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Show ALL Forums  > Relationships  > Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?      Home login  
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 ineedfun2010
Joined: 4/3/2010
Msg: 1
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?Page 1 of 5    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
We get along, have 2 kids & he is just out if the hospital. He isn't totally recovered & won't be back at work for about a month. He is staying with me for the next few weeks.
People seem to think I am crazy. Neither if us have family close by. His parents live 150 miles away & his mom is undergoing chemo so he couldn't stay with them. He is staying in my guest room and my kids are thrilled to be able to spend extra time with him.
My friend's boyfriend thinks I'm still in love with him. I am not but we are friends. Others have told me I must be a saint. I look at it as providing a good example to my kids. How would it look to them if their dad had nowhere to go & I didn't help him?
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 2
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:17:54 PM
He's the father of your children. As long as there's no safety risk - he's not abusive, a drug addict, etc. - I think you kind of have to.
 phoenix_55
Joined: 7/25/2012
Msg: 3
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:22:22 PM
I think that's very Christian of you, OP. It's what any decent person would do. I let my ex stay with me years ago when his apartment complex caught on fire -- he even offered to pay me AND he fixed my dryer. And the lesson taught to your children is priceless and far as being a compassionate human being.
 DragonBits
Joined: 1/6/2012
Msg: 4
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:23:50 PM
Yes, I would take in my ex-wife is if she needed a place to stay.

But I think it would be harder on her than on me.
 ineedfun2010
Joined: 4/3/2010
Msg: 5
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:24:52 PM
He is a great guy. I just couldn't be married to him. We drive each other crazy. I'm sure we will now & he will be thrilled to move back home as soon as he can.
 Orgulloso
Joined: 8/28/2010
Msg: 6
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:30:38 PM
OP,

This has to be one of the best stories I've read on the forums. God bless you.

My ex and I do not have the best of relationships, however she's my children's mother and I would certainly welcome her into my home if she needed me.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 7
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:32:14 PM
I get along with my ex-husband. I would have helped him by cooking and delivering food, and loading and unloading the dishwasher. He can get a nurse or another friend to help him bathe and change the sheets, etc.
 0ldhag
Joined: 1/8/2012
Msg: 8
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:33:18 PM
As long as I had no feelings toward him, then it's not a problem at all.

I'd definatly take him in.

...if he's the father of my child!

Anyone who says anything is just an idiot and very immature.

Forget them and make him feel welcomed and loved in his time of need.
 safaa30
Joined: 3/1/2012
Msg: 9
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:40:32 PM
You close friends, esp the male ones, probably know that he has other options but you seem to be the easiest and most convenient one for him hence their remarks.
 forumitejunkie
Joined: 1/12/2012
Msg: 10
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:42:19 PM
OP I saw you were getting some flack for this on your other thread. As I mentioned in a different thread, it's very sad that our society is far more comfortable with ex's despising and hating each other than remaining amicable and (God forbid!!!) caring...

You have no legal obligation to do this, but ~ given the amicable divorce, and the circumstances of the situation (no other nearby family, etc) ...I think you have a moral obligation to do this...yes. When your kids are grown up, they will remember your kindness to their Dad and it does set a good example.

You can't help what others think or say or guess or choose to impute from your actions...simply do what feels right to YOU. What you're planning to do doesn't make you a "saint"....but it makes you a nice woman, and one with an admirable character...
 c_deacon
Joined: 3/13/2005
Msg: 11
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:46:05 PM
I applaud your kindness and thoughtfulness while dealing with an "ex." You show a caring nature that your children should learn from and hopefully accept as a part of their life now, and in the future.

Saying that, here is a concern for me. Staying a day or two in a separate room is one thing but staying for weeks at a time is another, and might send a message to your kids that maybe mom and dad can do this more and even get back together. A helping hand is one thing, but young children can and will take many things literally, and in their young minds, think that you two are together again as significant others.

May I suggest that you become a caretaker of sorts and go to his place every day to help him, but not keep him in your home with your kids around day in and day out. It would be nice to have your children go with you and visit dad while you help him recover, and then leave with you back to your place to show the true separation of your relationship. This may be more work for you, but I believe that it will give much less of a potential mixed message to your children.

Think about it.

cd
 OutMind
Joined: 2/13/2007
Msg: 12
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:48:51 PM
My question is why are you posting here about this? Do you feel bad that you are helping him? Is he the type of person that does this a lot and is kind of needy? Or does your friends have told you not do it because they know better or not?
Are you afraid that something may start again?
 verygreeneyez
Joined: 3/15/2006
Msg: 13
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 1:54:34 PM
~OP~ A few years ago there was a thread on this very topic in the over 45 category. I was stunned at the responses in there. The rampant insecurities, the hate, the absolute disregard for someone those people once loved, simply astounded me. By and large, the ladies were open to taking in their ex and the males posters thought it was insane (which was interesting because it was a male poster who had taken his ex in while she suffered a slow/painful death with no one else to turn to.)

~OT~ I'd most certainly do so. I find most people's views on ex(s) egregious. It appears that many think being ex's means that person is no longer alive on the planet. That when they become an ex, they become invisible or no longer worth knowing. I question that simply because we, as adults, pick our future ex's. If we find enough value in them to turn them into a potential ex, it stands to reason, to me at least, that even when things go sideways and we can no longer live with them, love them, etc., we should not forget all of their admirable/good qualities. But, I've never been accused of thinking like the masses. My ex and I remained close post-divorce and when our son died at age 23 (3 years ago) the one thing I found myself being grateful for at that most horrible time, was that we had remained friends. Planning a funeral of a child with someone you're not friends with? I simply can't imagine. So without hesitation, I'd definitely do exactly what you're doing and I'd not feel the need to explain my choice to anyone. If a potential date doesn't get it? I wouldn't want to know that person anyway, so nothing lost there. If family/friends don't get it? Oh well. They'll either get over it, or die confused. I'm definitely pro-friend-at-the-end. I see nothing positive in hate/trauma/drama/discontent with those we can no longer be romantically involved with. (Kudos to you for being a kind/caring/loving/giving person ~ a rare breed any more, sad as that is!!) JMO
 domainfullduplex100
Joined: 12/21/2012
Msg: 14
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 2:19:27 PM
wow, if you have to ask :( of course I will. NO QUESTIONS!!!! Time of need is a time of need and even if I had a partner at the time, I will do all I can.
 five-marie
Joined: 7/31/2011
Msg: 15
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 2:40:17 PM
Good for you, you're a great role model for your children. I see nothing wrong, in fact I agree with others who have said you pretty much had no choice. He's the father of your children and he needs you.
When you have children with someone you become a family, divorce does not dissolve this. Family helps family.
 venusenvy777
Joined: 11/19/2008
Msg: 16
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 2:44:19 PM
Yes I have done. Sometimes in life its less about being politically correct and more about doing the right thing.
 jan1025
Joined: 3/23/2009
Msg: 17
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 2:52:30 PM
If that was me I'd be with my mother who is on chemo, and maybe not live. That's a whole month he could actually do some good by helping his family who really needs the help. You said, he recovered so he could really spend some quality time with his mom. Who knows how much time she has, and if she can beat the chemo?

In a month he could return and spend the next 50 plus years seeing you and the kids.

My prayers go out to you and your family,
Jan
 russell5417
Joined: 9/20/2011
Msg: 18
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 2:59:48 PM
A friend in need is a friend indeed.
 Green_Jello44
Joined: 6/19/2011
Msg: 19
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 3:02:32 PM
Yeah I'd help her out......but I would hide the knives.........
 4ms4me
Joined: 4/24/2010
Msg: 20
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 3:22:53 PM
I'd certainly take in my ex-husband if he were in need, and I know he'd do the same for me. If people misconstrued that, it would be their problem and not mine. And, I think you are correct - it does set a good example for your kids, not to mention the people around you. People do seem to have trouble with ex's being friends; my daughter-in-law was worried when she married my son was that having me, my ex's second wife and his current one at the wedding would be a problem, but it certainly wasn't. We actually had a blast razzing him, and more than a few people were surprised at the lack of tension between us.

There's only one ex I'd not be willing to help if he needed it, and even that one I probably would if his circumstances were really that dire.
 dmzvisitor
Joined: 3/25/2011
Msg: 21
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 3:52:37 PM
I have done it and would again--he is the father of my kids, and even if we aren't meant to be a couple forever, we are co-parents and need to be able to be civil at the least, and cordial if possible.
 SILLYGIRL111
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 22
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Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 4:20:50 PM
You are an angel. And what you are doing for your kids father is a good lesson for your kids to see. Yes I have helped my ex out. You are teaching your kids a good thing you are teaching them compassion. You are a very kind women.
 ineedfun2010
Joined: 4/3/2010
Msg: 23
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 8:03:22 PM
Right now my mom is here since she was watching my kids in the evening when I was visiting him in the hospital. She is leaving tomorrow. She stayed an extra day to see my son play basketball tonight & make sure my ex was ok the first day. She is a retired nurse. He confided to my mom that he is worried I will make him leave before he can. We do annoy each other. He will be going to therapy here times a week-me driving him over & back for a few weeks then should be able to go back to work. The therapy is why he isn't with his parents-that and his mother is also a retired nurse & would try to take care of him at the detriment of her health. She has breast cancer that metastasized to her bones. At his point they don't know how long she has. He is alone for about 4 hours in the morning then about 3 in the afternoon. My kids are 8 1/2 & 6. We have been living separately for just about 4 years, divorced 3 1/2. My youngest doesn't remember us living together. They know mommy & daddy are good friends and we do talk about the possibility of one of us remarrying and them having a step parent or siblings. Right now I am not able to use him for free babysitting as he is in no position to take care of the kids.
He may not be able to go home immediately once he recovers because when I was at his house straightening up for him doing dishes, gathering dirty laundry to wash, I noticed the carpet in my daughter's room was wet. We thought it might be a foundation issue but it seems there was a leak from the bathroom and there is mold in my daughter's room that has to be addressed before he can move back in. The wall needs to be redrywalled & new carpet installed after the leak is fixed. That may be a few weeks so it will hopefully be done when he is ready to go home. There is NO chance we will eve reunite. I just don't love him. I can also hear him snore two rooms away! Lol

It seems my ex-in-laws think I am a saint for helping him. They just aren't the kind of people that go out of their way to help people. While growing up we always had a family member or friend staying with us.
When he got sick I was the person he called to go to the hospital. We are each other's emergency contact.
I'd love for him to find someone. He is a great guy, good cook, fabulous father, has a great job. We just were not compatible.
 daj1963
Joined: 4/29/2012
Msg: 24
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 8:11:59 PM
your a good woman... i prob would do the same thing
 Pinky127
Joined: 1/7/2012
Msg: 25
Would you take in in your ex in a time of need?
Posted: 1/31/2013 8:35:34 PM
Op,you're obviously a compassionate,caring and unselfish person and i understand why you're doing what you're doing because i would do same.
The World needs more people like you!

*Edit* I just saw your other Thread on this and all i can say is some people just dont geddit .........
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