Notice: Forums will be shutdown by June 2019

To focus on better serving our members, we've decided to shut down the POF forums.

While regular posting is now disabled, you can continue to view all threads until the end of June 2019. Event Hosts can still create and promote events while we work on a new and improved event creation service for you.

Thank you!

Plentyoffish dating forums are a place to meet singles and get dating advice or share dating experiences etc. Hopefully you will all have fun meeting singles and try out this online dating thing... Remember that we are the largest free online dating service, so you will never have to pay a dime to meet your soulmate.
     
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > Sparing feelings      Home login  
 AUTHOR
 NightNurseTom
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 1
Sparing feelingsPage 1 of 1    
I hope this won't sound arrogant.

I get quite a few contacts from women in whom I have no interest at all.

Which is less hurtful to a woman's pride: A cordial "Thanks but no thanks" or silence?

I've actually placed a notice on my profile asking women not to contact me. Of course I've been told this appears arrogant and I can see how it might. But truly, I'm just trying to spare a stranger's feelings. It just happens that after a lifetime in sales, one of my many talents is the philosophical acceptance of rejection. So if figure it's better if I be the one to take the social risk.

As an alternative, I've experimented with hiding my profile and being the one to get the ball rolling. At least that way I'm only in touch with women I'm interested in. Of course the sorting through profiles can be a real time suck.

So which is it ladies, a polite demurral or silence?
 LiliMarleen
Joined: 5/24/2009
Msg: 2
view profile
History
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/1/2013 10:52:58 AM
I preferred silence.
 Bookbelle
Joined: 10/24/2008
Msg: 3
view profile
History
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/1/2013 10:57:40 AM
Personally, I prefer silence, although I don't mind a cordial "no thanks" if that's what people want to do.

The only time I get annoyed (but not hurt, anymore), is when someone is rude about it. As in, "Bahahahaha, why would I go out with someone like YOU? Are you retarded as well as ugly?" or somesuch.

But yeah... not all women are that hurt by rejection. Women get employed in sales too, you know. ;)
 HelenBackAgain
Joined: 1/7/2013
Msg: 4
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/1/2013 10:58:11 AM

So which is it ladies, a polite demurral or silence?

Either is fine.

As to the note in your profile, the way you've worded it and taken care to explain, I do not think it sounds arrogant. But it is very controlling, and that may be off-putting. As in, "Well, if he has this one thing, how many other things does he have? Will I always be walking on eggshells with this guy?"
 RandomFish123
Joined: 5/30/2012
Msg: 5
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/1/2013 11:01:47 AM
No response is preferred and self-explanatory enough for me.
 LiterateHiker
Joined: 11/30/2012
Msg: 6
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/1/2013 12:15:28 PM
While I think a polite demurral is good manners, most people disagree. It is upsetting to receive nasty, venomous blasting from insecure men in response.
 jjoenyc73
Joined: 11/9/2012
Msg: 7
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/1/2013 12:26:48 PM

silence, one of the most annoying things about this site is rejection letters. You have one message in the inbox, you click on it, and BAM "best of luck in your search"/quote]

Yes agreed . Second most are flirts that get sent by people who have no intention of replying back to your polite reply to their flirts.
 AGuy_4U
Joined: 11/29/2012
Msg: 8
view profile
History
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/1/2013 12:39:50 PM
even though it's rude, almost all women are silent, so I do the same to them.
 Fluffyguy1970
Joined: 11/25/2012
Msg: 9
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/1/2013 1:34:36 PM
I feel its rude sorry. Someone took time out of their day to send a email to you, if this woman walked up to you in a bar would you walk away from her, ignore her or anything else?
 Surrebral
Joined: 5/28/2012
Msg: 10
view profile
History
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/1/2013 4:07:59 PM
Silence. It's golden, after all.
 not_your_girl_next_door
Joined: 6/24/2012
Msg: 11
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/1/2013 6:15:05 PM
I think it depends. I personally prefer brutal honesty 100% of the time especially concerning dating/relationships. If I'm not your type, that's your perspective and your opinion and so I can't hold that against you. So if you simply want to say 'thanks but no thanks' go ahead and do that. I wouldn't be offended--I'd delete the message and move on. However there ARE some messages that I don't even waste my time replying to...mostly ones that involve numbers as letters or such ridiculous misspellings/grammatical errors that I'm not even 100% sure the person isn't a bot/speaks American English.

If you're going to be a****about it though, please pass. I've had sooo many passive aggressive pof-mailers call me every name in the book because I don't want to go out with them....I even had one guy who was a repeat offender (I'd reject him, he'd send me hate mail, and three or four months later message me yet again like nothing happened). Don't be that guy.

Of course, I understand the name of the game, and internet dating is just as superficial as the real thing so, if I don't receive a message back from you, I won't be making a voodoo doll with your face on it or anything.
 NightNurseTom
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 12
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/2/2013 2:08:43 AM
Actually, Iconoclast, many of them seem quite fragile to me. I may of course be reading them wrong but for some people (men as well as women) it's a big step even to make relatively anonymous contact on a dating site.

I have a selfish desire for a clear conscience about my dealings with them.

Pray forgive me.
 vestaceres
Joined: 6/13/2012
Msg: 13
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/2/2013 2:12:33 AM
I'm not sure the ladies have much to worry about, with concern to you. As you're still technically married (separated), I would be hard pressed to believe that women would clamour and vie for your attention, when there are so many available single (divorced) men participating in this site.

In any event, a no response (within a reasonable time frame) is the most obvious response at this venue for disinterest. This is not a suggestion; but a comparison. However, it's a viable means of dealing with unwanted attention from separated men (as one example).

Good luck.
 NightNurseTom
Joined: 12/30/2012
Msg: 14
Sparing feelings
Posted: 2/3/2013 2:16:07 AM
Dear Fairmaid

Tried to write directly but the message bounced with a notice that said you're not accepting mail from people of my gener or age. Perhaps there's a glitch preventing you from receiving responses as I expect you probably are looking to hear from men in their 50's.

Thanks for responding to my question. And I'm sorry to hear that anyone would treat you so rudely.

I like your face. I appreciate that you post real close-ups as so many women seem to like to pose at a distance while standing against scenic backdrops. Search me why. You have a lovely soft look to your eyes and seem like you'd be compassionate and a good listener.

Remember that a profile isn't just for attracting attention from suitable partners, it's also for screening out undesirables. Sounds like yours is working fine in that respect!
Show ALL Forums  > Ask A Girl  > Sparing feelings