pass.
For example, I am 45 y.o. male, divorced, and never had children.

A nearby 45 y.o. woman who wishes BOTH standards to be met might cost both of us a relationship.
As mentioned by keb5242 above, one doesn't have to compromise, yet one may wish to occasionally revisit.
 sunriseguy5
Joined: 12/26/2011
Msg: 4
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/28/2013 12:26:57 PM
Having standards and expectations is normal, even in our thirties. And i know a lot of people who are in their thirties who have never been married and w/o kids (both guys and gals-- me included) Being single in the thirties is the norm now.

You can't just settle or you will be in a problem relationship or an unhappy one. Remember that being in our thirties is our prime and remember to just enjoy life and don't think too hard on this.
 AquaLinda
Joined: 12/12/2012
Msg: 5
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/28/2013 2:25:02 PM
It depends. If I truly click with a person, we get along great and there is lots of attraction/chemistry, I'm definitely willing to compromise. No one can meet every single preference. At the same time, no matter who much I click with someone there are some definite deal breakers. I have a list of "would likes" and "must haves".
 koski456
Joined: 1/3/2013
Msg: 6
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/28/2013 5:17:32 PM
It depends on who you meet and I'm in the same boat. But in the military its a bit worse because im looked at as odd however I won't "settle" for anyone. If i happen to meet someone and things go well then the "standards" go away.

But i never want to be with someone and think that i couldn't find someone better or more in common with ( i've seen too many of these relationships where people settle on a partner just to not be alone then years later come to find they were with the wrong person). When the answer should be this is who i want to be with and I'm glad I'm with such and such.

Just my perspective on things
 SunshineAngel99
Joined: 10/13/2010
Msg: 7
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30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/28/2013 8:49:21 PM
You don't compromise your fundamental standards (honesty, integrity, respect, etc), but if your standards are too high then this will be a re-occuring problem.
 Exception_To_The_Rule
Joined: 11/29/2012
Msg: 8
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/28/2013 10:09:44 PM
I'm 32, not married, no kids...but does this reflect what the focus of my life has been about? I craft ten original messages and perhaps receive one reply. I have met some beautiful-hearted people on this site over the years I have been here but overall I feel this remains to be a process wherein being critical of others comes before being critical of oneself. Compromise must exist between any two people if they are to be honest with each other in my opinion...

my 2c, I hope it is helpful.
 Walts
Joined: 5/7/2005
Msg: 9
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/29/2013 5:56:16 AM
I don't know about compromising one's standards but, at my age, I realize that there is a lot less of black and white, and a lot more grey.
 36steveo
Joined: 5/8/2009
Msg: 10
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30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/29/2013 6:31:13 AM
just live life and it will happen
 jc91607
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 11
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/29/2013 10:04:04 AM
When we get older, our standards should not loosen up, but should mature. Our 18-year-old selves may find our 30+-year-old selves standards repulsive and vice versa. Most of us in our 30's may have had the opportunity to have someone that met our 18-year-old standards and found out those people were not that great after all. Most of us in our 30's have also observed the ugly ducklings around us blossom into swans.
 Zoompertec
Joined: 1/25/2013
Msg: 12
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/29/2013 11:36:17 AM
If the Standards are related to qualities of a person then stick by them, If they are related to something superficial time to tone down a bit may be ?
 TraveliciousGuy
Joined: 9/17/2011
Msg: 13
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/29/2013 11:39:07 AM

It seems I have reached a point where I am meeting less and less people who have never been married and w/o kids.

I've even been told that it's unrealistic to hope for anyone who hasn't done either of the above at my age.


People tell me the same thing at 56.
 aep15
Joined: 3/19/2011
Msg: 14
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30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/29/2013 6:20:37 PM
I used to think the same thing, as I wasn't getting approached by what I considered to be "quality" guys in my thirties like I was in my twenties. However, once I strayed from my standards I felt uncomfortable. I just couldn't force myself to be attracted to someone that I was not romantically interested in. I do agree with what someone else said about standards maturing though. There are qualities I admire now that I found repulsive in my twenties and vice versa. The most important thing to remember is that you can't manufacture love. If you are not comfortable with a person, you can't force it or you'll just end up unhappy and disappointed.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 15
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/30/2013 10:42:55 AM
Yes, your standards are too high. What's wrong with a guy who has been divorced? I date divorced women? Do you really think you are going to date someone who has not had a relationship? And what's the real difference between divorce and having had a girlfriend and a breakup in the past? Do you really think you are going to find a 40 year old virgin who is the catch of the day?

Besides, if the guy is divorced, it means he knows enough about women to know that many want to get married and so he did the right thing... so you are going to turn down guys who have proven relationship skills? I don't think you have thought this through very well.

Kids are more complicated though. You'll have to decide that for yourself. But going out on a coffee date to meet a few guys would not kill you. Some of you could probably use the practice dates anyway.
 Ricke1100
Joined: 12/7/2012
Msg: 16
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/30/2013 8:16:00 PM
RandomFishy,

Loosening up or dare I say, "lowering" your standards, sounds like settling to me. I don't know about you, but living the rest of my life with someone I "settled" for wouldn't be fair to her or myself...

But there is never a better time than right now to give our standards a "Reality Check". I think we all start with what we think are standards but in reality we have standards or deal breakers and then we have road blocks or perceived deal breakers, to perform a "Reality Check" I asked myself what are my deal breakers and I came up with cute, intelligent, a sense of humor and the ability to communicate openly and honestly.

That's it, everything else was peripheral, based on an irrelevant perception. Most people believe love is a sensation that magically, spontaneously generates when that special someone appears…Is there anyone over 30 that does not know that feeling tends to be fleeting? Erich Fromm’s "The Art of Loving," noted the sad consequence of this misconception: "There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love."

After awhile I realized that looking for love on an Online Dating Profile page was a fools task and began looking for the foundation of love and that love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness. Nice looks, a sense of humor and intelligence attract us, but goodness is what moves us to love. I believe that love emanates from our ability appreciate goodness, thus, two people can create love by focusing on the good in each other and looking for and finding the goodness in someone is the foundation of every loving relationship.

Once we have found the goodness in each other we need to act on it, actions affect our feelings most. To become more compassionate, thinking and speaking compassionately is no substitute for doing compassionate things. Likewise, the best way to feel loving is to be loving? The effect of genuine, other-oriented giving is profound. It allows you into another person's world and opens you up to perceiving his or her goodness. At the same time, it means investing part of yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself. The more you give, the more you love.

Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time. The intensity many couples feel at the start of a relationship is usually the result of chemistry, and anticipation, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as two people give more and more to each other.

My suggestion would be to toss any standard that is not a deal breaker and look for the good in each person you meet and you will ultimately find what you are truly looking for. At least that's my plan and I sticking to it...

I don't believe love is a feeling so much as it is a choice...All relationships have their ups and downs, the downs can be really low and when you're in one, you have three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless relationship, or choose to love your partner."

As long as there is a choice, I will always choose to love....

Rick
 jc91607
Joined: 1/21/2013
Msg: 17
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/30/2013 9:54:29 PM
I am a divorced guy with kids. I would like to defend the OP for not wanting to date divorced men or men with kids.

For many women, my child and/or divorced status are deal killers. Although I wish it were not a deal killer, I cannot force anybody to like me. Before I or anybody else jumps on the OP for having her standards, we all have standards that are arguably arbitrary or unfair. For example, many will not date somebody who is too tall or too short. Others will only date people of certain ethnic or religious backgrounds. The list goes on and on.

My only advice to the OP is that she should list all the negative qualities that come along with a man being divorced or having children. While it may be true that most or many men who are divorced and/or have kids have these qualities, it may be possible that some do not. Perhaps there are a significant number of divorced men and/or fathers out there who do not have the "baggage" that typically comes with being divorced and/or having kids.
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 18
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30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/31/2013 5:05:22 AM
They may be less but how many do you need? Most are professionals, try looking in the right places. Am sure you can find atleast three then take it from there. Dont settle, you will be miserable.
 Skotch
Joined: 5/12/2010
Msg: 19
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30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/31/2013 7:08:11 AM
This may be more complicated than it seems and I'm probably not going to make sense in my explanation, but here goes.

Some folks think that divorced people are jaded. Some folks think that someone over the age of 30 who hasn't been married yet are never going to commit. Don't put "divorced" or "never married" on your litmus test because you're really not caring about that. You're worried about "jaded" or "fear of commitment." Those are legit show stoppers. Its going to be harder to figure those things out, but these are the traits you're actually worried about/looking for.

My standards change day in and day out, its a damn swing set. I'm not proud of it! But generally the things that stay on my "has to be" list are not about what's happened in the past, but what is the reality today.
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 20
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/31/2013 8:23:53 AM

Besides, if the guy is divorced, it means he knows enough about women to know that many want to get married and so he did the right thing... so you are going to turn down guys who have proven relationship skills? I don't think you have thought this through very well.


I know people divorce for varied reasons, sometimes through no fault of their own but to specifically address your statement I don't necessarily agree that having had a marriage which ended divorce = "proven relationship skill". As a matter of fact, it sounds just the opposite to me.




It isn't having standards that is the issue here.

You think your standards are valid, they are not.

Taken as a whole you wouldn't be in the situation you are currently in if your standards were up to the job.

Your standards have more likely provided a convenient excuse to do things in the past that suited you without any effort to work on things you found more difficult.

They were no more effective in getting you want you want now than then they were then.

There is something wrong with a woman who can reach 30 without having secured at least one long term relationship if that is what she wants and has taken time to get.


I already stated that I am willing to date those who have been divorced. My ex was divorced himself. .. The only thing that I don't think I am ready nor looking for yet at this stage in my life are those who have kid(s) as I don't have any myself. ......Having a relationship with someone who has kids takes on a different dynamic. Realistically however, there are fewer folks in the 30+ range who do not have kids. ...
 MrShoesnchocolate
Joined: 1/14/2013
Msg: 21
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/31/2013 8:41:42 AM
I now have to consider dating a woman with kids since the majority of them around my age have them. Otherwise, the odds of actually finding a partner again drop too much.
 Ricke1100
Joined: 12/7/2012
Msg: 22
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/31/2013 11:11:57 AM

those who have kid(s) as I don't have any myself


I could definitely see this a being a deal breaker for a woman, kids seem to be rather selfish when it comes to sharing the time they have with mom/dad with someone new. They also can be somewhat judgmental/critical, and they have no concept of self censorship and there is always that feeling of being out numbered in every discussion, what's for dinner, what movie are we going to see, where are we going on vacation etc.

You would really have to ask yourself if the juice is worth the effort its going to take to squeeze it out...

On the other hand ruling someone out just because they have kids could prevent you from having some really amazing relationships with the dad and the kids. Believe it or not there are some kids out there that get it, they really want their mom/dad to be happy, having an extra chauffeur, an extra cell # to call, an extra wallet to dig into and having an extra person that they can talk to is all they have wished for, for as long as they can remember...

You could be that person, you could make that type of difference in a young person's life and that would make you feel totally awesome, just thinking about it made me reach for a Kleenex...

If there was an opportunity like that out there wouldn't you want to be the one to answer those prayers?
 Drawesome32
Joined: 6/26/2012
Msg: 23
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/31/2013 12:23:18 PM
i dont think anyone should ever compromise or update their standards, ever. when i started dating as a teenager, i was only willing to date very fit, unmarried women, with no children. and no one older than 27. now that im 34, i think its a good idea to stick to those high standards. i mean, im entitled to it right? i think i deserve happiness just like everyone else. if i end up staying single forever, its obviously not any fault of my own, its because there just arent any women who are good enough for me.
 tnt144
Joined: 10/22/2007
Msg: 24
30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/31/2013 12:53:29 PM

I know people divorce for varied reasons, sometimes through no fault of their own but to specifically address your statement I don't necessarily agree that having had a marriage which ended divorce = "proven relationship skill". As a matter of fact, it sounds just the opposite to me.


- Okay, I'll give you that - it's not perfect. A divorce could be seen, on the one hand, as a failure. However, is't a breakup to a large degree very similar? That being said, I just don't think it's realistic to find someone who has never had a relationship and a breakup before, in your age group? Remember, on top of that, both people have to fall in love with each other, be reasonably easy to get along with, and have a minimum of personal liabilities to have a good chance at a happy relationship that can go the distance. This thing is hard enough as it is without putting unrealistic expectations on it.

Just keep something in mind - you are not looking for someone perfect - none of us are perfect. Including yourself. I'm just trying to help, put things in perspective.

If it helps any, at one time (a brief period), when I was closer to your age, I thought the same way, and thought divorce was a negative - but I later realized I was wrong.
 kathRN77
Joined: 6/15/2010
Msg: 25
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30's = Time to Loosen Up One's Standards?
Posted: 1/31/2013 5:54:41 PM
OP -- i am with you in this...as i get older it is harder and harder to find someone who hasnt been married or has kids... i dont come with a lot of baggage to a relationship (a little emotional - who doesn't? everyone who has had a relationship in their life has emotional baggage) but I dont have a ton of other baggage...it seems to be that i do need to lower my standards cause i am not finding what i am looking for - i think that the 30-something guy with no baggage is pretty much non-existent...i dont know what the answer is...
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